Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

clam - I told him that. I want zero communication between them about anything other than work issues.

Fuck! Why aren't I angry? I want to be angry.

And you know I hate him for proving us right and being yet another one who follows the script. It kind of diminishes one's faith in human nature.

I agree with what Shouldacoulda said. Plus he TOLD you about the rumours at work - he didn't have to do that. There WAS no smoke without fire - he knew full well there was something going on and that there was a risk someone would tell you. I don't believe he never slept with her either.

I am really, really sorry. You sound so lovely and he doesn't fecking deserve "forgiveness" from you. There might be a way forward from this - if that is what you want - IF he is totally honest....

Oh orm I think anger is on its way. And grief. The whole gamut of emotions.

the anger will come

when you see him moping and grieving his "lost love" and it clicks that he is only still living at home because she dumped him, you will get angry

I'm afraid I also think that this woman has been fuelling the rumours knowing full well they would get back to you, that you would find out and that your response to this would force his hand. This all seems too coincidental that she ended it (not because she wanted it over but because he wouldn't leave), you had a row the next day, the rumours got so bad he had to tell you about them and you found texts. You don't say how old those texts were Orm but if they were since last Monday, I think the OW knew you'd go digging and that you'd find them. If they all were since last Monday, re-read them based on the chronology of events that you now know.

Mate of mine who had exactly this always says she wishes she as angry longer.
Felt under pressure to be reasonable. Then
Months later couldn't be angry as shed look a bit mad!

Also. Remember. He still might change his mind. It's not all over. Most men try to make it work for a week or so and can't do it.

You will get very, very angry in time. ATM you are in shock, I remember telling my counsellor that I didn't feel that my DH had betrayed me - he had actually moved in with ow! It was shock protecting me until I could properly process things.

Take care. You will start putting 2 & 2 together more and more, realising certain things and then you will have more and more questions. Fwiw my DH didn't admit to many things at the beginning as they were so awful he couldn't admit them to himself.

Think of yourself as needing some intensive care right now, do not expect too much from yourself in any respect.

Oh Orm what an arse

Can you just look after yourself tonight? Presumably you're not going to force yourself to share a bed with him?

No anger yet towards either of them because you're in shock and you're frightened. You might cry but it won't be sad crying, just shocked crying. The anger will come. It needs to come. Your whole world has suddenly become unsafe. Your instinct is to protect that world. Later, other instincts will kick in.
That's why you can't make any hard and fast decisions now. All you can do while you're in this phase is insist on some boundaries. Between you and him and him and the OW.

I learned the hard way that you simply can't end a relationship/feelings between two people. There is no point in telling him not to talk to her etc. They will do what they want to do.

He should be the one persuading you and promising that he will never ever speak to her again. You are having to ask him to do that, aren't you?

Yes all very convienient from ows pov isn't it? She can't have all of him.....so rumours are started again, texts sent, she dumps him. All asks of forcing his hand isn't? Or yours to throw him out. So she can hop from one to another.

What af said your anger will come when he is moping around for his lost love and because he got dumped. When you realise quite how deceitful they both have been and still are.

I really feel for you Orm. Must be absolutely horrible. He's behaved like a twat. Now you can only take one day at a time, and see how you feel about this in a few days- Maybe, when the dust settles, you'll want to try again, and maybe you won't be able to get over this. I really wish the best for you. Remember we're all here for you.

No imperial he already told me they have nothing to do with one another. I must admit I haven't checked his texts. TBH I have had enough for now. Don'y want to know any more.

:( you'll get there om x

So very sorry Orm.

For tonight get yourself a nice hot drink, have a nice hot bath, take yourself off to bed and rest. You've had a dreadful shock and need to look after yourself. There's always tomorrow to deal with/sort it all out.

So sorry to read this Orm. As others have said, you're in shock right now. I'm going to say to you what I said to a couple of friends in your position- take some time for this to sink in, any decision you make now doesn't need to be one you stick with further down the line. Be very kind to yourself and surround yourself with as much support in RL as possible.

Orm - I'm so sorry. What a complete fucking nightmare you've had to go through - and I know no-one ever deserves this, but you really really don't deserve this. You must feel like you've been hit by a sledgehammer - am so glad you've had such great support and advice here.

Thinking if you Orm. Maybe I'm very naive, but I honestly didn't hear any alarm bells in your OP - I assumed he was a nice guy working in this bitchy environment. I'm so sorry it's come to this.

cinnabar - me too. Glad I'm not the only idiot. I think I liked being pollyanna

Orm :(
But she ended it.
Not him.
He would still be deceiving you if she hadn't.
Remember that.
X

I remember being a bit Pollyanna-ish. I think it's a safety thing - it's too difficult to think the person you love has deceived you and loves another woman, so you twist the story so that you're sorry for him.

I remember laughing about his dilemma, as though it didn't concern me. I could talk about it with interest. It's denial on a level I'd never experienced before.

When it hit me, it was as though I'd been hit by a truck.

Don't make any decisions yet, OP. Treat yourself as though you've just had a major operation and you need a year of recovery. Seriously, it will take that long.

She didn't end it really though. She dangled an enormous carrot. A risky strategy that she thought might bring things to a head. This came out of the bag of tricks after the 'I'm thinking of leaving my new marriage' ruse didn't work.