Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

You right only time will tell if it actually did back fire.
Hope your ok today,orm.
can I ask did she leave her husband? And I hate to ask as I don't like to doubt anyone who claims abuse but do you actually know if her dh is abusive? Or has she lied to appeal to your dhs 'protective' side?
I am asking because if she has lied about these, then I am pretty sure that she called if off in an attempt to push your dh into leaving.
I know you no longer want to think about her but she seems (if I am right) very manipulative. I am not taking any blame from dh, I am just wondering if she will try something else now it is out in the open.

I feel rough! I need time off but don't know what to tell my boss. Lie? Say I'm I'll? Truth? Oh god mum and dad are coming over this acternoon to pick up kids and take dd riding. Mum will ask what's wrong. She can't know.

Depends on how sympathetic your boss will be. Otherwise its d&v.
You can tell your mum the same, or tell her the truth? How are you this morning?

I trust my boss enough that if i told i needed sometime because of this, she wouldn't let anyone else know the reason. So i would be honest. but do you think you can tryst people at work not to spread gossip?
In regards to your parents, its up to you. If you don't want to tell them, say you are ill. If you do want to tell them, then go ahead.
Can i ask why they can't know? Is it for you or him?

How did it go when he came back from the pub I mean?
And are you happy with this level of mn involvement? A little while ago you asked us to back off, but people mean well and want to help, just wanted to check you don't feel you can 'drop' this thread though you want to?

Dprince - I don't know if he really is like that. She says so, everyone says so but no-one has actually witnessed it. She has marks on her wrist from self-harm and dh shopped her doing it again apparently by taking her blades away when she wouldn't let anyone else take them.

There is no doubt she is damaged and bad stuff happened to her but yes I think she is adept at making the situation work for her.

Lots of talking stealth. More remorse. More very intrusive questions fro me. More of me being angry and shocked. Tears from both of us. Same old.

Oh and I had to nitty gritty ds1's hair

Level of mm involvement if fine. When I didn't know I didn't want anymore because speculation was painful Nd confusing. One it is helping. It's like it's not my problem but someone else's.

This article may help you understand a bit - WWIFN posted it on a thread I was on 3 yrs ago. The Beyondaffairs website was also extremely useful to me on discovery when I had so many questions and no real answers IYSWIM.

Be very kind to yourself - you will feel like you have been hit by a bus, everything will seem a little unreal.

Sounds like it was tough :( does he even realise what he has done, there are two issues for me, Tje affair, as it is, and the sharing of details of your marriage, with.you the last to know

What worries me is he only told you because you found the text
he says it is over because she ended it, he says he wont text her again but you cant be sure as Texts are easy to remove from a phone, I know you know him and I don't but I would not trust him any further then I could throw him.

As for her she sounds a sad case, but making bad choices and going from bad to abusive does not give her the right to move in on your or anyone else's husband

Orm, don't hesitate to take time off work if you need to. I ended up being signed off work for a month from the day of discovery and then three months later I was off for a further six weeks when the real story finally came out. The sick notes said anxiety but might as well have said broken heart secondary to being fucked over by a pair of scumbags. Take as much time as you need. Then take another fortnight. And don't feel guilty for even a second.

I understand you wanting to keep it from your parents.I did that but as Dprince says is it for you or him?
Realize now I did it to protect him and the image of our marriage, also with in- laws who had been been so upset at his sisters protracted divorce,and perceived us as the sensible solid ones.Plus they were all very elderly.

And because prior to that my DH had been good,decent and a great DH and dad.And in all fairness told me to talk to whoever I wanted as the whole thing was his stupid fault.But I felt OW had played him like a fiddle,and still do.So was 'loyal' to him IYSWIM.
But oh how often I longed for a hug from my mum.On bad days I stayed away from the parents or blamed feeling run down for being quiet and distracted.
BUT I did talk to a few RL friends and that was so essential.
Guess what I'm saying is you do and react exactly how you want to.If you feel it's just too much to keep it from you mum don't protect him.Protect yourself.

It's not for his sake, it's for theirs. They don't want to think I'm unhappy. I don't got to my mum for hugs like that. I love her but I never rely on her emotionally - she isn't that stable herself.

And for mine. I don't want everyone to know what a fucking failure I am

Can't face lying to work. Can't bear to tell the truth. And then the kids would want to know why I wasn't working. THey are already treating me like china - they need everything else the same.

You are not a failure. This is not your fault.

counting - article is spot on. Second 'type' sounds just right. Twat!

You are NOT a failure!

" I told him I was glad I'd found the texts he said he wished I hadn't because the relationship had ended anyway and finding out had just caused me pain"....

I dont think that is true. My (50 year old h) said the same to me. What they actually mean is that he is sorry you found out because it is causing him pain, not to mention embarrassment. And yes, his young women (plenty of them, but net based) were ridiculously young too.

