Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

Orm, this is just my opinion, sure lots will disagree. You were right to trust him completely and to give him the benefit of the doubt. That's what a marriage should be - there should be a hell of a lot taken "on trust" - not just about fidelity but a whole host of other things.
Which is why it is extremely bad that he has shattered that. You were not stupid to trust him - he was your husband, and you were obviously not stpid to feel that something wasn't right. As someone else has said, you were spot on. So trust yourself. And let him convince you to trust him again. You'll trust him when you trust him. Until then, you won't. And that's soemthing he'll have to wrry about I'm afraid.

The distance between us predated his affair

I wonder if it began when OW first came onto the scene (i.e before the affair began).

In many affairs, the cheater usually start detaching before the actual start of the affair - the more established the primary relationship, the longer this detachment process is as more time is needed to create emotional/mental space before the actual cheating starts.

When I plotted the timeline of my H's affair, I could see that the detachment started several months before it started and that was when OW reappeared in our lives (she was a mutual friend that we hadn't seen for years). It helped me make sense of why we seemed to be unhappy during that period.

Hi Orm, if you look at your local college they do massages etc for more thsn half the price as anywhere else.

Im not sure how much faith you put in all things woo , but you should look atthe Bach Flower rememdies. You can buy Rescue Remedy in a spray and there is a nighttime version.

Not woo is Syndol. I take this at night if something is on my mind. It stops my mind racing and makes me sleepy. The muscle relaxant helps untighten my back and shoulders.

Take care x

I think asking him to write it down is a good idea, but I don't think you've got the entire truth and you won't get the whole truth then either, but it's a good start. Look out for passive language in the letter i.e. 'it happened' rather than 'I decided to' and other minimising statements i.e. a quick/drunken kiss.

I have to say that IME even the best of people lie and minimise in the early weeks and months. At some level they understand that if the whole grisly story comes out all at once, their risk of losing their relationship is magnified whereas as time goes on and the faithful partner recovers from the shock and adjusts to the new normality, the more he or she is able to cope with new information and accept it.

This however is another example of selfishness; putting their right to a continuing relationship above the other person's right to know and make decisions.

That other thread of yours from yonks back is illuminating Orm. As I read it, this was a good few months before the OW's wedding and your husband's distance during last year's summer hols. I think one of the most significant things you've yet to ascertain is when this affair truly started, at least in their heads. Again IME what tends to happen in these situations is there is a fairly long 'permission-giving' process, although this is often subconscious and wouldn't be framed as that by the participants at the time. What it often heralds though is the start of distancing from their sanctioned partners. Not necessarily to justify having an affair; it's a bit more subtle than that. More to 'create a gap' so that each 'next step' is more permissible.

Again IME this happens particularly when a marriage is a strong one and this is a first proper infidelity. Your husband might have found it impossible to take any of those steps while he felt close to you, so the gap was necessary so that he could do what he wanted to do.

I'm afraid this also raises the improbability of the record getting 'stuck' from January onwards. If this affair has been a slow-burning thing like many of us suspected, it's very unlikely that it stopped at kissing. I know you've said it makes no difference to the overall picture, but the significance of this is that your husband might still be lying to you. That's a pretty big deal in itself.

Has your husband come clean to his head-teacher Orm and apologised?

Saw your last post Orm. I think it's a really good thing that you can empathise with how easy it is for affairs to start and that will help you, but I think the difference between you and your husband's stories is not down to the behaviour of the OW/OM, but lies in your own individual personalities. It sounds like the OW was making similar pledges to your 'OM' but you behaved very differently to your husband at that point.

Did you have depression before you were in a relationship with your husband Orm?

Yes. Since I was about 14 - I used to think it was just feeling a bit miserable but I always kept a pack of razor blades in my knicker drawer just in case. Never used them, never seriously beleived I would but they were a comfort. Not so serious until I was an adult though.

The most important sentence to say, I think, with or without compassion is, "I know you will be doing a lot of things thinking you are protecting me, but really you are protecting yourself."

Sorry that your depression has been more or less lifelong Orm.

Very true, Vander. Orm I think it's possible that your husband is telling himself that it would be irresponsible and unnecessarily hurtful of him to tell you everything and it's even probable that he is linking your depression and previous tendencies to self-harm, to prop up that bit of conscience-soothing.

But that needs stripping back and you both need to acknowledge the self-interest that is always there when people keep secrets.

There is also a big difference between 'not remembering' unassailable facts that realistically no-one 'forgets' such as when it started, what happened, when it happened, who knew about it and the conversations that occurred that were momentous i.e. the first admission of feelings, the declarations of love, what was said about eachother's marriages and the feelings for the unknowing partners.

This is very different to the other two areas of memory i.e. trivial detail and those aspects of the affair and one's own motivations that are often better revealed with the benefit of hindsight. Often, those last 2 areas are as much unknown to the person having an affair as they are to his partner.

Not the unassailable facts though. If those aren't 'remembered' and are consequently still being hidden, there's a reason for that and it's mainly because of self-interest.

Orm you are just sounding sadder with every post. I have no advice, just wanted to say that I am thinking of you, and this too will pass. Please look after yourself, I suspect the next few months are not going to be easy for you.

glasto - I'm not really sad. I feel things are moving in the right direction - slowly. I also feel that DH and I are communicating better than we have for years. I still don't know what the long term outcome will be.

