Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

Many have taken, and are taking, the time to give consideration to your best interests and plain speaking from differing viewpoints shouldn't disguise the fact that you are being wished well here, Orm.

I sincerely hope it works out for you but, although I enjoy a flutter on occasion, I won't be putting any money on you achieving resolution any time soon.

Orm, for what it's worth I think you are doing the right thing and I really hope things work out well for you x

I wish you well 100%.

I think it takes more strength and guts to stay after something like this happens, than to leave.

The rage, and anger you are experiencing is the easy part, Orm.

When they subside you will be left with the hurt of living with a man you can no longer trust.

Every day that he continues to play star-crossed lovers with an ow will be another day of uncertainty for you.

Orm, you have dealt with this situation far better than I could ever hope to.

Good luck with the future, whatever it may hold for you. Your gut instinct seems to have served you well so far - keep listening to it.

izzy just back off a little. I don't see that there is any point in hammering on a poor Orm in that way. She had said repeatedly that she needs to do this her way to feel like she is being true to herself, and we should all respect that.

Hi Orm, I have been reading your thread from the start. I am so sorry the rumours turned out to be true :(

May I ask a question? If this were to get out, what sort of trouble would your H get in at work? This OW sounds nutty, I wouldn't put it above her to go crying to the headmaster because she lost her toy.

Orm I think you're being realistic about your H's feelings towards the OW and I agree that it would be false if he suddenly stopped caring for her welfare. I also completely understand that if he wished her harm now, he wouldn't be the sort of man you'd always admired. I think that's very clear-sighted of you, because so often in these situations the faithful spouse's understandable hatred towards the OW demands a similar response from the involved partner. But that's one of those where people should be careful for what they wish for. A man who is vilifying the OW and 'learning' to hate her as much as his wife is, is a man who isn't taking responsibility for his affair.

I said upthread though that this is not love, on either side. I genuinely think that for your husband, this was what's been coined as the 'feelings addiction' affair. It's when the feelings the OW evoked in your husband about himself are the primary motivation, rather than the feelings it evoked about her as an individual. It is the most common affair to occur in mid-life, when men especially want to feel that they are still conquering heroes and rescuers, with devastating sexual magnetism. So much so, I'm wondering whether your husband in recent times started to say anything that jarred about male and female roles in society? These are often 'hindsight' clues about a man struggling with his masculinity in mid-life and it happens especially to men who are partnered with strong, capable women. Men who also had unsuitable paternal role models are especially succeptible to a crisis like this.

Orm, if you're committed to this path then all you can do is to make decisions in good faith. Despite what you might read, many couples recover from an affair and make it count for something. But many in this group are 'hidden' from society because they tell no-one about what's happened. One of the primary reasons for that is because there is still a culture of blame levied at the faithful partner and therefore people feel misplaced shame for their partners' behaviour.

So it can be done and many achieve it. But those who do never regard the infidelity as an isolated incident but rather a manifestation of what was already there, in terms of character and personality traits. This is why it might be more helpful for your husband to see his own counsellor because this is about him and his choices. We've already established after all that you and he are different; in the same situation you made very different choices. You've been apt to underplay your resistance to temptation and find equivalence, but it's obvious that you have different vulnerabilities to your husband. He therefore needs to work on why he was more vulnerable than you.

I'd recommend a perspective that you don't yet know all there is to know about this affair - and accept that as a truth. Even in the couples I've known who have worked through this and 'done all the right things' I've never known the whole truth to emerge in the first few weeks. At your stage both parties are still governed by fear and this will always get in the way of the facts. The person who's been lying for a long time finds it hard to break the habit overnight and is still putting his interests first out of fear of loss - and the partner is still too frightened to push for more, in case it alters her initial decision to attempt forgiveness.

Just be aware that the truth needs to come out before either of you and certainly your relationship can properly recover.

Orm, I do wish you well in trying to achieve resoluition and reconcilliation.

You are a far bigger person than I could ever be because your DH and OW inveigled other people into supporting their lack of integrity. Colleagues were accused of lying and starting rumours and your DH and OW allowed them to be castigated by the HT.

How can your DH look those colleagues in the eye now?

The same way as he is looking you in the eye!

You might feel that you have the upper-hand at the moment but I don't think it is the end of the saga. In fact, you don't think you have the upper hand because you want a big, public gesture of DH choosing you.

I hope it works out well for you Orm, but please don't lose yourself on the way to 'fixing this marriage'.

