christmas\new baby\pils -aargh

[shinyblackgrape]

DH and I got married last year. We are expecting our first DC at the end of November. So, unless born on the due date, DC will be two - three weeks at Christmas.

When we got married, we agreed to spend alternate Christmases with our respective families. Last year was with my Parents as my mum and dad hosted our whole family last year. They do alternate years. My DSis is married too and has the same arrangements with her husband's family so we went last year to make sure we tied in with the year DSis was there toon

Obviously, we will have a very small baby this year. PILS live about 3 hours away. They live in a very nice house. However, it is small in thatbDH has to sleep in the lounge when we visit. I'm in a single room and there is only one bathroom

DH is very anal about the time spent with both families and wants to make sure it is exactly equal. Which I find a bit wearing to be honest. I had a great relationship with my grandparents (both sets) and saw them roughly equally but sometimes I saw one set slightly more than the other and vice versa - it was the natural ebb and flow. However, I don't remember anyone keeping notes or scores.

This year it is our turn to visit DH's parents. DH brought this up tonight and Ive said to him that I really don't think this will be feasible. I'll be establishing breast feeding, the baby will only be 2-3 weeks old and if I've had a c section to a rough birth, I could still be in pain.

I've proposed as an alternative that the PILs come here with sis in law as we have much more room and I'll be settled. I normally love cooking but I've said I won't be up to it so we will need to go out to eat. Which makes me a bit sad but MIL is not a good cook and PILs are of the variety who like to be "entertained" so don't do anything to help when they visit.

DH is furious, thinks I am being completely unfair, has said that both sets of grandparents (around85+) would need to come too - even though they don't spend Christmas with the PILs but are visited as they are very infirm. they would not manage our house well as it has lots of stairs and we only have 4 bedrooms.

I was hoping to suggest that my parents came too as they are a huge help and my mum would be able to do the coking some we could all stay at home at least. Howeverx, due to the reaction re the PILs, I've not. DH is now saying that we will discuss it nearer the time and he's sure I will be fit to go er etc. we don't go this year, we have to go the next year (which would have been the year with my family so could have seen my sister - so will never get to,spend Christmas with her, my nephew and bil ever again due to rotation)

I'm verging between anger and tears. I've always been good at sticking up for myself but now I'm pregnant, I actually feel incredibly vulnerable and almost scared about all this stress at a time when I really won't want it.

I also (perhaps stupidly) feel very let down by DH. I had hoped that his first thought would have been to domwhatbwas best for me and the baby. But it's not. It's to do what he thinks is fairest for my family as he calls them. Interestingly, DC and I don't form part of that grouping which I also find incredibly hurtful too

Do any of you have any tips how to resolve this. I can see it becoming an increasing problem through DC's life. DH, to be fair, is normally reasonable and rationale but this is a real hot button. Any attempts to discuss things are met with accusations of me trying to stop him seeing his family etc.

Well, it's up to them if they want to be alone etc.

You cannot and not can your dh take responsibility for all these other GROWN UPS and their happiness.

One, you will never be able to do enough to keep them happy.

Two, you will become very unhappy, stressed and unfulfilled yourselves.

Three, why the hell should you?

I will never understand parents of grown up dcs who put such pressure on their children. It's outrageous behaviour. And the children often comply, sacrificing much.

I'll say it again, this is why "turns" is a Very. Bad. Idea.

Don't get into it!!! Do Christmas on a "needs must" basis. Or better still, what you want to do. Things happen to scupper the best-laid plans - people get ill or, heaven forbid, women give birth just before Christmas which gives a very valid reason to shift it all around.

Your H is being an arse. Official.

Oops missed the whole priority thing.

Right go back to my first comment. Ask him if he realises what he sounds like?

Before going back to the matter in hand, I just need to say I bloody love mumsnet and I'm not even pissed

DH is trying to back track now and saying that I misunderstood etc etc.

If we've not got bloody divorced by then, I'm going to deal with MIL in a polite but firm way. Not exactly sure what form that will take as at the moment I feel like drop kicking her towards the Irish Sea.

Seize the advantage! If he's backtracking, get him to state in words of one syllable exactly what he is saying. Then tell him in words of one syllable that you cannot possibly know how you will be feeling in December after having given birth and therefore the matter is closed. But that your family are not going to be effectively penalised for you being out of the Christmas loop this year. The birth of your first baby is supposed to be a happy event, and not cause for family strife so he needs to knowck it on the head. A stressed mummy = a stressed baby. Surely he doesn't want that on his conscience?

Hmm - think I'd better just add, my list contains details of things that happened with my three babies.

(Actually, the births were quite straightforward but the few weeks afterwards were summit else...)

