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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rumours at DH's work

999 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 20:49

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 27/06/2012 18:29

Orm I've just stumbled across this thread I am so angry with your h on your behalf! I have nothin useful to add to the fantastic advice you've had here I just wanted to add my support. You sound amazing, decent and kind. Stay strong xxx

welliesandpyjamas · 27/06/2012 18:36

Another one who has just seen and read the thread. Orm, you are a well recognised and nice presence on MN, horrible to know you are being put through such a rough time. Stay strong.

JustFabulous · 27/06/2012 18:39

You sound very together Orm, I hope he doesn't bring you any more pain.

morethanpotatoprints · 27/06/2012 19:00

I don't want to sound gloomful but I have experience of this. Believe me if there are rumours something is a foot. I'm not saying your dh even knows its happening tbh, mine didn't. Sounds like a cop out but some men are naive and stupid old farts. He is caring and sounds like this woman has made a bee line for him. You need to talk to him as well as mentioning your insecurities tell him there are women like this, you don't blame him but her. Positive, once I told dh what was happening he was so embarrased and felt like a right wally, he too is very caring. Lots of his colleagues had made comments about an affair, but all the chasing and all I can call it is game playing, was coming from her.

morethanpotatoprints · 27/06/2012 19:03

Sorry looks like I didn't see all the posts, will try and remove.

flatbellyfella · 27/06/2012 19:40

Sending my best wishes for you Orm,I have been impressed with the good advice from all the very caring MN memers since this post started. I truly hope things work out in your favour.

GetOrfMoiiLand · 27/06/2012 19:58

It's so bloody sad that so many people on here have had personal experience of this kind of wankery. All that hurt for fuck all.

BerylStreep · 27/06/2012 22:25

Oh Orm Sad.

I really wonder how much this has had on your depression. You are bound to have known sub-consciously that something wasn't right.

Don't blame yourself.

I agree with others that getting him to send a letter is pointless. I am also inclined to agree that he needs to experience a bit of a jolt in order to appreciate the tenuous position he is in.

At the moment he doesn't sound particularly remorseful, and I am sorry that this may sound tough, but if he doesn't have to fight in order to save your marriage, he will have zero respect for you in the future.

MaloryMad · 27/06/2012 23:32

0ne thing we need to do here is stop blaming the OW for the cheating spouses. It takes TWO to have an affair. These men are not helpless little puppies who have to jump when a woman snaps her fingers.....they are equally culpable.

Orm..please don't make the mistake of blaming HER for all of this. Your husband is as much to blame as she is. He doesn't sound like he's been sorry for the hurt he's caused you. He does sound like he's still infatuated.
Make him work to win you and his family back.

Firepile · 27/06/2012 23:58

This is a horrible, horrible place to be, and I am so sorry that you are going through it. I don't "know" you, but have lurked on a lot of threads that you have posted on over the years, and have a strong sense of you being an honest and insightful person.

Just want to echo those posters who have suggested that your depression might have its roots in your H's behaviour or be worsened by it. I became a neurotic wreck while my H was having his affair(s) - and it was only after he left me that I started the slow process of recognising that it hadn't really been my job or my personality that had made me anxious, but being lied to.

A lot of what you have posted feels similar to how I felt while uncovering the truth about my H's behaviour. I really hope that he turns out to be worthy of you - but whatever happens next, please be confident that you will get through this bit. And be kind to yourself!

MrsJoeDuffy · 28/06/2012 01:02

0ne thing we need to do here is stop blaming the OW for the cheating spouses. It takes TWO to have an affair.

Er, one of the two being the OW presumably.

Thumbwitch · 28/06/2012 01:13

Well exactly, MrsJoe. Orm's DH is currently trying to attach NO blame to the OW which is patently ridiculous, unless he pinned her down and threatened to ruin her career if she didn't have "relations" with him (so unlikely).

She is to blame as much as he is. And Orm should be allowed to feel angry and blameful (not a word but you know what I mean) towards her because she also deserves it.

StealthPolarBear · 28/06/2012 07:19

Mallory I think Orm has been very rational so far (not the right word but ykwim). She is angry with both.
How are you doing Orm? If replies get a bit full on for you tell us to back off. Wed all rather (i believe) you were comfortable posting on this thread for support then feeling you have to justify yourself or that you're doing soething against mn advice.

Leverette · 28/06/2012 07:34

This reply has been deleted

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IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 28/06/2012 07:46

Not much to add but thinking of you and hope you are keeping head above water.

Agree with the advice on GP/counsellor although in the early days its really one step at a time and doing whatever helps you get through it.

Also agree with earlier comments on anxiety. Living with feeling that something is not right is mentally and physically debilitating. I felt much better in the end when everything was out in the open and decisions could be made based on facts rather than fuzz.

lastnerve · 28/06/2012 07:53

Arggh this don't blame the woman shit,

Mallory this woman knew he was married and met his wife on a few occasions and once stayed at the house, although the betrayal is more on her husbands side she is not an innocent in the slightest.
Orm has the right to be angry at both.

stargazy · 28/06/2012 07:59

Malory I still despise OW to this day because she was the one who changed her daily routine to make sure she was around to keep bumping into my DH.She,by own admission initiated the sexually explicit texting because it was 'fun and exciting'.Yes my DH was guilty as hell too,but wasn't OW at least as culpable, if not more so.
What I mean is OP doesn't need to be made to feel guilty about disliking and raging against OW as well as her DH.She is in a turmoil of emotions.
Orm I hope you got some sleep to help you get through another day.Thinking of you.

