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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rumours at DH's work

999 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 23/06/2012 20:49

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 26/06/2012 21:55

Counting, I've just read your post and think I've cross-posted with you.

Badvoc · 26/06/2012 21:56

It's just such shitty behaviour....I am really sorry orm.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 26/06/2012 21:56

Too late with the nice hot drink. Have had half a bottle of nice cold pinot grigio and some olives and I have a headache.

Have sent him texts. He is grovelling. I want to hit someone.

Bath and tea now.

OP posts:
ginhag · 26/06/2012 21:59

Oh orm I'm really sorry. My heart goes out to you love x

Dprince · 26/06/2012 22:00

I agree with stern. She tried to issue an ultimatum and it back fired.
Orm, you are in shock. Just go with whatever you feel at each moment. I am so sorry. Whatever you decide there will be support here.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 26/06/2012 22:02

I guess it could be an ultimatum. Hope so. Cos she fucked up.

OP posts:
Maryz · 26/06/2012 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 26/06/2012 22:03

did it backfire though ?

this OW has succeeded in one goal (if that is what she had)...it's now in the open

how much of it Orm's H is prepared to bring into the open, at least Sad

clam · 26/06/2012 22:03

So where is he then? Not at home? Or downstairs and you upstairs, hence the "I'm not traipsing all the way down there" texts.

AnyFucker · 26/06/2012 22:04

be careful, Orm

don't go down the route of thinking you were in competition with her, and that you have won the "prize"

Houseofplain · 26/06/2012 22:05

I wouldn't necessarily say it had backfired yet. :( everything is so raw and so fresh.

If it all comes out that's it's all in the open, who's to say she won't welcome with open legs arms, saying oh its all out now, we can be together, and he goes a running as its lurrrrve.

That's horrible op, but it's why I think it would be very, very wise, to be wary of both of their intentions for the foreseeable :(

Houseofplain · 26/06/2012 22:05

Ohhh xposts big time with af. Sorry.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 26/06/2012 22:06

He's in the pub. Which isn't as bad as it sounds. DS1 has a job sticking up skittles on tuesday. I won't let him go on his own so DH goes too. Not DS's fault his dad is a twat.

OP posts:
stargazy · 26/06/2012 22:09

Ditto what Animosity says .I was too reasonable too soon.Now realise I was in shock.Came totally out of the blue.
Held it all together for family,sake of my business not being disrupted, not upsetting elderly parents.Months later all that repressed anger took it's toll and almost made me ill.
So after you hopefully get some rest regroup yourself and behave however YOU want.This all about looking after you,not him.

porridgelover · 26/06/2012 22:13

Orm... I am sorry that this has been the outcome for you.
As others have said, I think you are in the shock stage and the angry bit will come in time.
Also, dont allow yourself to be a pawn in their game- whether or not it is still going on.
From now on, this marriage is over and whether he and you can build a new one is up to you only. Not his decision to make. Tough for him. Her- she has to butt out, there is no space for her in this decision that you will make for your family.

drasticpark · 26/06/2012 22:13

Orm, take as much strength from anywhere you can. This hurts like nothing else. But take some comfort from the sure knowledge that he alone has to live with himself forever. Whereas you have a choice. Believe it or not but you have a great deal of strength and power.

ReportMeNow · 26/06/2012 22:14

You are probably numb because even though the processing, logical part had worked it out, the rest of you desperately didn't want it to be true because it's a massive imploding shell into your and your dcs' lives. And numb too because you don't want to examine H too closely, to lay him bare as then you'll have to confront what he has actually done in order to disengage from you to get to that point with her. And so you are looking for what is good in H, to reassure yourself he is essentially still this good man underneath. I did all of that.

Opentooffers · 26/06/2012 22:20

Shame he lied about the "choosing you", daft comment though it was. Seems ow chose, so he didn't have to, then told another teacher which is why he got the sympathy remark at the time. After you have taken time to absorb it and decided what's best for you both, you need to work it out between you what lead to it to stop it happening again. Nice though it may be to hear him accept 100% of the blame, it's not likely that it is really and you will both have issues to work on. I wish you luck and hope you end up stronger together if that turns out to be what you both really want.

bleedingheart · 26/06/2012 22:20

I think you are in shock but also relief that you weren't crazy!
Be very careful, I would expect him to tell her you know, so there may be more to come once she knows he has let the cat out of the bag.
I'm so sorry. You seem so reasonable and you obviously trusted him despite the rumours.
I despise his treatment of you, inviting to be incredulous at the rumours when he knew they weren't wholly untrue. That is cruel. A 50 year old father of 3, risking everything for a 25 year old newly wed? So sad.

Opentooffers · 26/06/2012 22:36

Shame he lied about the "choosing you", daft comment though it was. Seems ow chose, so he didn't have to, then told another teacher which is why he got the sympathy remark at the time. After you have taken time to absorb it and decided what's best for you both, you need to work it out between you what lead to it to stop it happening again. Nice though it may be to hear him accept 100% of the blame, it's not likely that it is really and you will both have issues to work on. I wish you luck and hope you end up stronger together if that turns out to be what you both really want.

ReportMeNow · 26/06/2012 23:24

Maybe the 'choosing you' is what he told himself and then repeated it as he liked how it sounded, kinda noble...

...when he's got no idea how it's really being played in your head.

Am very sorry you are going through this Orm, none of it is your doing, you are bloody marvellous ((hug))

ReindeerBollocks · 26/06/2012 23:28

So sorry to hear of this Orm.

You need to give yourself time and be kind to yourself while you deal with a range of different emotions (sometimes all at once). Sometimes you may hate him, her or both of them. That doesn't make you a bad person, it's just a way of dealing with the anger and hurt.

Remember that the ball is firmly in your court now and you do what you need to. Do be rushed into any decisions and take things at a pace your happy with. Sounds like MN has been a good sounding board and support for if and when you need it.

You will get through this, whether that's with or without him. But again, that doesn't need to be decided now, you just need to process the information and decide how you feel. Best of luck.

ReindeerBollocks · 26/06/2012 23:29

Oh yeah, I second everyone else's who said you're fabulous.

Because you are - and MN said so, that makes it true :)

AuxeyDuresses · 26/06/2012 23:47

sorry about this. I've just read the entire thread. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.
I worry that the 'choosing you' thing has an air of the martyr about it.
anyway, make sure you put yourself first, be very gentle to yourself over the coming weeks and months.

OhNoMyFanjo · 27/06/2012 04:47

Don't be rushed into anything remember he's not tge only one with choices. You need time to process everything that's happened.

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