Living with a narcissist

[Abitwobblynow]

Is hard. Busy taking one day at a time whilst I work on myself and developing stability. He isn't horrible but he isn't available either.

Anyway, now that my eyes are opened, it is sad/interesting to see the mini-moments that announce his narcness, that I was so blind to before! If I see them, I can either set boundaries or self-soothe to stay calm.

Last weekend, he tells me he bought a Ferrari. *

So, phone rings (he is on a business trip). Telling me about his evening out with adoring female acolytes (he likes them best). I started telling him about two of our friends, who are having issues.

Silence, and then: well then. I must go.

I have come on so much. I used to be destroyed, now I feel vaguely sorry for him. It must be awful to be that empty.

*Don't worry. Whilst I did not cause him, cannot cure him and certainly can't control him, it went down on the list with all the other toys for misappropriation of marital assets when the time comes.

Lots of church's shoes. So funny.

Dream, what was the lightbulb moment?

I still struggle to know what to do.

He isn't bad enough to leave - do I really break up a family/assets, because I now realise I will never be loved in the way I longed to be loved??? That is what it boils down to.
I have a strong sense of old fashioned duty. I am also extremely realistic. This is hard.

Omg yes

Churches shoes - most were a sort of tan colour with little holes in them, and he had a special wooden shoe box with special brushs and cloths and those wooden foot shaped things to put inside the shoes.

How about special collar stiffeners - the small rectangles that they use in the pointy bit of the collar to keep it straight? My ex wouldn't use the little plastic ones and actually had a pair of gold ones

Think long and hard how you can be happy.
Are the assets what makes you happy?
Does it matter the size of the house or the car?

And duty to what? To a man who does not love you as you deserve?

It is better to live alone than to be confronted with that lack of love every day, trust me.

I agree Lueji. I'm trying really hard to keep things the same for the DCs (& for myself to be honest) but I believe that even if I had to move house and lower my expectations I would still be doing this, because I always felt that I 'owed' H for this lifestyle, which is why I allowed him to treat me as second class or inferior.

Assets don't make you happy, love and appreciation and feeling that you connect with people are what make you happy. I had the conversation with H when he blamed his stressful job for making him who he is - I told him that even without the job, the money, the house, if I had him wanting to spend time with me and my children I would feel blessed. He obviously didn't feel the same .

Even now I resent relying on his maintenance to keep me here - I would dearly love to be able to say "I don't need your money" as that is all he ever really brought to the relationship/family.

Duty is a very outdated concept Wobbly. Really your only duty is to make sure that you & your DCs are happy and secure and that they grow up with a healthy sense of their own 'worth'. You know you'll get none of that from him.

my ex wore the barrister-style churches - buckle on the side. Mind, I do like that style to this day.

silk socks. real bristle shaving brush and all the paraphernalia. everything had to be cut-above. Hand made shirts (bond st). I have potential PTSD about his gold cufflinks. Most of his stuff was traditional London iyswim: simpsons of the Strand, Fortnum & Mason (Harrods was too common/bling). He didn't use collar stiffeners but it's precisely the sort of thing he would have - and, yes, they would have to have been bone or silver/gold. When I met him he had his own dressing room in his flat (he was a student).

All that stuff was dead sexy/stylish. shame he was a narc and destroyed my head and heart.

gold cufflinks - double cuff, of course.

Oh dear, my stbxh didn't have any of this stuff, he was a jeans & t-shirt sort of bloke. He did spend money on all the special gear and 'gadgets' for whatever his hobby of the moment was, but he certainly wasn't a tailored suits sort of guy - I'm beginning to wonder if he was one of the club after all?!

sounds like he was! they come in all shapes and sizes (and socio-economic groups)

I think if they are the City professional type these are the "must haves" to impress people
I think other professions probably have something similar!

Double cuffs! Every bloody morning he would moan that the dry cleaners had messed up the cuffs
I tried every dry cleaner in town

he was a jeans & t-shirt sort of bloke - So was X2, DoingIt, but he wore the same shoes as Springy's ex with his crappy work suits. Also was quite rigid with the casual clothes - same jeans, wore mismatched socks as a matter of principle (), only one style of trainers.

X1 was an artistic type and had the latest, the best of everything. Clothes shopping with him was brilliant. Mind you, I could never get him interested in quirky vintage wear ... unless it was an expensive, 'approved' garment like a genuine WW flying jacket, etc. He had to have double-stitched shirts for work, the tosser.

Oh god springy how can I forget the shaving gear ? He was unimpressed with my at badger hair bristles - did he think they were like sheep and got an annual haircut? Whatever ethics he had were at his convenience, I have no problem understanding how the banking crisis happened - my ex wasn't in that industry but near enough.

Ah, fashionista X1 was also into old-fashioned shaving with a straight razor and all the accessories, which lived in a gorgeous leather handbag case. He actually used an electric shaver en route to meetings & such, but that didn't seem to dilute his dedication to proper shaving; oh no

I have no problem understanding how the banking crisis happened

Don't tell me, they were all too busy surreptitiously checking out each other's accessories in Corney & Barrow to keep an eye on the money!

On duty, too:

My ex claimed, after separation, that we had married in church, so it was till death.
Erm, what about your massive failings at keeping your side of the vows, then?
Surely living together is not the only vow that matters.

One day when out window shopping (me) ex went into shop and bought leather coat down to the ground! Very expensive...because ex thought he was the Matrix guy in it! Looked more like a pimp with his leather long coat and shades! The grandiose delusions hey.
Hey do they all drive the same cars too VW's?
Still spent thousands on sound equip etc as a top music producer as a hobby (grandiose) and always had to buy the most expensive wines, an expert in that too...piss artist!

Are you sure that wasn't a threat, Lueji??

Cars:
VW
BMW
Any Spyder
Any restored vintage

Motorcycles:
BMW
Harley
Restored Triumph

Pedal cycles:
Custom-built
At least six for slightly different purposes.

It was a promise possibly! Narcs are impulsive and extremely dangerous people that follow through!

Tools:
Wolf
Makita
Vintage traditional.

Yep anything with a sense of better than yours 'badge' on it GB!

gosh, these lists are ringing some bells! He always wanted a Bristol car but, as far as I'm aware, never got one. He went for a Saab instead (walnut dashboard, leather seats). He also had a custom-built bike (pink) and wouldn't let me ride it because I'd be too heavy/careless with it. Ah, that's popping one of the spells he weaved around me: that I was unfeminine, gauche, an elephant

HIs watches were also wafer thin. I was wearing his watch once and fell down the stairs - he made a big fuss about the watch and chided me for being careless.

weaved? wove

Garlic, that was among many threats. They were usually very clear.

Among the if you are not mine you won't be anyone else's, etc.

His watches were wafer thin - X2!!! I'd never heard of anyone being obsessed with thin watches before! He demanded one for his engagement present. It cost 7 times as much as my ring. Oh dear, I was a sucker ...

Lueji :(