Living with a narcissist

[Abitwobblynow]

Is hard. Busy taking one day at a time whilst I work on myself and developing stability. He isn't horrible but he isn't available either.

Anyway, now that my eyes are opened, it is sad/interesting to see the mini-moments that announce his narcness, that I was so blind to before! If I see them, I can either set boundaries or self-soothe to stay calm.

Last weekend, he tells me he bought a Ferrari. *

So, phone rings (he is on a business trip). Telling me about his evening out with adoring female acolytes (he likes them best). I started telling him about two of our friends, who are having issues.

Silence, and then: well then. I must go.

I have come on so much. I used to be destroyed, now I feel vaguely sorry for him. It must be awful to be that empty.

*Don't worry. Whilst I did not cause him, cannot cure him and certainly can't control him, it went down on the list with all the other toys for misappropriation of marital assets when the time comes.

Good for you - let him worry about himself and put your energy into yourself. I would dearly love to never see stbxh again but with 3 DCs I'm tied to him forever :-(

Just having to learn to detach and not feel bad about what I missing, just be glad about what I no longer have to endure.

Not necessarily for ever. He might die hopes

ha! thanks Springy for those cheery words

If it weren't for the DCs I wouldn't give a toss, but for their sake I hope he lives a long lonely miserable life

cat/pigeons: I'm of the belief that the kids would be better off not having him in their lives at all. yy that goes against all current wisdom re kids need their fathers. imo they need a father like this like a hole in the head and nothing good comes of it. I'm at the other end of the deal in that my kids are grown and I can say hand on heart he was the worst thing that happened to them.

they need safe, loving role models, regardless whether the same blood pumps through. It's a bit of a double standard to be fully aware of the terrifyingly damaging qualities of narcs and then fully exposing our children to them. I did it, don't worry, and for the same reasons as yous, but it was a huge mistake.

Ns are the same with everyone. Don't think they'll be different with your kids.

feel very down today
every nasty thing he said is going through my head

Uselesslife - (((hugs)))

You need to find a way to detach from what he said and did.

So much harder than said, I still sit and reminisce about words and behaviour from my XH, prompted in part by current rants from him. It is hard to not feel the hurt. But I think slowly it is dawning on me that it is irrelevant. His behaviour towards me is not a reflection of my worth, or caused by me. Plus thinking about the past is so damn depressing, no good can come of it.

He is just unbalanced and sick. If I think of him, and to be honest treat him, like an overgrown 6 year old, it does make it easier. He has no power over me anymore, he just doesn't like that so pushes all the buttons. And has nothing on me.

The 'worst' he can do is refuse to pay maintenance (well that can be sorted out legally), refuse to see the children (well, unhappy about that but probably not the worst thing to happen), blame me for the latter (bah humbug), and send me passive aggressive emails either correcting my grammar (whom not who) (and actually getting it wrong), or telling me I am affecting my children's mental health (what by unconditionally loving them, being there for them 100% of the time, and rebuilding our lives).

But he can't get to me, if I don't let him. I am in control of my life now and my feelings. The past hurts can't hurt me now. And none of this is my fault.

correcting my grammar (whom not who) (and actually getting it wrong)

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

I agree with Springy. An involved sociopath is worse for kids than no dad.

oh please, I may know a lot about sociopaths but my grammar is seriously crap on the seriously crappest scale. ah well, I'm a lovely person

they fuck your head up these sociopaths

I know, it is hilarious, once you get over the indignity of having the equivalent of a red mark in your school work sent to you as a totally inappropriate response to a valid question.

It's the I AM IN CONTROL subtext that is the joke re correcting your grammar - sheesh

I trot this one out about my ex: when I left him he sent me a letter (written in his mont blanc fountain pen) detailing, amongst many other things, when I should turn the mattress on my bed.

you gotta laugh or you'd die

or, rather, I AM IN CONTROL OF YOU

Turning your mattress... .

Absolutely it is about control, and about their poor self-worth, and their superiority. What a combination.

Mine has a mont blanc pen too. No handwritten notes, but lots of typed out & verbal instructions. I think he cannot get it into his head that I can cope without him....

Springy, he WILL die.

At some point.

Rejoice.

Or rather,

DoingItForMySelf, rejoice.

bloody hell

Mont Blanc Pen

maybe possession of one should be added to the official diagnostic list of NPD characteristics? Though my ex was much more the histrionic PD subset - not met a single person who knew him, that I've shown it to, who hasn't been by how uncannily accurate it is. and I know you can't diagnose PDs using a list on the internet but just saying

Mine has a Mont Blanc pen too

MB fountain pen? Tick!

I'm actually LMFAO at the thought of him realising that he was just one more example of a very common type of man - he would be mortified, being so sure of his uniqueness

But not really relevant...

Just wanted to share with you girls, that about 3 weeks ago I too, finally, had my lightbulb moment. Only took me 15 years...

Once you get it, really get it that it's never ever going to change, well, it changes everything, doesn't it? (duh! to myself)

Anyway, I understand were you are coming from Wobbly, it takes a bit of time to organize yourself.

Amazing the headspace you have once you stop trying to sort them out and start to sort yourself out.
Very for DCs, they'll never have a "real" father.

Sorry x posted catsrus, meant my rudy Mont Blanc pen H irrelevant.

Just read through this thread properly and the MelanieTonia Evans site.

Amazing.
I've been so miserable wondering how I am going to get through this,
Now I'm more determined to get through it. And change my life for the better

He emailed, and slipped in that he has told a few friends that he's moved out. I know he wants me to ask the details.
And I do want to know what he's said. But bollocks, the people who are important to me will know the truth. Don't care about anyone else.

Your life will be better usefull (I'll change the name even if you haven't yet!) and you are quite right, those important will know the truth and the others will soon find out, you just smile and get on with living your life free from him.

churches shoes, anyone?

Church's shoes: check! Exact same style every time.

Yep
Church's shoes