Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

Years ago, when I found out about my H's affair, my world did that cliched thing and fell apart. He was my best friend - the one I turned to for support, he was my confidante - the only person in my life who I felt truly had my back. He was with my when my father died and when my children were born and I truly loved him. I made every possible excuse (me, the OW, his childhood) to hide from the fact that I'd just got it wrong, that we weren't this fantastic couple. That he wasn't the man I wanted him to be.

I wonder if you are going through the same Orm? Because from the outside, from what you have said, it seems that your H wasn't that wonderful at all. He's taken you for everything you've had (emotionally/financially) without a lot of gratitude - and repaid you with betrayal.

He didn't cheat on you with a good time girl, a distraction from his depressed wife. He cheated on you with a vulnerable, young woman (who he should have been acting as a manager/role model to and frankly he's actions are morally repulsive on her account as well as yours). I have to wonder whether he needs his women to be victims and that your great crime was to get better and not need him (pushed him away???).

I'm not sure I understand why posters are depicting the OW as a vulnerable junior subordinate. A TA is not normally line managed by the teacher s/he happens to be working with and this TA is an adult woman who is married with children. At 25 I didn't have children, but I was married, had my own house and was in a senior position at work. If anyone had called me 'vulnerable' then I would have wanted to poke them in the eye. We really don't need to paint all young OW as 'victims'.

Just about the only additional 'wrong' I can see here is that if Orm's husband genuinely believed the OW was in an abusive marriage, having an affair with her might have endangered her safety. But I'm afraid I'm increasingly suspicious about whether the cuckolded H in this case really is as abusive as he's been painted. She married him less than a year ago after all. It's a good cover story though for having a friendship with a married man isn't it? Especially if you pour your heart out to the man's wife and cynically manipulate that woman's decency and compassion, so that she won't baulk at the amount of support her husband is giving to this damsel in distress.

You might be right sternface, but I think there is a betrayal of trust/boundaries with him being an older, more senior person at work, and her a MUCH younger and less senior person who not doubt looks up to him and the reason posters are referring to her as 'vulnerable' is due to the info we've been given. I don't think anyone's saying all younger OWs are vulnerable?

Re whether her husband EA, yes it could be a convenient cover story but the fact they have only been married a year means absolutely nothing and is no evidence that it's fabricated... as we all know from reading this boards.

(Also it being a school environment feels wrong to me. It should be a place of responsibility and integrity - yes, yes, I know teachers are just people and I know I will get flamed for that!)

Orm, just seen you got deleted but totally agree re remarks about the OW, she's no victim.

How are you doing?

Great! Deleted . Thanks so much mn. I keep being told I 'm an emotionless freak and when I get mad I get deleted.

Orm, I'm sorry :( it must seem like you can't win. No, she's no victim and you have a right to be angry at her. While you're obviously angrier at your DH, you're working through that with him. You have no opportnity/desire to do that with her, so the anger remains.

I'm a bit perplexed by the deletion, I read the post, and Orm I've been reading along, and I'm glad that you now sound angry. I think that's progress. This must be so very difficult for you.

And you are not an 'emotionless freak'! As so many have said, you have been full of dignity and quiet courage. You are not minimising what H has done by feeling venomous towards the two-faced, devious OW.

H must only have a week to go at work - do you see that as a good thing?

I liked your post too, dont know why it was deleted. Good for you, she is most certainly not a victim

I didn't see your deleted post Orm, but I would be angry too and angry at her being painted as a victim.

(To be clear re my post above yours - I can see why she's been described as vulnerable given her alleged EA marriage and their positions at the school. I DO think she is guilty of doing something extremely wrong whether vulnerable or not).

I didn't get to read the post - so no idea what you said Orm. I speak as someone who HATED the OW. God, you have no idea how much I hated her. She was married too - and I dreamt about telling her 'DH' and they were dreams of victory! I wanted her world to be destroyed, in the way mine had been. But now, I see she was nothing. Really, honestly nothing. Every second of my life I spent hating her was a second of my precious life wasted. (A life I could have shared with my friends/ children / read a fantastic book / baked a fucking cake - anything other than think about her). I am worth more than that. I am worth more than worrying about what a cheating, duplicitous woman does with her time.

In truth it was never about her. There will always be vulnerable / manipulative / needy (delete as appropriate) women in the world. Always. Where ever you move/go, whatever job your DH does, the women he meets will sometimes be needy/vulnerable or manipulative.

So actually it's ALL about him. And Sternface I disagree totally. He's a teacher. That's supposed to stand for something. He's supposed to teach and educate our children and he will be considered superior to a TA, because of his qualifications. Your experience as a 25-year old is irrelevant - how fabulous that you were self-assured and confidant. I hope my daughter experiences life the same way - but it's laughable to assume that other 25-year-olds are the same - or that they wouldn't be in awe of an older man with higher qualifications who offers them support at a vulnerable time in their life.

Anyway Orm, I'm not sure that I'm helping - and I want to help. I want you to believe that you'll get through it (you will) and one year on from now you will be much happier whatever you decide. And whatever you decide is right for you.

I agree with with sternface tbh. I work as a CA in a special school and I dont think of my teacher as my boss . Yes he's in charge of the class overall but in no way tells me how to do my job. A CA in a SS is totally different to a TA.

I never saw Orms deleted post but why was it deleted if it was aimed at the OW? She's not on the thread to take offense.

Who on EARTH reported Orm's post?? They don't get deleted unless someone reports them - and surely threads like these are the one place that the OP can vent her spleen as and when (so long as no personal attacks on other posters of course)

Orm - I know what Triffid is saying but really, you have to reach that place yourself in your own time. I know it's trite, but there really IS a process that everyone pretty much goes through - not necessarily in the same order, but pretty much the same. Anger, hatred etc. are all part of the process - they come and they go as and when each individual needs them to. The only real problems start when they DON'T go away - and then perhaps counselling is required to move the person past their "stuck" phase.

