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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Will anyone admit to...?

423 replies

Just5minspeace · 19/06/2012 19:22

...having an affair that no-one found out about?

OP posts:
temptationgirl · 23/06/2012 00:39

yes.. currently involved in an EA with an old friend recently reconnected with, no sex as yet but contact and kissing etc... always liked him but never knew he felt the same until recently, this has been going on for nearly a year now. He recently spilt with his long term partner but it was her descision and she could change her mind, if she does i think he will go back. His partner can be abusive as can mine, it's a total nightmare, i'm considering leaving my dp as don't think things have been right for a while. Wouldn't really recommend it to anyone but as this tread shows, these things happen. i can't not have him in my life and he feels the same.

jojoanna · 01/07/2012 14:59

yes,,,, still going 4 years.

SucksToBeMe · 01/07/2012 15:44

Completely agree with anyfucker

Reading threads on here from women who have been cheated on is heart breaking. I could never do that to somebody. Do whatever you want in life but NEVER at the expense of another person.

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 01/07/2012 16:47

Another one agreeing with AF, this thread is awful. No wonder we have so many fucked up kids around these days with attitudes to relationships and marriage like this. Appalled.

Barnum · 02/07/2012 11:29

I think its all very sad - for everyone involved. I'm involved with another man, we're both married and desperately wish to be together and that maybe things would be so different if we could have our time over again. I know mine would be. I married v young, and shouldn't have (was preg at the time) but didn't have the courage to say no. He married someone he is totally unsuited with to get away from his overbearing mother.
We've both been married 25years this year. For me I don't where it will lead, altho I know if I was more courageous I would have left my marriage a few years ago. I haven't been happy for some time, simply exisiting. It's easy to criticise others, I didn't look for a relationship with someone else, and when it 'began' I stupidly thought I could control it, not banking on my emotions getting involved - very stupid I know. Now we're in a situation where neither of us is truly happy because we're not together, not properly.
There are so many factors involved, which I won't list here, which make this situation so very complicated and difficult. I know he would leave his wife for me if I said the word, but it's me holding back. And sometimes I feel like I should end it but I know I will never be truly happy or at peace if I do. It will always be 'what if...' and I'll go on existing again, just going through the motions of what is an apparently happy marriage. I hate feeling this way but I feel I can't live without him as he brings me so much happiness.
Our lives have been connected for so long - from the time I was in my teens although I didn't know him then - wish I had! We have had friends in common, went to the same school, lived in the same small village and our paths have crossed so many times it's unbelievable, I can't understand why we never found each other sooner. Not meant to be some might say, but I don't believe that, I feel life is a result of choices you make (however they turn out) and it's your own doing what happens to you. I just wish I'd been braver when I was younger, when I could have really changed things and made my life take a different path. Now I'm stuck in this limbo world of not really having anything, nothing that makes me truly happy and at the moment I can't see how that will change Sad

sternface · 02/07/2012 12:10

I'd suggest one of the main reasons you stay in this limbo Barnum is because you're attached to what the situation gives you, mainly in terms of beliefs that you can live with and find comfort from - and partially in terms of the benefits you get from the status quo.

For example, it's quite comfortable to have the security of a marriage and a belief that you can control your lover's marriage too, if you ever choose to press the 'leave your wife' switch.

One of the reasons people in your situation don't press that switch is because at some often sub-conscious level, they are frightened that they don't really control events and the lover might not leave when push comes to shove. And the reasons for that might be quite similar to your own possibly unacknowledged reasons for staying in your marriage; that it provides more for you than you're prepared to lose and most of all admit - to yourselves and to eachother as lovers. Your lover might be the same.

When people say they are in limbo and can't change a situation - whether that's an unhappy marriage, an unsatisfying career or where they live - it's not that they can't change the situation, it's because the situation itself and their beliefs about it provide more comfort than what they fear the alternative might offer. So they don't press that switch in case all those fears become realities and they end up losing what they are attached to (beliefs and benefits) - but won't acknowledge.

betternamechange · 02/07/2012 17:24

Since Sept. Physical since Jan. My life feels like a car crash the highs are great. The rest guilt, feeling second best and an intensity possibly borne from frustration at what we can't have. I wonder jojanna how u sustain 4 yrs??

