Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

"What a pity he didn't consider that." Quite. In fact they both should have done a bit more thinking first. Gits! Both of them

Oh Orm the fallout of this kind of thing is so crappy. I felt like I was in the eye of a storm as everything around me shifted and changed and felt beyond my control. I agree with you though - it's baton down the hatches time and think about the survival of you, your health, your DCs, your home, and your job and, if it's what you want, your marriage.

You will not feel this unhappy forever - it does pass. In the meantime

I might have missed something - but from previous posts the OW's husband is abuisive isn't he? So may your DH say that he won't be able to send an email/rock the boat or anything incase the OW's husband will see and kick off.

I don't know really what point I am trying to make, but just trying to think if he will make excuses not to send that email.

Oh it is all bloody awful. Like everyone here feel really sorry for you. Am very glad your boss has given you some time off - he sounds great. It would be so difficult to have to go to work and do things with all this in your head all the time.

I hope it goes well tonight. Bloody hell I would like to kick him up the arse.

I shall shut up about that now, Orm because I do understand what you are saying. I just felt it was worth examining how your H will come up smelling of roses and she could potentially lose her job. It's the HT's decision though, so not for you to stress about, of course. His behaviour is shocking in it's potential to ruin so many people's lives, not least his own career and ability to support his family.

Does he understand how much he has risked, for so little ? I really hope he will agree to examine his own permission-giving behaviour with someone who is impartial. Is there work-based counselling, at all ? That is the bare minimum he should be suggesting off his own bat.

Long term, if he stays with you, and he stays in that school, it will come out. So long term, the HT will be angry for being 'played' and your H will be treated with suspicion, new female members of staff will get warned about him, any dispute with in the school, the Head won't automatically take your H's side. Long term, his actions are career limiting at that school unless there's a total change in staff, he's already the staff room gossip.

Don't make decisions on the assumption he can stay there or make allowances to keep him there, it might be another year and he's looking for a new job anyway.

Yes, I'm not sure how the stupid man will hold his head up at that school, tbh. Especially since I don't believe all the fall-out is even nearly over yet. Brace yourself, Orm.

And remember, any decisions you make must be what is best for you and the kids, because if it all still goes tits-up and you have to admit to yourself that you protected him, and hedged his wrongdoing for him, you will hate yourself.

Well. That's a great start :) what an idiot he is eh? Schools are pretty much like hospitals and any other govt run est. Women will go first.

However, all though they could both be done for misconduct. He infact has left himself open to action all by himself as a superior.

Thing is, if she's "forced" out. She'd not only have a potential case of constructive dismissal. But sexual harassment. She was after all the vulnerable junior he took advantage of. They can't actually force her out by law, if they won't with him either......so he's kind of made himself a sitting duck. All for a kiss rescue shag.

Not to mention, mud sticks. He's an easy target now for gossip and wandering hands accusations and snidey gossip. He's undermined his position of authority. They may decide its untenable. After a while.

Cliche

Good for you op.

Orm, I still feel very sick for you. This must feel like the fucking world has ended. I am so sorry x

Orm, you seem like a lovely lady from your posts over the years, hope that things improve for you soon and sorry your H has made you so sad.

Affairs never end with the two people involved, the ripples reach far and wide .

With hindsight, my DH moving in with the ow for those 6 weeks brought about the "wtf am I doing/have I done" to him pretty damn quick, the realisation she was as mad as a box of frogs with many issues (sounds like your ow is the same ), that he was about to lose everything that he held dear including his business and previously good reputation not to mention me and the DCs.

Be brave Orm and make him leave then his actions will tell you all you need to know. To his credit my DH did "get it" fairly quickly and his actions proved it, including going to counselling, solo and joint, him making arrangements for dates including arranging babysitting, allowing me space when needed, explaining to the DCs what he had done (to the older ones) and what he was going to do to make amends to them and me, how he was going to become a better person.

Orm I have just read this and cant usefully add to the wealth of good advice given to you

I do think making him send an email edited by you is futile though

Something on this scale is going to have to end because he wants nothing less. As someone has aready said you cannot make him end it.

I would ask him to pack some things and disappear for a while - unspecified - and give yourself the space and time to scream, cry, rationalise, think, read and generally regroup before doing or saying a single thing more

Its an awful time and I am so sorry you are going through this

hi Orm just wanted to say I hope you are ok.
I do agree with many posters in that he should go for a while. He needs to choose not to go back with her. I really think she will contact him when she knows you have asked him to leave.
But that's my opinion. You must do what you feel is best. We are all here to support you whatever way you deal with this.
Also you are not the booby prize. You are amazing.

