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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rumours at DH's work

999 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 20:49

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 29/06/2012 17:08

No-one is judging you, Orm, although some posters are going to empathise a lot and therefore will have definite opinions it really is because we are all behind you and wishing you well.

If it's sounding like some posters are coming on strong it might be that they want to back you up against what they see as a lying, cheating man and nothing else. But you live with him and know him and share a history with him and have plans with him and would need to explain his absence to your DC and so on.

Some of us may be the bitter voice of experience - but actually, every situation has it nuances and everyone is different. I agree with everyone else that - so far - where there was smoke there was fire. However, there's plenty of discussion of Emotional Affairs on MN so it's not like they don't happen.

Houseofplain · 29/06/2012 17:08

That's still a valid point about stds. If there's any risk at all he could have slept with her and not told you...then get tested just because, you really don't want something like a nasty strain of hpv and find out years down the line if it turns bad..

It's quite prevalent in younger women, especially those with a "history".

Not to mention the rumour they were caught having sex. Last thing you want to do is rebuild your marriage. Then find out in a year or so, you have a bad smear or worse.

SundaeGirl · 29/06/2012 17:17

Oh, ffs, stop with the std stuff. It's OTT at this stage.

Really. Hmm Cut some slack! It's been less than a week.

SundaeGirl · 29/06/2012 17:18

That wasnt to you, Orm!

Houseofplain · 29/06/2012 17:20

The people making the point were quite right though.

Mama1980 · 29/06/2012 17:22

No judging at all orm. For what it's worth I completely agree that (for me anyway) it would be the love not sex that was the ultimate betrayal. Whether it not he slept with her is almost beside the point, you have to do what is right for you.Having said that a Sti check just to be on the safe side is a good idea I think. I am so so sorry you are going through this Sad as I said in a previous post you sound lovely and dignified and kind and do not deserve this.

PooPooInMyToes · 29/06/2012 17:27

I don't think it is ott at this stage at all! He's been having an affair, so far hasn't admitted to having sex and whether or not he has admitted it is irrelevant. The op needs to protect herself. He needs to be tested before she has sex with him again. Leave it until after and it will be too late. So unless the op is DEFINITE that he didn't have sex, and i don't see how anyone could be 100% sure, or DEFINITE that she won't sleep with her husband for a very long time, then yes it is urgent.

There is a poster on here who forgave her husband his affair and then caught genital herpes from him. She has suffered terribly with it and has even been hospitalized because of it. So yes, it needs doing.

The ops husband may be offended that he is asked to do it but after what he has done he has no right to be or to expect the op to take his word. He's been lying for a YEAR!

AnyFucker · 29/06/2012 17:27

Do we all think that maybe we all should leave this thread alone just now? Everybody is trying to help, but Orm has indicated the path she is taking. Whether we agree it's the best one or not is immaterial.

I for one, am going to wait until Orm posts again (if she does) and take my cue from that.

countingto10 · 29/06/2012 17:34

Agree Anyfucker, at this stage of discovery all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and lick my wounds. Everything is one day, one hour, one minute at a time. We all process things in different ways - no one way is the correct way.

Please spoil yourself Orm, anything to make yourself feel a little better.

Dprince · 29/06/2012 17:39

I agree with AF. she is feeling judged. Because people keeping telling her shouldn't believe him. She has chosen to and that is her decision. Is it right? No one knows, only time will tell. But it is the right decision for Orm at this time. She needs support in her decision, not to be told she is wrong to have chosen the path she has.
Orm I will also only post if you respond again. I do not judge you, I would like to support you. I will keep checking in to see if you have posted. I wish you the best.

PooPooInMyToes · 29/06/2012 17:43

Good plan.

Tambasher · 29/06/2012 18:07

Couldn't agree more Anyfucker, this thread should be for Orm to vent, talk at her pace only imo

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/06/2012 18:56

Orm, don't be put off posting here :(

If I am honest with myself I would be doing exactly what you are doing now in your situation.

You must do as feels right for you and your family.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 29/06/2012 18:56

Orm

Just thinking about you, supportively

AnotherMumOnHere · 29/06/2012 20:01

So glad you are taking something OP. I was just worried that everything would get worse for you if you didnt take anything. All the best. xx

grimblesmother · 29/06/2012 21:40

You know what Orm? I don't think he does love her, not really. It's that old "in love" vs "love" thing, isn't it? Love is just a word that means so many different things.

