Will anyone admit to...?

[Just5minspeace]

...having an affair that no-one found out about?

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet but I have read this thread with interest. Up until earlier this year I had a long term affair with a man who is married with young children..i also have a long term partner who Love and care about a great deal. It is possible to have feel

Sorry about the cutting off of last message.. It is possible to have feelings for two men at once. I am now working on my primary relationship and have cut contact with the OM almost completely other than the odd email. It is a very hard and emotionally draining situation to be in and I have empathy and sympathy for those in this position. Life isnt always black and white unfortunately and prior to my affair I hadnt cheated on my current or previous partners. I think myself and OM were very drawn to each other from the start and both had our own issues with our relationships at the time. I'm not justifying my actions but not everyone who has affairs are evil or get off on hurting people. I know that for me the guilt was extremely hard to handle.

Sorry, Holly, but don't waste another yeta trying to love your husband. He doesn't deserve you.

The world does not cave in when you end your marriage. I thought it would. I thought MY kids were the ones that wouldn't cope, the whole world would collapse and everyone would hate me.

You know what

The kids are fine, I'm fine, my ex is fine. It's fine.

Give yourself permission to be happy NOW.

Because now is all we have.

Yeta?

Year. Stupid phone.

If you want to be with somone else leave the person your with first :)
You cant love somone and do somthing like that to them get real I think people still need to grow up abit IMHO

Loving all these people who never wanted to hurt anyone, who have this set of complex reasons of why they are having affairs which are entirely justifiable and I would say oh ok yes I see that if I was in their shoes.

Really ? Really really ?

Sorry as someone said a while ago its not ok when the DW/DH/DP isnt party to the arrangement.

It's not ok gettingeasier, but let he who is without sin etc.

I'm sure we've all done shitty things.

Ah yes there is a difference though

1. Go out, have a laugh and end up doing things you should'nt with somone you should'nt. Then feeling horrible guilty and going home and telling all and beg for forgiveness (as you love your partner more than anything )

or

1. Having a long affair which if its not a one off heat of the moment thing you clearly feel no guilt or any love for your current partner as if you truely love somone you will do everything to protect them and never seek out to hurt them yes everyone makes mistakes but mistakes are quickly regreted and corrected. Long affairs are nothing more than wanting to stay with your current family for the comfort of whatever children , home , etc but cant be arsed telling the poor OH so sleeping about instead. This is horrible and if it was the other way round think how broken you would become

Again if you need to cheat end your relationship first as there is no love there.

Sorry but I can't agree with the point that if you love your partner you wouldn't cheat. Like any long relationship, in particular in my case when we got together in our early twenties, things go up and down and it's inevitable that there will be rocky patches. I realise that I should have dealt with the problems by discussing them with my partner but sometimes this isn't always easy to do and people come along and fulfill other needs and a connection is made. In my case I realise I made a huge mistake but I can't see myself as an evil person - believe me I've had plenty of counseling which has made me see the reasoning behind my affair much more clearly. I also know that I would never do the same thing again!

I just wanted to add that the old saying "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't true! Ive made my mistake and I look forward to a hopefully long and happy future with my partner. If I ever felt the urge to cheat again I would always discuss any issues I had with him first and if this didn't work I would leave the relationship. I will always carry a bit of guilt but that is my burden to deal with.

I don't see myself as an evil person either. I made mistakes, my choices were misguided, and my decisions were based on delusional thinking, but I'm not wicked. The lessons have been learned, and I'd never do it again.

debate/argue the issue till the cows come home
wear sack cloth and ashes
confess all your sins to anyone who'll read/listen
beg for forgiveness
berate the amoral, spineless, heartless, homewreckers all you like
I dont think cheating is going to go away any time soon.

Pretty sure people in most periods of history have had liaisons outside of their primary relationship, the internet makes cheating so very easy that anyone with the slightest inclination can soon find themselves lured off the straight and narrow.

Without the internet I wouldnt have had anything like as much fun

Yes small cardie, I'm in total agreement with you! I've learnt a lot of lessons too and I do think my affair was linked into my slightly self destructive nature and issues with self esteem. I didn't realise at the time that what i had at home was so much better and I do feel like I took my relationship for granted which I regret.

@ abitwobblynow

can I have the million pounds? The reason that people have affairs is all to do with "the sexy son theory" and the reason they do not want to leave is covered by this too.

