Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

I was looking into counselling this morning. But it's so expensive. And they are booked up for ages.

Orm... Only just seen this. Just wanted to send my support and say do it your way; do what works for you and your relationship.

So, so sad for you.

Orm what would you want to achieve from couples counselling and why do you think you need that right now?

Ask yourself the same questions about individual counselling. What would you and your husband want to achieve from eachother's individual therapy? Would that be more appropriate right now?

Not all counselling is expensive and not all organisations have a long waiting list. If it's Relate they are far from the best (in fact I'd say they are one of the worst overall for this sort of issue) and their organisation is so dreadful and their overheads so enormous that I think they are terrible value for money. An independent therapist on the other hand might be better, but do shop around and ask them questions.

I've got the feeling that you're going to be subjected to a bit of a self-pity party when your husband gets home and that it might be all about how he has fucked up his life and can't cope. Because you love him you'll probably want to comfort him, while those of us who are more objectively detached would regard any self-indulgent displays like that with extreme cynicism. Try to strike a balance if you can Orm and don't let him make this all about his self-inflicted losses.

Hello Orm,
I don't have any advice, but have been reading your thread and think you are so brave. Be gentle with yourself, and you will get through this horrible time. Take care of yourself Orm.

You're allowed all the self-indulgence you need to move yourself on, Orm, but beware of too much wishful thinking of the 'I want it not to have happened' variety leading you to leave stones uncovered in your desire to make it all go away as quickly as possible.

Similarly, the idea of renewing your wedding vows would seem to be an example of your need for public affirmation to the ow that it's you he loves and that his affair was of little meaning to him.

From your OP, you've been in denial about his extracurricular activities for a very long time and it seems to me that you remain reluctant to confront the glaringly obvious fact that, had the ow left her dh, it's highly probable that your h would have left you without so much as a backward glance.

Under the circumstances renewing your vows in the near future is likely to increase, rather than diminish, your public humiliation as those in the know will be laughing up their sleeves at the thought of you being so easily taken in and bought off by cheap display.

If you reach your silver wedding anniversary with one and the same h, it may be appropriate to publicly reaffirm your love for each other but, until then, you're best advised to buy shares in a salt mine.

As for He is just as terrified as anyone could wish that I am about to kick him out, keep it that way.

The adulterous twunt deserves to be kept in suspense as to your intentions, albeit that more appropriate just desserts would be for him to be suspended for a considerable period of time by a certain part of his anatomy.

FWIW, although there have a been reports to the contrary on this board, I share sternface's opinion of Relate and I'm also of the opinion that you shouldn't rush to seek joint counselling as a means to putting a sticking plaster over wounds that need careful cleaning before being bandaged.

Orm you say you are in limbo, frustrated that matters are not progressing as fast as you like, others are saying there are more revelations to come, so I can see why you are considering counselling as a framework to allow that to happen - although counselling can be ££ and tough going although my now exH ruefully said that he wished he had committed to counselling I wanted keep attending as it was less expensive than divorce! Relate are not the be-all-and-end-all of counselling services. Have a look at the BACP website, it is a matter of finding one that you and H can work with.

H has to think about what he needs to do to rebuild your trust and respect, rather than you tell him what to do; you telling him (if you indeed know the answer to this) is too easy and places the burden for providing the 'magic solution' onto you, when he needs to work to 'win' you, just as I am sure he did at the very start of your relationship. I also think it's an opportune time for you as an individual, and as a couple, to focus on what you want to do/your wishes which I guess have taken a back seat to his needs and career and the needs of the family. Focusing on what nurtures you means you are less focused on the stasis that you are so aware of at the moment, waiting for that grand declaration to come out of nowhere from H. It will also boost your own self-esteem, possibly help with the depression and certainly strengthen you as a person for whatever lies ahead. I don't know what those things should be - salsa dancing, city break, circuit training, reading group, photography, sky-diving, being massaged by muscular men in skimpy shorts...but take the pressure off you as a couple and nurture and strengthen yourself by doing things that you find enriching.

I should really read first then post but just read "couples Counselling" and can say we tried that but I fpound it useless as I wanted to know the nitty gritty of why WHY and more WHY?

The lady wanted to talk about the future and problems we had in the relationship rather than deal at all with the affair. Wow I was with that lady, she would not budge past "the future", I actually ended up walking out. I had no future to think of until I was past the affair!!

We had a tick-sheet of problems we "may" have been be having.

Sorry I sound so glum about me but it wasn't at all helpful to me at this time.

It may be if you want to talk about where you go from here ?

Orm back to this book, (sorry) I realise I prattle on about it, have you thought about going to the site they have and posting about your situation and see what they say and may help you with how/where what to do now that it's all out and so open and hurting? If you need the name of the site mail me, they have been counselling and advising on situations like this for years. That could help, they are very knowledegable.

Their site is a real eye opener, I was obsessed for a bit on there I think. My circumstances were hugely diffferent to yours, my X had left and had his skank (apolgieses not) the first time she was pregnant. (Jeremy Kyle eat your heart out)!

