Will anyone admit to...?

[Just5minspeace]

...having an affair that no-one found out about?

Holly, if you do end it, would you consider giving yourself a deadline, eg a year from now, to take a step back and really look at your marriage and whether it's improved or not? A year is a good length of time to assess what's really going on. I don't think you can make a well judged call about your marriage while OM is on the scene.
I really feel for you and wish you all the best with this.

Holly regarding DCs I thought that too. It turns out that now I am starting to detach from narcissist H who did have an affair (ie have truly realised his affair is not about me, stopped screaming and yelling and trying to 'connect' with him), they are now speaking into the new silence.

Very sadly, to ask me not to divorce . My dilemma is that he is self-absorbed and makes me feel very lonely. But he is not abusive, mean with money or inherently unfair. He is not bad enough to leave.

So my solution is to develop my sense of self, work on going back to work (long term lady wot lunches), truly accept his reality and delicately detach. I will look after myself and stop hoping and wishing he will change.

For now.

[bracing myself for the flaming]

Holly, sorry to say this but you sound like a really good thoughtful woman and he sounds rather horrible.

I mean, he's only nice when you are doing/being/giving exactly what he wants? And if you show your real self he gets really nasty?

Being with the H I am with, I know that with some men counselling is futile. Good luck Holly, and don't think your children aren't being affected.

I mean, what does he do when THEY show their selves? Like, stamp their foot or say 'I don't want to!' Does he smack them?

Holly I got really flamed in a post where I tired to describe the work needed to stay calm and uninvolved whilst being around a narcissist. I got told to leave and that I was drunk, had a personality disorder, a child abuser etc. and he a vicious child destroying criminal when I said 'that's not the point'.

Nobody understood what I was trying to do (self-soothing and keeping hold of a sense of self so you don't get drawn in or lose your boundaries).

It was MN overexitement at it's very best!

Holly- can I ask did it not eat away loving your OM so much and you knowing he was intimate with his wife ? did you ever feel betrayed by him because he said he still loved her ? if too personal questions sorry only have similar story and wondered how others handle this x

If I don't display the right attitude ... If I say something wrong...

How does he get you to 'be' how he wants? Is it guilt trips and passive aggression?

yes many moons ago i had a long standing affair it was about 10 years long i was very much in love with the bloke concerned and was just waiting to jump ship in my own dead relationship, no excuse for my behaviour but it happened and i know i would never allow it to happen again,im still friends with the bloke but it never got out what happened. tho at the mo my current found out about it because he went snooping in my loft and now every time we row he threatens to go tell the blokes wife, bit of a silly move really cos the bloke is a bit of a scarey huge chap who would eat current but there you go

Holly, what stands out for me here is that you initially posted regarding your situation with a confidence in yourself to continue with the situation. Then a few posters came on and 'judged', giving their opinions as to why you should not be doing what you are doing and now you are feeling guilty and altering your position. This is baying of the MN societal rule, even subtly. Do what you need to do, in your life, with your relationships but please, do not subscribe to this guilt trip as we are alll essentially strangers and would need to walk a mile in your shoes to gain the faintest insight into why your life is like this.

MN is a very judgemental forum as eveidenced by the amount of namechanging alone on this thread

And, Holly, you do not need to explain yourself, there is reason for it, it is what it is.

thanks Holly for the honest answer , I agree the love thing is very hard to hear, but I was different from you because I didn't want sex with DH only wanted my OM so felt bitter and jealous that OM was still 'able' to have sex with wife if he loved me. I could not handle all that jealousy and knew I had to get out to stay sane

I was never jealous of my EA wife, all I thought about was does she realise what she has but I also realised that some people, though still together, are just existing in their relationships as I was in mine.

Totally crap and I would question why my OM ever got involved with me if everything was so rosy at home, I still think men in general are able to separate different 'loves' and quite easily be quite happy with both where women (again in general) if they are in love with a man want to be with that man.