Orm - just posting to wish you luck. You know where we are if you need us - you know that some of us have been where you are x

ORM just to say all the best and I understand where you are coming from.Your DH has behaved like an infatuated fool,and I would suspect that it is infatuation and not love of the purest kind as you describe.
I hope he works incredibly hard to win back your love and respect.You deserve it.
When I asked my DH why he hadn't called a halt to things when OW was declaring love for him and it was getting out of hand he said he didn't want to hurt her feelings.Initially I was furious because he'd trashed mine in time,and because he then cut all contact I saw he's essentially a good man,who got in to a bad situation.And that as she'd been a friend for several years before boundaries got crossed he wouldn't have been the caring guy I married if he'd had no remorse also for her feelings.Having said that I cared nothing for her feelings,so angry was I when I realized how she had manipulated the situation at work to get close to him ,and demanded no less than zero contact.

As for counselling.Relate was good up to a point but I also felt it was like it was a sticking plaster to make me feel better.The counsellor was lovely but in hindsight wanted to explore our past and time-line,and our future too much.It was good to work on communication,but even that frustrated me as even DH admitted we really had a good marriage and talked a lot already.What I needed was answers regarding his behaviour towards OW and how he set his boundaries.That only came months later when I pushed and pushed for DH to really 'get it'.However don't rule out counselling and I hope you get a good one if you go.

Finding yourself as Olympininx says through rediscovering things that give you joy,self esteem and a chance to be YOU rather than part of a couple even if you stay together I have found to be invaluable.Countingto10s posts about this made me see that I could stay in my marriage, recover,accept nothing less than respect and honesty and flourish as a person in my own right.Then my DH would be a total fool to ever behave badly again,and I would more than survive if he did IYSWIM !
Sincerely wishing you strength and all the best x

Orm is no doubt aware that she is free to disregard any advice that she does not consider to be relevant to her situation.

However, as the saying has it that 'if everyone is thinking alike, someone is not thinking', IMO Orm would be ill-advised not to give consideration to all of the views expressed on her thread.

As Orm is doing it her way, her h is doing it his way, and you're doing it your way, I see no reason to refrain from doing it my way, Alibaba.

Sternface & Stargazy have warm, compassionate advice for you Orm, hope you are holding up okay.

Orm, I do wish you well, and for your physical health please do insist on STD testing for both of you before thinking of any resumption of "marital relations" if she has "form" she may well have something else unpleasant to pass along. And insist on condoms for at least 3 months between the initial and follow up HIV test to ensure your safety.
Good luck in finding y our way, your honesty and humanity has touched so many of us on this thread.

Orm - do you think that he still has "knight in shining armour" syndrome over the OW? Because it would benefit both of you to shatter that illusion for him if you can. He cannot continue to view the OW as a damsel in distress, and he cannot continue to view himself as her rescuer. He needs instead to see himself as the faithless husband who was easily led astray by the siren call of the OW - all the while he romanticises his actions, he will not accept fully how wrong they were.

Good luck with working things out - I hope you can but do allow full rein to your feelings, you deserve it (and so does he).

He doesn't love her. He may be addicted to her but he doesn't love her and the only way to deal with that is withdrawal and that is what is happening I hope.

Yes it is happening tam. School is now closed and she may well be leaving come September. He is happy to leave his phone lying around so I can check it whenever I want. I got very upset yesterday because he took it to the shop to buy a paper when he hasn't done that since I found out - he apologised and said it was just habit and then gave me it. Nothing on it. I feel, when I'm calm and logical, that it's ended. It's just when the pool of pain and anger inside me bubbles up I have my doubts. It will take time to empty out - and constant reassurance and attention from DH.

Re the OW as Ariadne tied to rock, or Sleeping Beauty in her tower I had a go at smashing that image on sunday morning. I told him again how cruel he was to have been trying to protect and nurture her at the very time I was in despair and misery with depression. He says that he didn't realise how bad it was but had admitted finally that if he hadn't been in full Sir fucking Galahad mode with OW, he might have noticed.

He accepts I am angry with her and hate her, but he can't feel any anger towards her - I want him to if he can. Yes, most of my anger is directed to him, but he is trying to fix things, she has got away with no consequences and it make me furious.

