Will anyone admit to...?

[Just5minspeace]

...having an affair that no-one found out about?

Oh indeed Whitewash and Just.

Sometimes from reading MN you wouldn't think so, though. Men do this, men do that, 'they' always follow the same script, 'they' can't keep it in their trousers...

Of course it's mainly a female forum, though, so it wouldn't really be any different.

as with most internet forums there's quite alot of 'groupthink' on here :o

Yes I cheated on a BF in the past (many years ago), with one of his friends.

Why? - well initially because we were drunk, so snogged. My relationship with the BF was boring, dull, safe, staid, in a total rut and limped on for a few more years, although with hindsight this was clearly as sign that All Was Not Well then. I was young and immature. Having an affair was really exciting, I felt alive, wanted, sexy, like something was actually happening in my life in general. Having a secret was fun. It wasn't love, it really was just sex. Oh and the friend had a much bigger cock than the BF

I'm not justifying it - but people are asking why, well those are my 'reasons'. I wouldn't do it now because I'm in a totally different place and a totally different relationship and I couldn't do it to DH, and I have no desire to. But I remember at the time not really caring if my BF found out - although when it stopped I do also remember really, really hoping he wouldn't.

Actually, until DH I don't think I was ever faithful in a relationship, but that was also partly because I placed a lot of my own self-worth and self-respect on how men saw me/valued me/fancied me. I was a fully-subscribed believer of the epithet 'The best way of getting over someone is to get under someone else'.

I'm in shock - women on mumsnet having affairs , I thought it was just them nasty men that done that !

I was unfaithful to my then H, but i wasn't an OW as the OM (now my DH) was single.

I had been married 13 years. Never unfaithful before. I felt terribly guilty while the affair was going on. I still feel guilty about the hurt it caused. I cant talk about the guilt in RL and it still affects me badly in fact. It's why i bang on about it on here from time to time i think. Like now.

The whole situation was messy and drawn out. As i was preparing to leave my H my DF died and rightly or wrongly, to save my mother and DDs from the upheaval of me 'publicly' ending my marriage (which was dead on the inside already), i decided to wait even longer. Bad decision. My H knew and 'turned a blind eye'. Just waited for me to end it. We had no physical contact for 18 months. I was never at any time actually sleeping with both men. When i did end it i was public enemy no.1 as far as both sides of the family was concerned. He made up a false story for his side of the family that painted me as a total bitch which they happily believed. So that was nice. I suffered a bit of physical abuse too in the days i was moving out.

It was a horrible time. I lost loads of weight and was very depressed. But i found the kind of love with my OM that never existed between me and XH. And it has lasted. The 'highs' were my time with OM. We fell in love. Being with him was and still is the most fabulous feeling. The 'lows' ... at home. Just the worst times of my life.

New H and i are still passionate about each other after 6 years. I love him to pieces.

HTH

I 'nearly' had two affairs! (Not at the same time though!) That amounts to two massive crushes over the course of a 20+ year marriage so I am hardly a terrible scarlet woman.

The first one was when I had two small children and I was pregnant so the timing wasn't exactly great. The second one was a few years ago. In both cases the men freaked out (nothing physical happened in either case). Now I think about it, they were both creeps and not nearly as nice as my husband. In the second case, he was much younger than me and I think probably saw me as a MILF and had a good old gossip about me with his mates. I think he really 'got off' on all the drama and intrigue of a potential affair with a married woman and saw it as a huge game - WHAT A CREEP - I would cross the street if I ever saw him again his behaviour was so immature and repulsive. He was single but I think he is married now - I feel sorry for his wife, he really is a prat.

Anyway, in both cases it was traumatic and not remotely enjoyable so

....so in my (limited) experience, affairs have nothing to recommend them. That is why I am always quite surprised by the 'having cake and eating it' stuff - both times I ended up totally miserable.

misty0 I hope you come back and read this - I just wanted to say how bloody brave I think you are. I hope you get over the guilt, because you deserve it. I'm about to end my marriage and I am so nervous and I think you're very brave for going through with it.

I know of a couple of affairs. One the DH suspected at the time but it's now 6 years ago and they are incredibly happy. The happiest they've been in 20 years. My friend said she would have left had the affair not happened but it was enough to cheer up up on day to day misery.

I would have had an affair if I thought I wouldn't get caught. Instead I stayed for my children, until the youngest was 5 and so didn't have sex for just over 6 years. Horrible.

