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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rumours at DH's work

999 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 20:49

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

OP posts:
sternface · 27/06/2012 10:08

Orm, given that there were rumours long before January and they were already friends and colleagues, what change in their relationship does he attribute as happening in January?

fluffyraggies · 27/06/2012 10:10

Oh orm. Following this with such sadness for you. Hold on there.

Well done for getting to work, it can be a distraction when you feel home life is falling apart :( Perhaps you should tell them that you are struggling though. Don't build up too much of a fascard that everything is hunky dory, in case you need to just stop.

You're NOT a failure. Your stupid DH has failed you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 27/06/2012 10:15

stern - that is what I din't understand. He is being a bit vague - might have been first time they admitted to each other how they felt, first kiss. Who knows? There are a lot more things I need to ask him. I've warned that the next few months are going to be pretty rough and is he prepared to stick around when all the shit flies - if he isn't he can fuck off right now! He says he is. I don't know.

I want to confront her too. But I can't and won't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 27/06/2012 10:18

Oh and I'm not allowed to be angry with her according to DH Angry Why the fuck not? It takes two. She had an affair with a married man when she was very young and trashed that marriage. She said to DH that she didn't want to destroy another one...which begs the question why were you messing about with someone else's husband.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 27/06/2012 10:24

You are allowed to be angry with her, he is being rediculous to not see that being angry at her doesn't mean you're not blaming him.

I would suggest the rumours started before they were having an affair because others saw them flirting and 'sounding each other out' and assumed that was them having an affair. IME most people stop (or at least reduce) public flirting once the affair starts as it is once they've kissed/admitted feelings/crossed the line that they realise that's not acceptable - before it's 'innocent fun' so not as important to hide.

sternface · 27/06/2012 10:27

He might be vague because he knows it started before then. Look out for more vagueness like this i.e. 'it was around January time' or 'I can't really remember when' etc. Bizarre as it sounds, he probably doesn't want to lie to you directly, but will permit himself some 'vagueness' and definitely, lies of omission.

If you're going to confront her (and there's no reason why you shouldn't - she also lied to you and deceived you) now's not the time. You need to be in a stronger place and you need to know far more about what happened before you speak to her.

AThingInYourLife · 27/06/2012 10:27

"Oh and I'm not allowed to be angry with her according to DH"

Shock

So she's still his priority?

Nice.

Sorry for all you're going through. You always seem so decent and sensible. He has turned all your good qualities against you.

The fucker Angry

MadAboutHotChoc · 27/06/2012 10:28

How he couldn't know what I was going through I don't know.

He probably didn't know because by then he was already detached from you - they do this in order to create emotional space for OW. Often affairs begin before the first kiss and start in their heads followed by flirting, shared confidences etc.

Poledra · 27/06/2012 10:28

Oh Orm Sad. I'm so sorry.

And your H does not get to tell you how you may or may not feel - if you're angry at her, then you're angry at her. Or is he still keeping on the 'knight in shining armour' role for her, protecting her?

Houseofplain · 27/06/2012 10:28

I'm sorry om, amd hugs to your dd.

I know you are not ready to hear this. But I think you are going to have a fight on your hands. This man and woman have been lying to you for a year. He put himself and her before you. He'd rather you were uncomfortable and upset with rumours, he dismissed with you. Than give up ow.

He is STILL putting her first, by telling YOU how you should feel. I'm sorry but who the fuck does he think he is telling you how to feel? As it stands at the moment, he's still got his home and family. He hasn't lost you, so he's got no reason to change or reconsider.

He is still very much putting her needs first, and still very much in the role of protector and knight in shining armour. Telling you, you must not be angry with her. You are going to be hitting your head against a brick wall whilst he still is of this mindset x you know that don't you? :(

sternface · 27/06/2012 10:30

When did they first start working together orm?

MadAboutHotChoc · 27/06/2012 10:31

The fact that he is so vague about timings suggest that he does not want to admit that it started long before January....

I agree that he seems to be putting OW's feelings first Hmm

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 27/06/2012 10:32

IIRC he started at the school 4 years ago.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/06/2012 10:32

Of course you are allowed to be angry with her too!

Ask him why he is putting her ahead of you in that respect. He is not in a bloody story where he is nobly torn between two women Hmm What planet is he on?

Orm - I fear that he is so very sure of you. He should be on his knees begging you not to kick him out, and instead he is trying to dictate what you should be thinking and feeling. Not on, not on at all.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 27/06/2012 10:33

ali - problem is he saw what a mess I was when I thought he was leaving on Monday. How could he not know he has all the power. Bastard!

OP posts:
sternface · 27/06/2012 10:33

And she was already working there when he started?

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 27/06/2012 10:34

Yes.

OP posts:
sternface · 27/06/2012 10:36

Can you remember when they became friends rather than just colleagues?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/06/2012 10:38

Of course you were in a mess - even if a part of you had wanted him to go you would have been in a mess.

If there is any doubt in your mind that you will let him stay, then I would share that with him.

Houseofplain · 27/06/2012 10:39

Orm. Thats the thing though. He is showing that he knows he has all the power. You have to drag that back for it to work.

I'm not saying leave the bastard at all. But for it to work, he needs to know what he's lost. Then address his own shortcomings. He won't as you say, he knows he has all the power.

Currently he still sees himself as her protector, he still is putting her well being before yours, as he has been doing for sometime.

Unless he gets a wake up call, and addresses his own short comings. He will either just carry it on, never really making it up to you. Or it will soon be someone else to rescue. You can't do it by yourself sweetie xx

DontmindifIdo · 27/06/2012 10:39

He needs to move jobs. If it's a massive upheaval for your family and/or takes time, then tough, he has to be prepared to never speak to her again, or see her, or bump into her. She needs to be cut out completely.

If he's still in love with her then that will be hard. If he loves you, then he would be prepared to do it.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 27/06/2012 10:39

Nope. I was just aware of a whole crowd of young women that all seemed to be good mates and DH fitted right in and lapped up all the attention Hmm I can't honestly remember when he started talking about her more but it seemed to increase. But it was always about 'poor T, her husband is such a bastard' etc blah blah blah. So I didn't feel I could say anything negative. He has been distant from all of use for over a year iirc - I remember last summer holidays he was simply 'not there' with us. But he says that has nothing to do with her. I just thought it was because he was stressed from work etc and I blamed myself for being difficult and the kids for being kids.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 27/06/2012 10:41

"problem is he saw what a mess I was when I thought he was leaving on Monday."

And then he decided to stay.

Now he gets to be the knight in shining armour to both of you Hmm

All this drama focused on him - I bet he's loving it.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 27/06/2012 10:41

I want him to blame her. I want him to say 'she and I together nearly cost me my marriage and kids'. I don't want him to just absorb all my pain and anger and carry on protecting her.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 27/06/2012 10:41

That's when it started, just before then. That was him pulling away from his family, to justify it. Coincides with the rumours too...