Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

I'm not sure about the friend passing messages like this between you, but it sounds to me as though she knows more than she's letting on to you, for your husband to ask her how honest he should be.

In terms of that, I think you need to tell him calmly that throughout your marriage, you have always felt that he respected you as well as loved you. And that he owes you the respect to tell you the full unvarnished truth. Tell him he's got this one chance at doing that. Right now you need facts and not his interpretations of the facts. I.e. when it started, how it started, what's happened between them, where it's happened and who knows. The 'why' is one of those things that is open to interpretation. Listen and don't make any decisions. Go away and reflect on what you've learnt.

I get the impression he thinks that he is doing you a massive favour by choosing you over the OW. One thing he does need to know is that he might have no choices left actually and that if your marriage is going to survive and he wants to stay in it, that will be your choice.

He choses you!!

were you actually aware he was making choices or who gave him that damned right?

what was his alternative choice?

I too think your friend knows more than she is letting on, but I'm sure her intentions are good. You need people to be honest with you, lies are far more damaging to your well-being than the truth. At least once you have the truth you can choose how to move on from this. Wishing you the best of luck and the strength to come through this in whichever way you choose.

I would let him believe you know everything, but want him to come out and actually say it. And when he does, pause, wait and say "and..." until you squeezes the whole damn ugly lot from him. However vile it is, you have to know it all, or you'll never begin to move on.

Oh Orm what a horrible situation. I agree that you sound like a lovely person and wish you good luck for the chat with him. I hope he can give you the honesty that you deserve.
If you do chuck him in the canal do make sure he's not got hold of the dog's lead at the time . Seriously, I think you're handling this very well.

Yes, good suggestion clam, that's a very good idea. It's best to know as much as possible as soon as possible so that you can start to make some decisions.

Can I suggest that you start assuming, now, that he will be staying the night on the sofa/at a friend's house/with family to give you time and space to think about whatever it is he's going to tell you? I think you will need it, no matter how (comparatively) good or bad his story.

Just a tiny little thought.

This friend who is currently acting as a go-between is totally kosher yes ?

And you need to stop that dynamic after this evening, love. Get your friend out of your relationship, there are already too many people messing about in it.

"How honest should I be?"
I think that he's even posed that question out loud tells you pretty much everything actually.

Anyfucker sorry to say I was wondering the same thing :( Maybe I'm just being cynical and tbh friend might just be enjoying the 'drama' of it all and being so needed. Sorry but I have met counsellors like this, some are wonderful but some of them have more issues than the people they are counselling

Orm I hope it works out for you but don't take any prisoners. Agree with others - tell him he has one chance to come clean, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Might be worth packing a few things in a bag for him in case a night away from home would give him a good sharp shock...

Oh dear orm. I am so sorry. You sound so nice.
He needs to be honest, completely. He should get that on his own without asking your friend if he should.
I am really not sure what to suggest. I think he only told you about the gossip because he thought someone was going to tell you (maybe OW) at least then he could say 'its not true, I told you it was just gossip. I was open and honest with you. Why would I have told you if it was true' and that kind of rubbish.
I really hope you get what you want/need from tonight.
You are not dumb. He is, you are not. Even I wanted to believe him. You seem so nice, I really wanted it to be some horrible bitch spreading shit.

Agree with anyfucker. Why do you seem to be the last person to know what the hell is going on in your own marriage?

Agree with anyfucker....why on earth is he ringing your friend???? Are you sure she is your friend??? What is she doing interfering in your relationship.
Sorry, am a bit suspicious about that aspect of it too!
Wishing you strength for what you have to do.

This counsellor friend Orm....does she work at the same school as your husband and does her counselling in her spare time?

I would not be surprised if your DH is feeling pretty stupid in a "what have I done!" way. After talking to your friend he now knows this TA has form and is not the kind of person he should be getting involved with. Now he'll fear losing the better person he had in the first place so will be attempting damage limitation. It could be fear of losing you making him not come clean rather than him just being a git. Reassurance that you want to work on things and sort out your problems as long as you get the truth may help him to open up. GL with talk

Please whatever you do, do not have any with contact OW either before you meet your DH or after, she WILL cause you pain ime.

I hope everything works out okay for you.

Could be, coconutty. But it could also be that she DOES know more than Orm does at the moment, but (quite rightly IMO) doesn't see it as her place to tell Orm until the husband has had a chance to do so.

He chooses you? What a prick. What about your choices?

I don't see anymore to him. I knew from the get go, he was guilty as sin, from your posts.

Who is this other friend? As he got some bloody hareem going on? If it were me, sex wouldn't come into it now.

I'd be furious he'd made me the butt of everyone's conversations and gossip for over a year. With EVERONE it would seem knowing but you.....what a nasty thing to do. Even though it was upsetting you and hurting you. I couldn't forgive that humiliation. What an ass hole.

Great posts by sternface and AnyFucker (as always)

Gosh I'm so sad for you Orm (it's Pinot here under a dumb namechange for wimbledon)

I can hardly type for the deafening alarm bells that are clanging. I fear you know already what you're going to hear so prepare yourself and hold onto that dignity.

I have massive respect for you and how you've dealt with this.

(Oh and PM me her text number and I'll send her some fucking rude words)

Before the gallows are brought out for him wouldn't it be worth waiting to hear what happens?

No one on this thread knows what's happened. How can anyone know?

Restedwine - i wholeheartedly agree. Why is it that some people take great pleasure in jumping to hasty conclusions?