I keep coming on here for validation I guess - I've not been here before and I want someone to tell me that it's all OK. But no-one can or will.

Kalms have helped with the anxiety. Am breathing properly now.

It is really wierd as you seem to be saying he is starting to do the right things.

It is really hard to explain however to me you come across as emotionally dead or completely numbed. As if you are holding yourself really tightly controlled to remain calm. I keep waiting for you to snap.

Perhaps it is just how you type it however as with other posters it makes me worry for you.

I am not trying to have a go just make sure you look after yourself.

I keep coming on here for validation I guess - I've not been here before and I want someone to tell me that it's all OK. But no-one can or will.

We want to tell you all will be ok but at the moment many of us are worried about how you are dealing with this.

I appreciate you want it do it your way but you do need to start putting yourself and your needs first otherwise you won't be ok.

People deal with trauma in lots of different ways and mental health issues mean people may want to withhold their emotional vulnerability for fear of where it might go.

People who suffer from depression have a tendency to attribute negative events to something internal, within them, and to attribute positive events as being caused by something outside of them, luck, or circumstances. An affair is a dangerous threat to an already vulnerable depressive state because the cheatee often takes the blame on themselves first anyway (especially women) and this could exacerbate to a spiral into depression.

People who have been unfaithful themselves are also in a danger zone when they discover a partner's affair because they deep down feel their own guilt and that their anger or distress is hypocritical. This again makes them look for internal blame instead of locating righteous blame outwards as is healthy, and repress emotion because it seems inappropriate or unjust.

This situation is a cocktail of emotional repression and self-blame, both very strong precursors to depression and I would humbly suggest that Orm consider counselling, where communication could eventually move on from letter writing to face to face, gently and slowly with a safe 3rd person. I also sense a gentle but steady sense that you feel wither guilt or unworthy is relation to your partner, Orm, and that is something separate from the affair that could really do with being addressed as an unequal relationship is a tinderbox for infidelity on both sides (as one person may search for self-worth they lack elsewhere, and the other for the partner they 'deserve'.)

Orm has also found someone she considered part of her support system to be not just absent, but possibly even contributing to her depression (it's obviously a cyclical thing). This is devastating and it's really important she has somewhere to come that's strong and listening that ISN'T her OH, like here.

Read what he writes with an open heart and a sceptical eye, Orm, if you can. he will almost certainly try and track the affair alongside your relationship, as in 'around the time you were unwell or withdrawn, I found myself getting closer to OW...' This sounds completely sensical and is comforting in a strange way because it places your relationship as the driver, but people often try and make these things make sense in retrospect. It's just as likely that he would have done it anyway, that it is about him and his stage in life. And never forget that a supportive, faithful OH would have been more supportive and mor epresent through times of difficulty, not less.

I am thinking of you, Orm x

I have nothing wise to say. I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you along with everyone else posting here (probably some who haven't found words, too) and that you need to hang on to the fact that this will, in retrospect, be a horrible time you're amazed you coped with and got past. Because you will.

Please look into couples counselling. Please. So many of the insightful and wise contributions here are made with the benefit of distance. A good therapist would also have that benefit, and your DH would be there to hear what s/he was saying, too.

They sound like a bunch of bored people actually Perhaps if they all got on with their jobs they would not have time for all this

there's always a twat that rocks up, isn't there

Too true AF.

It will get easier Orm, it took me a few years but we did finally get to a better place and I was happy. Try read that book when you start to feel better, it can only help.

Have kind of caught up with where you are and glad to see some amazing and insightful support... Vanda's posts especially are bloody great.

I don't have much to add except there is a sense that, beyond what you are saying, there is an awful fear that you have to do the right things to make sure this relationship survives because you can't bear to lose it. And you are treading on eggshells. And putting an awful lot of blame in what IMO is the wrong place.

You have given love and trust. As Stealth says, that is the right thing to do. It is NOT YOUR FAULT that trust was broken. NOT YOUR FAULT.

Other than that, if there is any comfort from knowing that someone on the interwebz is rooting for you and wishing you All Good Things then, well, I am x

I'm rooting for you too Orm, and wishing you all the best.

Orm - for what its worth I'd be doing exactly what you're doing. I really hope things work out for you.

Another one rooting for you here. I lurk more than post but have always held you in high regard x

Thanks all x

It's doing my self-esteem no end of good to know that some many 'strangers' care about me.

xales - it is my posting style, and my normal style. I don't gush. I tend to introspection.

Had another go at DH last night - after my run funnily enough, I guess it releases things inside me. All about how I hate the fact that when I was really suffering earlier this year he was too busy comforting another woman to bother with me. He pointed out that he did try but I pushed him away - which is true but I guess I wanted him to try harder and reach out to me. I was crying and shouting at him and said at one point ' I'm not sure we belong together anymore if you could get so far away from me' and the shock in his face was enough to convince me he does want to stay. He said she was always aware that he loved me first and foremost and it wouldn't go any further.

Had enough crying and snot and sore eyes to last me a lifetime.

Aww Orm, I do feel for you right now. these men have no idea of the repercuctions of their actions. Blow some snot on him!