christmas\new baby\pils -aargh

[shinyblackgrape]

DH and I got married last year. We are expecting our first DC at the end of November. So, unless born on the due date, DC will be two - three weeks at Christmas.

When we got married, we agreed to spend alternate Christmases with our respective families. Last year was with my Parents as my mum and dad hosted our whole family last year. They do alternate years. My DSis is married too and has the same arrangements with her husband's family so we went last year to make sure we tied in with the year DSis was there toon

Obviously, we will have a very small baby this year. PILS live about 3 hours away. They live in a very nice house. However, it is small in thatbDH has to sleep in the lounge when we visit. I'm in a single room and there is only one bathroom

DH is very anal about the time spent with both families and wants to make sure it is exactly equal. Which I find a bit wearing to be honest. I had a great relationship with my grandparents (both sets) and saw them roughly equally but sometimes I saw one set slightly more than the other and vice versa - it was the natural ebb and flow. However, I don't remember anyone keeping notes or scores.

This year it is our turn to visit DH's parents. DH brought this up tonight and Ive said to him that I really don't think this will be feasible. I'll be establishing breast feeding, the baby will only be 2-3 weeks old and if I've had a c section to a rough birth, I could still be in pain.

I've proposed as an alternative that the PILs come here with sis in law as we have much more room and I'll be settled. I normally love cooking but I've said I won't be up to it so we will need to go out to eat. Which makes me a bit sad but MIL is not a good cook and PILs are of the variety who like to be "entertained" so don't do anything to help when they visit.

DH is furious, thinks I am being completely unfair, has said that both sets of grandparents (around85+) would need to come too - even though they don't spend Christmas with the PILs but are visited as they are very infirm. they would not manage our house well as it has lots of stairs and we only have 4 bedrooms.

I was hoping to suggest that my parents came too as they are a huge help and my mum would be able to do the coking some we could all stay at home at least. Howeverx, due to the reaction re the PILs, I've not. DH is now saying that we will discuss it nearer the time and he's sure I will be fit to go er etc. we don't go this year, we have to go the next year (which would have been the year with my family so could have seen my sister - so will never get to,spend Christmas with her, my nephew and bil ever again due to rotation)

I'm verging between anger and tears. I've always been good at sticking up for myself but now I'm pregnant, I actually feel incredibly vulnerable and almost scared about all this stress at a time when I really won't want it.

I also (perhaps stupidly) feel very let down by DH. I had hoped that his first thought would have been to domwhatbwas best for me and the baby. But it's not. It's to do what he thinks is fairest for my family as he calls them. Interestingly, DC and I don't form part of that grouping which I also find incredibly hurtful too

Do any of you have any tips how to resolve this. I can see it becoming an increasing problem through DC's life. DH, to be fair, is normally reasonable and rationale but this is a real hot button. Any attempts to discuss things are met with accusations of me trying to stop him seeing his family etc.

Just say no op, let the dh have the strop he will get over it in due course.
Bf whilst having family stay over could be very stressful not to mention all the other things that having a baby can entail.
You don't really want extra guests to clean up after whilst you have a new baby.
If you must let them stay your dh must set out ground rules or he must promise to clear up after them as well as cook dinner himself!!
You should be enjoying your new baby at that early stage not pandering to guests, personally i would tell the dh to f* off tbh

tell him it is your first christmas together as a family of 3, and you want to spend the day at home with him and the baby..

agree to go up to the inlaws for new year maybe.. and teach them all how to use skype in the meantime..

Travelling to PIL would be insanity.Your friend here is the advice that newborns spend the minimum of time in car seats. 3 hours is too long. If you plan to breastfeed, the baby will not have established a regular feeding pattern by then. You will be bleeding, leaking milk, totally knackered, bruised, and trying to get comfy in the car and your PIL house. Are they the type that would expect you to cook while they cuddled baby.

I would say to dh that it will be much better to do christmas at yours, buy in food, and pil visit for the day or he caters / housekeeps for them. A new baby is the perfect reason to change routines.

Well it's depressing me too yellow. Hence why I'd like to address it now. Rather than 2weeks after an emergency c section.

