is he being a dick or is it me??

[LittleMissMessup]

DP of four years works away about 80% of the time, few weeks gone, maybe a week back, then gone again, very haphazard, he's missed birthdays, anniversaries etc..he totally loves the job, never even discussed taking it with me, he was offered it within his company (no pay rise with it) and took it. I'm full time mum of 3, part time freelance writer and spend most ofmy time feeling like a single mum struggling to make ends meet..
He's currently away, we've seen him about five weeks this year in odds and sods, no real quality time at home. He's just called saying how we can't wait to come home, realizes he's been away a lot this year etc and I tell him how DD 2 has started asking for him all the time (she's 2) and we can't wait to have him home next Friday. He then says oh I'm not coming home Friday, there's a big party Friday night. It's free booze, it'll be a laugh etc..and I was like what the actual fuck!! Then he says I hate him going out. I don't.. I hate that we once again come after his fucking social life.
I love him but i have gone through so much shit with him, EA's (yes, plural) not wanting to involve me in his social life, me not being able to challenge him without it being world war III..
I don't know, I'm tired, I've been organizing our imminent house move while he's been away, on top of looking after DC and trying to meet a deadline. This has just made me so sad, I feel it's so selfish of him and maybe it's the last straw..or maybe it's me being unreasonable?? And views ladies??

Queenie.. like I said before he's never in one place long enough to get close to anyone, this really isn't an affair thread, it's a selfish boy with skewed priorities thread but thanks anyway.
Nothing should keep him from coming home, certainly not a bloody party and if it does than whether he likes it or not we will be having a conversation about his priorities and his actions. I think we've come to a crossroads, whether we'll both end up going down the same path I don't know, but things have to change either way.
Thanks all for your support x

He might not be having an affair but he's free to come and go as he pleases without having to do bedtimes, bathtimes and early mornings. If he's going out clubbing to all intents and purposes a single man there will be opportunities for infidelity. I don't think it is nevitable but he had form and after being discovered in emotional affairs he takes a job which means you don't see him for months on end? Take care.

op, i used to get upset when my dp didnt rush home from work every fri, as he wanted to wait for traffic to die down (armed forces)

i cant see ANY other way to get him to see it from your point of view, other than to chuck him out and call the wedding off.

he seems to have it in his head that he CAN treat you like this. you're going no where and the re inforcement of this belief is the up and coming wedding.

i'm not sure i'd particularly want to be with someone who treated me so shoddily because he KNOWS he can.

im quite surprised he's not wiping his feet on you when he gets home.

he's never EVER going to respect you if the status quo continues.

the thing is though- why would you want him to realise you wont be walked over? isnt he still going to be the same wanker who will walk over someone if they let him?

if i knew that my dp would let me get away with being a utter shit to him- i wouldnt do it. my conscious/love for him/moral fibre, would prevent me from doing so.

Call the wedding off. He will get worse after marriage.

The luxury weekend that you suddenly got 'uninvited' to rings massive alarm bells. Is there any way you can book in the same hotel and suprise him? After all, you are invited really.

I would be amazed if he hasn't had one night stands at least. I know that sounds horribly harsh but it seems in his head he is a single man without responsibilities when he isn't with you.

I have seen this a lot with colleagues in the past. When they work away they close the front door on their family and act as a single person until they come home again. It's shit but it does happen more than you would expect.

Your "d"p doesn't even seem that bothered about coming home.You have a realtionship in name only. I agree with Quint, mentally finish with him, sort yourself out and then tell him.

So he helps pay the rent, would you get help with rent and CTC if you were seperated? With that financial assistance and his 15% maintenance for his dd you may be better off financially (or not worse off) without him.

At least find out where you stand financially so when you call off/postpone the wedding you know you're not going to be immediately strapped for cash.

