Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

Oh and I've had an offer of a massage from a healer friend of mine. Just got to find time. Back at work - it's OK. DS1 just turned up in my office! He was doing work experience in the engineering stores and they sent him over here to look at how IT effects the factory. Very odd to see him here

Oh lookie www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1182547-Why-am-I-suddenly-feeling-suspicious here

Stupid stupid cow.

That looks like an extremely intelligent woman to me, picking up on something not being right. Not stupid at all. It seems insightful. There is absolutely no shame in assuming that the person you expect to be faithful to you is being faithful to you. No shame at all, except his.

Though the saddest thing you say is how he's being 'extra nice' to you 'which is odd.' :(

You were spot on Orm, unerringly so. Please don't berate yourself for having faith in your H; he's appears to be the one who lost faith in his marriage - hopefully he's putting that right. Past memories, imo, can be like a bloody series of rakes hidden in the long grass.

Orm, it's not stupid to look back and acknowledge that actually you were bang on the money

it's him that is stupid

that was a short and sweet thread, Orm

it said it all though, didn't it ?

I miss wwifn

she would have known what to say to you right now

Orm I think what that thread tells you, is that your instincts are spot on. They were then, and they still are.

Bizarre as it may sound, you should take some comfort from that. You are not adding 2+2 and getting 5, it is not your depression warping your view, nor are you jealous, controlling or anything else.

Your instincts have been correct all the way through this, and if they tell you anything else then you should listen.

I think that thread is a good thing. As come the time when you are ready, in a better place and have maybe, with or without help, run through events.

That is going to help you go through the normal processes and emotions of discovery. ALL THIS TIME!! 18 MONTHS best part of! Where you felt
like your world was not quite right, something was amiss. You are not stupid, he is!

The people who said he was probably the root cause of your mh issues, was spot on imo. Imagine for 18 months doubting your ownself, because of his actions. I really hope you find your peace orm x

I miss her too af. She was amazing but honestly you have all been so helpful - lovely supportive people

I feel better tonight. I came back from a difficult run and was fed up being sore and stressed. I tore into DH and demanded some answers. No more being gentle and understanding. He finally admitted that when she 'ended' it it hadn't really ended. As I suspected from the texts since that date. When I found them he made the move to end it. He made that choice NOT her. It makes me feel better. Maybe it shouldn't but it does. A small victory.

Good for you. Have you talked about access to his phone and email, Orm? If he has lied to you about contact it is entirely your right to help restore trust by making sure any communication between them is seen by you. It's a very important part of reinstilling yours as the primary relationship and building walls around it again.

I can see his phone whenever I want and his IPad (for work). I know he could delete everything but I am choosing to beleive he isn't .

That's good. For me, I think it's also very important to say that any communication between them, if she contacts him for example, needs to be shown to you. He needs to take the initiative doing that and understand it's part of the process. How did he end it? Were you party to that?

So it went back even further then no wonder you have been struggling to keep on top of your mental health.

If WWIFN was here, she would tell you to get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends and work your way through it - your H would find it useful as it seems he is unsure as to what else he should be doing to aid your recovery.

Just caught up with whats been going on - so sorry you're going through this orm(and coco).

Theres lots of good advice on here so I won't add any more but will just say if you both really want it to work it can but it takes time and a lot of honesty from him. We had couples counselling after his affair and our relationship is really good now but I still hate him sometimes for what he did.

Keep posting here - there are a lot of very wise ladies that will help you through it.

AF - I miss WWIFN too. She really helped me :(

Absolutely to madabout above. The book should be got and he should read it. I am very sorry of this can seem a bit keen or pushy but believe me, OP, it's so important. The major crisis that an affair precipitates can often lead to a period of inaction or rudderless chaos which is a normal emotional reaction. You must take care of yourself first. But what happens all too often is that the injured party finds they wake up three months down the line, incredibly angry now they are conscious, and incredibly distrustful. The cheater cannot believe that they are still justifying their actions when they had got used to a calm at the centre of the storm and a false reconnection based on trauma. They find it unreasonable (!) even that they are being demanded more of and will say they saw the last three months as a mutual acceptance of moving on and their behaviour being forgiven or even sanctioned.

This isn't for you, OP, it's for everyone. You can come to it in your own time. I have learnt the hard way that one of the worst things that can happen post-infidelity is NOT TO ADDRESS IT FULLY. This leads to a tacit sanction and a resentment building up which can never be recovered from and it often means it happens again, on either side, because one person feels wronged and resentful and the other feels there were no major consequences for their misdeed. The more we sweep it under the rug, the sicker we get.

The biggest thing the Shirley Glass book will mention is the idea of 'walls and windows'. But essentially, the boundaries around your relationships have been torn down meaning he has been sharing more with the OW, he has been talking about your marriage with her while you have not had the same information or dignity extended to you in the other direction. She knows about your relationship and you know nothing of theirs. if you allow him privacy and respect for this other relationship whilst yours is transparent and vulnerable, he is not protecting you and your relationship. All communication between them must be seen by you so that it can be relegated to problem status in your relationship to resolve, not as its own living breathing, secret-sharing affair running alongside it whilst you operate in the dark.