OK, no need to get snippy. Why not just forget it and do what you like? It's one day, it's really not a big deal.

I always feel horrifically claustrophobic in these threads, imagining being stuck in someone else's house trying to be polite and fit in with their ways in that frankly HIDEOUS but also extraordinary and unrepeatable time of your life.

Actually i do take that back ever so slightly. There is possibly a way to make this work in some way. What would it be like if you basically moved in? As in, take the baby and aaaaaaalll the stuff involved, and get your PILs to look after you? You as queen of the May upstairs in bed with the baby, a maternity nighty, a telly, a radio, 20 good books from the library, a phone and a lock on the door, them downstairs racing around doing Christmas and simultaneously, your washing, cooking etc? Would that be a goer? Imagining regular supplies of food being delivered on trays and regular naps for you as the baby is removed to be paraded around relatives?

You could present this to your DH as a possible option perhaps? As long as there is absolutely no truck with you having to appear downstairs with a rictus grin on your face to be regaled with tales of babyrearing practices of yesteryear?

Jesus Yellow, if you don't want to read the thread just hide it and leave the OP alone!

I'm hardly haranging the OP, I just think people could chill out a little bit about this kind of thing instead of stressing about ONE day, 6 months in advance.

Where did you spend your first DC's Christmas yellow? Do you have any practical tips?

joan - that would work at my parents' not at MIL's. Mil does not cook - she has never cooked a meal for me - bar toast for breakfast. All meals at their house when we are there are eaten out.

Joans idea sounds brill, cant the dh do the cooking?

Right, so.... the idea is that you go drive a long way to your PILs for Christmas for a meal out? 2 weeks after birth?

[depressed at your dh's sheer lack of imagination]

He must have SOME idea what it will be like, surely? It's hardly a secret that it's a tough time to go visiting?

Basically yes Joan. We have resumed our "discussion". I am goingbtomcall MIL to discuss. We need to see thecPILs more often etc etc. I have vpbeen updating MIL attire same time as my mum re midwife appointments as I found out that DH hadn't been doining that so suggested he started as a nice way if speaking to his mum more. Also suggested he arranged some trips etc. he doesn't have time to do either.

It's interesting, he has a grave sense of injustice about this perceived lack of time that we spend with his parents. However, it appears that it should be me arranging all the visits etc. it's actually impossible to speak to him rationally about this.

I have an idea, tell him to visit her alone at christmas.
He sounds v childish, remind him he wont be the one bleeding & in pain, breasfeeding and uncomfortable.

I had DS end of Nov, but made it very clear months in advance that we were having Christmas just the 3 of us. I think you need to sort it now so everyone is aware, and you don't suddenly drop it on the pils that you are not coming when they have already made plans.
DS wasn't in a routine that early on, so dinner was a lengthy affair interupted by bf sessions. Not a problem at all for me and DH, we just had a lovely relaxed day and opened presents as and when. The thought of being with a big group of people and fitting into their timings as well as establishing bf - it makes my blood run cold just thinking about it
Stay strong, I hope DH comes round.
By the way both sets of parents had visited before Christmas, so didn't feel I was depriving family of visitation rights.

I think you need to assert yourself - he can hardly have a problem with it as he seems to be more than willing to be assertive himself. Don't tiptoe around him asking if you can discuss it. Just say NO. You are not willing to commit to going anywhere 2 weeks after giving birth, however well it all goes, and neither are you prepared to discuss future years of rotations. You can concede that the general aim of future interactions with family is to be fair, but there will inevitably be some ebb and flow with that.
You're the one giving birth, so your wants/needs trump everyone else. The sooner he gets on board with that idea the better.

if he is leaving the arrangements to you then I think you should contact mil with your alternative plan of having them come over but with a suggestion that if they can't do it you will visit them early in the new year instead. Intead meaning that you will then have christmas with your own parents and sister (which you will arrange in 2013) as usual, then resume the one year on one year off thing.

I don't think it's too early to be thinking about this, sometimes it takes a long time to make your partner realise what it will be like.

I had a dec baby (due around 13th - born on 22nd) and had similar issues.