Nobhead · 02/07/2012 17:36

I had 2 different affairs behind my ex BF's back. The first was about 11 years ago with a guy from college who I was infatuated with, nothing happened whilst we were at college as he was seeing a girl and I was with my BF. I bumped into him a couple of years later in town on a night out, he wasn't with his GF anymore and I felt that instant attraction to him again- he was HOT HOT HOT! We ended up spending all night at his parents house shagging. I felt very guilty the next day but I had his number and we sent each filthy texts a lot and I met up with 3 more times after that. He tried to convince me to leave my BF and be with him but for some reason I didn't because I was young and scared. Part of me wishes I had, the affair ran it's course because he moved to USA to do football training and I haven't seen him since.
The 2nd was with my now DH, I left my exBF to be with DH.

jojoanna · 02/07/2012 18:05

betternamechange I don't know I just do. Don't get me wrong it has its ups and downs but then every relationship on whatever basis does.

TheWizardsWife · 02/07/2012 18:24

Yes, it lasted two years. I had a couple of boyfriends throughout. OM had a wife. I knew him previously. We shared a social circle-though I didn't know his wife.

It was something we both got into after a drunken night out and continued. It was about fun, laughs and yes sex, which actually became less important.
In essence we were couple, albeit in a different city every few weeks. I was going through a bad time, but it isn't an excuse. I've actually never admitted that part before.

I wasn't proud of myself but quite honestly I just tried not to think of who we could hurt- well we wouldn't would we, noone would know?!

We finished it on numerous occasions but to become a complete cliche, it was no longer about the sex, we wanted to be together. It wasn't an option and we finished for the final time.

OM then left his wife. Not necessarily for me, but because he didn't want to be there.

I finished with my not so serious boyfriend. We did get together and it all came out. Without a doubt, as someone alluded to earlier, the telling family and friends is the most shameful I have ever felt. Still do.

We are still together and happy. Ex wife has married and had twins very quickly.

She still wishes us both dead. So who knows if she is happier now. I can't even begin to imagine what we did to her.

I know my DH is so much happier now, and for want of a better word, relieved that he did it.

I'm certainly not proud or boasting. I still feel dreadful three years on, and some friends and family still won't speak to us.

We are both very happy with the (selfish) outcome but not how we got here.

Not sure that helps you, sorry OP. Yes we kept the affair secret for as long as we wanted and yes there were some amazing highs and lows. It did exactly what it needed to at the time and I don't regret it. The hurt afterwards (which in this case, we 'fessed up and didn't get caught) was, and still is, awful.

betternamechange · 02/07/2012 18:37

Jojanna i suppose i wonder how u keep it light and accept it for what it is. I am struggling with that. On the one hand i know it can and will go nowhere so why do it. On the other it brings pleasure yo my life. I know. I sound terrible

betternamechange · 02/07/2012 18:50

Jojanna i suppose i wo nder how often u meet, text, talk etc?

jojoanna · 02/07/2012 19:04

we meet once or twice a week talk or text most days. except weekends.

Penalty · 02/07/2012 20:09

This thread is appalling. I could never be an OW. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Disgusting, selfish, and frankly minging behaviour. Yuck.

PackItInNow · 02/07/2012 20:20

Affairs are like credit cards to to me. Never had one and never will. Wouldn't like it done to me and wouldn't do it to DH or anyone else I was with. I would end the marriage/relationship first, before having a fling, as it's only fair to the other person to let them go.

