christmas\new baby\pils -aargh

[shinyblackgrape]

DH and I got married last year. We are expecting our first DC at the end of November. So, unless born on the due date, DC will be two - three weeks at Christmas.

When we got married, we agreed to spend alternate Christmases with our respective families. Last year was with my Parents as my mum and dad hosted our whole family last year. They do alternate years. My DSis is married too and has the same arrangements with her husband's family so we went last year to make sure we tied in with the year DSis was there toon

Obviously, we will have a very small baby this year. PILS live about 3 hours away. They live in a very nice house. However, it is small in thatbDH has to sleep in the lounge when we visit. I'm in a single room and there is only one bathroom

DH is very anal about the time spent with both families and wants to make sure it is exactly equal. Which I find a bit wearing to be honest. I had a great relationship with my grandparents (both sets) and saw them roughly equally but sometimes I saw one set slightly more than the other and vice versa - it was the natural ebb and flow. However, I don't remember anyone keeping notes or scores.

This year it is our turn to visit DH's parents. DH brought this up tonight and Ive said to him that I really don't think this will be feasible. I'll be establishing breast feeding, the baby will only be 2-3 weeks old and if I've had a c section to a rough birth, I could still be in pain.

I've proposed as an alternative that the PILs come here with sis in law as we have much more room and I'll be settled. I normally love cooking but I've said I won't be up to it so we will need to go out to eat. Which makes me a bit sad but MIL is not a good cook and PILs are of the variety who like to be "entertained" so don't do anything to help when they visit.

DH is furious, thinks I am being completely unfair, has said that both sets of grandparents (around85+) would need to come too - even though they don't spend Christmas with the PILs but are visited as they are very infirm. they would not manage our house well as it has lots of stairs and we only have 4 bedrooms.

I was hoping to suggest that my parents came too as they are a huge help and my mum would be able to do the coking some we could all stay at home at least. Howeverx, due to the reaction re the PILs, I've not. DH is now saying that we will discuss it nearer the time and he's sure I will be fit to go er etc. we don't go this year, we have to go the next year (which would have been the year with my family so could have seen my sister - so will never get to,spend Christmas with her, my nephew and bil ever again due to rotation)

I'm verging between anger and tears. I've always been good at sticking up for myself but now I'm pregnant, I actually feel incredibly vulnerable and almost scared about all this stress at a time when I really won't want it.

I also (perhaps stupidly) feel very let down by DH. I had hoped that his first thought would have been to domwhatbwas best for me and the baby. But it's not. It's to do what he thinks is fairest for my family as he calls them. Interestingly, DC and I don't form part of that grouping which I also find incredibly hurtful too

Do any of you have any tips how to resolve this. I can see it becoming an increasing problem through DC's life. DH, to be fair, is normally reasonable and rationale but this is a real hot button. Any attempts to discuss things are met with accusations of me trying to stop him seeing his family etc.

Sorry - meant to say thank you to everyone making sensible suggestions for meeting up at a later time. This would obviously be great if I was dealing with a sensible, rationale person but as I am not, none of these will be acceptable.

I've always had a pretty good relationship with the PILs, however the sad thing is that DH is actually at risk of seriously undermining that with the carry on that we have had over Christmas.

I can't remember who asked but only time that both of us spend with the PILs counts towards DH's carefully calibrated calculations of a fair division of time. This is despite the fact that I am quite happy to spend time with my parents on my own.

We got married last year and my Mum basically organised the whole wedding (at our request). Obviously, I had to spend time doing that and DH came along to food tastings etc. He has now revealed that we need to make up that time that we spent with my parents organising our wedding in terms of time with his parents so we are seriously in deficit in any event

I've been half joking up the thread about divorce but I really don't think I can actually live like this.

"He has now revealed that we need to make up that time"

Hahahahahahaha!

Does any of this come from his mum or is it all him?

He seems determined to do everything for her but at your expense.

Oh dear. This isn't about Christmas at all is it?

If this were my dh, I think I would have to just take the piss out of him - you know, counting out peas on the plate "to be fair" and timing how long he was in the shower for "to be fair," but I don't seriously recommend it. Your relationship is clearly different.

But it might be worth pointing out that you (and the baby!) will probably be seeing your sister and family every Christmas from now on, once you've left him over his childish pettiness.

Diddl - to be fair. I do think that MIL cooks at Christmas but she is not a very good cook. I do think if we go she might suggest that we go out. Which would probably be marginally better than staying in as then at least we could all have a seat (living room would be too small for that at the moment).

