Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

You are one hell of a classy lady, Orm. Massive respect to you.

I understand where you are coming from - I remember feeling overwhelmed when I had my thread and needed a break from it all.

Once the numbing shock had worn off, I came back on here asking for more advice.

We are here for you. Take care x

Could you/would you talk to the snooker friend and see what they know? Or the other ones who didn't come to the party?

Yes poo. I am going to call her. Bit nervous.

That's good i think. You don't want any lingering doubts thinking others know more about what your husband has been up to then you do.

Sorry that I've upset people with my comment about blaming the OW. I was in no way referring to Orm's handling of this which I think has been incredible. I was referring to a PP who said 'tell him there are women like this' amongst other comments. Like Orm's husband is a helpless person. He isn't. He's a 50 year old man.

I was just saying that by putting all of the blame on the OW, it seems like some are giving the man a get out. Like he was helpless to her charms or something and is blameless.
I've never seen a case where the MM was forced into bed with an OW. Seduced, yes of course, but the man is entirely responsbile for his actions and should be held to account.

Sorry again, I really didn't mean to intend to upset anyone, and definitely not to imply that Orm isn't handling this well, it's just my opinion about holding these cheating men accountable, not letting them off the hook in any way.

Just to echo everyone else: It's your life and your family - nobody else has that responsibility. Nobody can tell you what to do, nobody else has to live with the consequences. You are a brave, kind woman and we are here for you if you need it.

However, I would like you to read your first post again - see how much you believed in your DH even when all the evidence clearly pointed to him being unfaithful - he must have been pretty blatant with the affair for so many rumours to be spreading for so long (and what a horrible situation to put your friends in too - I think he owes them an apology). I shuddered when I read about how the OW was happy to come into your home and act friendly to you whilst the affair was going on behind your back; hoping your DH would leave you and the kids for her. These are not people with your best interest at heart. Please, please take care of yourself, look after yourself - this is your life, you sound lovely and nobody deserves to be abused like that - don't let them do it again.

There may be a day in the future where you will trust your DH again - but it's not now. Please listen to your instinct. He can stay or go - whatever is right for you but you need to put yourself and your health and happiness first now. Treat yourself with the concern and protection you would have for your own daughter.

Anyway Orm, I genuinely hope he proves to you that he's worth it.
Good luck

It is a testament to the high regard your friends have for you that they distanced themselves from your OH over this.

Orm, as I just said in my last post I made some comments last night and apparently didn't express myself very well, as I've upset a few people.
I wasn't referring in any way to your handling of this. I think you have every right to be furious with OW, as well as your husband. In fact I think I said upthread how mad I was at him when he told you to not be angry with her.
You are right to be angry with her. And with him.
I think you're doing right to find out as much as you can from others. I hope you can get the truth as soon as possible.

THanks malory. No problem. FWIW I agree with you about ow-blaming in general,

I too blamed the OW - yes, she had issues of her own but she was a mutual friend, we all had get togethers with our families. She even had an important role at our wedding FFS.

Good luck to you om. Just one thing. YOU don't have to lose friends over anything. Don't isolate yourself completely from support, because of his actions x

Orm, I just want to say I'm so sorry at what you?re going through. Reading your OP ? you believed in him so implicitly. For him to betray that level of trust was beneath contempt. Remember that he is the one who has lost all his dignity, all his right to respect, he has no honour now. He fancied himself as a knight in shining armour for this OW, but he's not the hero of this piece, you are. You gave him your faith completely, without question, and he treated that trust as an opportunity to betray you and lie to you. He didn't understand that for the mother of his children to give him her heart completely was the greatest privilege. All that time when you were suffering, he wasn?t really there for you, but he pretended he was ? how were you supposed to recover from depression when you were having your mind totally fucked by this deception? The cruelty of it, when you were at your most vulnerable.

I?m not going to tell you what to do. But I just wanted to say that whatever you do I wish you strength. And one day your DD will understand ? as I now understand what my DM went through. My father had an affair when she was suffering from PND, and she believed she was going mad until she found out the truth. I didn?t put it all together until much later when I was in my twenties. I still love my father, but I don?t respect him the way I respect my mother. That?s what your (D)H has forfeited, and he won?t get it back.

