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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rumours at DH's work

999 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 20:49

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 28/06/2012 14:10

Ahem... female friend 1 rang. THey didn't know but DH had spent so much time when out with male friend 1 and friend 2, texting that they got fed up with him. He was boring and and bad company. I am so going to enjoy telling him that.....

Well they know now

OP posts:
Shouldacouldawoulda · 28/06/2012 14:30

People are seeing your 'D'H for what he is. They must already know how lovely you are so you have no reason to hide away. The more I read, the more I wonder if perhaps you deserve better, someone who gives you the love and attention you need. You've been together a long time and it is a scary thought, especially for one with low self esteem, but you deserve better and if he's not the one to give it to you, perhaps there is someone out there who will.

Iamcalledclaire · 28/06/2012 14:32

This is so sad and so difficult for you.

I suspect and fear this is going to take weeks/months to fully play out with lots of twists and turns to come.

I suspect that he is probably still in contact with her 'checking' on her as this is all so difficult for her. Cos he's so nice and all.

I'm afraid I think you totally need to burst his bubble well and truly, and ask him to leave while you consider if you wish the marriage to continue.

I think he needs to know that if the marriage were to continue he would have to move job, however inconvenient for him, you or the family. That is just another sad consequence of what he has done.

I don't think you should be asking him to do things to reassure you(such as send letters) He should be offering in every conceivable way he can imagine how he can atone and repair. Unfortunately he will only rally start to do this when his full actions and the possible/probable consequences for him become apparent to him. it's human nature.

At the moment he has no real consequences except his broken heart at living without 'his love' while he still tries to play the protector to her, and while he does the 'right' thing and sticks with his wife.

I'd bet he's told her something along the lines of 'even though we can never be together (cos I'm such a decent man and can't leave the wife) I will always love you and be there if you ever need me' etc etc etc. and she will need him and call on him soon and I'll bet his rushes gallantly to her side.

Lastly, why would two adults in love not have sex???? Lets get real.

You'll find over the next few weeks youre stronger than you think, and you can do and face things you thought you couldn't and that you have lots of support and love both in RL and on MN.

lastnerve · 28/06/2012 14:39

Iamcalledclaire,

really good post.

izzyizin · 28/06/2012 15:25

The lid's off and the jungle drums will be beating.

Your h is so far up himself in his obsession with the ow that he's not fit company for anyone else.

'50 year old married man gets caught playing away' In choosing to pander to serve his ego in this particular manner he's shown himself to be just another run of the mill self-serving dick-led twat

We reap what we sow and he's due a harvest of scorn and derision. He's made a laughing stock of himself and left the HT who 'quashed' the previous rumours with egg on their face.

All in all, the stupid twunt's engaged in an exercise in how to alienate his friends and crap on his colleagues while giving no thought whatsoever to the hurt and humiliation he's racking up for his dw and dc.

I suggest you treat him with the contempt he deserves while wearing a saccharine smile of false concern for his wellbeing. And find yourself a rottweiler solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law.

(((hugs))) Orm. This too will pass... and it will pass a lot easier if you metaphorically take the driving seat of a steam roller and flatten the twat.

Jeez, what is it with these sick fucks saddos? Don't they realise how desperate foolish they look to others?

DontmindifIdo · 28/06/2012 15:37

Actually, a lot of affairs don't involve sex, it doesn't mean it's any less of an affair, more that the people involved convince themselves it really is love, because it's not physical, so it can't just be lust/fancying someone different. Those tend to be affairs that are more emotionally charged because those involved have convinced themselves they aren't doing anything wrong for a long time, they haven't really cheated, just fallen for someone else.

That of course, is complete bollocks, and I'd take a man shagging about and being honest about it over 'star crossed lovers' any day.

DontmindifIdo · 28/06/2012 15:42

Also, meant to say, at least you now know that it wasn't that lost of people knew about it and were keeping it from you. I bet once hte word gets out you discover a lot of mutual friends will come to support you.

Badvoc · 28/06/2012 16:10

I suppose I don't think very much of human nature then....my exbil swore with tears in his eyes to my distraught sil that he loved her, but was not in love with her anymore and that he had gotten close to someone at work who was also married but that they hadn't had sex.
He was most emphatic about it.
I didn't believe him.
6 months down the line and after my poor sil twisting herself in knots trying to "make him love her again" he confessed they had been having sex. At every possible opportunity.
She then left him.
A few months later the OW returned to her H and - amazingly!! - he suddenly decided he had made a terrible mistake and still loved sil!!
Thank god sil was seeing someone else by then and didn't fall for it!
Sound familiar Orm? :(

CuriousMama · 28/06/2012 16:23

So sorry to hear this Orm Sad Please look after yourself. It's early days and I'm sorry but I don't trust your dh. I know you know him but do you? He should've been comforting you not her. His energies should have been concentrated on his family. If he was so unhappy why didn't he arrange Relate counselling? At least he could've tried.