Hi thanks everyone..I'm just setting up as self employed so I'm sure there'd be some kind of help available, i was a successful, capable single mum once, not afraid to do it again..to be honest I've had so many lightbulb moments since he proposed I know I have to start detaching and disengaging for my own sanity.
I feel more like his housekeeper /PA / account / nanny by the day which of course is in part what a partnership is, but it's not all it is, I should also feel loved, supported, desired etc and right now I feel none of those things.
I know within his line of work there has to be a certain amount of socialising and that does leave him open to indiscretion.. we did have an issue with a condom in his wallet when he got back from his first trip away. It wasn't ours, we've never had ant in the house..he told me a colleague had bought two in the toilets and offered him one. I said why not refuse, why not say no mate, I won't be needing one of those, I have a fiancee at home.. he shrugged and said he didn't know, that he never intended to use it and that I have to trust he'd never do that to me..well DD was only tiny, my hormones were shot to bits and I did trust him..
I still do trust him, I just don't know who he is anymore. I've tried talking to him, he's in there somewhere but I don't think he's listening.

thenightsky.. no chance of going to same hotel, it's a mystery tour basically so you don't know where you'll end up til you get there..plus 3 kids to consider and very little spare cash (if any!) just not an option.

Morning, I'm in a very similar boat, H worked away a lot over the last few years, works locally but shifts now, so was never home at the weekend and when he was here, not interested in being part of the family.

Low level emotional abuse, criticising, checking up on what I spend, withholding affection, gaslighting (denying having said cruel things). Do you know what, he left yesterday and already I feel happier and lighter and stronger. Not just the temporary happiness that he's not here at the moment but actual freedom that I don't have to bend over backwards to make him happy.

I'm also self-employed and there is help from tax credits to keep you afloat while you build your business up.

Your bloke (he's not really a partner by the sounds of it) contributes nothing to your life and I'm afraid the condom thing would raise a big red flag to me.

I hate to say it, but this is the first time "leave the bastard"! He doesn't deserve you waiting around for him to fit you in. At the very least you deserve to have the chance to be happy on your own, with your business and your DD and your friends. When the time comes and you think about being with someone else, you deserve a loving caring man who will put you and DD at the top of his list (at least up there with himself and any DCs of his own) not at the bottom of the heap.

You know its the answer, its inevitable, why not save yourself a few more years of heartache and call it a day now sweetie. xxx

I don't think you should trust him.

DoingIt... he sounds identical to your h, the quiet undermining of my confidence, being critical then saying I'm over emotional or too sensitive etc, just general dis-interest in us as a family aside from he adores our DD (when he's here) but does little for her and is beginning to pick at my older DC which I call him on as it's unfair, they're lovely kids who've accepted him as dad.
Bizarrely sometimes when he calls I'll have the tv on in the background or something or there'll be a random noise and he's all what was that, who's there etc, and I'm like wtf it's me and DC 24/7 there's no one here but us..I can almost hear the accusation in his voice when he knows full well where I stand on infidelity. If I was to question him the same..geez.. that would be a cardinal sin!

I know I need to do something, I'm just not quite there yet.

If he sounds like my H then yes, he is definitely a dick!

In fairness, now H has been called up on his appalling behaviour and told that its over, he has started being much more attentive to the DCs and being overly helpful and generous to me, so I have to believe there is some good in him somewhere (not enough that I will ever have him back, but hopefully we can be friendly and civil as his guilt about being 'found out' has made him reassess his whole life and accept that he has destroyed so much, without knowing why.)

I know it takes a long time to get to the point where you are ready to split up, but have it as an option in your mind, plan your exit strategy and start imagining your life without him and when it happens, the only one who will miss anything is him. You and the DCs are fine when he's not around, you'll be fine when he's gone for good. You're already half-way to being a single parent and as you've done it before, you know you can do it (I never have and its scaring the shit out of me! But I'm doing it anyway - Doing It For Myself )

Sounds to me like he's done a good job in you - you're always making excuses as to why he does things.

You only have his word he's at certain places, that it's a 'magical mystery tour' how convenient for him.

