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Original poster

Rumours at DH's work

999 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 20:49

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

OP posts:
Triffiddealer · 02/07/2012 11:58

Thumbwitch - while I understand where you are coming from, your advice makes me really uncomfortable. This whole 'rescuing' scenario has to stop, surely? You can only 'rescue' someone who is needy and vulnerable - it's a power game and it's a pretty fucked-up and immature way of relating - he needs to stop behaving like a teenager and act like a husband, teacher and father - a man with responsibility and integrity.

The alternative in the 'rescuing scenario' is that the OP ensures she remains weak and vulnerable for the rest of her life, so he can keep fulfilling his knight in shining armour fantasy and doesn't have to find ever more vulnerable women to rescue. I wouldn't want that for Orm.

Thumbwitch · 02/07/2012 12:19

No I wasn't suggesting for a second that Orm should play/be/remain weak and vulnerable.

I don't know that I agree with your entire analysis of the rescuing personality - lots of women have it too and it's not necessarily a power game, it's more of a "need to be needed" - and if they feel unnecessary in their partner's life, then they may latch onto someone who does appear to need on them. They may actually end up the victim themselves (not saying Orm's DH is) in that narc personalities may play on their need to be needed.

So perhaps we just have different understanding/belief of how this works - perhaps you're right, perhaps I am, perhaps neither of us are. But I do think that Orm needs to turn to her DH for help when she needs it, not away from him.

perfectstorm · 02/07/2012 13:03

Orm, I've been following and trying to think of something to say for a few days now, but I have been wary of saying the wrong thing. So all I will say is that I've always admired you on MN and it's been one of those threads where you click and see something horrible is happening to a regular you like very much, and feel rather sick for them.

I so, so hope that you can get through this with your relationship in a better place, if that's what you want to happen when the dust settles. Meanwhile I join with so many others here in sending you all the goodwill possible. You really are very, very valued indeed here.

Triffiddealer · 02/07/2012 13:37

Thumbwitch. No rights or wrongs here - just another opinion. (God knows I've been completely wrong often enough)

However, I agree with you that Orm's DH needs to step up to the mark and truly support her now that he's caused her such pain. I hope she'll come back in a few months time and tell us that he has done.

Tambasher · 02/07/2012 13:57

Orm I have a great book, Surviving an Affair, I hid it from myself when I realised my marriage was well, too messy for repair, one thing I have noticed is the amount of people asking your DH to leave.

Well this book goes against that and tries to have you build a better marriage so that this can never happen again. Please PM should you want it and I can look around the house this week and see if I can find it for you.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 03/07/2012 07:58

tambasher - thankyou, a rl friend lent it to me at the weekend. She has been through this but worse a few years ago.

Still muddling through. Had a good weekend in the circumstances.

Just feeling uncomfortable about other people. I told my boss as I didn't want to have to make up illnesses and he was fine. I am now working from home. I am dreading going back to work and feeling everyone's curiosity. And my parents see us every wed - they pick the kids up from school. They will know I'm not at work and I cannot tell them why. I will have to lie. Kids are also wondering why I'm at home and they must not know Sad I want everyone else to bugger off and leave us alone (not MN!). Even good friends checking up on me is beginning to wind me up. This is not like me at all. And I also feel like a fraud - I feel OK most of the time, I should be out there carrying on as normal.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 03/07/2012 08:03

I've just read your last post and your dh sounds like a good man who has done an amazingly stupid thing - no excuses. If he can behave as you need him to now then it sounds like both of you have the desire and the ability to get through this. I still think you're worth 1000 of him though, even as my impression of him has gone up :o

Badvoc · 03/07/2012 08:06

Sigh.

You are not the fraud here Orm.

Why on earth are you still protecting him??? Tell your family and friends...they might actually surprise you.

I understand about not telling the kids, esp as your H has a tricky relationship with your ds BUT you need to realise they may well hear rumours/gossip and it is FAR better coming from you.

Why should you be "out there carrying on as normal??" Things arent normal are they? Please dont start lying to your family and friends for him...you may need them in the future.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 03/07/2012 08:15

badvoc - I cannot tell my parents! I just can't. If we split up eventually then I will tell them. Otherwise it will make any relationship that we have as a couple with them untenable, I won't risk that. Friends - the one's that matter already know. Kids - maybe soon, but not now.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 03/07/2012 08:45

Orm, I wouldn't be able to tell my parents either, and I'm not sure it's a good idea to, anyway. If you do get through this and stay together, your parents will always view him as the man who let you down. It is much easier to forgive people for the things they do to us, than for the things they do to our children. To your parents, you are their darling daughter - they would likely hold this against him forever. You don't need that, if you are going to stay together, even though the support now would be lovely.

