Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

I have to agree with the advice about him leaving and going public about this. But only you know Orm whether once that happens, the wounds to your pride and the children's happiness would prevent you giving yourself the permission to take him back. But as far as your relationship with him is concerned, him leaving and the public nature of it is the best thing to do. If he was sorry, wanted forgiveness, wasn't blaming you (I know he says he isn't but his words suggest otherwise), didn't think he loved the OW and had put her straight, then my advice would be different.

Also, if OW gets to know that you have ended the marriage, she will undoubtedly try to resume the relationship. You need to know what he will do when she does that. Him telling her 'No I don't want you, I want Orm and I've got to do everything in my power to get her back' (even if you never do) will give a closure of sorts to everyone in the triangle. And even if she doesn't try to start things up again and is one of those women who gets validated by men making sacrifices for her (but once they do, gets bored) then he will see her with greater clarity than now.

'' Even when a man understands that a rule has been broken and he expects consequences of some sort, he routinely underestimates the extent and range and duration of the reactions to his betrayal. Men may agree that the sex is wrong, but may believe that the lying is a noble effort to protect the family. A man may reason that outside sex is wrong because there is a rule against it, without understanding that his lying establishes an adversarial relationship with his mate and is the greater offense. Men are often surprised at the intensity of their betrayed mate's anger, and then even more surprised when she is willing to take him back. Men rarely appreciate the devastating long-range impact of their infidelities, or even their divorces, on their children.''

From the article linked to.

Agree with sternface.

Definately go public - you have nothing to be ashamed of! Let him face the consequencs of this actions! Because at the moment you are being very very calm and trying to be "nice" and he DOES NOT deserve that from you. He is "getting away with it" IMHO.

My dh's best friend married a woman much like this OW, ended her own marriage, married him...made him completely miserable, so much so he is over a decade later still seeing a therapist. She had an affair and broke up another marriage after that..and for all I know is still doing so...this OW has form for this and your H has fallen for it. Pretty pathetic really, when you think about it.

You (and your dc) deserve so much better.

This is really heartbreaking to read - I am so sorry that this has happened.

I am incensed on your behalf that your DH says you are not allowed to be angry with her. Of course you are - you are 'allowed' to feel what you like. This is devastating, your husband has been gadding around with an idiot half his age - he must realise that this is utterly awful.

He doesn't seem very penitent. Oh dear I am afraid that I agree with houseofpain and sternface's brilliant posts - at the moment he has all the power, he needs the rug pulling out from under him really.

The most worrying thing in this is that you have had mental health issues for some time now, I just worry that his behaviour can't be helping with that. That is so sad to read that you feel he has been distant from you and your kids for some time now. That is so bloody rotten when you feel vulnerable. It makes me wonder though if he has been doing your head in for years.

Orm he is at the beginning of his journey. In his narrative you rejected and drove him away by being angry and unloving (aka depressed) and the tender young damaged woman NEEDED him, he is not going to put it this way to you, of course.

Now he is feeling a bit noble, he has wronged you, he is prepared to "give up" said young woman and work on his marriage like a Decent Man.

He can't feel your pain, it isn't possible for him yet.

It will take a long time for him to begin to understand where you are and what he has truly done.

Please listen to houseofplain.

I know it must feel like it goes against the grain but only loss will make him come to his senses.

As it is he think he is having his cake and eating it.

Take control by telling him you need space and he has to go somewhere else.

Once he realises you mean it and he experiences loss, he will come back begging for forgiveness.

If he has to fight very hard in winning you back, he is less likely to risk repeating history.

Having him around unrepentent, mooning over OW while you try and recover will wreak your own sanity

*thinks

I haven't been in this situation but I do tend to agree with those who are saying that loss is the only thing that will have a real impact on him.
If you allow him to stay in the house, given that he says he still loves her, he's told you that you're not allowed to be angry at her , and you let him stay, he will do this again. He will either continue with her and we'll all be back here in a few months after you've made a fresh discovery, or he'll do it again. Next year. In five years. Whenever.
He must be made to realise what he has done. That's not about punishment. It's making him see reality.

I'm sorry I know it's unhelpful but what an absolutely tossbag he is being

You are a fantastic person, his partner of many years, whose mental health is fragile and yet he has obviously decided you are the big bad wolf who his little pig OW must be protected from.

Someone - probably AF or SGB let's face it - wrote on another thread that SO often people's health problems are caused (or exacerbated) by living with a selfish entitled knob.

*mental health problems

Are you ok om? I know it all flies in the face of your instinct to hang on. But he is treating you so badly. :(

The more I think about this and having re-read the thread, the more I think he originally wanted to leave Orm. She'd ended the relationship on the Monday and the following day, you and he rowed. You seem to have been given (and have taken) the blame for what you've described as a 'rant' but I have my suspicions that this was engineered by him to some extent. Then came the drunken 'I can't make you happy' lament from him the following weekend, that made you fear he was going to leave. I'm sure you were right to have that fear. I think he was going to suggest leaving and was prepared to make this all your fault, for being too demanding and critical. The thing you didn't know then was that he had just been dumped by the woman he'd been having an affair with, allegedly because he wouldn't leave you.

I think he was going to leave, blame you for it - and possible announce to her that he was now 'free' and available to her in his entirety.

The text and affair discovery scuppered all that - and in your shock you might not have thought about the events I've described above and what might have been behind them.

He has been distant from all of use for over a year iirc ... he says that has nothing to do with her. I just thought it was because he was stressed from work etc

Orm, you read this board. You know how the partner expecting to be unfaithful begins distancing himself emotionally, well in advance of the entanglement, so he can tell himself and others that his home relationship wasn't right.