I left an unhappy marriage. We get on great as friends but no passion (him) he's never had any. I always suggested getting professional help but he said we didn't need it. Hmm You have to try in this situation especially when dcs are involved. People asked if I felt guilt at leaving I said no because my dcs didn't have a whole mother. They have now.

I hope you can find some clarity. Please take deep breaths. Take your time and really weigh this up once you can see clearer. The numbness will go soon and you never know how you'll feel then?

CuriousMama · 28/06/2012 16:24

Badvoc they usually have had sex but won't admit it.

BabsJansen · 28/06/2012 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/06/2012 17:45

Just seen this - so sorry, Orm.

My instinct is to advise you to ask him to leave. I think that only then will you discover if he is with you because he wants to be or because he hasn't quite got the balls to leave.

If you separate and he chooses not to try and get back with OW, then you have a chance, but as things stand he is not actively choosing you.

PooPooInMyToes · 28/06/2012 19:07

I agree that you should tell him to leave. He won't get how close he is to losing you otherwise.

I would also not believe that he hasn't slept with her. He has no right to expect your trust after what he has done. I would tell him he has to go for std tests as he has broken your trust in a massive way and you have no reason to believe him after all this.

Dprince · 28/06/2012 19:28

Orm you are doing great. You need to do what YOU feel is best. We will all be here to support you. We can give advice and opinions. But you must do what's best for you.
In 10 years you may feel you could have dealt with it better or be 100% happy with choices you are making. However you must do what feels right here and now. That's all you can do, you are doing your best. I think you are handling it very well.

PooPooInMyToes · 28/06/2012 19:43

I meant to add that i would make him go for the tests whether i believed him or not.

stargazy · 28/06/2012 19:51

It's OK Malory.I was one who jumped on your comment re OW. YOU didn't upset me ,but just the thought of her even after all this time and reading about the awful situation OP finds herself in (far worse than mine from how her DH has played this ) brought back all the memories.No hard feelings.

BellaVita · 28/06/2012 20:05

Oh Orm, lovely girl Sad

I will be thinking about you x

MaloryMad · 28/06/2012 20:34

Stargazy no problem. And I'm really sorry you've been through this too. It was late last night when I posted and I was probably too tired because I obv didin't express myself very well seeing as I upset so many people. It's a bit of a sore point for me because I've got a friend (wrote about it earlier in the thread) who absolutely refused to assign any responsibility to her husband for his infidelity. She blamed the OW entirely and just couldn't accept that her husband was 'that sort of man' (her words). It's been a very long road for her because he keeps leaving and she keeps letting him come back. Because it's not his fault, you see. Hmm

pinkpyjamas · 28/06/2012 20:40

Sorry you're going through this, Orm Sad
Lots of great advice on this thread.
Please take care of yourself.
You and the children are the top priorities here.
x

ENormaSnob · 28/06/2012 20:45

Thinking of you orm x

WathsyWathsala · 28/06/2012 20:53

Sorry Orm - hope you are doing okay tonight. This is such a horrible thing to be going through. xx

cocolepew · 28/06/2012 20:59

Orm I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Take care xx

stargazy · 28/06/2012 21:39

No worries Malory!Andbelieve me I heaped plenty of blame on DH's head.But post discovery his behaviour was almost exemplary ,and even then it was months before I was sure staying together was the right thing.
That is why I feel so much for Orm.DH was able to cut all contact with OW and he neither blamed or protected her.Held his hands up and said he was a prat,and to this day does all he can to regain my trust.
Orm you have had your head severely messed with for months.I hope you can eventually find peace of mind.Whatever you decide to do.x

AnotherMumOnHere · 28/06/2012 22:54

OP - please dont take this the wrong way - I have not read all the posts but what I wanted to say was - if you are suffering from depression please do not fight going back on antidepressants. I did for years and I was the loser. Now I just take my meds and life is just fine.

I have the type of depression that will not go away so I just have to settle myself with the fact that I will always have to take some kind of medication - this may not be the case with you though but you may need to take them to get through this rough time. Trying to fight against taking them may just make you worse.

I don't mean to upset you by what I've said, but please seek medical advice and if they advise taking meds please do so, it will benefit you all.

I hope things start to get better for you. xx

carernotasaint · 29/06/2012 01:22

Orm ive only just spotted this thread and am sorry for what you are going through. I hope things get better soon. xx