Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

I think you are being very sensible orm.
You are working a day at a time but have no expectations of the future.
I wish you the very best x

Glad to hear you are holding on ok.

I really do hope your H will spend some time looking at his own weaknesses and issues - remember that even though things were not good, you didn't choose to have an affair.

You would be wise to check if your relationship difficulties began at the same time as when OW first came on the scene - often what happens then is a gradual distancing on your H's part, creating a vicious circle of you reacting negatively to his behaviour and him pulling away.

Take care x

One day at a time, Orm.
You will most probably swerve between forgiveness and the desire for retribution, from calmness to hysteria, from balance to upset.
No decisions have to be made until you want to make them.
There is no timescale.
Just be kind to yourself.

Orm, you sound lovely. I have just read this entire thread, and my heart has gone out to you more than once.

Firstly, with my MH Nurse hat on, I'm going to take a leap and say that your depression, whilst very real, is actually very likely caused by your husband. He has used your depression possibly as an excuse to behave cruelly. He wanted you to go to the doctors and get 'fixed'. But whilst citalopram (and you're on a fairly low doseage by the way) does blur the edges, it papers over the cracks. You will not heal until you address why you need the ADs in the first place. There are two types of depression, some of us have a shortage of the 'happy' stuff in our brains, so ADs boost the levels up to normal; others simply have a hell of a lot of shit to deal with, and living with a man-boy, who everyone thinks is kind and wonderful, but actually treats you with disdain is enough to have the happiest of us reaching for the citalopram.

My husband made me feel like shit. Everyone thought he was kind, sensitive and lovely. He put me down, criticised me, undermined me, ignored me, mocked me and made me believe that I was totally unworthy. I too took citalopram. It made me tired, and a little numb, it made me introverted and cut off from reality. He moaned about having a depressive wife, with no get up and go. Once I'd told him to get up and go, I got better, and the meds were no longer required.

I won't judge you at all. Only you and your husband know whether you have something strong and solid enough to build a future on. My ex was having an affair, but he had denied this for months and months. I actually threw him out, not because I found out for sure about the affair, but because he was slowly destroying me - my confidence, my sense of worth. I had 4 kids to bring up, and he had knocked all the stuffing out of me. I threw him out, filed for divorce, lent on the wonderful people on MN, and picked up the pieces.

I think you need space from your husband. Even on a temporary basis. He needs to see what he has done, and do absolutely everything in his power to repair the damage. He needs to see what he stands to lose. He hasn't done nearly enough. He denied, he didn't accept responsibility, and when I read the bit about him asking your friend how honest he should be, a huge alarm bell went off - he doesn't get it. He will never get what he has done, because he detached from you long ago. The bit about him being on holiday 'but not being there' really resonated with me - we had a final holiday like that. My husband told me over a year before I threw him out that he longer loved me. I knew then, though I went through the motions of trying to become what he wanted, that we were dead in the water. Nothing would ever undo that pain and rejection.

You have little self-esteem, because you have mirrored your sense of self on what he done. It has eaten away at you. If you want him, really want him, then it has to be on your terms, and he has a hell of a lot of work to do to win you back.

Dig deep, find your courage, and decide what you really want. And if that takes time, then take as much as you need. And don't protect him by not leaning on people in RL. You need support and your family. He's in the wrong here - not you. You are worth so, so much more love.

Great post Saffy.

Op, if your marital difficulties pre existed OW, then it will be a much harder road to recovery.

Good post saffy,

excellent saffy.

Briliant insight saffy. The holiday part struck a chord with me. I actually split with my ex on the way home from a holiday ( we were engaged). He was disengaged to the point I thought it would have been nicer to have gone on my own.

As aside he wasnt involved with anyone else but came crying to me saying he knew he had treated me bad for months but he was testing my love for him. Sort of back fired on him.

Brilliant post from Saffy. Orm, don't be too quick to take on his guilt and make it your own. There is a lot of owning of responsibility for the affair coming across in your posts (as well as a lot of empathy and dignity).

Glad to hear you are doing well saffy.

Great post.

Some of you seem to be making a lot of assumptions about our marriage that are simply not true.

I can't post any more. It will just end in a defensive bunfight.

Thanks x

Orm my lovely, twill always be thus with MN. People get all carried away and project etc too.

Just take what yo need and leave the rest. xx

Orm - I hope I haven't upset you, I haven't made any assumptions about your marriage, I just see a lot of what you are going through that resonates with my experience. If you want to make things work, that's great, all I want is for you to ensure that he fully owns his appalling behaviour, and for you to find your true self before you even think about a future forward. Good luck.

Thanks everyone for your kind comments x

Hi orm, i hope you are ok.

Can i ask, is he still saying he loves her?

I just wanted to post again in support. You must do what you feel is right for you and your future. I really admire the way you are handling all of this and wish you well. Your family are very lucky to have you x

saffy - no, you have been amazing. I am grateful for your support and help. Truly.

There are just so much more to this relationship. DH has always hated my low self-esteem. He told me every day that I was beautiful, attractive, intelligent, amazing and that he was priviledged to be with me. I simply never beleived him. My self-esteem is very poor. After having been with him (married and unmarried for 25 years) I think he got disheartened.