He may have been "in love" with her, besotted even. He may think he loves her, but that's not the same as the love that you two have for one another after all these years. He barely knows her. I thought I loved someone once, deeply, but we were just two needy people who convinced ourselves we were right for one another. I'm astonished at how quickly I forgot him when contact ceased and I now know our "relationship" was a shallow husk of a thing.

Relationships are fragile, even old ones, and are easily fractured. I think the old ones are the ones that are really worth repairing.

Oh, and just one more thing, I just have to add how impressed I am by your dignity. That's the hardest thing to hold on to under these circumstances, and I reckon you're doing magnificently Smile

abody · 29/06/2012 23:24

I don't think it's hard to believe that he's not been sleeping with this woman, in fact it explains why he still thinks it's 'love'. I also don't believe for a second that they are or ever were in love with each other. Sounds to me like they've been using each other to escape from problems with their marriages - her because she married the wrong person (and frankly she sounds like she has a victim complex and wouldn't be happy in a proper, stable relationship) and him because he couldn't (didn't know how to) handle your depression. If you want to save your marriage, and it sounds like you do, I think you're doing exactly all the right things already. Just gently help him to realise that this emotional affair was not love, and nothing to do with ow the person, but was all about his relationship with you (and perhaps trying to recreate a happier, earlier time in your relationship?) I think you're right to be gentle with eachother. Give each other time & thinking space. I think you're handling this all brilliantly. (But whatever you do do, DON'T blame yourself for any of it!!!)

bleedingheart · 30/06/2012 08:31

Take care Orm, you are so strong, reasonable and dignified.
The 'love' would kill more than sex, so I do understand your reasoning there.

Mama1980 · 30/06/2012 08:41

Just adding support again orm x

GetOrfMoiiLand · 30/06/2012 17:38

I hope your weekend is going OK orm. Thinking of you and hope you are well.

LolaAnn · 30/06/2012 23:56

Just read the whole thread and I am so so, sorry. :( Hope you are okay. You sound like a wonderful, strong woman who is very undeserving of this :( x

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 01/07/2012 10:19

Thankyou.

I want you to know how much all the support has meant to me. Even though it has been painful to read at times. If it wasn't for this place I would never had thought to check his texts. Sometimes trust is also complacency. If I hadn't I am realistic enough to know this 'affair' might well have sprouted up again. As it is , I am fairly confident it won't. As confident as I can be that is. I can't see the future and I'm not a mind-reader.

I looked at his texts again this morning to double-check. There was nothing to her or from her. I know that isn't proof, you can't prove a negative, but it eased my mind a little.

Still taking it a day at a time. Making time and space for each other. I am coming more and more to realise that although he was the one who broke the rules, and he alone is guilty of that stupidity, we were each 50% responsible for letting the marriage fade to the point where it was almost past reprieve. I am seeing more and more that we have both behaved with selfishness and laziness.

He has a lot of rebuilding to do. With the children perhaps even more than me. And some old friendships to work on too.

I am never going to forget hearing him say 'I love her'. It won't go away. And I am not even sure that when we have mended everything, I won't still be hearing it to the extent that I can't be with him anymore. But that's a decision for later and if it comes we will be in a better place to deal with it. Big decisions shouldn't be taken in a hurry or under massive stress. We'll see

xx

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 01/07/2012 10:24

Good luck. It is your life and you need to go what you feel you need to. I tried everything to fix my marriage and sadly it didn't work but I did what I felt I had to do, and went against advice on here.

We are all here for you whatever the outcome. Best wishes and i hope it works out for you.

cocolepew · 01/07/2012 10:28

On a personal level I agree with the way you are handling it. Sometimes things or words are used in haste and anger and it can never been taken back.

Have a nice day x

StealthPolarBear · 01/07/2012 10:30

glad things seem a bit calmer Orm. Hope he's continuing to prove to you that he realises how stupid he's been and how much he stood to lose.
You are fantastic btw, it sounds like you don't think much of yourself. As long as you realise that that is the case