Rumours at DH's work

[Ormiriathomimus]

He is one of the few men working in this school. Last year rumour started that he was having an affair with one of his assistants. Nasty particularly because her H is an abusive twat and if he got to hear these rumours the consequences could be pretty bad. Rumour was quashed by HT would sent strongly worded memo about spreading malicious rumours.

Anyway it has started again. Assistant in question is in the process of trying to end her marriage and is in a very difficult position.

But right now, I am more concerned about me. Selfish I know but I am recovering from depression and still a bit unstable. I know he isn't unfaithful. I know they are just stupid rumours. But it hurts to think that so many people (some of whom I know socially) might beleive these rumours and in fact be spreading them. It makes me feel undesirable and ugly, middle-aged and stupid, a sap who is being take for a ride.

I can't tell you how upset it has made me feel. It had made me angry with DH for being the sort of man he is - the sort of person who gets close to other and shows that he cares about them, and lays himself open to rumours.

Can anyone understand me?

I am so sorry.

He hasn't chosen you though has he? He has told you clearly and openly he loves her.

He is staying with you because she has dumped him.

I know you don't want us to say he is lying however what has he been doing to you since January? Why do you believe he is suddenly being open and honest.

Can you really stay with a man who is in love with another woman and watch him pine around for her if he does cut contact?

You will need all of your strength and reserve to stay with a man you know is staying with you as second best. As he as been dumped you will never now know if you would have come first if she snapped her fingers.

Take all the time you need for yourself. Whatever you decide is right for you. He doesn't get to 'chose' you.

Please do consider an STI test. Just for your own peace of mind.

Look after yourself /hugs

I'm sorry Orm.

Please do throw her bloody number away she may not be as nice as you and may try to cause further problems.

All the very best, glad you feel calm and you sound very rational.

I was coming back to say that I have found out so much about myself from "rumours" but [sigh] I guess some do have a little bit of truth in them, they mainly get blown out of proportion, give you DH a kick in the nuts from me, in the nicest possible way, for doing this/causing you this pain/hassle/doubts in the first place.

OP, his honesty had to be dragged out of him. Please don't give him too much credit.

If the OW hadn't been in contact with you, it's all very well saying she's nice. But she came into your house and talked with you about your partner. She should have had enough shame to avoid you. She is not a nice woman.

I'm sorry it turned out like this, but I think once you know (and it's sunk in - I don't think that's happened yet) then you can deal with it.

Yes he told me because he had to. But he could have blustered and minimised. I told him I was glad I'd found the texts he said he wished I hadn't because the relationship had ended anyway and finding out had just caused me pain. But I was hurting anyway - things didn't feel right. At least this way I know the facts and can make some sort of choice.

You sound like you are in deep shock, as if you have been hit by a train which is probably why you are numb about OW.

She is not the issue though - your H's feelings for her (as well as the deceit) is the main issue, you must feel so hurt and devastated

Do read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends - it will really help you process your thoughts and feelings.

Tell him you want space and time before making any decisions.

By the way MN is wonderful. You are all so prescient. I was all for beleiving him, you told me not to. So I read his texts. Thank fuck I read his texts!

'honesty was honourable' ?!

His level of honesty since January was most dishonourable... He my well be telling you some truth now, but he has been a lying toad alright. I am angry on your behalf, I can't believe you have tried to take the blame for his shitty behaviour towards you. this is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

Take some time, no one will tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but please please don't rush into making any decisions to let him stay.

That denial you were in couldn't have lasted much longer, Orm. We prodded you, but you were nearly there already.

It is a credit to you that you are still trying to see the good in him. I think that you are in shock and suffering from information overload. I hope that the next few days/weeks are as easy as possible for you.

Can I just add that I would also welcome her number and text her, bloody bitchy nice person! Coming to your house? Being nice ? at OW for you until you get there.

Yes you were nearly there, hence your thread. I'm sorry. You do sound in shock. Take care of yourself. However I think in time you'll start to ask the questions of him you need to.

He loves her and has treated you appallingly, he got dumped, so hasn't chosen you at all. He has treated you so badly :(

Oh so ,so sorry.Only you know your DH well enough to judge over next days/weeks if he is truly remorseful.But I know how shitty the whole thing feels,sex or no sex it's a massive betrayal.
And don't be too generous towards OW -she sounds a piece of work.
Not suggesting for a minute you should do or say anything regarding her,but as well as your DH having his 'midlife crisis' she has been responding and encouraging this for months.
Be prepared for massive anger to set in.You sound amazing and lovely.Stay calm tonight and hope you can get some sleep.You will need it.

Perhaps I should unleash MN on her..... or not. I have decided I am dismissing her from my thoughts. Fucking cheek! To chuck my husband without even asking if she could have him in the first place!

I keep wanting to laugh - it's such a cliche. All of it, She was even exactly half his age.

Oh Orm - god - you are such a wonderful kind person.

Wishing you lots of strenght in the weeks and months ahead.

And just take some time to be kind to yourself - make no big decisions. And remember he is the one who has done this and he has to take responsibility for how that changes his relationship with his children.

I am so sorry. It is a shit place to be. I haven't commented before because the script was so similar to my own and I knew what the outcome would be.

I'm really very sorry. You need to take your time now and explain that you don't know if this can be forgiven.

Because you can't know yet.

When in this situation, many people find that there is so much new information to take in that it's all too difficult to process.

So it might help to read the chronology of all this as you've told it.

Sometime last summer his colleague invited him to her hen night and wedding and there was a no partners rule. Your husband agreed to go on his own and only when you expressed disquiet about the wedding, were you invited. At that wedding he phoned the kids and alarmed you because there was no response. You both dashed home and he went back to the wedding. You felt uncomfortable about all of this. Sometime around then rumours started about them having an affair.

Recently there have been fresh rumours about it that have been detailed in nature. A colleague claims he or she saw them having sex in a restaurant toilet and another commiserated with your H about a relationship you now know she ended. She ended it on Monday last and on Tuesday you had a rant at him (I'm now wondering who started that particular argument given that he would have been feeling a bit lovelost)?

This weekend you found texts on his phone. He said that there was nothing else other than a friendship but admitted the texts looked bad.

Now he says it's been going on since January, they've kissed, he loves her and she ended it. But he also loves you and wants to stay with you.

Orm just take your time and be prepared for more to come out than has tonight. You will be in a great deal of shock right now.

Sorry to be right orm. She's half his age? Shea a freak

Orm I'm so sorry :( Your intuition was bang on - yet again women's intuition wins out.

Give yourself time for the shock to hit and get ready to make him work for this. I hate to think he can just drop this bomb on your lives, grovel for an evening and then think things will go on as before. As others have said I really do think you are in shock still and the anger and betrayal are going to come in a wave.

You seem very brave and dignified. You are not to blame for this :(

Orm, you are a nice person who is determined to see the best in people and that is a wonderful thing. BUT your DH and this other woman have treated you very badly, dishonourably and dishonestly. When the shock wears off be prepared to feel very, very angry.

This is hard, but you must ask yourself, and your husband the question "What if she hadn't dumped him?" :(

Please do as some others consider counselling for yourself to deal with this plus your self esteem issues etc.

Sorry - realise how much that sounds like 'I could have told you' and it wasn't meant to sound like that. You have handled this with more courage and dignity than I ever could have done.

I think I would be demanding that he never, EVER discusses you with her again. Your marriage, and your reaction to this bombshell, is nothing to do with her and he should not further humiliate you by feeding back to her how this evening went, for instance.