Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

Orm I read it and I am still puzzled about why it justified removal at all. It may even be helpful if MN posted to tell us what about it broke the guidelines as it wasn't at all clear to me, so if MN would post here to clarify the reasons for removal so we understand the guidelines better.

Orm I know, I cannot see who would possibly complain about it. Shame on whoever it was.

Maybe it wasnt reported? Maybe HQ saw it and did it of their own bat?

Seems strange anyway.

Maybe it wasnt reported? Maybe HQ saw it and did it of their own bat?

Seems strange anyway.

Oops sorry for double post.

I saw the post too and can't understand why MN removed it but then having had some of my posts removed from past threads, I think they can be trigger happy

How are you today?

De-lurking here to say how sorry I am you have been through all this. Is there any way you could get away and do/focus on something else for a few days? Only saying that because I know such an all consuming experience really can make you feel ill, and sometimes to take a few steps away may help you get your head straight as well as provide some clarity.

I saw the post Orm and am completely confused as to why it was removed.
You were right, people seem to think she is some vulnerable child and your dh is some sort or predator.
Its not the case they are both adults and both in the wrong, which you know
Anyway, I am hoping you are ok.

Thank you Thumbwitch.

Orm give your DH "the book" from what I remeber it have a love bank, your love bank is empty, he needs to start doing all he can to fill it for you.

you are not wrong for hating OW, I did, then stopped (first one) but still had negantive feelings towards her, until she found a boyfriend and I managed to split them up, that felt good!

I now hate his OOW, I stopped for a while a felt relieved she has to put up with his shit but have gone back to hating her as she is abusive and they are having a a baby and she thinks I am jealous as its a girl and keeps texting me to tellme so, I have changed sim cards now. iamjealousaboutthebaby

MN why did you delete Orms post?

Ow is a dirty low-life, skanky, slutty bitch. Delete this post?

negative

LOL tam! You might think that but I couldn't possibly comment.

In reality she is just a normal but possibly damaged person. Truth be told she isn't even attractive looking (but slimmer and younger than me!). She fucked up. So did DH. I have to get the hating out of my system and then forget about her. But for now I am enjoying the feeling. If I really really hated her it would be the easiest thing in the world to let her husband know..... I'd get my revenge easily enough but I'd feel so guilty and her kids don't deserve it. And DH would probably start wringing his hands over her again so I'd be shooting myself in the foot anyway

Sorry for my outburst yesterday. I was feeling very raw. And it made me mad that someone who had been so selfish and uncaring could be treated like victim. However it has passed. till next time.

Oh goodness Orm - don't apologise for your feelings! You're fully entitled to them, and venting them is a good way to deal with them, rather than internalising them. :)

Hi it's Tam.

No I no longer hate my EX OW I actually feel sorry for the life she has ahead of her. Just take one day at a time and deal with it as it comes, you are the better person in this mess they have created, if he DH were to find out it would all become very very messy for your DH.

I kinda wish I had took the "hot italian" up on his offer when I was married but I was bloody married. I even hid the card and wine he gave me so as not to hurt EX.

If only we could see into the future.

Thankyou Tam.

I guess what is bothering me now is that I am trying to be the object of someone's desire. DH says he still fancies me and always did but I am having trouble seeing myself as desirable at all - I'm ageing (not too gracefully) have added weight due to meno and the anti-ds and I am so tired all the time. I can't quite shake the idea, no matter what DH says, that he is with me due to duty and responsibilty and love, not desire. We had, I thought, a comfortable relationship that depended on habit, familiarity and companionship. I have read all the sort of comments on here about how bad that was for a marriage and I sort of nodded uncomfortably but did nothing. DH's affair has made me look at that again and realise that, through not fault of our own, just life and time, we had lost a big something that we are trying to recapture. And I am being forced to dust off feelings I had tucked away. The question I have to ask is do I want this in my life any more? And that is down to me, not him.

Hi Orm

You are doing really well at this stage. Have you all been out together as a family to have "fun" since this all happened? Sounds really silly and trite but it does help, eg something like ten pin bowling where you can have a laugh and just concentrate on that IYSWIM.

To give him his due my DH arranged actitivies like this after discovery so the DCs could feel like we were a "proper" family and to take the stress of the situation away for a short while. He was living at his parents at the time and was only staying in the family home a couple of nights a week which in hindsight was a good thing.

You really need to put yourself first now, massages, manicures, new clothes etc - I even bought flowers to cheer myself up.