Hi Orm, you are being so brave and marvellous even though it's so painful it physically hurts. Take all the RL support you need. This is eerily reminiscent of what happened to me, even down to the needy and dysfunctional OW in a school setting. I can even predict that once the full-force of the awfulness descends upon H, who is still in 'fantasy-land' in his head, that he will have some emotional crisis - after all he's had the public backing of the HT about scurrilous rumour-mongering and the staff have been told off. He'd need to have the hide of a rhino to shrug this off, as both at work and at home he is faced with his infidelity.

Personally, I wouldn't strive to protect H from other's finding out - nothing like exposing the relationship/ow for what it/she is (tawdry) or for what he is (fuckwit) and has risked all for (his lovely wife and family). He has in no way has faced up to what a deceitful, unprincipled moron he's been and why should you be denied the RL support and understanding you need due to the mess that he has caused.

You mentioned dd knowing something of what is up. How old is she Orm? I strived very hard to protect my dcs from it, having these 'discussions' once they were in bed but they knew that something was very wrong.

Orm.

You are being amazingly brave BUT he has to go, even if its only for a while to that friends house that you mentioned.

IMHO I think its the only way that a) you will get some space which you need atm and b) he will start to comprehend what he has done to you and your dc.

I am so very sorry for this situation. He is such an arse...his marriage, his dc, career...all for a younger OW with previous form...sad really, when you think about it...

...and so...cliched isnt it?

Agree with the other posters that an email/letter to OW edited and then sent via you is fairly pointless. I think I understand your need for it to be sent BUT what you really need is for your H to have suggested it, written it and sent it as soon as you found out....sorry.

oh, and please dont refer to yourself as the "booby prize"

Dont let him do that.

You are fucking great, and he is probably realising that sometime about now

I am a bit worried that Orm may still be in a state of denial. She still can't see what a twot her husband is. And she gives him more credit than he deserves.

She said that friend would give him a room, "if he said no", but as many people have advised, it often takes a shock of moving out, to make things really hit home. So I think that getting him out, atleast for a day or so, maybe should done right away, regardless.

Agree Oblomov

I too wish I had insisted exH left immediately, in the phase when I was willing to make a go of our marriage, as he needed to feel the full impact of his affair and what it would mean. The longer H wavers, does not commit fully to you, the more irrevocably damaged the marriage is and it will be you who won't want him back, not because you can't forgive or can't love him, but because the trust and respect you had for him, the bedrock of a strong marriage, will have been forever eroded. You'll despise him.

He needs to find out how much you and the family mean to him - he won't know that until he is apart from you AND facing the financial reality of paying maintenance for the dcs and any shortfall in household expenditure that your salary doesn't meet AND having set access times with the dc not in the family home.

It is easier for us, because we are outsiders. If is so very hard to gain perspective when it is you who is embroiled in the centre of all of it.
If Orm was reading this thread, about someone else, I wonder what she would advise the OP to do.

Ask him to stay at the local B&B/Holiday Inn/etc etc, just for tonight and tomorrow night.

I was in a state of denial for months and months regardless of mounting evidence of Ex P being a total utter wanker. Don't the 5 stages of grief apply here? You begin with denial and then move onto anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance.

I agree breathing space is a good idea - keep your head as clear as possible so you can think and feel. Though hard then because inevitably your DCs will be aware and involved but I guess they will know something is going on anyway. I felt like my life had become a particularly humiliating episode of Jeremy Kyle - time on your own to gain some control back would help. Agree with Valentine excellent advice.

True. It would be only natural for Orm to want to resist making H leave as if he is there they can work on the relationship/spend time together, strengthening their marriage. But only Orm is truly on board with that. H isn't. He's professed 'love' for the self-harming OW; he has no estimation of the value of what he is about to lose. It would almost be a kindness to him to make him leave and face it.

But Orm, you must do what you think is best and we will support you xx

Orm I don't think a letter now from him to the OW is a good idea.

Given that she has allegedly 'ended' the relationship, it's somewhat redundant and it will be obvious that it is a salve to you and not something he has chosen to do off his own back. He will be saying something entirely different to her face-to-face in any case; he sees her every day at work doesn't he? The message he gives her needs to be one that comes from him and although I understand your need to control it, I think you'll regret doing so. Like everything else that happens from now on and has happened already, you can only control your own decisions and behaviour, not his. Don't try to clear up this mess for him.

I hope you will see that in this affair, he has not only deceived you and the children, but also his boss and colleagues. I sincerely hope the HT's messages about this have not involved a rebuttal of the rumours themselves and have merely focused on the unprofessionalism about gossiping about private lives, because otherwise he has let the Head down very seriously indeed. As has the OW, of course. What the Head decides to do when, not if, the truth becomes clear will be up to him or her. But I think he's already lost his reputation and professional respect. Anyway the point is that he has been deceiving more people than you and the children in all this. What a loss of character for a man who always prided himself on being decent and honest eh? I hope he realises the damage he has done to himself too.