Thumbwitch · 03/07/2012 08:49

Orm, would you be able to tell people a half-truth - that you are going through a bad patch together - without giving the reason why? That might be a way to garner some extra support, deflect questioning and give you some space to sort things out.

Or will people insist on pushing to know what's behind it?

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 03/07/2012 09:20

Thanks. Exactly karma - we are working towards mending things and making a better marriage, I don't want my parents to resent DH forever because he has done something that I have dealt with and recovered from.

thumbwitch - I am hoping that will happen at work. I am sure there will be rumours (ha!) but I can ignore them. It's just the initial feeling of being speculated about. Friends who need to know, know and are largely being supportive although there are some who are disgusted with him and with me for not stringing him up by the bollocks Hmm (sooo helpful!) . It's mainly parents and kids.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/07/2012 09:30

Orm...did he send her that email ? Has there been any fallout ? Has he mentioned how things are at work ?

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 03/07/2012 09:43

He sent a text. There was no reply. He also has a letter that I asked him to write as well but I want him to give that to her in person. She isn't at school atm as she is on a different site working on an arts project. We keep in touch on and off throughout the day.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/07/2012 10:06

Orm I agree with karma.

My brother and his wife have been married less than 2 years, but she moved out about 5 months ago. He tried to keep everything under wraps to begin with, but now everyone in the family knows. She has been vile to him, just vile, and to me it is fairly clear that there is someone else and that her behaviour is the 'creating emotional space' that people have talked about on this thread.
He however, is still hoping they might sort things out - but it will be extraordinarily difficult for the family to be normal with her again because we have all seen how horrid she has been and how miserable she has made him.

Your parents would never forgive him, even if you have, and that is an added pressure that you don't need.

cocolepew · 03/07/2012 10:09

hi orm a Couple of weeks ago my dh told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and was leaving. Long story shortwe are still together We both told the DDS what was going on It was awful for allof us but I thought it was best they. knew the truth they were aware something was going on,my eyes were red and my whole attitude to dh had changed.we told them there were problems but were working through them. they are 10 and 14. They were much better once they knew.
One of the reasons was I quet ill atm and I didnt want them thinking aomething awful was happeningwith me

You know your own children best though so do what you think is best.

Much love x

cocolepew · 03/07/2012 10:10

Sorry for typos! Im blaming the phone Blush

AnyFucker · 03/07/2012 11:12

ok, orm, sorry I forgot it was a letter

anniewoo · 03/07/2012 11:34

Orm could OW have lied re her own 'abusive' relationship to gain sympathy. She certainly is capable of it judging by all her other actions -coffee with you etc. You sound like such a lovely person- keep strong.

ReportMeNow · 03/07/2012 12:08

It's harder once your own family know as it's far more black and white with them and he'd forever be getting the death stare.

Out of interest would you consider telling your ILs? It's very dependent on what kind of relationship you have with them of course, but in the forgiving stakes they are a better bet and will probably think you're marvellous for trying to make it work in the light of their son's immense stupidity. If they are nearby they might be more willing to help out re having the children whilst you and H do what you have to do. Anyway, just a thought...

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 03/07/2012 12:27

annie - I wondered that too I also wondered how DH managed to 'find' the blades that she cut herself with. I thought self-harm was something kept very secret. But I am trying to forget about her.

OP posts:
Badvoc · 03/07/2012 12:29

I can understand that orm, but I still think you are protecting HIM not you and that bothers me :(
I think you also might be underestimating your parents? Imagine if it were your dx going through this....would you want to know/help?
I think ny telling the, you a) don't have to lie/pussyfoot around and b) as report said they could help more so you and H can spend more time together??
Anyway. I am thinking of you x

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 03/07/2012 12:32

THanks badvoc.

OP posts:
sternface · 03/07/2012 12:45

Orm have you found out any more about what 'changed' in January? Do you have a better sense now about when this actually started, in any form?

The balance to be struck about telling others is to ensure you have enough non-judgemental support around you, while retaining your right to privacy and secrecy with others for whom the knowledge would worsen and inflame the situation. Keep a close eye on the kids though. It's amazing what they absorb, overhear and see - and how their imaginations run riot to fill in the gaps. Some children will never confront the situation either, so there's no way of telling what they know. Children tend to be damaged in these situations by lack of information, not honesty.

Badvoc · 03/07/2012 12:56

Completely agree re children stern face.