Oh - to add.. feeling so hot and uncomfortable, couldn't wear any clothes from the waist up... but it might be different with a winter baby!

Actually - I'm thinking that I might now go big or go home. In that, if he ever mentions this again, I will do a face and tell him that we are not discussing this as everything has already been agreed.

Then at Christmas, I'm going to invite PILs and my parents and they can all sit down stairs playing twister with DH while I'm barricaded upstairs with the remote control and lots of treats from M&S. And the baby.

Then when I want them all to leave, I'll wander downstairs, naked from the waist up, a la Nonnomum.

DH and PILS can do whatever they want the year after!

Possibly worth mentioning to MIL that you intend to use a three hour routine (whether you do or not). If it works well this will involve feeding for an hour (in bed as you are shy and don't want to feed in front of FIL) then a two hour nap. Day and night. And you hope you won't disturb them too much in the night. Babies can be very noisy and you can't guarantee he/she will have day and night the right way round at such an early age. Your pal x had a baby who screamed all night, every night for weeks.

Then leave them to it apart from about 20 mins every 3 hours. That should allow you to chalk up some serious hours for DH's tally.

Your DH is making me so cross on your behalf. Does he know your arguements are causing your blood pressure to rise? He's actually having an impact on your unborn child. I'd insist on the first couple of Christmasses at home. Then if a rotation starts again (although hopefully enough time will have passed that it wont) you'll be in sequence with your family again. Although the actual rotation is hardly the point, I think despite your DH's backtracking, you got a glimpse into his true thoughts.

if it's any consolation dh and I had big hormonal rows about christmas when I was pregnant, better to get it sorted now than later.

you promised to go to his parents... well if he can't keep him promise to love and cherish you then he is breaking the bargain too

I had a prize idiot like yours. be careful. mine showed his true colours later. i just hope yours is a bit of a mummies boy and sees sense and growes up soon...

just read the bit about you not being his priority and you never will be.

I/children were never h's priority, not when it came to a conflict in arrangements.well he go this wish of seeing his parents more... he lives with them in the week now.

if he can not keep his marrital vows of forsaking all others/leaving and cleaving, then you do not have to keep any promises you made. tel him that you are a grown up and he can shout and insist all he wants but he is not able to keep you from seeing you sister parents whenever you feel like it and if he says he can... run for the hills and don't look back.

be careful. h started out like this... it did not turn out well.
hopefully yours will sort himself out.

Oh for goodness sake , your DH has no clue what it's like with a young baby, he'll learn fast. Put the decision off until the end of the pregnancy/after the birth and the circumstances will make it obvious you can't go.

My DP and I had a hundred silly rows and said a hundred silly things to each other during my first pregnancy. You are both just acting out your anxiety over a massive life change. Don't waste your time gasping in horror at him saying you aren't his priority. He said something stupid in a row and then backtracked because he didn't mean it. Is he your priority? Why are you giving out about him to your Mum behind the scenes? Be careful what you say to your family when you're angry. You'll forget about it when you make up but they might not.

When baby comes everything changes, you, baby and him will be the family and both sets of parents will take a back seat.

If you don't want to mess up your rotation skip two years and then go back to normal. I really think this will work itself out.

I think that you are right to be honest with him, rather than agreeing and then changing your mind later- that seems too manipulative.
is it that he really wants to go to his parents, or is he afraid to say no to them or something, I think that he needs to explore his feelings about why it means so much to him.

can totally relate to the using children for social life thing, my dad is the same, and it does leave me with a terribly guilty thing sometimes, but utimetly I can't make him happy, because an adult child can't take the place of friends for a parent and it's unreasonable to expect that

is your husband similiary overwhelmed with guilt about saying no?

you are very wise and sensible to make the baby and keeping calm your top priority. good luck with it all

I think you need to have 'not going' as your default position sorted out loud and clear now. If you fanny around saying that you'll see how you feel nearer the time, then he will say that it's too late notice to cancel and his parents "will be so disappointed" and so on.

Set out your stall now.

3 weeks after a (long-but-straightforward vaginal) birth with one teeny stitch and 'no real damage' I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach by a horse, was still wearing incontience pants as the only thing that could manage the lochia, was struggling with constipation (glamorous result of epidural), was alternately starving hungry/ asleep, always needed the loo, and was BFing DS every 3.4 seconds. Oh, when I wasn't changing 3 layers of clothing due to a superblowoutpoo.

If I got across the road to the park, I felt amazing about myself. If I got to the new mum's group 2 streets away, I awarded myself a small medal. I had no idea how it was going to be, beforehand, and I had MN to prepare me! :) DH was even more clueless and in a way even more shell-shocked. Allow yourself the first 8-12 weeks of parenthood unencumbered by any plans at all. as it happens, we drove 6 hours to stay with friends when DS was 10 weeks old and it was fine. But at 3 weeks? Don't make me laugh!