I have been depressed on and off since I was 14. I found a pack of razor blades and kept them in my knicker drawer. It made me feel safe. Next really bad bout was in my late 20s. DH withdrew from me and I couldn't cope. Why? Because his dad was dying. His dad was a selfish twat who had treated DH and his sisters so badly. DH couldn't cope with the fact that after all these years he was finally building some sort of relationship with him just for him to die. And I, who had the most loving parents imaginable, couldn't cope. I was useless to him when he needed me most. Who was to blame? Neither of us IMO. He forgave me first, who had more to forgive.

DH was a child treated appallingly by the one man who should have been his role model and best support. And not supported properly by his mother who was more pissed off about having to work to care for her family than how her children were suffering. I look at him and am awed by how well he has coped. I take some pride in the man he is because I think I have, over the years, been more of a help than a hindrance to him. I encourage him to go to university to train as a teacher, I earned money to support him there.

Inspite of the fact that my parents didn't much like him he has been unfailingly respectful to them, never begrudged a moment I and the DC have spent with him. When my dad was ill a few years ago he was 100% supportive of me, and of my parents. That was the point at which my parents realised what a diamond he was. Now neither of them will hear a word against him.

Yes, he is a lazy arse around the house, he can be profligate with money. But that is partly down to me. I take charge of everything so making it easy for him to let things go. I allowed if not encourage him to go out as much as possible because then we didn't need to communicate.

We both had a part to play in the sad cold mess that our marriage became. Depression, a child on the autistic spectrum, work stress, money worries, didn't help. He found someone who was pathetically grateful for his attention. And he responded. I am not sure I entirely blame him.

However, that needs to stop now. He kicks OW into touch and he and I get on with our marriage. There is a lot of mending to do but a good foundation to build on. If it doesn't work I will be as much to blame as him.

You've been in my thoughts a great deal over the last few days.

When my Ex had his fling, I wasn't sure if I blamed him either. Our marriage had become shit - both of our faults, lots of history/issues, both of us basically nice people who did/said shit things. It turned out though that while I could (and did) forgive him, I couldn't forget - it was just tainted after that and I couldn't move on. I tried for 6 months and then left. So you've reached a sort of forgiveness - you'll find that forgetting is harder, so be prepared for that. The best of luck.

I hope it goes well Orm , you are more forgiving than I could be.

I hope this can be the start of a brand new and happy marriage Orm, 12 months ago it seemed that your relationship was on it's last legs and I remember your post on whether it was "good enough" and if this is the push you both needed to rebuild your marriage, well, it's been a hard lesson but hopefully worth it in the end.

Good luck.

Orm - you are absolutely right. None of us know your Dh like you do. We don't understand his qualities, or your history and your relationship. 25 years is a hell of a time and that means a lot. On top of that, you have children together and their upbringing and happiness is your responsibility - nothing to do with a lot of anonymous posters on MN who can click off any time they like.

But ... and I'm sorry, there is a but..., read your post again. Despite all that, despite the fact that you should know him inside and out, you were completely off the mark. You misread it all because he was conning you. He was unfaithful. He did lie and abuse your trust. The normality you seek is not there. Your parents would not be singing your DH's praises if they knew the truth now, would they? He is not your knight in shining armour any more than he is for the OW (and actually, as she is his TA and in an abusive marriage, if I was his boss, I would consider him predatory and possibly take disciplinary action).

I am not saying this to hurt you. I am not saying this to make it worse. It is what it is. The way forward for both of you - together or separate - comes from recognising that and not clinging on to the past. I am sorry if this makes you defensive, but I understand if it does.

I hope that maybe the shock of discovery is enough to jolt your DH into the realisation that he has a fantastic woman as his wife and to make amends. Good luck Orm.

Orm you and your husband both sound like cool , decent , ( and flawed ) people to me.
It's entirely feasible he never had sex with the other person. Certainly no one here knows. I wish you both well. People have got through much worse . X

Good luck Orm.

I understand the stage you're at and it's especially common to rush to take some responsibility for the circumstances that led to an affair if you're someone who always tries to be fair and to see situations from all sides.

The flip side of this however is that for people who like to feel in complete control of their lives and what happens, there is a need to believe that one's own behaviour would have changed the outcome. There is some 'safety' in this belief because it allows us to think that we can control future outcomes too.

But we can't.

We can influence others of course, but we can't control them or what they do. This can be a frightening 'truth' to acknowledge and it usually hits people further down the line than you are Orm. Right now, your safety and your children's safety have been threatened and it's an understandable and normal phase of recovery to want to get some control back and reassure oneself that if you'd only tried harder, been more loving and appreciated your partner more, this wouldn't have happened.

The unknown for you and possibly your husband is that it might still have happened though, regardless of what you'd done. In fact affairs like this do happen, in all sorts of marriages. The only common denominators are those associated with the person who was unfaithful and the situations in which they found themselves. The focus should therefore be less on the relationship and more on the individual whose behaviour generated the crisis.

Don't lose sight of that in your need to control events and restore normality.

Orm, I really hope you can work out a better way forward for both of you, one that makes you both happier. Hopefully that will be together and if you are both of the same mind, it's more likely to be so.

He does need to let go of the feelings he has for this woman; and he needs to realise that you are in as much need of rescuing as she is. Because you are, even if you don't want to be. Let him help you, let him love you, let him be there for you as much as he needs to - it sounds like that's something he wants to do.

Good luck with it all - you've a hard road to travel but if you're both in step with each other, it will be that bit easier.