Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

I understand why you have decided not to tell your parents - I didn't as I knew it would be something they will not be able to forgive or forget.

My children weren't told either but I wouldn't be surprised if they knew something was wrong.

Glad you have "the book" Orm.

I remember feeling very ashamed when my ... I keep going to type DH but YUCK! Sorry my EX did this to me, I don't know why I just felt like everyone knew and I didn't want people feeling sorry for me, yeah I found it embarrassing I think, my parents hated him as it was so I didn't want them knowing...

You do what is best for you Orm and sod everyone else just now. Take the advice you like, ignore the advice you don't and look after yourself.

stern - I grilled him on Saturday. He has been getting closer to her since last autumn. He says the holiday thing was just that he was miserable with our marriage as it was and didn't think I cared enough to do anything about it. Her H began to be control her and be emotinoally abusive towards her a few months after her marriage - october time - and that was when she started leaning on him more. They just got closer and closer. Then her grandfather died. Jan was when they admitted their feelings were serious. Reads like some fucking Mills and Boon doesn't it I am most angry about the fact that when I was going through my own shit he was propping her up.

That doesn't sound entirely plausible given that the rumours preceded the autumn and I'm assuming her wedding was before your holiday together. You've also alluded to the fact that your marriage had been lacking for some time, so the sudden onset of misery on his part about that also seems rather implausible given that he already had a strong friendship with this woman by that point. Again I would say to you to be a bit circumspect about diagnosing cause and effect.

Given that you instigated talks with him about him going to the wedding and how uncomfortable that had made you feel - and you discussed your relationship with him at that point - I cannot see how he thought you didn't care enough about the relationship to do anything about it. If you hadn't cared, you wouldn't have felt uncomfortable - and you felt uncomfortable because you sensed something was wrong and had changed in him and in your relationship.

There seems to be some revisionist thinking going on here.

Coco so sorry to hear you're goig through a tough time too

So sorry coco

The seeds were being sown before last summer Orm, don't you remember some of your posts back then? Wasn't there a BBQ/get together with her and some of his colleages where you felt very left out ?

That should have been enough for him to pull back when you raised your concerns with him, he created this situation, regardless of the state of your marriage at that time, you seem to be blaming yourself an awful lot for his choices.

I just want to say that I also completely agree that telling everyone about this is not a good idea, when the hope is that the marriage will heal. Why extend the fallout and consequences, when that's avoidable? Obviously if you need support or things deteriorate to the stage you need to discuss things more widely, then that changes, but that isn't a decision you need to take yet. Taking things cautiously seems eminently wise, in a situation that could get so dramatic if you don't.

I do think people sometimes forget that, short of violence or serious illness, most life decisions can be taken at a reasonably leisurely pace. I'm also not entirely convinced that total honesty is always essential, even if Mr Orm has been a little less than wholly frank (no idea on that one, either way). The fundamental point is that a marital line was crossed: prioritising one's spouse above anyone and everyone except the kids. He knows that, he's admitted that, and now they need to work out how to move forwards from it. Some people find utter honesty is how, others find that no better than rubbing salt in wounds. It's up to Orm as to which she is. If he is genuinely working on rebuilding with Orm, and genuinely putting her first then establishing how they do that should be her call. MN people, albeit with the best will in the world, trying to tell her how to do so is misplaced. She only has so much emotional energy, and I think she should be the one to decide how to allocate that energy.

Orm, I hope you're having an okay week.

I think he is lying orm...or as stern face says he is being "revisionist".
Your doubts long precede that time frame.
How can he say he didn't think you cared when you told him how you felt about the wedding??
I don't think he is being genuine at all perfect, sorry.
I know why orm doesn't want to send him out of the marital home and that is the fear he will go to her.
Not great is it?
:(

I don't think it matters what we think. It matters what she thinks. Supporting her choices is one thing; trying to force your own perceptions of her reality on her is another. Even if you're right, if she isn't ready to face it yet then she isn't. All you do by trying to force her is undermine her already fragile confidence. She needs to make the decisions; not him, and certainly not random people off the interweb.

Some posters appreciate having their world views challenged. She's very courteously asked people to back off. Might be nice if that were respected. It is her life and her marriage, after all.

True.
And I will back off.
I hope orm realises at some point how great she is and that a man who can cheat on his wife of over 20 years when she is struggling with mental health issues is not worth the fight.
Having had MH issues myself in the past I know it can make it hard to realise your own worth and stick up for yourself. I hope when she feels better she can take time to reasses what SHE wants and what is best for HER.
Because at the moment its all about protecting the kids and him.

