Will anyone admit to...?

[Just5minspeace]

...having an affair that no-one found out about?

I won't post again on this thread, as it will end up being a polarised bunfight (like the last one did, which helps no-one and is quite tiresome for everyone). I do however think it should have taken someone other than me on this particular thread to speak up against the gloating minority.

Yes, with ex's best friend (married). Lasted 4 years, ended when I met DH. Now I wouldn't have the time, the inclination, or the energy. Or, anyone who would want much to shag me.

Should you choose to embark on a relationship with another person one thing is for sure. You can't take it back, it can't be undone and you are unlikely to forget it.

Personally I would struggle with the secrets and lies but I know some people aren't affected by this.

I think you need to know your own boundaries and fully understand that their is more chance of others finding out than not and eventually people get hurt. It might be you when it comes to an end or your marriage breaks up or you find yourself unable to live with guilt. it's also not just about the way you handle it but how the op handles it as well.

If they get found out then the bubble bursts for both of you. Nothing wrong with the 2 fs flirting and fantasising. Once the affair door is opens IMO it never closes.

If your at the point of choice you have the control.

I didn't realise this was a thread about OW. Its of interest that the terminology 'OW' carries with it a sort of 'She Devil' feel to it across this board, those who are not welcome here. Why not? On a relationships board?

I was the OW for a few weeks ten years ago. Met up with old friend at gig, felt a spark, had no idea he was married, then went ahead and slept with him anyway. The whole thing rapidly went tits up as he was on a slippery slope to a nervous breakdown. He confessed to cheating to his wife. Ten years on they are still together with a child.

AF keepingsecret's flippant and tasteless post is in the minority.

The rest of the posts have been factual and I have not picked up on anyone else gloating. Quite the contrary.

Affairs can make or break a relationship

My ex wife had an affair and possibly others that I suspected but couldn't prove and she wouldn't admit to. She paid the ultimate price when I found out which she still regrets 15 years later. I don't put up with crap like that because in my world there are plenty more fish in the sea and I was swimming with them two months later!

She was gutted that I was sleeping with someone new despite her having the affair which was weird to me.

I have no problems with what you girls say as shit happens in relationships but don't then come back on here when a bloke has actually had the bollocks to leave his wife rather than carry on living a lie like some of you are, stating "what a bastard" etc etc....like you say people make mistakes and are not perfect and that includes blokes who shag around.

However my sympathies go to their wives as for some reason and reading posts on here children and "I love him" tend to stop many women from kicking him out and starting again. Too many women forgive poor behaviour in my opinion when starting afresh is often the best way forward.

AF, I'm going to keep out of this too. Some of the comments are sickening

The scale of self delusion and denial on here is incredible - shouldn't be surprised though otherwise how can they live with themselves about doing something so damaging to their partners, families and themselves

*for not about

AF - i think people reading the whole thread will make the distinction between those who could be accused of posting with a 'cavalier' attitude, and those who are trying to share their experiences with depth and sincerity.

I don't feel particulally 'associated' with anyone who is posting on the same subject as me. Plus sometimes i feel that calling other posters on their posts can cause a bit of a bun fight which can spoil any support factor.

I cant honestly see any of this being much support to anyone other than those who, like gettingeasier, are about to leave their OHs. 'Gloaty' posts are best ignored.

Please don't. I only asked because I wanted genuine feedback from people who had been in the same situation. Not to start a fight.

I had an undiscovered affair with a work colleague towards the end of my 20 year marriage. I knew the marriage was over, I'd tried everything to make it work and knew I was going to leave, just a matter of when.

OM was also married (6 years) when we started the affair, but was in the process of separating. He was divorced a few months after our affair started. I felt bad about his wife, but justified it by telling myself that it wasn't me that was her problem, it was her husband that was her problem.

It was about a year before I actually left my husband. During that one year affair I didn't feel guilty at all. But that was because I had no respect left for my husband. I did hate the lying though, finding it exhausting sneaking around. (poor me huh?).

After I got divorced and processed all of the emotions around the end of the marriage, I did experience strong feelings of guilt about the affair for quite some time. I never told exH about the affair.
OM and I never got into a relationship but we continued seeing each other on and off for several years. There were feelings between us but the unspoken truth was that we would never, ever trust each other. And I suspect he was a total player anyway, I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only OW he'd had...

As for now, well I've been single for a long time, I hear from OM now and then, but haven't seen him for about 3 years. I still feel bad about cheating on my exH. I also think about OM's ex wife, and I hope she's now happy with a better man than him.

If I am ever in another relationship, I would never do it again.

Holly I presume that in all the cases of which you speak the cheater and cheatee were busted?

I didnt feel guilty during or after any affairs or extra marital sex..no-one knows, no damage done.

I felt no guilt and there was very little chance that anyone would know.
I suppose I have relegated husband and extra marital sex to different sphere's in my mind?

I think monogamy is too much of a burden for most people..I wouldnt criticise anyone for taking an opportunity for sex outside of a relationship, provided they were discrete.

I realise this is not a common stance on MN!

I'm certainly not here to gloat, and don't want to get into any disagreements on here. Its hard enough to post as it is.

Without wanting to justify my actions, I'm in an unhappy, often emotionally abusive marriage. I have asked several times over the past 1-2 years for us to separate, but H won't have it, is worried about the DCs (as am I) and frankly we can barely afford one household let alone two.

That aside, I am in a 'relationship' with a married man and have been for 2 months. I didnt enter my affair for anything other than a bit of physical attention, fun, friendship even. What neither of us expected was that we were going to fall in love, and that happened long before we even slept together, which only happened for the first time in the last few days.

I totally agree with Smallcardi 's comments about trust. I would - right now - love a future with my OM. We both talk about it. But the underlying thought would always be that we would never turst each other.

For now, rightly or (very) wrongly I am enjoying what we have, what we can share. And I don't feel guilt.

Same as Holly, I wouldnt have gone anywhere near if my marriage was happy either.

In fact I think right at the start of the affair I seriously believed that it could help to save my marriage, because I'd be getting the sex that was lacking at home and I could live with it. But once the affair started it became more and more obvious that I viewed my husband with disdain, and could never be in love with him again whatever happened.

Can somone explain to me then, if happy people dont have affairs (which I dont believe) then why, when found out, do the cheaters often not want to lose their marriage?

Myself and many many other women who have posted on here about their OHs affairs are faced with them saying that they love us, that they dont want to lose us, that it was a mistake, a bit of fun...basically begging for another chance. They genuinely dont want to lose their marriage. I dont believe that 100% of these are players who will do it again, some are of course, but all of them?

If they were that unhappy that they had an affair then why arent they happy that they dont have to have the "I am leaving you for someone else" conversation?

I am asking because I dont understand, not to have a pop at anyone. Its just the fact of cheaters asking their OH to give them another chance doesnt line up with posters saying that happy, in love people dont have affairs.

no, not in 24 years.