Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

No-one can tell you what to do, you have to make your own decisions afterall you have to live them. I'm glad you can see where passionate advice comes from. None of us know your dh, you do. I don't think your thought process right now is unusual. All I would say is you should go at your own pace, do not be rushed into anything. Things like your friends behaviour will start clicking into place. Examples such as you mention about when he told you to go to the gp yet was giving her counsel will also pop into your head. All totally normally as you try to make sense of what you have found out. Stay in control. Remember that when push came to shove he stayed but tgat doesn't mean that ultimately you cannot ever make the decision to split.

You are coping so amazingly, I really do hope you find some happiness soon.

Morning.

We're getting through it day by day. Day by day. I am still here. He is still here. We are being very gentle with each other. We'll see what happens. He knows there is no chance I will share him in any way.

I am going to try a run today as my foot is much better.

anothermum - I am on 20g of cit currently - since Feb. I know my limitations now.

((orm))

you are an amazing lady. I wanted to share my experience as it is so similar to yours.. we stayed together but things were shit for a while afterwards, I was angry and paranoid, he was aware he had done Bad Things but insistent that the poor girl needed support, he had a responsibility, blah blah blah.. then I made us have a conversation about HIM (not the affair, and I said I would leave if we did not have this conversation) ...about what he was getting from her that he couldn't get from me, about why this lovely caring man couldn't apply the same care to his relationship with his wife, about why (in our case) there seemed to be a pattern of him 'being there' for troubled, usually young, women. Only when he actually thought about, and talked about, his own behaviour and feelings (by this point the OW wasn't the focus), did things start getting honest and better. He realised that he'd been forming similar relationships for years and was able to identify why this was, and change his behaviour.

Orm I wish you the best. You asked upthread for people to respect your decision and I do. You are the only one who can decide what is best for your family.
You sound amazingly strong and insightful.
Keep up the running- its great for sorting thoughts. ((hugs))

Op are you the same Orm that was Ormirian previously?
Sorry, but I don't always pay attention to names.

Hope you are feeling stronger today and OK. x

I hope things work out for you orm....I really do x

Orm, I'm afraid you are not going to be able to move forward here until he has told you the whole truth. I may have missed it in the chain above but it appears he is still claiming not to have slept with this woman. You must know now, surely, that that is a lie. I know you say that that doesn't matter because he has betrayed you by loving her (and in a sense you are right) but you know, deep down, sex does matter to you. How could it not? That's the very reason why sex with the OW is the last thing that a cheat who has been caught will admit to. It may have sounded ridiculous at the time but the rumours of them shagging in the school loo were probably true. After all, all the other rumours have proven to be true. This relationship has been going on for a year and the idea that they started kissing back in January and stopped there for 6 months is simply not credible. Extramarital relationships invariably escalate with each "date" and they will have been having sex for some time.

I know this is not what you want to hear but one of the reasons that things feel so out of control here is that he is still dictating terms 100%. He knows from your reaction to his threat of leaving that you are desperate to keep him and want to believe anything to persuade yourself to forgive him. That is not a criticism - you are like that because you are a loving good person. It is so cruel of him to take advantage of that. He needs to man up and tell you the unvarnished truth - it will be unimaginably painful but you need to know the truth before you can decide whether to make a go of it or kick him out.

After all, if he is still lying to you now, is there really any hope?

"He needs to man up and tell you the unvarnished truth - it will be unimaginably painful" It has been unimaginably painful. I am still reliving the moment when he said 'I love her'. He told me that if he was going to lie he'd have chosen a much less painful truth than what he gave me and he is quite right. To have loved her was the ultimate betrayal. To have shagged her would have just been sordid and a little bit pathetic. So much easier to deal with a man who stuck his dick somewhere it didn't belong than someone who was sharing the stuff in his head and his heart with someone else. I know that no-one much beleives me but there is nothing else he could tell me that devastate me more than what he has already said.

You are being so calm,
If you have other things to worry about about (kids,depression) I wonder if it would be best just to kick him out, fresh clean slate.

but obviously that has to be your decision. I unfortunately agree with the above and other posts I don't buy no sex, for a year.

please get yourself tested.

Do what you think is best for you and your DC and take all the time you need to do it.

Whatever happens remember we are here, we will not judge you, we will not blame you but we will give you a virtual hug and handhold whenever you need.

So at what point should I beleive him? When he says he loves her and hasn't had sex with her? Or should I go on and on until I force him to 'admit' to something that hasn't happened because I don't beleive that it hasn't?

After 20 yrs of marriage and no lies, and 6m of marriage with lies, why should only the 6m count as a testament to his character?

thanks xales - but I am feeling very judged atm

Orm, you are right but he is a man - a man who has cheated. Men (particularly adulterous men) believe that the ultimate betrayal is sex and he will think (despite what you say to the contrary) that it will be worse for you to know that he has given everything to this woman. He thinks that by telling you that he loves her but stopped short of having sex, makes what he has done somehow noble and romantic.