It is basically to do with the fact that humans are not a monogamous species, but not everyone can have the best males to mate with. The science comes from observing birds, but it relates to humans as well.

male bird with best song/nest gets first available female, and second and maybe even third. But female No 4 comes along and she has got a dilemma. Does she go for forth wife for best male or first wife of second best male?

So basically you mate/marry the best male that you can get. But if you have a chance of a shag of a better male, who can give you healthier offspring, you do it on the sly. Its all about trying to give your offspring the best genetic mix you can so that they will survive in Darwinian terms. The did genetic testing of the birds and found that most offspring were from the alpha male.

And this is what humans are genetically programmed to do as well. Only we are stupid and don't realise what we are doing, and confuse genetics for love lust and other stupid things.

I'll pm you my bank code LOL

Not saying you are wrong Ms....but surely within even a relatively large community, you would still end up within a couple of generations, with most people being closely related. So you would get brothers and sisters having babies which in Darwinian terms is suicide.

yes Bogey if it was a small enough community, I don't know exactly how the birds get away with it, but with humans 7% of new dads are not the father. Its been a while since I did my psych degree but im sure if you google "the sexy son theory" you will get better info if you want to find out more.

Of course us humans are bound by society rules (and we have birth control) so we don't end up with so many offspring...but the sexual drive is to mate with the best possible mate we can get. Of course being human we should be above giving into our basic carnal desires, but I think this thread shows that we are not all that good at it, yet...

As I said, not arguing the theory, more ....questioning it! I will look that up I think as it is very interesting. I had heard that 10% of men are raising babies that they think are theirs but arent, and I would like to know how that figure (or 7%) was reached given that they dont know. I personally think it must be higher than that.

I was of course not taking into accoutn birth control, etc, was thinking more of an older society with minimal geographical movement and no contraception. In that case you could easily end up with an early community where everyone is related.

That is, closely related enough to make procreation a very bad idea, and it would get worse generation by generation.

Yes.

My partner was in the nick at the time. That isn't the reason why though. I was going to classes every night at the gym. I would see him there (he was just a gym user). I would go home, get changed and go and meet him in Bayswater or Notting Hill. I remember Rhianna's 'Don't stop the music' was out then.

Of Course whilst I agree with you that MN is overjudgemental, it isn't ALL judgemental - the rest of your post is unconditional 'do you own thiiiiiiiing, man' and that doesn't help humans to grow.

Holly is on here because she wants to TALK about where she is, EXPLORE her reasoning and PROCESS how she feels. It's called being human, and trying to grow as a human being.

So actually, 'do your own thiiiiiiing, man', isn't active listening.

Have you thought that maybe Holly came on with a 'front' of confidence, and BECAUSE she is being listened to and taken seriously she is going deeper and examining all her impulses and what is holding her back? As opposed to MN groupthink.

Just a thought.

Holly, talk more about the love of your life?

I also just want to say to Holly, having read through some of the last posts in more detail, Holly you mentioned that you think part of your subconscious motivation about posting on here was to get the push to end your affair.

Is it possible that you might also/equally/instead have been needing a push to end an unhappy marriage?

I'm with those who don't want to judge, and wobbly I agree that constructive advice is good, but also I'm always conscious that although I have a perspective, I am not an authority or an expert on relationships and marriage (far from it! ) and obviously none of us are actually there to get a feel for what Holly really wants and needs. I agree though that our reflections might help to draw answers from Holly herself.

(Like people's opinions are helping me to ask myself questions I had avoided before.)

Oh! Just spent 5mins writing a post and lost it:(

It basically said thanks for baring all.. OM and I had a long chat today and will remain friends. Neither of us wants to hurt our partners or families and we value our friendship and time together too much to risk losing it.
We may have to revisit the issue again in the future, who knows..
In 20yrs for him and 11yrs for me, neither of us have ever felt this connection to anyone else. Yesterday at the thought of losing our friendship completely I felt totally lost and was physically sick.
Both our partners know about our friendship and now we can continue knowing that we don't have anything to risk and that, hopefully, a man and a woman can genuinely and honestly be best friends.
Thanks for your help :)

My "first love" was a married man twice my age. He was in it for sex, I was in it for love (or rather what I thought love was). I wasnt his first affair, but his marriage ended because of me. He went on to meet other women whilst still wanting to see me etc etc... I wasnt even 21 and so naive. The whole thing wrecked my future relationships as I ended up with massive trust issues and low self-worth. It was the worst thing Ive ever done in my life and by far my biggest regret, I wish to God I could change the past and I would have had a far happier time in my twenties.
Ive never cheated on a partner and never will, too much hurt and sadness.