Have you asked MNHQ why they deleted your post? I didn't see it, but they should tell you.

Maybe it's my fault that this has gone off at at tangent. I saw Orm's DH as someone who was more mature, in a higher position, and in a stable relationship with a loving and supportive wife/family and therefore someone who should (if he was to get involved at all - which was highly questionable) be genuinely supportive to the OW (i.e encourage her to get counselling/deal with her self-esteem issues). From Orm's description the OW was considerably younger, unstable, damaged and in an abusive relationship.

However, I really don't want this to go off tangent into a 'how much blame can we put on the OW' and I'm sorry if I've lead the conversation onto that route. I cannot emphasise enough as someone who has been on the receiving end of betrayal/lies/deceit and who wasted years of her life thinking about OW/relationship that it is NEVER about the OW/OM. It really isn't.

You've every right to hate the cow. And venting that anger is healthy, surely? Normal, healthy, cathartic. Have no idea why it was deleted; MN thought it was aimed at a poster, perhaps? Also startled someone saw fit to report it.

I hope your weekend has otherwise been okayish in the circs, Orm. Hang on in there.

I didn't see your post Orm, but I'm very sorry it's been deleted, especially if that has prevented you in any way from continuing to get support from this thread today.

I come at this from a feminist perspective tbh and I dislike women being depicted as vulnerable victims who are not responsible for their actions. I think that's demeaning towards women. I don't think a 25-year old OM who was married with children and in a responsible job would be similarly described as 'vulnerable', especially if the woman he was having an affair with wasn't his line manager. Apart from the alleged marital abuse the OW was enduring, unlike others I don't get the sense that this is a naive defenceless young woman who was in thrall to an older, experienced man. Given that it's now pretty obvious that she was responsible for keeping the rumours going and trying to manipulate the situation for her own ends, my impression is of someone quite calculating and ruthless - and strangely unafraid of how an affair and the rumours about it might lead to an escalation of abusive behaviour at home. This is what adds to my scepticism about the abuse claims.

It's way too soon anyway for someone in Orm's position to feel anything other than rage and hatred towards the OW, especially as she befriended her and treated her with kindness. And even if in years to come, that hatred dims it is perfectly understandable that Orm will still hold the OW partly responsible for this unimaginable pain. That's because she is partly responsible for it, of course. WRT Orm's husband, yes of course the affair was 'all about him' in so far as it shouldn't have mattered how enticing the opportunity he should have backed off, but in the absence of a third party, there would have been no backing off to do. IMO both parties share the responsibility for an affair and there shouldn't be a different standard applied to the different sexes.

Well, I come out of lurking to remind the OP that her H and OW denied everything to the headteacher. They had a person of professional standing defend their integrity and ask for all rumours to cease. These rumours went beyond one staffroom - they reached the staffroom of the Secondary school. Colleagues reported seeing intimate behaviour in a restaurant.

So everyone was lying and spreading rumours? Well, now it appears that they weren't! Only two people were lying - OP's H and the OW.

Orm can rage as much as she wants at the OW - but her H has very little credibility in my book. He had the audacity to get his Headteacher to intervene and portray him and OW as "whiter than white". He then told Orm how the Headteacher was 'backing him' and dispelling the 'myths and rumours'. How controlling is that?

I wonder what the headteacher and colleagues feel now.

It is entirely Orm's choice whether she works through this situation or not - but her H is a liar of great proprtions.

Orm I saw your post and I cannot see why on earth it was deleted.

MN can Orm have an explanation please?

I guess it was deleted because I told those who were feeling sorry for the OW to 'go away' and do it elsewhere. In more florid language. It wasn't aimed at any one poster in particular just all those who were telling me that DH was unprofessional and feasting on the unprotected innocence of some poor little ingenue

I also said if anyone is interested that I have been massively betrayed by my DH but he is not some sort of glorified paedophile. THe OW is 25, an adult with her own kids, perfectly capable of knowing right from wrong. I am busy enough coping with my own pain and hanging onto what remains of my self-respect to give a flying toss about her anymore so it anyone wants to feel sorry that woman do it somewhere else.

And for those who wanted me to get angry, I am massively angry and have given DH hell most of last night. He is just as terrified as anyone could wish that I am about to kick him out. It doesn't feel better, it feels worse. But I guess it had to happen. But there isn't much milk of human kindness left for anyone else right now, let alone that woman.

I dont't bame you OP. I don't blame you.

You're having to wade through all this crap right now and you should be allowed to have your say here without being all PC.

If it helps at all, and i hope it does, when i read through the posts here from over the weekend just now i didn't get a strong feeling of sympathy for the OW from anyone particulaly. I think people are just bouncing thoughts around.

You're raw and torn right now and i think you're doing amazingly well. Be angry - it will pass.

Thumb, I was trying to figure that out too

Orm - angry is good. And yes, no one should be trying to get you to think about anyone else's feelings just now - you need to process your own feelings, they can look after themselves.

(too much sanctimonious stuff going on sometimes - it just isn't appropriate in the rawness of reaction from the injured party :()

stealth - the point you made earlier is true. I am working through things with DH, he is getting a lot of anger and tears from me and is trying to make things better and being very patient and loving. Whether he succeeds is still to be seen. But I haven't heard anything from her - her life has remained the same - not so much as a word of apology or regret. I don't really expect it TBH but it makes it hard to feel anything but anger towards her.

Oh and her words when DH told her I had seen the texts were 'You fucking idiot!' . Idiot because he hadn't deleted the texts as she did. Idiot because he was caught out. Not idiot for getting involved with her in the first place.

I would also like to know who reported my post