Barnum · 03/07/2012 10:14

Well that's what I always said until it happened to me PIIN - but it's not such a clear issue as that. As I said I've been married for 25 years and sadly it's happened to me. I don't think many people who are not just "out for a good time" actually set out to have an affair. Its very easy to be judgemental (as I used to be) until it happens to you and you are faced with a very real emotional dilemma.
And yes Stern, it is easier not to push the 'leave your wife button' - the thought of the turmoil that would cause terrifies me. I am 100% he would do it for me but I have kids, a job and other responsibilities that would all go down the toilet if I chose him over all of those and I just can't do it. We've been together for 18 months now during which time I have repeatedly questioned myself over this.
At first I couldn't believe what was happening, what I'd become and I couldn't believe that anyone would want me like he did anyway. So yes, I guess I was flattered by the attention. He's nothing special to look at but it's his nature that attracts me so much. I enjoyed being pursued by him, I have to admit and I don't need to do anything to keep this going. In 18 months his attentiveness has never once waned. He loves me in a way I've never been loved before.
This sounds pathetic but he's like a drug, he takes me places I've never been before and I just can't walk away from him. No matter how much I convince myself I will when push comes to shove I don't. But if it all blew up in our faces, well, I don't even want to go there, but in my mind he'd win the battle going on in my head.
I agree with WizardsWife - that if we ever get to be together permanently, we'll be happy, just not proud of how we got there......

PackItInNow · 03/07/2012 11:31

I'm not intending to be judgemental Barnum, what I have said is just my feelings and if I had to choose between being shot and having an affair, I'd choose to be shot. That is the one thing I will not compromise on. I would rather give my life than be disloyal and hurt to my family and DH. DH is the same. He'd rather die than be disloyal to me and the kids

I just wouldn't want to face the consequences and hassle of being found out, so I wouldn't do it in the first place. That way I can stand tall and prove that I've done nothing to ruin and devastate my family.

PackItInNow · 03/07/2012 11:36

I could recover from being shot fairly quickly. I wouldn't recover from ruining and devastating my family. Never mind ruining the trust DH and I have.

AnyFucker · 03/07/2012 11:48

I find it very difficult to understand how one man can engender such strong feelings in a woman that they wilfully risk their marriage, their job, their family, their dc's happiness etc

One man has the power to make you do this ?

He's not the Messiah, he's not all-powerful, he has a dick and an arsehole like every other one on the planet. He doesn't have special qualities, he doesn't "complete" you and he isn't your "soul mate" if he is conspiring with you to fuck up your life.

Why do people invest so much in one other person ? I love my DH, but I wouldn't damage myself and my relationships so profoundly for anyone

Do people who have affairs and see comments like mine think "well, you just haven't met the right person, or you haven't felt love like I have"

I have news for you. All this angst and self-destruction is in your own hands. You can walk away, you simply choose not to.

TheBitchHiker · 03/07/2012 12:07

Agree with AnyFucker what is so wrong with some women, that they are dazzled by a man who is actually fully prepared to lie and cheat and and be routinely dishonest to his closest family and children?

This is a man who is knowingly jepordising the happiness and peace of mind of his own children. A man who is fully prepared to emotionally damage his children's Mother with devastating consequences.

This is a man who will let innocent people down, decieve them, and play with their emotional wellbeing for his own selfish needs.

I am at a complete loss to understand how women can possibly find men prepared to behave like this, even remotely attractive?

bogeyface · 03/07/2012 12:08

Barnum why are you putting leaving your unhappy marriage on the same page as being with OM? If you are unhappy in your marriage then you can leave and live on your own until everything is sorted out. Then, if your OM does leave his wife (which I am afraid I do have my doubts about) you can start seeing each other openly and thats fine.

Why do you need to leave for him, when you could leave for you?

bogeyface · 03/07/2012 12:09

It just sounds like so many excuses to me....

bogeyface · 03/07/2012 12:12

BitchHiker (love the name!) its because they usually fall for all the guff. "She is a bitch, a liar, frigid, only wants my money....." "I will leave when the kids are older, when she is able to cope, not depressed........" etc

They want to believe that the "love" he professes for them is genuine and that he just hadnt met the right person until now, so it isnt really cheating just 2 soulmates who met at the wrong time blah blah.....

sternface · 03/07/2012 12:18

Yes and there's that word I hear and see often....

happened

as though this was some external event that occurred, like an accident or bad weather.

This is a choice

Including Barnum, the choice not to test your lover's commitment to you, in case that 'love' turns out to be the mirage it often is.

TheBitchHiker · 03/07/2012 12:27

Thank you Bogey

The women convince themselves that he's only regularly lying, and deceiving everyone and jepordising his children's happiness because his wife has driven him to it. And, when he leaves his wife, to be with her, he will magically revert to being totally honest and trustworty and thoroughly decent and caring about his children's happiness.

Because people completely change their personalities like that, all the time.