If it is too painful for you to countenance this, you should still address that with him, often men need very specific requests or they wil claim they didn't know what was unreasonable. You could then later choose whether or not you want to look. But he should know that he cannot communicate with this woman without you being informed about it.

Orm - you have good instincts. You were bang on the money. Not at all stupid.

Orm, the one worrying aspect of this is that each time you confront him you get a bit more of the truth out. I won't belabour the point because I know you don't want to hear it but none of us are doing you any favours by pretending that things are truly on the road to recovery. Until he is fully honest with you, you will naturally continue to mistrust him and it will remain the elephant in the room for your relationship. He will resent your lack of trust and you will doubt yourself every time he furtively checks his phone or stays out late.

I am absolutely not one of those people who thinks "once a cheat always a cheat" or that you should automatically leave him because he cheated (as if it were that easy), plenty of people successfully find their way through infidelity- but if he is not honest with you now, there is no true basis for moving forward. None of us want you to come on here in a few weeks time and say that you've just found out x, y and z and you feel crushed again.

shmarn - I know. I am becoming aware that this is going to be a long and painful road and that at some point I may realise our relationship is dead and buried. But right now I need to know he is on board, on my side and giving me all of his energy and time. If I am honest I knew it wasn't over when he said she had ended it from the texts being sent and received after that time - but I think he saw it as irrelevant detail as it was over as soon as I found the texts. It wasn't irrelevant.

I am beginning to get angry too. With them both but as he is being so loving and attentive most of my rage is directed at her. But I can't and won't express it.

Hi Orm, Just to make sure you know that no one, well certainly not me, thinks you should leave your relationship if that's not what you want. It's great you're beginning to feel how wronged you've been. I'm a big believer that infidelity happens in most relationships (unfortunately) and so has to be got over or dealt with more often than not. There are only a few ways that can happen successfully, and by mislocating blame or burying your own anger from fear, certain things can't be put in place to help you both through it, including proper exploration of why this happened in the first place, which will have more to do with him than you.

That's great news about the massage (also great advice about the breathing).

I also agree that now you've had a few days to really catch your breath, you need to look into your instincts - not the dignified, honourable part of you that loves and trusts, because sadly that virtue/quality has been relied upon in order to betray you - but those excellent, reliable and good instincts, because they'll tell you what you need to know. I think marriage counselling is pretty much essential, because it may be that a third party will challenge him on statements, or support your doing so.

And above all please stop feeling stupid for being a good person who trusts and has faith in the person they are married to! What sort of person would you be if you didn't? You weren't stupid in any way, shape or form, you were living up to your marriage vows, which to my mind include trusting the person you made promises to to keep their own end of that bargain. You weren't about to betray him by doubting his integrity, even though you started to feel like you were going nuts yourself, aware something was amiss. What sort of person would you have been, to jump to such unpleasant conclusions about him when all you had to go on was a gut level unease? Again, that cognitive dissonance - your gut telling you one thing, your heart another - will drive anyone to the point of breakdown. And it's what people who cheat at some level rely on, I think.

I'm genuinely angry WWIFN was driven away. She was such a brilliant poster and helped so many people. Really wish she were still here, because you absolutely deserve the best help possible. I hope at least you know people here are genuinely concerned, Orm. You've been good to a lot of posters here over the years and you are reaping the harvest now.

Also want to agree that infidelity is common, and yet most marriages survive. Sometimes I think it can even act as a wakeup call, but the party doing the injuring needs to step up, for that to happen.

Anyway I will stop waffling now, and just say to take care.

Hi Orm. My only advice would be to ignore her part in it. She is neither perpetrator nor victim - she is irrelevant to your relationship. There will always be OWs and OMs out there who do things for differing reasons. Their feelings and motivations don't matter. What matters is why your partner chose to do what he did, whether he accepts complete responsibility for what happened and whether he has the courage (yes, it takes courage to own up to what he has done) to tell you the whole truth.

There is hope if all that happens and I wish you the very best. I think all of us here are struck by what a thoroughly loving and kind person you are.

Orm, I can only offer you my undying admiration for your strength and dignity. I am so sorry you have had to endure this, and I hope that somehow you will both find a way to pick through this.

We will be with you all the way.

I am trying to ignore her part in it but it still rankles that I invited her into our home and befriended her because I felt sympathy for her problems. Anyway....I know it's irrelevant.

BTW I think I 'know' everything there is to know now. But what I want and what I am not going to get is a blow-by-blow account of their entire relationship even if it hurts.

We went to one of his pupil's 16th birthday party on Saturday. he asked me to go and as one of my stipulations was that he wouldn't go to any school social event without me, I agreed. I was feeling sick with worry that she would be there and how I'd react. She wasn't and when I told DH how I felt he told me that she wouldn't have been there and if she had he wouldn't have gone anyway. Which was a little comforting.