Heh, Wobbly, I've told my story at interminable length with previous usernames 
I'll do a summary - in logical order, which is not how I experienced it!
Was the scapegoat child of a psychopath (definite; I suspect diagnosed) and a narcissist (informal). Being the scapegoat may have forced me to recognise the abnormality to an extent - I have some weird siblings - but it was still all I knew; I was shaped by it. I was/am a mass of PD 'fleas'. Careened from one all-consuming, self-absorbed nutcase to the next: friends, flatmates and boyfriends. Now I've cut out the loonies, I'm left with the grand total of 3 friends :(
My most outstanding skill was my ability to hold the correct mirror up for sociopaths to see themselves as they wanted. This eventually led to a very successful career in advertising (!) but I was being continually abused in my home relationships. X1 is a classic Narcissist. After him, a long-term flatshare ended when mutual friends pointed out how maliciously she treated me. X2 is a psychopath. At the time I married X2, I started working for a Narc bully. Instead of leaving promptly like my predecessors, I believed I could 'handle' him so, of course, he got worse. In my marriage, I simply blamed myself and thought X needed me. Hah.
I had a breakdown. The work situation escalated. X2 left me, as I was too distressed to perform as he wished; we started a divorce. I was made redundant; X bullied me into a ridiculous financial agreement; I ended up losing my lovely flat, career, health, literally everything. The breakdowns were cataclysmic. My therapy started with exercises to remember who I am 
Many, many years on, my sense of identity is still pretty fragile. I realise I've always had one - I like 'me' - but, due to the circumstances of my life, am unsure of having the right to be myself or even how to be. Other people have always told me who I am, rarely in a good way, and those closest to me depended on me to reflect them in a positive light, having no interest in who I really am. That may look very odd to most readers but I think you'll understand, Wobbly. Currently I'm living on the poverty line, in a place not of my choosing, and am lonely due to understandable social insecurities. A kind of PTSD.
It worries me when I hear women saying "I can handle him", as I used to. It means they're pinning their identity on their ability to resist abuse. That's damaging. Their boundaries are evidently messed up, since they're willing to tolerate attempted abuse.
It wasn't about love, it wasn't about me - No, it never was. Pisses you off, doesn't it? The only thing to do is get over it (preferably more efficiently than me!)
My divorce aftermath was useful to the extent that I began practising boundaries with him. But I didn't 'win'. It would have been better for me to have severed all links entirely, then do the forensic psychology in a consulting room. If I'd had therapists who knew about life as an NT shaped by PDs, I'd be making a better recovery. I hope you can find one.
I am a person who likes to know 'why'. - Me, too. I would say read as much as you need, to understand that around 1 in 10 of the superficially "human" people around us actually have no concept of other people as living, breathing, thinking, feeling creatures, and what this means to you. But BE CAREFUL! All the time that you focus on HIS disorder, you're still reflecting him; it's still all about them. Ergo, you're still in HIS world, poncing around on his imaginary stage. You need to break out, feel the cold but fragrant air in NT world, and get living.