Be blunt and hormonal with your DH:

He is not spending 9months growing a baby then at least 12hrs pushing it out, he will not be leaking all sorts of body fluids (you and baby) for 6 weeks, feeling like he's just been hit by a bus and unable to walk from one end of the house to the other without feeling like he's going to collapse.

If he would like to experience all the above then he can go ahead and dictate what you 'may' be able to plan 3weeks after giving birth. But since it is you going through all of the above you will get what you want, when you want it and where you want it.

My baby's all slept pretty much all day/night for the first 2 weeks so I thought we were going to have it easy...then they 'woke up' just as paternity leave ended and sleep deprivation really kicked in. By the time I got to 3 weeks I'd had enough of everyone and just wanted to be totally and utterly alone.

pumpkin and inertia - thank you. All good suggestions.

I think I'm going to cut DH out of this and speak to MIL directly.

I feel calmer now as I know that I am not going and neither is DC. No one can force us so that's the end of that.

If DH wants to go there for Christmas, fine. I'll feel,sad for him that he'll miss DC's first Christmas - but his choice.

If you are keen on protecting your Christmas next year (when sil and dn will be three) then I'd buy Christmas in this year at your house. Cook (www.cookfood.net) do pretty much the whole meal, which all you have to do is chuck in the oven. Even gravy. Normally I'm ok at catering but we went away this year and the timings weren't great in terms of being able to get to shops and buy ingredients and so on for the family meal, so I just got the works derived on the 23rd ready for the 25th. Was fine.

Your husband can cater (all Hesiod need is a bit of paper with the timings for when to chuck bird/potatoes in oven etc and I'm sure he's capable of working this it for himself, and you just sit on sofa with quality street and tv remote and the baby. He can sort out the entertaining, the drinks, the snacks and so on while you eat and relax.

And then next year you can head off to your parents safe in the knowledge that you've stuck to the alternate years deal.

Though we haven't done the alternate years thing for ages, perhaps 5 or so years. Don't know quite how it happened but pils gone off the organisation of it and they go to dbil and dsil on Christmas day and we go to my mum's or my my mum and brothers/sil come to ours (or we all go away like last year).

there not three

And actually, this is the perfect example of why the "alternate years" plan is to be avoided at all costs. My sister set out her stall on the subject early on, and we've (DH and I) followed suit. Not that it's that simple with 3 siblings anyway. But we do it on a flexible basis - the unwritten rule is that no set of parents will ever be left alone for Christmas, but who spends when with whom for how long and where, depends on what I want a whole range of factors.
Luckily all the Ps and ILs are easy-going and willing to go along with the flow.

Absolutely do not agree to go anywhere so soon after the birth. You may not even be up to a full day out at that stage. 3 hour journey alone is hard enough - you will have to stop and feed. You need to be firm.

I don;t think you should be stressing about this now, it's way too early. It may be easier for everyone to understand when you are visibly pregnant and the birth feels more real.

Oh, just go!

But tell him

1. you'll need to put the washing machine on every morning from the heavy lochia-bleed that will turn his mum's sheets red.
2. No one will get any sleep as the baby will still be in the 'what am I doing here' stage and completely unsettled and the cries go through any walls known to man...
3. You'll probably be in your 'jamas all day as finding the time to have a shower is nigh on impossible
4. You will alternate between hugging everyone every five minutes and crying like a loon as your hormones are all over the place.
5. You might need to send out Pil/DH/any random neighbour to the all-night chemist because you need breastpads/lansinoh/emergency antibiotics for your infected stitches
6. You may need the HV to visit as the baby's latch is painful
7. You might need to visit the GP as your baby's cord stump is infected and smelly
8. You might need to visit the paeditrician at the hospital as your baby hasn't pooed for two weeks.
9. You might need to call Breastfeeding counsellor as perhaps MiL or even your own mother will be giving you the 'just give the baby a bottle face" whilst you are crying over how hard BFing is.

10. Oh - and you might need to send DH to the late night garage to buy your presents as in the chaos that is a new born baby you didn't buy anything for auntie Elsie 11. and you might need to buy some carpet cleaner as the baby suddenly did decide to do a poo and it went through two baby-gros and the playmat...

Merry Christmas one and all
(all the above happened to me at one point - it might be that you have a very very easy baby)