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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rumours at DH's work

999 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 20:49

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/07/2012 15:04

how was he so sure she wouldn't be there, love ?

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 11/07/2012 15:05

Because the boy in question wasn't one of the pupils she worked with.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/07/2012 15:06

fair enough

MadAboutHotChoc · 11/07/2012 15:06

But what I want and what I am not going to get is a blow-by-blow account of their entire relationship even if it hurts.

Why aren't you getting this? I can completely understand why you want this - this article explains why this is an important part of our recovery:

www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/need_to_know.htm

WowOoo · 11/07/2012 15:07

It's not irrelevant - she knows you and how kind you are and yet still....Angry.
Is there any way you could have a little holiday away to recharge your batteries a bit ? Somewhere sunny and lovely.

MadAboutHotChoc · 11/07/2012 15:11

You are entitled to feel angry at OW - she knew you personally and that he was married with kids. I agree that a dignified silence is your best weapon where she is concerned.

I hope that you are much more angry with your H for being so weak and selfish though and he needs to understand that.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 11/07/2012 15:11

Joseph's letter says it all.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 11/07/2012 15:15

Yes it does. I really do hope that you are going to get Not Just Friends - I found it soothing in that it understood where I was coming from and it also helped me make sense of what happened, why and how.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 11/07/2012 15:29

I have the book already mad. Borrowed from a friend who has been there already sadly. Can't quite cope with reading it yet. I know I must

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 11/07/2012 15:31

Its great that you have friends who know what you must be going through.

ValentineBombshell · 11/07/2012 19:41

You mentioned H not attending events where she will be present. Obviously they will still work together and there are 6 weeks of summer holiday about to commence. I just wondered if that was at the bottom of this unease of yours?

VanderElsken · 11/07/2012 19:48

Orm, did you want to go to this gathering on Saturday? It seems early in your discovery and shock that you should not feel you have to attend anything in the outside world if you don't want to, certainly not anything with work connections considering the humiliation. You must have been sick with worry and nerves the whole time, poor thing. It's probably good to address fears with him before rather than after events if you can.

belleMarie · 11/07/2012 20:47

I am sorry you're going through this OP but this thread is frustrating! you're treating that cheating man with kids gloves. I would have high kicked him in his chest but then I am not the patient type. One thing I do know though - no man is ever going to take the piss with me again. You cheat,beat, EA - you're fucking out with your balls stuffed in your ears.

Your hubby is taking the mick. Sling his hook and don't look back. And doing it with your 'friend'? bunch of sicko's.

Look OP, sometimes in life it doesn't pay to be too nice. I know it's not a nice feeling but if you don't look after you - who will? it certainly wont be him, he has shown his true colours. Believe someone when they show you who they are.

When your husband is sleeping, stand over him and keep staring until he wakes up. Then say nothing and get into bed. Unsettle him for a while.

When you see that 'friend' give her a look of pure hate and disgust.

Coconutty · 11/07/2012 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ValentineBombshell · 11/07/2012 22:10

"When your husband is sleeping, stand over him and keep staring until he wakes up. Then say nothing and get into bed. Unsettle him for a while. "

[chortles] @ belleMarie's advice

Might have to give him a nudge though Orm otherwise you could be standing there a long time your nightie.

ValentineBombshell · 11/07/2012 22:11

in your nightie

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 12/07/2012 09:32

LOL at bellemarie! Sorry to frustrate you - I suspect you aren't the only one, but I need to do this in my own way.

I suspect I'd have to stand there for a hell of a long time before he woke up and I don't wear a nightie so I'd be cold Grin

Sent him a copy of Joseph's letter yesterday afternoon because it said what I wanted to. His reply:

"I do understand why you ask questions and have always tried to answer them honestly. I don't accuse you or think you are dwelling in the past. I understand this wil take time. I love you and will do whatever it takes to make this riight. I don't expect it to just go away." I then replied saying that what I really need is a blow-by-blow account of the relationship and he has agreed to try to write it all down as much as he can remember.

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 12/07/2012 09:37

So alread he is bullshitting. As much as he can remember? Bollocks to that. He is going to tell you the minimum he can get away with.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 12/07/2012 09:39

Well I'd rather reserve judgment until I read it.

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 12/07/2012 09:43

As you should.

I was just posting instinctively.

I hope you are happy again soon. You have done nothing to deserve this and don't deserve to be unhappy.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 12/07/2012 09:51

I am so sorry you are in so much pain Orm.

Vander's posts say it all really - so intelligent and wise.

It is horrible that you have been depressed for so long and it could have been partly caused by the nagging feeling and suspicion you have had.

I am worried for you that you say you feel angry but you can't and won't express it. I know I may be latching on to that but I have spent my whole life refusing to let myself get angry about things (which deserve anger iyswim) and it hasn't done much good, tbh. You are hurt and deservedly furious, I think it would help for people around you to know that. It is hard though, god only knows. I often think if I start shouting I will never, ever stop.

Oh just reading that back it makes no sense really, I hope you understand what I mean.

How has work been this week? Are you still feeling anxious? Has it helped going back?

I am thinking of you.

Badvoc · 12/07/2012 10:01

Hi Orm

I am a bit worried about you :(

Just be aware that you anger and hurt about this awful situation will come out at some point. Make sure it does on your terms.

I am a bit baffled as to why you want a blow by blow account...he has already lied to you, what on earth makes you think he will suddenly start telling you the truth now?....you only found out about this because of rumours and because she ended it fgs!!!

Sigh.

I think the only thing the letter might show you is that the beginning of their affair coincided with the start of your depression...I do wonder if your depresson was actually due to knowing something was wrong but not being able to identify it iyswim?

So sorry Orm.

MadAboutHotChoc · 12/07/2012 10:29

Hope you are ok this morning.

Its good that you showed him J's letter and that he has taken on board your need to know.

MadAboutHotChoc · 12/07/2012 10:32

I am a bit baffled as to why you want a blow by blow account...he has already lied to you, what on earth makes you think he will suddenly start telling you the truth now?

Probably because the affair bubble has now burst and he now realises that he need to be 100% honest and open if the marriage is to have any chance of recovering.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 12/07/2012 10:44

The only lie he has told me (apart from the simply fact that he has been lying by omission for months) was that she ended the relationship when in fact they both knew it would carry on under a different name - ie just friends. The fact that in the end he chose to end it for good is a comfort to me rather than anything else.

This current bout of depression was just waiting to happen TBH - I came off my tablets cold turkey last spring so it was only a matter of time (so GP tells me) before it all started up again. I can't blame it all on DH - nice as it would be do so. The distance between us predated his affaird and contributed to as well as fed on the depression.

FWIW I was in a smilar position to him 18 years ago. I met someone at work and we just clicked. Lots of flirting but something more significant underneath which I ignored. Eventually he told me that he was in love with me, was going to leave his GF and I should get a divorce. That was not on the cards and not nearly as much fun as just flirting and feeling flattered by the attention of an attractive man. He frightened me into taking action and within 2 m I had got a new job and moved away. So I know how easy it can be, I was just 'lucky' that my OM was impulsive and showed up how totally stupid and irresponsible I was being. So I can understand a little bit. And I am not perfect.

It was a very stressful time - I have sometimes wondered if that was the initial cause of of adult depression - I had my first major period of anxiety that year. And it's come back again and again, turning into real depression after D was born.

OP posts: