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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rumours at DH's work

999 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 20:49

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 27/06/2012 10:43

You also want him to take his share of the blame. If he doesnt, he'll do it again.

He won't say that to you, as he knows it hasn't cost him his marriage or kids doesn't he? He knows it would never have come to that.

So that's why he continues to put her first, because he can :(

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 27/06/2012 10:48

So what do I say and do? I don't want him to go. I do want him to do more than absorb all my rage and look sad and tell me he's sorry. I want some clear and definitive evidence that this has stopped completely and that it won't resume. I want him to tell me that he doesn't love her any more. But he can't.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 27/06/2012 10:49

Just seen this.

Oh Orm Sad

mummytime · 27/06/2012 10:53

One thing that various threads here have shown is that often a wife's mental health gets a lot better when her "D"H is gone. It could well be that his behaviour is damaging your mental health.

You are not the failure. The gossip at school is not aimed at making you feel awful but at criticising them.

You need to start taking baby steps to decide your own future. Have you been to see your GP? That might be a good starting point. Then start to take control, do things like sort out finances and so on. Try to slowly become independent of him. He should be begging you for forgiveness, not telling you who you can and can't be angry with.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 27/06/2012 10:54

Funny really. He has never actually asked me to forgive him.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 27/06/2012 10:56

Honestly? For your own sanity? I'd say he has to go temporarily.

See he knows you haven't become lost to him, he knows you want him to stay, he knows he can get away with it, he knows he has the power, he hasn't lost anything. He's having a right old time. He's got his wife who wants him come what may and his 25 year old bit on the side he can continue to love and protect.

You aren't going to get what you want from him, because he doesn't have to do it, he dosent have to change. He knows he's got you anyway.

He loves her. He is continuing to put her first. You can't move on like that. It's one sided. It will literally drive you crazy. He is doing it because he can. He loves her, he won't lose his family so why not?

He's got no kncentive, to do what you want. He's got no incentive to change, to give her up, to give up the rescue role, to address why he's done it. Which is why, he's still putting her first, you can't say it's over, it's not. Then it will always be someone else if he does not address it.

I really fear for you om, I think you ate fighting a losing and emotionally draining battle currently.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 27/06/2012 10:58

house - can I show him your last post? Hmm It seems to say all that I am fearing atm.

OP posts:
GoOnTim · 27/06/2012 10:59

Orm please listen to the fantastic advice from sternface and anyfucker. They are so much wiser than I am.

So so so sorry for you love.

Houseofplain · 27/06/2012 10:59

Ofc you can. :) if you think it would help.

sternface · 27/06/2012 10:59

I agree that the affair's start date coincided with his distancing from all of you. At best he's deluding himself and at worst he's lying if he thinks otherwise. Her wedding probably gave this relationship a 'safety factor' that it didn't deserve, both for him and for you. I'm guessing this wedding was before school broke up last July, or was right at the beginning of the hols. As so many people have said, affairs start long before anything tangible has happened. I'm guessing this started with supportive chats about her neanderthal fiance and gradually more boundaries were broken.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 27/06/2012 11:03

I would just say though, that if you show hm House's post he may read it as "I want you come what may" and actually increase his sense of security.

I know you want to pour out your feelings and concerns but he's not a safe place for that at the moment :(

But yes exactly to him having everything where he wants it. He needs to feel the fear of losing what he has. How would he like to live in a poxy bedsit or flatshare again, eating ready meals, after 20 years of comfortable family life?

Houseofplain · 27/06/2012 11:06

That's true.

sternface · 27/06/2012 11:09

What do you say and do?

The most sensible advice is what House says. He needs to believe he has lost his marriage. He needs to see and feel the consequences of that. It's the quickest and most effective way of bringing this situation to a head and some resolution.

If you can't bring yourself to do that, you need to tell him that it doesn't matter whether he wants to stay in his marriage or not, you are not sure that it's sensible to continue or that you'll ever forgive him or respect him again. Which is a loss he isn't reckoning with right now. He thinks because you're scared and have instinctively hung on to him, he hasn't lost anything.

But he has and needs to see that very clearly. He's lost some things he will never get back.

Triffiddealer · 27/06/2012 11:13

Orm Sad

You know in cases like this, where the man obviously still has feelings for OW and has been found out, and the DW is left heartbroken trying to piece her world back together, I always think a separation is for the best.

This doesn't have to be permanent (unless you want it), but it puts you back in control and makes your DH face up to what he's done. It gives you time and space to decide if you want to continue with the relationship and go to counselling etc. It gives you power back and stops you feeling like a victim.

The alternative (if you want him to stay) is that you take him back and he never fully understands the pain that he's caused or the consequences. You will get more and more depressed (because he has treated you appallingly) and unhappy. You will never trust him again. He will go back to 'normal'.

Your daughter may not have heard anything - she may just be able to see how devastated you are. She loves you. As for your Mum - I had a difficult relationship with my Mum in lots of ways, and I didn't tell her when I found out about H's affair - she was also very anxious, so I didn't want to worry her. When I eventually told her, she was so relieved because she could see what a state I was in and thought I had cancer! So it's your call - but people will see the pain all over your face.