KnottyLocks · 28/06/2012 08:10

Oh Orm, just seen this Sad

I am so sorry.

Sending a big hug to you.

Tambasher · 28/06/2012 09:03

Re: OW I have/had every reason to blame her as well as my EX, not all cases it's just the stupid male, it takes two, OW played a huge part in my hurt and she knew it and loved/s it and reveled in it, to the point she woud get a bus to the nearest town and send herself hate mail, then phone the police on me. Hmm

IMO most OW know exactly what they are doing, I would never dream of breaking up a family or being part of that.

I too was abused/controlled, I also hade a lot of male attention from a very nice Itailian work colleague but did not go there, as I was "married".

Hope you are okay Orm and blame who you want as long it's not yourself!

danceswithfools · 28/06/2012 09:42

Orm I have nothing to add except that I am sorry this has happened to you. You always come across as such a lovely person, please take care of yourself in all this x

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 28/06/2012 09:43

"that the actions of your DH do not match up to your long-held beliefs about him and his character and your relationship, and that your brain can go into overdrive desperately trying to 'make sense' of that." yy leverette. I go from hearing something he says, beleiving it, then thinking 'is that really true?' Round and round if circles like a stupid hamster on a wheel.

I am trying very very hard not to hate ow. Because I know her, I like her and I feel very sorry for her. But he didn't strap her into a chair and force her to have a relationship with him either. They are both in the wrong but yes, his is the biggest betrayal. She can deal with her conscience re her own marriage - fwiw I would never tell her DH about this, it would dangerous for her and I'm not a vicious bitch. Not even when I try to be .... And I hugged her when she was thinking of leaving her husband, told her we (ha!) would be here for her and offered to have the children while she went and had the conversation with her husband. And when she was organising the class photo for DH's birthday present she sent me very effusive texts saying thanks and even came in for a coffee at one point and I chatted away about DH and the kids. Makes me go cold.

I also have strong suspicions that the 'ending' of the relationship was a attempt to force DH into making a decision to leave me. 'I can't have all of you' was meant to elicit a drum roll, a sounding of trumpets and DH taking her in his arms and saying 'But my darling, yes you can! Let's leave all this behind'. Why? Because I have had a damned good look at the texts again and they were all initiated by her telling him how she missed him and how miserable her life was. They only stopped when he told her I had seen them and they could longer text.

ANyway I gave DH my letter. He agreed and he will draft the letter for her tonight. She isn't in school today.How she responds to that will be interesting. I know it isn't foolproof and I know he could still water it down by what he says to her but for the moment I have chosen to beleive he won't.

Between them they have made a massive change to my marriage without my knowledge or consent. I am furious about that. I am now going to stop them doing so and make sure it's 'official'. Yes DH should have done this but he thinks it was over already and that was enough. It wasn't. I want some say in what happens now.

I think we may have lost some friends over this. A couple we have known for years live in the next town. She knows one of the teachers in DH's school and they are both also friends with someone who knows DH well and who knew 'something' was going on. I had noticed the second friend was being quite snippy with DH now I think of it. Anyway friends 1 went out with friend 2 on the friday before the party and I was asked if DH and I wanted to do. I said we couldn't and the reply was 'OK, see you on Sunday for the party'. They didn't turn up and gave no explanation. Then the husband of the couple told DH he was n't going to see him on Thursdays anymore - long-standing arrangment to play snooker. Thought it was odd. Now I think it makes sense.

THanks so much for all your support and advice, and like getorf I am so sorry so many of you have direct experience. I am going to do what I think best now and try to make it work in my way. Please please respect my autonomy and don't tell me 'you're wrong' or 'do it this way'. Yesterday this thread was breaking my heart even though I know you are all posting out of nothing but love and concern xx

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 28/06/2012 09:51

ried tthththat was the case. You are the best person to know what you need to do. As long as youbknow you deserve respect, love and fidelity.

StealthPolarBear · 28/06/2012 09:53

Sorry that should have said I worried that was the case

IawnCont · 28/06/2012 09:54

Oh Orm, it's so sad.
Nobody on this thread should tell you what to do. It's up to you. It's early days and you don't know what will happen yet, only that you want to try. I think that very few people think that they'd stay after infidelity in a marriage, but the reality of it is different.

The thread has made me think of friend of mine who was in a very similar situation. Her DH is a teacher too, and had an affair with another teacher. She decided that she wanted to try and save the marriage, and, like you, many friends stayed away because of awkwardness about the whole thing. I was of the opinion that I was her friend and was there to support her decisions, even if I didn't agree with them.

Thinking of you a lot.

sternface · 28/06/2012 10:03

You must do what you think is best Orm, but what you think and feel now might be different in a few months time.

The thread has focused on the 'here and now' nature of the crisis and I'm sensing that's where your instincts and interests were too. That's understandable when dealing with a sudden threat. The instinct is to preserve and protect.

I'd urge you though to use this experience as a chance to reflect on what's happened and consider the opportunities it might bring.

Listen to the wise advice about the potential causes of your depression and do challenge yourself about whether this marriage has been meeting all your needs. I'm getting the impression it hasn't, but you've been trying to convince yourself it has, mainly because your husband was such a 'good sort' who would never hurt you.

Don't overlook the opportunity now to give yourself permission to tell the truth - to yourself as much as anyone.