Best wishes.

The main reason why OW was attractive to your H was because of all that ego stroking attention.

You need to focus on yourself and on building up your own self esteem - take time off to see your friends, visit interesting places, develop hobbies/interests and indulge in new clothes, haircuts etc.

You know, I don't want to be a Pollyanna, but I genuinely think it is possible that if you both move past and through this, things will be better because of it. I mean, if you lost the sort of romantic side of the marriage, and this has highlighted that, perhaps it will be a catalyst for getting a new form of that into the relationship? You obviously do love one another very much.

I appreciate money is tight and this may not be the right time, plus you may have childcare/supervision issues, but if there's any way at all you could get away together, just the two of you? In perhaps a couple of months, might that not be a good idea?

I honestly don't mean this to sound facile and like I am deluded enough to believe a minibreak will cure the fallout of what he has done. Obviously it won't. But I do think remembering why you are together, and why it is worth working on keeping might be good.

Agree that spoiling yourself is important. You need and deserve that.

Orm, I feel the same as you, just without the H.

I don't think it helps when they go for someone younger either, makes you feel all old and haggered (well me anyway), I agree that starting to do things to make you feel good would help, I tell myself all the time, I will start going to Zumba,gym, walking the dog, hair-cuts, so far I have only managed the hair-cut and that was 3 months ago so back to feeling haggered again. (OW likes to text me to tell me so and all I can manage back, well at least I aint ugly like you and you cannot change THAT!) (petty i know)

I doubt for one second your DH thinks of you like this at all. I agree you should buy yourself some flowers, get your hair done do feel good things!!

Depression sucks as it also sucks the life out of you, I bet you are a lovely lady who just feels this way just now. Buy some new underwear too matching setd always make me feel better,manicures I cannot be bothered with again I think this is my depressive side knocking me down.

Be kind to yourself. You sound lovely!

I am not sure if a romantic mini break is a good idea at this stage. I know I would have spent it being angry and resentful.

Right now OP's needs has to take priority. She needs to focus on building herself up. Time and space are what she needs and hopefully OP's H will take on the burden of childcare during the summer to allow her this.

perfectstorm - we do really love each other. I am not sure how much I like him atm. He has behaved like a spoilt child and tried to convince himself he was being noble. I think and hope it will be OK. But I still don't know. I can't control my feelings and they are all over the place.

mad - I don't want a romantic break just now. We have friends who have offered to have the kids for a weekend or even a week, but I would struggle to be nice to him for a whole weekend on our own. And i think it would be a waste to spend that time sniping at him and having rows It would feel a bit hole in the corner iyswim. What I want from him right now is some sort of gesture - one that lets everyone know (incl OW, his colleagues and friends of ours who either know or guessed what he was doing) that he chose to be with me exclusively and OW is HISTORY. Something wildly extravagant and undisputable. Don't quite know what right now . Once that is done and dusted a romantic break would be fine. I guess my pride needs something. It's our 20th anniversary this October - a big party and something involving diamonds might do (but I can forget the diamonds, sadly)

Hmm [muses]

Tattoo of your name emblazoned across his chest?

Spray-paint the fly-over with "Orm is the goddess of my desire"?

Am liking the image of H dangling over a bridge in the dead of night with spray can in hand

Either of those would do olympic! Or a plane towing a banner saying 'I am an unworthy worm. OW is a skanky whore. Orm is the image of perfection and I am going to spend the rest of my life trying to deserve her!'

I would have to be a big banner.

Actually DH does have my name and those of the 2 eldest DC on his arm. It was his 40th birthday present - and was done about the time we conceived DS2 There is no room for his name!

Plan a party for the 20th Wedding Anniversary. Invitations to be written and hand-delivered by DH when school re-opens BUT..... and this is the biggie.....he must promise to hand out to colleagues in front of OW in the staffroom so that everyone knows that she isn't invited! (Oh the humiliation she will feel when she anticipates being a recipient and then..... she is snubbed in front of everyone.)

The colleagues will be chatting about it all September/October, collecting for joint pressies, planning shared lifts to your venue (even if it is your home). She will soon feel marginalised and will probably decide to forfeit her coffee/lunch breaks with colleagues rather than have to hear all about the big event of the year.

If it's your cup of tea, you could also use the 20th Wedding Anniversary as a time to renew your wedding vows. It doesn't have to be a religious service if that's not your thing. It would certainly get the message over to OW, especially if you do as sadwidow suggested.