He did finally accept that anyone who can have a relationship with a married man, especially when she is friendly with his wife, is not a saint and definitely doesn't deserve a pedestal. I also pointed out all the times when she was attempting manipulation. According to another TA she had feeling for DH since last year - he was getting closer to her but nothing 'happened' until her grandfather died at Christmas and she went to him for support - instead to anyone of her other friends and colleagues.

1. The showing of the blades and telling him she wanted to cut herself. Making it impossible for him to pull away (assuming he wanted to of course)
2. The 'I can't have all of you so I want to end it' speech followed by more frenzied texting when she realised her ultimatum had failed.
3. The rumour about her finishing with him when the only people who would have known about that were DH and OW. In an attempt to get their relationship accepted as a given around the school instead of a secret. I nfact I am wondering about the source of the other rumours too now.
4. The 'I'm leaving the school for my dream job' followed by dithering about for a few weeks while she waited for him to say' Nooo, don't go!' only he didn't.

I am prepared to accept that the above may the outpourings of a sick and angry mind but it helps to get them out. Funnily enough he didn't dismiss any of them out of hand but looked uncomfortable. Perhaps he was wondering if I needed to be sectioned

I guess I want him to share my feelings of pain and anger - but i know he can't. He feels anger at himself, remorse, sorrow and pity for me, but nothing towards her. He misses her, like a habit he is trying to break. It will take time. These feeling of vengeance and rage will fade and I will accept she was an irrelevance - I can't wait, it's eating away at me.

Feeling really bad today because my friend (the one who helped me so much when I first found out) is going to the GP today to get results of some tests. It might be the return of an illness that she had a few years ago. She also fears it's cancer. She had dealt with 2 deaths in the last 2 weeks and her cousin is currently dying from cancer and she's driving up the mway twice a week to care for him. Her home is under threat of repossession. I feel pathetic and selfish to have loaded so much on her. Marital problems under carpet while DH and I support her and her DH for a while. Will do us good.

Orm - she may be one of those people who actually prefer to hear about other people's troubles because it detracts from their own - I am one of those, for example. If she is, then you may have helped her rather than "been pathetic and selfish" - but it sounds like she could do with some heavy-duty support just now so good for you, putting your own stuff on the back burner to do just that. Hope her news isn't as bad as she fears it is.

Your feelings sound so familiar - I too had a go at my H, telling him what I thought of OW (who was a mutual friend) and how I felt sick knowing she has been in my home, interacting with my DC etc while they were having an affair.

Stay strong x

I'm so sorry about your friend, Orm, and will hope that it's good news on that front.

I think your DH may need longer to see the whole thing in its true, truly tawdry light, because right now he knows he's been a bastard. And let's face it, there is more dignity to that than there is in being a sad, manipulated fool, who just didn't want to accept middle-age when it came knocking. TBH, I think that's what this sounds like it was all about.

The blades thing, the buddying up to you above all else, and then the rumours... she sounds a real peach. And I say that as someone whose mantra is usually that the OW isn't the one who made vows.

Again, I'll wish all good things for your friend.

Orm wishing you and your friend well. Hopefully your DH will see that this is the stuff that really matters. And IMO, him being completely there for you, your friend and her DH is one of these many gestures that matter more than the big, dramatic gestures.

perfect - thankyou. Friend was OK - tests came back clear but she still have a nasty chest infection and low oxygen levels. I think it is simply the burden of everything she has taken on. I am getting some flowers to take round to her. I honestly think that if it wasn't for her DH and I wouldn't even have got this far. And without MN I'd be still floundering around in limbo, wondering WTF was wrong with DH and whether I was going mad.

Thanks to all of you. Not out of the woods but I can at least see a faint light through the trees.

I've been reading your thread, Orm, what a horrible position to be in.

On your earlier post though... points 2 and 4... Did OW actually 'fail'? I'm not so sure that she did. Your husband confessed to you that he 'loves her'. Why would he even have said that unless 2 and 4 had been 'resolved' to OW's satisfaction? I don't think you have the whole story there - and your husband might be trying to 'cloak' the truth under the mantel of 'protecting' your feelings.

I think you're absolutely right about the rumours though... to live the drama, one needs an audience, this is difficult to achieve if both parties are good at keeping secrets - so one of them obviously wasn't - by carelessness or design...

I suppose the best thing that can be said about not knowing everything up front, is that you get to 'rally' before the next thing becomes apparent. I wish you well. Know that nobody here wants to hurt you; knowledge is power, even if it feels like 'death of a thousand cuts'...