Thanks Orm. On the friends thing, do you have any friends of your own or are they all mutual friends? (At the end of my marriage all my friends were mutual friends and it did become difficult with some of them). This has touched a nerve with me because I have friends going through very difficult times because he had an affair. We're all in our late 40's and early 50's and have been friends for nearly 25 years. It can be hard to be in the middle of it, especially when you're hearing two different sides. She's taken him back two or three times now and I find it very difficult to be in his company after the way he's behaved, so I prefer to just meet her now for lunch or coffee rather than go out for dinner etc with both of them. You will get through this with your friends, but it's likely that some will fall away just because they can't handle the awkwardness. They will probably return in time, and you can let them back in if you want to.
But there will be other friends who will support you through thick and thin xxx

Malory apologies, very wrong side of bed, you are correct, it does take two and no two situations are the same.

Orm I can understand how you feel, you do whatever is best for yourself and your family, my thoughts are with you at this difficult time. Fwiw I wouldn't tell OW H (no D as he is abusive) either, it would most likely turn the situation into something which could be avoided. I just wondered if he had any incling as you did to the rumour when it first started.

Same as you malory. Most of my own friends aren't local. We have made friends together but DH has loads of 'hello mate' type friends too iykwim. It will be awkward for some.

You really come across as such a class act Orm. How you can be so articulate in the face of such despair beats me.

You have got to do what is best for you at this time - only you can make these decisions. Just know that you have got a load of people (albeit internet strangers) behind you all the way.

That offer to give you DH a kick up the arse still stands, btw.

"well yes, I was depressed! It happens". Not to everyone it doesn't, and to those who don't get depressed in the same way, it is hard to understand and live with. Feeling unable to talk reasonably to someone without them shouting back at you is not a happy place to be. That does not excuse the affair, could be a predisposing factor, but as you saw the GP and got on the cit you were pro-active in getting it sorted out. But you live together and he is expected to deal with your depression without you letting him know at the time how bad it is getting? Communication breakdown? - ultimately the reason why things go wrong. People who don't suffer from depression do need it spelling out, so it does not surprise me he didn't know. He would of known if you told him in plain English, some men are poor mind-readers at best of times.

Your last few sentences in your 9:43 post, Orm, brought me to tears as your raw pain comes through the computer so strongly.

It isn't fair that you should lose friends over this and I would wonder if you could talk to them to make it clear you knew nothing but there is no reason you can't still see them even though DH won't be part of it anymore.

open - you are quite right. I woke him at 4am this morning to ask more questions and that was one of the things we talked about. How he had no idea was having suicidal thoughts - he knew I was depressed and told me to go and see the gp. i got cross at that because I was so determined not to go back on cit. What I needed was someone to take hold and do things for me - to take charge of the mess I was in. But of course he didn't know that. But my depression saw him as simply as someone who wanted the problem (me) to go away and get fixed (ads). At this time he was comforting OW about her own issues.

Your mind must be reeling Orm, depression is horrid especially when you need people around you and don't have the support you need, just one hug/kiss can make all the difference.

I'm sorry if I have missed this but are you on your anti-deps just now ? Your head must be all over the place. Take care.

Just another one briefly delurking to say I've always been a great fan of yours, Orm, and sending you moral support vibes.

Have to say from your old posts your DH always did sound like a bit of a waste of space. But the point was he was your waste of space and you were happy to have him lying around. He is so unbelievably stupid to have trashed that.

Orm, it won't be you that's lost friends. They obviously think your 'D'H is a twat and are avoiding him. They are avoiding you partially by default and also as they don't know what to say to you. Hold your head high, go public and I bet you will have more RL support than you realise.

I agree you aren't going to have actually lost friends, they probably have stepped away because they are your friend and don't want to be two faced of being smiling and happy with you, whilst knowing what's going on - not feeling they could trust themselves not to say something to you. They probably didn't want to be the one to say it to you.

Once you say it's all come out, they probably will be relieved they don't have to worry about should they tell you and they can support you.