Will anyone admit to...?

[Just5minspeace]

...having an affair that no-one found out about?

realising you are in love with someone can take time, and knowing that that person is there, even if you are not with them and are still going through the motions of a marriage can be enough.

Although some may not agree, the fact that we had a emotional involvement yet didn't have sex showed a some respect for DW/DH, however this led to a greater respect for each other over time. we did at least end our respective marriages before embarking on full blown relationship. You just can't keep all of the people happy all of the time.

I think it's as well to remember that monogamy is learned behaviour rather than a fact of human nature

What holly said.

I found telling family and friends infinitely harder than telling XDH. I knew XDH was going to be hurt/angry etc and could steel myself for it. But knowing that all the other people in my life were so shocked and disappointed in me was beyond horrible.

Surely falling in love is a choice as well though? I struggle to see infidelity as the least selfish option, given the potential fall out is so terrible?

why is it necessary to tell your friends and family your private business?

Holly- your description of how it starts is very accurate, and I think once that attraction has started it takes a very very strong person to walk away, as I said I wasn't strong enough and 5 years on although I ended it I still hurt over it

really? I've done loads of things that my family have no clue about...and I like to think that if they did know they'd not be disappointed or ashamed of me.

But everyones situation is different..and this is a highly emotive subject where people often have strongly held beliefs and are inclined to knee jerk reactions.

Cheats (ie people who get away with having their cake and eating it) will, understandably never be popular and are often just not tolerated at all.

Which is why, in real life I always keep schtum, I'm a freeloader, I am taking the piss, I wouldnt expect anyone to think thats ok.

In an area much-used by women reaching out for support after they have been betrayed by those who purport to love them, is it really necessary for some of the hard-faced among you to gloat about your "conquests" ?

Sickening

gettingeasier - it's ok.

Firstly i absolutely do not expect to be forgiven. What i did was unforgivable. However - one the reasons i didn't leave my H as soon as i met OM was simply because i was frightened of the trouble it would cause. And the hurt. It felt like looking into a very dark pit and having to jump in. It took a while to pluck up the courage.

As people up-thread have said - some affairs are not actively sought out, to supplement the marriage, so to speak. Some happen as a result of problems within a marriage and are a catylyst (sp?) for the end of the marriage.

There will inevitably be a period of time where you are falling for the OM and realising you need to leave the H. Like i said earlier, in my case the sudden death of my father delayed my actual break up. It was a bloody nightmare of a time for so many reasons. Things got much worse before they got better.

What AF said, I've read this thread and I am now really tearful. I have sympathy for people in a sexless/ loveless marriage, but some of the almost boasting nature of responses on here is very upsetting and I will now hide this thread. Affairs cause such pain and destruction on discovery, nothing to be proud of. I still remember the hurt caused by my now ExH Horrid thread to click on, and I couldn't stop reading it once I began. Awful.

There are threads on this board for everyone, its an open forum for discussions, and the topic here is relationships of every kind. It would be wonderful to think that we all could fall in love and live happily ever after, sadly though this isn't the case for many and people make mistakes. I've seen this place become a bear pit for those that post looking for advice their 'crime' being they are not following the moral high ground of the society rule. Love does not abide by any such rule which is as its always been and as it always will be.

Thank you to all of you who braved the Mumsnet wrath. I'm not a man!
I'm just in a position where I am potentially on the brink and wondered if it was possible to do without causing upset.
I have children, a good job and a lovely husband. On the outside all looks lovely. However health is an issue for my husband and the stress it causes me, as I can't tell anyone, is huge. All valid reasons but I haven't name changed....
I have someone I suppose you could say I was already in a non sexual relationship with. Very good friends, text each day, see each other during the week.
Recently he admitted there is a sexual attraction. (He is happily married, as am I) I suppose I just wondered about the, What if? Or more importantly the What if not? scenario.
TBH I doubt anything will ever happen, we are both anti affairs, has already been discussed about a year ago, but at night I sometimes ponder....

keepingsecret Wed 20-Jun-12 17:53:33
Ive slept with a married guy, and had sex with guys who were with other women. I slept with a guy last weekend knowing he had a new gf!

There is no place for a post like that on a Relationships board, other than to give all people who have affairs a bad name.

AF this is a public forum. If you don't approve of the subject matter, you are at liberty to hide the thread, as are those who don't wish to read about what is an interesting subject matter for some of us.

It's really not up to you to dictate what can and cannot be discussed here.

Incidentally, most people are not gloating, they are offering facts about their experiences.

What a dull question

I think affairs should remain private - not gloated about.

You are completely correct JTRAOW. Anyone can post what they like. Why haven't some of you women who are sharing genuine stories of unhappy relationships who are now in a better place taken issue with posts like the one I quoted ?

Or are you happy to be associated with someone who glories in that kind of cruelty ?

I don't think that is the case for most of the posters on this thread, so why does it take someone like me to pick up on it ? If you wanted this to be a genuine support thread for OW, you could have done that. But nobody did.

Yes when I was with my ex. Had a 'long term FB' for 2 1/2 years, then around 4 or 5 casual's as well. Not sorry or ashamed, loved every minute of my affairs, had great sex. Didn't get caught until after I'd stopped cheating, decided to get my act together, that's when I realised how unhappy I really was...then one of the old shag pieces kept texting me, fiancé read them and viola we were finished...happy days!! Looking back now I realise I was just being spineless and not doing what I should have done...by ending it with my then fiancé, that behaviour was totally out of the normal for me. To be fair the piece of shit deserved it.

Just5, I totally empathise. My affair started due to a sexless relationship (his choice). I lived like that for three utterly soul destroying years before it started.