IfImHonest - each of our situations are so different and complex it's hard to really understand exactly how another person is feeling, without going into loads of detail, but it sounds like you're going through a similar shitty situation to mine.

If you want to pm me then do. It can help to talk and i would be glad to empathise. I cant promise you many pearls of wisdom - but i have lived to tell the tale :)

I tried to have an affair when my marriage was nearing a rocky end, but I wasn't very good at it, and missed out. Funnily enough, since divorcing XH I haven't felt the need for any doings with the opposite whatsit. I'm fairly convinced it was him going on and on about all the affairs he thought I was having that made me think it was a good idea in the first place.

Yes ive had an on off affair with one of my closest friends for a very long time.

While it was going on we have both been single, in and out of relationships and got married to other people, had children and basically lived our lives. We talked alot about being together and got very close to it a number of times, even to the point of looking at flats to rent. Once the children arrived it became clear it wasnt going to happen.

We are both still married to our dh/dw and they are none the wiser.

I ended it at the beginning of this year. I ended it because it made me miserable. The constant lies and living two lives couldnt continue. OM has become a serial cheater and imo has developed an unhealthy obsession with sex. Its become a game to him, it was not a game for me I honestly loved him. He wants it to continue but he would. Nobody knew anything about it because neither of us told anyone.

I love both dh and om but this is not the person I want to be. I want my future to be with dh who respects me and is my best friend. I couldnt feel any worse about what happened. The guilt has been difficult to live with and if I could take it all back I would. I have thought about coming clean but have decided to put it behind me and pull all efforts into rebuilding my marriage and family.

Affairs are not fun, they are horrible, dark and very very lonely. I have been on the other side of a cheating partner and know all to well the hurt it can cause.

I have cut off all contact with OM and will never ever be drawn into an affair again. My DH and family deserve more.

"Affairs are not fun, they are horrible, dark and very very lonely".

Not in all cases. Possibly some, maybe most, but that is not my experience. Mainly due to the fact that we both know where we stand and there is no heavy emotional involvement. Mine makes me feel more alive than I have ever felt. And as I said up-thread, this has been ongoing for six years; I have never felt lonely or upset my affair. It has made a bad situation good.

*about my affair.

Why are people so amazed that some ladies have flings/affairs whatever you want to call them. We are all human and none of us is perfect.

Its not ideal but it happens and it happens because we are sexual creatures and when were hurting or something is missing we look for it elsewhere.

We all just want to be happy and although affairs are more oftern in the long term distructive they are an escapism. In an ideal world nobody would hurt anyone but thats not realistic.

To all you ladies who've been brave enough to post. I hope you eventually found some happiness and peace. For those of you who are in the throws of an affair, I hope it ends in the least worst way possible with minimal upset and hurt. I dont think its right for us to judge others choices, everyones situation is very different.

No body is above anything, anyone of us could end up doing anything.

Agree with everything cupcake has said.

affairs which involve relationship break ups are liable to be 'dark and horrible' because relationship break ups are dark and horrible.

Also the affairs that we get to know about tend to be the very messy train crash types.
Affairs where all parties are discreet and no-one gets hurt stay under the radar so we tend to think those kinds of affairs dont happen

So, whitewash, why are you still in your original relationship? Why not with the one on the side?

If you drew up a list of advantages and disadvantages, what would you put in R1 and what would you put in R2?

Hope that didn't sound hostile, I'm geniunely curious.

I never wanted to have a relationship with any of the 'other men' I just wanted the extra sex :)

as for the original relationship, well we still get on, I care about him etc etc, for all I know he may see other women.

Been having an affair for over 10 years. In that time I have married, had DC and like others got on with life he has done the same.

I love him, as he does me.

I did. It was a one time thing with someone i knew liked me who i'd met before DP. It was about 1 year into our relationship. No excuse but i was feeling very low, felt like me and DP weren't going to make it. Which led me to it. I told DP straight away and he forgave me. We're moving in together next week. (Though we're having our other problems). I reckon we'll be fine. More than 5 mins peace has something happened with you or is this just a have you ever..

oh yes!
OP why do you want to know?? :)

Yes but with my ex. I was sleeping with one of his friends for quite a while.

I did confess to one night but he never knew that it went on for months and months.

He was and still is a twat so i don't care at all! Does that make me a bad person?

I would never do it now, not now i'm very happy with dh.