Think of it another way. Why would they not have sex? If he loves her, why not have sex? If having sex matters less than loving someone then why not go all in? For most (faithful) men, the answer is that they respect their wedding vows and do not allow their relationships with other women to go that far. But given that he did, his story doesn't stack up.

You have to decide Orm but until the air is completely clear, both of you are not going to be able to move on. Even if them having sex doesn't matter to you, surely it would still matters to you that he is still lying to you? I would confront him and tell him that you know he has had sex with her and that until you have the truth from him, there is no future. Otherwise you're marking time until it eventually comes out by which time nothing will be salvageable.

(((Orm)))). I think that was a very helpful and perceptive post by changeyname.

No judging here. You must do what you feel is best for you and your family. Also it is still early days. Try and gave a good weekend. This is a bad thing that has happened, but one way or another it will pass and you'll get through it.

And why if they. Genuinely haven't hr sex? As Orm says she's asked for honesty, he's responded and she has chosen to trust that. If she was wrong to do that she will find out eventually. The mistake (if it is) is hers to make. She's not going into it with Er eye closed.

Have a good weekend ffs.

What polar bear said. Don't feel judged om. Om needs to feel she has at least got somewhere to vent in this time. Or if more comes, somewhere she can come and see it clearly, without a told you so.

You are so calm om x

I'm not trying to judge you at all, sorry to seem that way.

but my rents were married for 30 years, mum found out about one affair 12 years in., that was forced out of my dad.
Only to find out 2 years later that it was actually twelve affairs that have happened for years.
so I'm just hoping you din't get lulled into a false sense of security.
And I said get yourself tested because that's one of the reasons sex cheating is a lot worse the possible consequences.

Oh Orm, I really really feel for you. You've had a terrible time of it and I've been through many things similarly, on both sides I'm ashamed to say.

I have absolutely no judgement for you at all and you mustn't think anyone knows better than you about your own life, of course they don't.

The most awful destabilising thing about an affair is an inability to trust again, and particularly to trust your own judgement even. So when that's attacked from any area all over again it's the ultimate pain and humiliation.

What's horrifically painful is also a recognition that one may never know the truth unless the cheater chooses to bare all and the cheater is always in a position of total fear, instability and shame. To minimise what they've done isn't just what they might do, it's what they ALWAYS do. With almost no exception. It makes them feel safe, in control and less ashamed. It's a stage to be got through. Without proof, of course you are stranded and emotionally wrecked with nothing to cling on to. The burden seems to be on you to prove they HAVE rather than him that they HAVEN'T. And since no one but them can truly know.....

But wasn't there a rumour that they were caught at it? Why would that one rumour be made up and untrue?

Look of course there are people who get emotionally close and don't have sex. But I don't think this is the case here. What do I know. Sure. But you can't rebuild a relationship of sand. He has to tell you EVERYTHING or nothing can start again.

Generally recent studies suggest around 85% of male infidelity is never discovered. Think about what the likelihood that this man has fallen in love with someone else and not had sex with them and never been unfaithful with anyone else is and now it's all been discovered and you know it all. Describing 20 years with no lies and 6 months as lies sounds unrealistic. Everyone lies. What he's lies about and when is far more complicated than you can hope to understand right now and you shouldn't feel guilty about that, he should.
I would think very hard about past events, snoop, look at old diaries, receipts, but at the very very least he would have to attend counselling and you should speak to everyone you know who might know something. Often people are desperate to talk in these scenarios but don't feel the spouse wants to hear it.

If you just feel too raw and hurt and like any more information will kill you, that's totally understandable. But you must not look to him for kindness and reassurance at this point. He is the one poisoning you, he cannot be your antidote. It's incredibly difficult after a long marriage but he is the one who has completely broken any trust. You can not be expected to trust him automatically over ANYTHING anymore. And that is his doing. Assuming he is lying is NORMAL. It is fine. It is what his actions have brought about. It is the proper way to respond. The only way he can win that trust back is by telling you everything, cutting her out of his whole life and working tirelessly to win you back. Without that, and you will know soon enough, you will never be safe in this relationship again.

The reason he may be lying about having had sex is nothing to do with sparing your feelings or not, but about the narrative he has written for himself, as an honourable man who has been overwhelmed by emotions.

I know how you feel, I forgave infidelity in my relationship and I don't regret it, but in retrospect I would have done some things differently. Getting the whole truth is about him being honest with himself, about who he is, in order for him to be able to realise the effect he's had on you. While he's still telling himself he's an honourable person, he will have to minimise what he has done to you, or it can't be true.

I'm a long time (mostly) lurker, and you have always, and still do, come across as a really lovely person. It is entirely possible for you and your H to work through this, but don't sell yourself short. He owes you this honesty for both your sakes and you deserve that at the very least.

believe me orm, there are a lot of people who feel the same way re loving someone and having sex with them. I know deep in my heart I would forgive DH for a shag. Falling in love with someone else is the ultimate betrayal to me.

I really hope you can work through this, whatever the outcome.