Orm what you are going through right now is horrid, I promise it will get easier.

Be good to yourself! Try set aside a few hours a day when you will "refuse" to think about it!!

Thanks Tam.

OW is leaving the school. Or at least she is thinking about it. Which is odd as she has been offered her 'dream job' so can't imagine why she is dithering.

DH took me out for a meal (and that wording was significant as normally i arrange and usually pay for meals out). We talked a lot. Some of it was hard to hear but i needed to hear it. We talked about his dad - when he told his younger sister that he has been having an affair the first thing she said was 'like father like son'.

This may sound paranoid but she might holding out for for him to make a big show and dance about not wanting her to leave, hence why she's having to think about it: hoping for attention and an ego boost. Or she might just like the power of having him on tenterhooks wondering if she's going to go or not.

Has occurred to me ooga. I think she has form for that sort of thing.

" I'd get my revenge easily enough but I'd feel so guilty and her kids don't deserve it. And DH would probably start wringing his hands over her again so I'd be shooting myself in the foot anyway ."

It worries me that you think this. There shouldn't be anything at all that could make him start wringing his hands over her again. She shouldn't be a thought in his tiny mind, ever.

just - he loves her. That is an unavoidable fact. He is fighting against it and has made it crystal clear to me and to her that he has chosen to stay with me and have no further relationship with her but that doesn't mean he is going to be able to not care if her husband punishes her for having an affair. Much as I hate her guts, I wouldn't want to be with a man that could be unmoved by that.

If she is leaving the school I will be cheering her departure. I told DH I was glad she might be going because temptation would be removed - he said there is no temptation now. But it will ease my mind (and I will no longer be bothered by revenge fantasies!)

If he loves her why has he chosen to stay with you? Could it be that's the easy option for him - stay in the marital home and have his needs catered for unless or until she leaves her dh?

Regardless of whether she leaves the school or not, until his rosy specs drop off she's always going to be a temptation for him.

What it comes down to is that you're second best, if that. Are you willing to assume that role?

That must have been a wonderful meal for you; if you refrained from upending a bowl of soup over his head or whacking him in the face with a gooey dessert, I am filled with admiration at your restraint.

Can I suggest that it's possible that he was infatuated and highly attracted but that does not mean he really loves her. He may care for her and care about her but love is a complicated thing. I suppose it depends what you and he think love really is and only you two can know that.

I don't think temptation would have gone with ow. Until he actually faces up to what he's done. I mean properly accepted his part in it, why and how. I think any old "vulnerable" woman would tempt him, to become a "rescuer".

Especially as he's sat at home with his feet under the table having declared his love for another. I pretty much agree with izzys post. I really don't know how you are so dignified.

Does he really love her or does he think he does?

"Could it be that's the easy option for him - stay in the marital home and have his needs catered for unless or until she leaves her dh?" It's not easy. He is being forced to face things he doesn't want to and deal with my grief and rage all the time. I don't think he's finding it easy in the slightest.

I don't know exactly what he means by 'he loves her' - I do know it isn't the same as the way he loves me. It's easier and prettier and more dramatic. Yes, maybe it's infatuation. But it isn't the same. He doesn't want to be without me anymore than I want to be without him. Sad? Possibly. But very true.

I am sorry I am not responding as some of you wish me to. I have to do it my way.

Fab I think for the purposes of how Orm feels about it, and how things affect her marriage it doesn't matter whether he actually does, or just thinks he does.

Orm I continue to be amazed by your strength and dignity dealing with this.

belle - love to me is what lasts when everything else goes. It's the bare bones of a relationship. It what would make me stay if he gets dementia and I have to wipe his backside and then cope with him shouting at me and forgetting my name. It's what made him care for me and love me throughout various bouts of depression and tell me I was beautiful and desirable even though I looked like the back end of a bus and was miserable and bad-tempered. He fucked up. Massively. He has hurt me more than I can say. But I beleive he is truly sorry and wants to make it better. I can only try to join with him in that attempt - and see what happens.

Thanks ali - I don't think strenght and dignity have anything to do with it. I'm on autopilot. I am just doing what seems the obvious thing.

I can only speak for me, but I don't want you to respond in any way but one that you are 100% comfortable with. I had ideas of what would be deal breakers but after many years together and children, things change.

This is your life. In 10 years you will still be you. We might not be here anymore. MN might not be here any more but you will still be living the life with the results of choices you make now. It won't affect us so you must do what you want and only what you want and what you know is for the best for you.

Dealing with your grief and rage would seem to be a small price for him to pay for being able to stay in the marital home, getting his meals cooked, washing done, dick serviced etc, while keeping his head in the clouds and mooning over his true love

Should the ow leave her dh, I suspect you'll discover that he will find it extraordinarily easy to be without you until such time as the novelty of living with her wears off or, more likely, she takes off with a younger man.

As you say, you have to do it your way and we'll be here to pick up the pieces when you realise that your way is the hardest way and you can't do it any more or, more probably, he leaves you.

Thanks. If I am wrong I will be back here begging for help. Until then please have the generosity to wish me well x