What ever you do, it's your life and we're all here for you. So sorry that your DH has acted like such a selfish, hurtful twat. Time to put yourself first Orm.

porridgelover · 27/06/2012 11:13

Orm...if you can at all you need to start taking the power back.
It will be at odds with what you feel.

But it seems to me that he needs to leave asap...on the understanding that you are deciding for you and the DC what is best for the future. You can of course tell him that you are there to be fought for. But that a lack of concrete action on his part to repair the damage will be tantamount to him admitting that he wants no more to do with you.

porridgelover · 27/06/2012 11:15

Of course, when he leaves if he in any way contacts/ spends time with/ shacks up with OW then thats your answer.
And he needs to know this.
Regardless of all your wonderful history, he has to know that you and DC are the gold medal that he has to go out and win.
And he is not in pole position either

Badvoc · 27/06/2012 11:15

Oh Orm :(

What a pair of despicable excuses for people they are :(

IMHO I dont think he is sorry at all...I think he is very sorry you found out though.

You arent "allowed" to be angry with her? Why is he protecting her???

This is not good, orm. I am so so sorry.

PLEASE listen to stern and AF.

sternface · 27/06/2012 11:17

Orm another thing to consider. You're obviously a regular poster and it sounds like there have been other threads about your marriage. Might be worth re-reading some of these from the last couple of years because they'll be like diary entries - dated too!

SundaeGirl · 27/06/2012 11:17

Ask him to leave.

It doesn't sound as though he's properly assessed the risks he's taken with his family, his reputation, his career - everything. He needs to stare down the barrel of what he's done and what he's continuing to do.

Having to start living away from the family home, having to begin to confess that to people and start having the awkward passing conversations with acquaintances about you/life ('so what are you and Orm up to this evening?' type) will start bringing home what he's done. And because he's not used to being fully responsible for his actions, in that uncomfortable feeling you can bet he'll also start blaming the OW for having a part in making him feel like that. No contact/minimal contact from you should increase his sense of the bomb dropping and maybe he'll start to look clearly at what's gone on.

If you want him back, ask him to leave. If you don't want him back, ask him to leave.

Badvoc · 27/06/2012 11:20

Orm...he has said he loves another woman who he has been having an affair with.

You arent allowed to blame her at all.

He hasnt asked your forgiveness.

Darling...you need to realise he isnt what you thought he was. And probably never was. I know thats hard to accept and even harder not to blame yourself in some way (my husband had an affair so its obv my fault, right?? Hmm)

Mentally he has already gone from your marriage. What is the point of him physically staying any longer? To cause you more pain and anguish?

Let him go and live with his parents/siblings/friends/get a bedsit. Let him have the time to think about what he has done.

If he goes to her then you have your answer sweetheart x

Sassybeast · 27/06/2012 11:21

He needs to go. how dare he tell you not to be angry with her. How dare he ?

He needs to understand that he may have lost you, and lost the relationship that he has with his children as it stands at the minute. He has made some stupid selfish choices and HE needs to wake up to the reality of that Angry

Thumbwitch · 27/06/2012 11:23

Very sorry to read this Orm.
I hope that he can actually man up and stick to his word, to stay with you properly and give up this OW.
To be honest though, his refusal to allow you to blame her in any way is a touch dubious - he is still protecting her. That has to stop.

Malificence · 27/06/2012 11:24

Oh god Orm, I'm so sorry, I vaguley remember your thread last year, was it about a barbeque or similar? the alarm bells were well and truly ringing then and I really hoped it wasn't going to play out the way I suspected it was.

Your DH sounded very similar to mine, gets on well with women, is always a shoulder to cry on, hugely sociable etc. I can well believe you never thought in a million years that he would do this.

It sounds like he's protecting this woman, when all he should care about is saving your relationship and giving you what you need. I can imagine the pain and confusion you are feeling right now, you must be reeling from the shock.
Take care of yourself and don't be bulldozed into making hasty decisions by him - he's created this mess, he's failed - it's up to you now to decide if you want to continue in this marriage, make sure he understands that.

SundaeGirl · 27/06/2012 11:25

I know this is unconventional advice but it worked for me when I went through a nasty split:

Don't tell him what you are feeling. Don't talk about what happened or refer to it in any way. Do not let him into your emotions or see that it has had an effect on you. Do all you 'feeling' behind closed doors. Obviously this is easier if he's not there.

I'm not a fan of 'talking it out' or having conversations about how each side feels. People who cheat often convince themselves they are above their partner and as such may believe they can talk them round. Actions, not words are needed. Words can give him power over you.

WowOoo · 27/06/2012 11:31

It's very big of him to say don't blame her it was all my fault.

He's defending and trying to protect her.

I would be very bloody angry with her. Of course it's 50% her fault.

You are a better person than me. I've only just read this and feel so cross and sad on your behalf. Life is out there though.

At start of thread motherinferior said 'You're gorgeous. Fuck 'em' Smile Remember this and take care.