You also know cheaters tend to admit to the least they can get away with :( Usually, that'll be inappropriate closeness and a drunken kiss. I'm sorry, I think your H has done that.

You're being incredibly balanced, Orm. I hope you're giving yourself credit!

I understand your feeling of - flatness, greyness. I've lived almost the identical story: hen night, OW made friends with me, very similar. I understood. I understood so well, the twerp went so far as to suggest OW move in with us

Try not to be that understanding. Put your MN hard hat and boots on. Wishing you well. x

The fact that he is protecting her just screams it aint over to me

I don't know what to say to you Orm. Other than I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think him telling you that he loves her is important though - he's told you that he loves someone else, now it's just a case of hearing that and deciding what to do with that information.

We're all behind you Orm.

Sorry to read about this, Orm. Look after yourself and seek professional help if you think your MH is deteriorating beyond sadness.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP . You do sound as though you are in shock. You are reacting exactly as I did on discovering my EXP affair. I was ridiculously reasonable. In hindsight I should have been screamingly angry. But that came later.

He loves the OW. It ended because SHE dumped him. If she hadn't it would still be going on. If you hadn't read the texts he would have continued to deceive you.

If things continue more or less as they were what were the consequences of DHs behaviour? None. Maybe things a bit awkward at home but he will probably be mourning his lost love so wont struggle too much.

You need to get angry love. Until then I'm furious on your behalf . Sending you strength to get through this x

Orm - I am so sorry you've had this horrible shock. I was "other-worldly" calm initially as well when I first found out about my Ex-P. Be easy on yourself. You may feel surges of nervous energy as well and feel like you need to sort everything NOW! I learnt not to trust any of my reactions in the end and every day it felt like I was discovering another land mine as bits more of the truth came out / slowly dawned on me. Surround yourself with people you love and trust in order to feel safe and looked after.

I saw a therapist who helped me cope enormously with my sense of failure. I felt like I had failed my DS and couldn't trust my own judgement as I was obviously too stupid to spot I was being manipulated and lied to.

Undoubtedly I am looking at this situation through my own experience but I wonder if the comment "don't be angry with OW" is an attempt to distance you from her so that you're not tempted to call her as he's asking you not to see her as "an enemy" . My Ex-P told me all kinds of lies about the OW - saying she was cold / hard / tough / unfeeling / not anyone I should be worried about. When I did finally call -after he went to live with her - I found that she was bright, kind, intelligent and had been told as many lies about me (MH issues, unstable, a liar, manipulative). I just felt my Ex-P relied on the fact that we would never get together and break open the can of worms - his lies - and said all he could to ensure we'd never be tempted to talk to each other.

FWIW - though it was a terrible time of my life I am glad to have lived through it and glad of the understanding about myself it gave me. I know it's too early to start looking on bright side but I wanted you know that good things can come of these experiences.

Someone said treat yourself as though you've been in a trauma and give yourself time - I think that's excellent advice. Be kind to yourself.

Again Orm - I am sorry and hope you're doing OK.

Yes, that he thinks that he loves her is a 'stand alone' offence.

But don't be under any illusion that he does love her. No man who genuinely thinks a woman is in an abusive marriage would further risk her safety and welfare by starting and continuing an affair.

No, what he loves is the belief that she loves him that's all.

But she doesn't.

She's known him for 4 years. Knows you and the children. Knows you are all the bedrock of his happiness and contentment. She can't love him if she helps him to jeopardise all of that.

This is not love. It is no more than infatuation, fantasy and joint-projections.

But he needs to learn all that without the safety blanket of the marriage and genuine love he's risked and squandered.

He could be one of these men who have always loved his wife and when he became attracted to OW, he thinks that it must be love otherwise he wouldn't feel so drawn to her.

but he won't know that unless the affair bubble has been burst and reality hits him. This is another reason why telling him to go is the best option.

Orm you thought it was rumours making you feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride

It wasn't.

It was your H. It was subtle treatment and detachment of your your H towards you and his actual messing around that made you feel like this. He has done this everyday. Seeing her at work whenever they got time together, sweet talking, flirting, lingering glances, kissing (maybe more), texting when he could get away with it before crawling into bed and laying besides you while in love with her.

He has told you he loves her.

He has told you you are not to be angry with her.

His priority is her, protecting her and defending her at your expense. That is what you are worth to him right now. This is what your marriage means to him.

The tears are for himself not you.

Please do consider asking for some time alone to allow yourself to get your head straight with out seeing his smarmy mug every day.

I think Sternface is right about him planning to leave anyway - it was exactly what my DH did. OW put a lot of pressure on him to leave, said he didn't have the balls to do it etc, etc. So DH engineered a massive row from nowhere and upped and left - I just couldn't believe what had happened, none of it made any sense at the time.

I think you probably need to ask him to leave, me and DH were separated for about 3/4 months (lived with his parents) whilst we worked on the relationship. I remember him sitting in an armchair looking very smug and pleased with himself, I saw red and just said "you are no prize to be won, you are only sitting there because I am trying to salvage something from the shit you have created for the DCs sake!" (our DCs were extremely traumatised from when he upped and left for OW). Those words from me wiped the self entitled, arrogant look off his face.

The other thing I pointed out was the fact the OW was really no friend to him, what true friend helps destroy your marriage, break up your family and your DCs security?

This is so difficult, big e-hugs over here.

You must feel torn because you don't want to believe it and if it turns out to be just a nasty rumour you'll be the wife who didn't believe/defend him.

But also you don't want to be taken for a ride and humiliated by him/colleagues? Have you actually spoke to the supposed OW?.