I agree with others that your DH has been a right plonker, I also think that he is freaking out about how his life will change. He needs to get it clear into his head before December two things:
(1) He is about to stop being the child, and start being the parent. His family unit now is you and your DC.
(2) Children like waking up on Christmas morning in their own homes. Grandparents visit them a few days before or after Christmas, if they are too far away to come over for lunch.

Oh, and I forgot to add - I'm due in December too - congratulations! :)

osterley - I'm speaking to my mum about it as, if I didn't, I'd probably be in hospital with hypertension.

She is not the type to take advantage of the situation and is genuinely trying to be encourage me to make up with DH and be inclusive and conciliatory to PILs so they don't feel left out.

The problem is that I don't want to make up with DH and I feel positively loathsome towards PILs at the moment. Probably unfairly but there you go.

DH and I are not speaking which I am actually feeling totally relieved about. It's all a bit strange as we don't tend to argue much and don't really do non-speakers. However, I'm completely lacking any energy to speak to him and I dont want to have an another argument.

clam - default is definitely not going.

blackcurrant - congratulations too! I take your point re making DH see his priorities have changed. However, I think he needs to realise that and I'm not sure he's going too. However, as far as I'm concerned, he can now spend every single Christmas with the PILs. I don't intend to be there so DC won't be able to be which is too bad really.

Congrats blackcurrants!

Op, sorry DH is being so stubborn.

My darling boy was born on 14th December.

I didn't even know my own name until some time in January, and his birth was a breeze.

You need to take control of this situation and manage everyone's expectations and tell them that ALL pre-arrangements are OFF, there will be NO Christmas Dinner/Lunch visiting UNLESS you feel like it. When the baby is here etc, you will let them know but to assume that you won't be going to anything and if you do manage to make it, it will be a bonus.

From that point on, you can state that it's ridiculous to camp at someone's house with a baby and that you will invite IL and Parents as it suites depending on how you feel, who is available etc.

Stop letting other people call the shots with your body/baby and family.

I worry intensely that this is the start of twattishness, your comment stating hat you hoped that your marriage to him would kick start him into fighting your corner particularly.... you can't change people. You ought to have assumed he would NEVER step up and fight your corner if he never did it before.

I'd not go ANYWHERE with my baby with a bloke who said that I'd/we'd never be his priority... he could go and spend christmas, easter and every festival known to human kind with his family for that kind of comment.

Dig your heels in, know that YANBU and that he is being OUTRAGEOUSLY unfair to YOU under the guise of sucking up to pleasing his Mother.

Thanks happy - we did have an issue with MIL trying to blackmail me (on the day of our engagement and the day after!) in to having her four nieces as bridesmaids/flower girls. I was pretty upset at the time, actually very, as I saw it as unacceptable interfering in our wedding and ultimately or marriage. Her timing was particularly off too - kind of trying to get first dibs in too.

DH - didn't get it to start with but he did after I explained shouted and cried and told MIL to back off. To be fair, she has and we have a pretty good relationship til now. Nonart of the reason I am reacting so badly to all of this is that I see it as a repeat of the wedding thing and I had hoped that DH would fight my corner as he did before.

I think you were being enormously generous (and maybe optimistic) in inviting them to your house and pre preparing Christmas dinner a few short weeks after your child is born and you have no idea what state you will be in.

That would be off my list now due to H's attitude.

I would be telling him that baby and I would be having a quiet time at home which he is welcome to be part of but if he invites a single person over the door step and expects me to service them with food/drink/polite conversation I would be fucking off either to an hotel or my parents with the baby.

I actually think that any parent or in law that wanted this off someone who had recently given birth is a selfish twat too.

He can't force you into a car so just say you are not arguing about it.

I hope you sort it all out soon. You need to set your own rules now or you will as others say be dancing to his and his parents tune until your DC go to university!

PS from now on his parents = he deals with them, gets cards, presents remembers it all. Your parents = you do it. It does not magically become your job just because you have married him. You can send a card from you & bubs though.

Haven't read all the replies, but I have been in a similar situation. Two things, I suspect they have already been said:

1 - A new baby resets all existing traditions, arrangements and expectations.
2 - Regardless of how the baby is doing, if you have a cs you may well not be up toi a long car journey 3 weeks later. I can't comment on how you might fare if you have a vaginal birth as I haven't had one, but after my second cs last year I was distinctly uncomfortable as a passenger above 40 mph or so.

True, he can't force her into a car, but he has already 'warned' her of the consequences of her refusing to go. Never being 'allowed' to spend Christmas with her own sister again, or something like that.

Arse.