How sad they turn into such cliches in middle age, whoever they were before.

Yes Fiveandthree this comment about texts leapt off page to me.
My DH said he was glad hers had found texts and woken him up big time.That was another reason I didn't kick him out and proteceted him to a certain extent.
Didn't mean to sound critical about not telling your mum.I did same for very similar reasons.Mum nursing very frail,sick dad at time and didn't want to add to her woes.On balance still glad she never knew and won't .
But you are NOT a failure.You are strong,amazing and dignified and deserve massive respect and LOTS of hard work from your DH from now on, and don't accept any less.x

Good to hear from you this morning Orm.

You might find a few half-truths helpful WRT work, parents and children.

At work, (whether you go or not) you can say that there's a bit of a crisis at home that you'd rather not talk about just yet, but you need some time/some slack cut. With your parents, I'd call off their visit or ask them to keep it contained to the riding lesson because there's stuff going on at your husband's work that he needs to thrash out with you. If the GPs can take the kids back to their place or stay long enough for you two to have the length of conversation you need, then better still. The kids can be told that their dad is having some problems at work but his job is safe.

We can all tell you till we're blue in the face that this is not your failure (and I'll join that), but you only have to see the attitudes sometimes expressed on Mumsnet to know that some people do see it in those terms, either through naivety about human relationships or because it suits them to think that. So while you sound like a supremely intelligent, rational woman who knows that no-one can control the behaviour of someone else, I understand why you feel that way, have those fears and why you're therefore reluctant to tell others.

Just do enough to get yourself the support and space that you need, while hanging on to the 'normality' that you need in order not to dissemble.

Fucking hell, Orm, have only seen this. Was that what your "odd text?" thread was about? Must have been. (I was wittering on about Gove and vampires.)

You must still be spinning. You are not, absolutely not, a fucking failure.

BTW, good to see Frank Pittman's work on this thread in that article from Psychology Today. He really knows his stuff about infidelity and he describes Mid-Life Crisis affairs very well. Agree with your assessment of where your husband's affair 'fits' in that article and very glad to see the point made that affairs like this happen more frequently in strong marriages than bad ones. Quite rightly, the onus is put on the people having the affair and their behaviour, no-one else's.

I don't have any good advice orm, but just wanted to say that I think you're being really strong.

I've had a relationship with a similar sort of man (gets friendly with other women, it can be interpreted as flirting sort of thing) where eventually I realised that all of my reasonable responses were just leading him to put me to one side in his considerations. For example, if a female friend were upset about something and I were also upset about something, he'd see to her first and me second. Always, always me second. When challenged he'd say that I was the most important person in his world, but in practice? ........Right.

The final straw for me was when I'd pleaded with him to stop texting one 'friend' in particular (v. much an emotional affair, although I didn't realise it at the time) and he kept saying he couldn't 'cos she needed him. I ended up making the heart-wrenching decision to break up with him (we were engaged). As soon as I told him of that decision (and I don't change my mind easily) he immediately told me that it was over, he'd dumped her, it was suddenly all about me. If only he'd said that before I issued what he saw as an ultimatum, I might have believed it

Basically what I am saying is that IME, men like this always want to be needed by someone. Preferably a woman, preferably young, preferably someone they can be a knight in shining armour to. And another one will be along in a minute.

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation orm - I don't want to make you feel worse but I'd be wary of history repeating itself if I were you.

Unmumsnetty hugs xx

This rescuer role is one that is well described by Glass and other infidelity experts.

Cheaters in this role (as well as in other types of affairs) have particular hang ups and vulnerabilities.

This is why the affair is not your fault- there was nothing you could have done to prevent it from happening.

I'm in work. I'm finding it easy because I am busy and people here treat me with respect. I can stop thinking about it when I'm busy.

I have been looking back over my own behaviour the last few weeks. I couldn't bear to have an empty mind - I downloaded podcasts on to my phone and listened to them while dog walking because I couldn't bear the silence. I love solitude normally. Had to be doing something constantly. I knew something was really really wrong.

I have also just realised that this 'affair 'started at the very moment my depression reach it's crisis and i found myself up on the mway bridge thinking about jumping off. I went back to GP and started cit again. I told DH this last night and he said 'How was I to know? Every time I spoke to you you shouted at me' - well yes, I was depressed! It happens. How he couldn't know what I was going through I don't know. I've been there before. I was so angry I said 'Perhaps I should have found some razor blades then you'd have taken me seriously'. Nasty. I am struggling to remain reasonable.

I think DD must have overheard something She was following me around like a little lost dog this morning and kept trying to say something and then chickening out. In the end I just gave her a big hug and told her that it was all alright. What else can I do?