Thanks perfectstorm. You said it better than I could

I could flay his soul, lay his every little secret thought and feeling open to me, expose his behaviour and my sense of betrayal to everyone we care about who would be distressed or angry, and some people who would probably just sneer, cause immense distress to the children, and then attempt to marshall the remnants into some form of marriage. And then inevitably fail.

FWIW I beleive that I know as much as I need to. Our marriage has been ailing by degrees for years and years for a range of reasons - the culpability for that is at my door as much as his. The 'affair' is his and his fault only but
I saw no hint of anything untoward happening with him and the OW (or anyone else) prior to last summer. I can well beleive that they began to get closer at that time. When they actually said they cared, when they kissed is almost irrelevant. What matters now is that it has stopped and he has turned all his attention to me. I beleive that is the case. We have been talking and sharing our time, thoughts, memories and feelings ever since last week. It has been cathartic. We have a chance to start again. That is a good thing. It really is.

BTW I challenge anyone without a digital memory chip stored in their brain to have anything but a slightly 'revisionist' view of the past because it is impossible to remember every little detail and we always tend to paint the past in the colours that suit us. Even significant days will be held in different memories differently.

Thanks for your good wishes. There was no OW in Dhs case. He has been having bowel and stomach problems but never let on the full extent to me. He had got depressed thinking it was serious. A feiw years ago my eldest DD had a breakdown aged 11. This took a terrible toll on the family and DH is very introverted and didnt like to speak about it to anyone, whereas I had my friends at work. Hes a natural worrier and is very concerned about my health atm too.

DH was very confused when speaking to me, he just didnt seem himself or 'connected'.

That was a few weeks ago. He is on anti depressants (just as I finally came of mine!) and feels much better. He his under medical investigations as if seems there is a big problem concerning his physical health.

Apologies for hijack!

"I hope orm realises at some point .............that a man who can cheat on his wife of over 20 years when she is struggling with mental health issues is not worth the fight."

Bollocks.
There does not need to be a fight
And
Lovely decent people do stupid things

In a marriage of long-standing it is often the wish to stay, to rebuild. Whichever way people decide, to leave or to stay, it takes tremendous effort, mentally and emotionally, often impacting physically too, and having hand-holding at this time is invaluable. I stepped away from MN midway through mine as I knew the kinds of messages I would get and I wasn't strong enough emotionally to face opposition. But when I was ready, the advice I got from MN was honestly fantastic; I credit MN with my and my dcs' well-being today.

Truly hope Orm is able to find that support too.

How are things Orm? Hope you're ok

Hi Stealth. Keeping on keeping on. I think the shock has hit me now - I am so so tired all the time.

Look after yourself orm. Eat well, sleep well, just take really good care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. All this will have taken sooo much out of you.

It's easy to keep on and on and ignore the signs your body is giving, but you mustn't.

Take care :)

Yes, I remember your comments about you should be at work. You need to be being kind to yourself

Couldnt have put it better myself, this will a huge shock to your system. Look after youself.

Hi Orm ive just read the whole thread and i just wanted to say i am also here and listening, and behind you. you sound so lovely and decent, and also (unfortunately) that you think of everyone else's feelings above your own. Even the ow who is effectively a stranger, who has royally fucked you over. This is to do with your incredible low self esteem and chronic depression. i sympathise, i am also like this.

i really really urge you to get some counselling / therapy just for yourself. xxx

Orm, when my ex-fiancé fecked off after 11y together, I ended up taking an entire week off work and just pretty much staying in bed, I was so tired. I think that was after about 3 weeks. I borrowed my Dad's collection of Agatha Christie books (he had most of them and I'd never read them until then) and read most of them in that week. It was very therapeutic to have that time to just do nothing.

Of course, I didn't have children to deal with as well - but if you can get some time away, on your own, to just allow yourself and your body to go through some of the aftermath of the shock, it would probably help.

Am not surprised you're tired Orm. Take care.

Thanks again everyone.

chocolate - it's funny you say that. I used to be quite a negative person, down to what I assumed was low self-esteem. I used to think that people were all hostile and unpleasant. It has taken a lot of work on my part to stop assuming that and to realise that they aren't, at worst most people are sometimes a bit selfish and thoughtless. My experience has been that most people are able to be generous to others, even strangers, if approached in the right way. That being the case, it's hard to stop assuming responsbility for other people's feelings and to want to make it better. I'd rather be a mug than ungenerous I suppose. Having said that I never want to lay eyes on here again. Or her bratty brilliant kids. BTW if anyone does remember my thread about DH's BBQ last year it was her kids that caused the majority of the havoc.

Orm, I just read that thread. Isn't it interesting how spot-on your instincts were back then. You asked if you were being over-sensitive about the way he and his colleagues were behaving. With the benefit of hindsight, you were absolutely right to be concerned.