You either want to be with him and put up with his shit, or make a stand! So he took on extra work without telling you, with no pay rise, and he thought that was ok? That's when I would have been laying down some ground rules, before he even went away!!

He's making a fool of you op :( and you're letting him :(

What does your family think of this 'man'

Agree with others, this doesnt sound good.
What do your friends/ family think of him?

I'm just at this whole thread.

Don't even know where to start.

Op without being too harsh but I think your being incredibly naive.

'In his line of work he is open to indiscretions'

'He's had EA's (yes plural)' and it was two women he works/worked with.

'Found a condom in his wallet but we don't use them'

He doesn't want you to mix with his work colleagues.

He has started to accuse you of having someone in the house. He criticizes you. He has been home in total of 5 weeks in 6 months. He hangs up on you if you talk about how you are feeling.

And you say you trust this man???

I think you are being a mug.

He's keeping you away from his work life because he probably shagged a few people and hoping to carry on too.

How can you not see this from what you've posted. Stop making excuses for him.

What Vajeena (and everyone else) says with bells & whistles on.

Please please don't marry this man.

He has just told you in a phone call that he doesn't want you at a fun event because you will cramp his style.

He is accusing you of cheating this is classic turn about by cheaters.

He has a condom given to him by a work colleague. Oh come on!!! If his work colleagues know he is in a loving happy relationship desperately missing his family why would they be offering him condoms. Surely you can still see the steam rising from that one?

None of these are the actions of a loving partner.

Can you actually explain how you consider yourself his partner or him yours?

Agree with VVV
Just didnt want to say it

So, littlemissmessup, the men in life who have affairs and shag around... they'll be other people's partners then?

I'm often staggered to hear women I know say how they'd trust their DPs with their lives not to cheat when, knowing the men concerned, I'd not share a lift to the local bus stop with them for fear of them jumping me! Re-read what you've written. Your partner has ample opportunity to stray, despite what you say, and it's plain naive to believe otherwise.

You sound as if you're finally getting angry. Good. You'll need that to spur yourself into action. He's taking you for a mug. Don't let him.

Without defending him but certainly in defense of myself, I know it's a mystery tour because I've gone the previous three occasions..I also have more than his word re his destinations because I'm always present when he makes the bookings and have a contact address/number every time, I absolutely insisted on that.
I'm not naive, I certainly thought the condom story was bullshit but couldn't exactly accuse him of using it as it was still in its wrapper.
It's never just as easy as leave the bastard.

Clam.. I know full well my partner is just as capable of straying than anyone else, don't think I ever stated otherwise, just that I have trusted him..you have to trust, otherwise the relationship would never have gone anywhere from the beginning.

Doubt if he's not doing the nasty op, sorry....
Get rid, he just sounds like a useless twunt. Adds no value to your life whatsoever and is actually just potentially shortening your lifespan right now (the general stress and BS). You're much better off alone. Don't go the wedding route, you'd be mad.

yes, that condom is still in the wrapper...........but what if it came in a box of 3 or even 12?

You're a lifestyle accessory for him. It's a testament to how much of a number he's done on you that you're still in this 'relationship' at all. Why are you settling for these pitiful scraps he throws you?

His behaviour is so far from being good enough it's not even in the same universe.

Find out what your options are financially (since that's his only useful contribution) and start taking steps to get this twat out if your life and away from your children.

You are right it isn't so easy to leave. Just don't tie yourself further in with this man by marrying him! Not until he has changed a massive amount of what he is doing.

How long is your new lease for and have you signed for it? If not then I would suggest you don't sign up for it and go and find one on your own.

If he doesn't give a shit that will tell you everything you need to know. If he gets all hurt and upset then perhaps you can have some blunt honest talks about what a relationship is meant to be. Because I don't see what you have is a relationship right now. Sorry

Of course that condom is still in it's wrapper it hasn't been used!

Please consider an STI check for your own peace of mind even condoms don't protect 100%.