Part of the problem is that MIL and PIL (who are very nice) genuinely have no friends at all. They didn't have any friends or acquaintainces to invite to our wedding, although we make it clear that they could have anyone that they wanted.

They are incredibly inwardly focussed on their family (i.e. their two children) and rely on them for a social life. Therefore, when we go and see them, we always go out for meals as that is the time that they get to go out.

It was a significant wedding anniversary for them a few years ago. However, as they didn't have any friends to have a party with (their words), DH, his sister and her then boyfriend and me had to go on a cruise with them (we paid!). Therefore, that was our summer holiday that year.

To be fair to PILs, it's not as though they are on our door step every week. They are not. However, I think that DH feels a very strong obligation to them because of this.

My parents are totally different in that they have a very active social life so I just find the whole thing so claustrophobic and stiffling.

"He has now revealed that we need to make up that time"

Did you really witness him saying that without laughing out loud?! Tell him to listen to himself and ask him how old he is.

Can I just point out that it is ONLY this issue that DH seems to have a problem with fairness. Apart from this, he is really kind and generous and easygoing gets on very well with my parents, my sister and brother in law.

This is why I find the whole thing so hard to deal with as he turns in to a total bastard idiot about the whole thing and I can't work out what is causing it as it contrary to his general personality

"You had to go on a cruise with them"!!! OMFG!! who told you you "had" to go?? Im sorry but your dh is beginning to sound more and more like a complete arse. You have my utmost sympathy as I have struggled with inlaws for years.

You really must nip this in the bud-NOW.

"To be fair to PILs, it's not as though they are on our door step every week."

They won´t mind making the journey at Christmas then, will they?

And to say that he will make it so that you don´t see your sister again at Christmas-sorry, but that´s really nasty.

Can´t believe he thought it-let alone voiced it.

Sorry - just realised that it probably looks like I am massively drip feeding here but I just wanted to give some more background so it didn't look like I was ignoring good advice

It's interesting, he has a grave sense of injustice about this perceived lack of time that we spend with his parents. However, it appears that it should be me arranging all the visits etc. = "wifework"

This is totally ridiculous: "However, due to my "selfishness" I will then never get to spend Christmas with my sister etc again as he will "insist" that the year after is spent with his parents and the rotation will start after that."

I know this is not at all what you want - but you could say you'll see your PIL two years running and then "start" the rotation .

I actually think that your bigger issue by far is going to be pressure to see you PIL due to you spending time with your parents. Fairly likely that a woman on mat leave may see more of her own mother (geography allowing). Does your DH never see his parents on his own whilst you do your own thing?

You need to do something. Fast.

What's going to happen when the baby is born? You'll be facing schedules and rotations for grandparent visits, not to mentio his/her birthday, school events etc.

It's going to be mental.

Also IMO as you have DC and create your own family you need to let go of racing off back to your parental homes like university students trying to recreate your own childhood Christmases. Our generation needs to step up and take over Christmas. We hosted this year and the relief in my mothers voice when I said I didn't get why we always went to theirs or ILs when my sister and I have our own families and family sized houses and now its our turn to host, as my mother had hosted her parents and ILs for decades. Also logistically so much easier an able bodied couple to travel than a young family with all the baby kit/stockings presents etc. And its nice for your own DC to have memories of Christmas at home. Thats just my opinion though.

Your DH sounds as if he is behaving rather oddly though seems Christmas is the least of your worries.

I have been reading this as my 2nd dc is due this December and we have had a slight hiccup as I was expected to host Christmas dinner this year. We have now spoken to my dmum who is absolutely fine with it and said she would cook at mine (since reading this thread I have realised I'd rather we were alone, but I know she will be fine with that too), luckily we don't have the in law problem as every time we ask them they say no!!!

I would say this has grown into a bigger problem than it needs to be, you need to speak to your MIL asap as your DH is struggling with some imaginary loyalty system. I'm hoping for your sake that this will stop after you have your DC. I'm sure if your MIL is nice she will totally understand and then all pressure will be taken off you for now, obviously you still need to let your DH know he can't dictate what you do but you will have time to do that.

OMG strawberry - how lucky are you with the ever refusing PILs! Mine are like the poor - aye with us!

I spoke to my mum en route home and she managed to fan me down. She really is fantastic by saying that DH is not the ultimate arbiter and can't force me in to a car. If PILs come - fine. I just do my own thing and ask PILs to make me lots of cups of tea/put the sheets on their beds etc.

My parents and PILS are coming to visit at the end of July hopefully so we can all discuss then and Mum has said she will pretend she thinks that DH is joking if he mentions going to PILs and then explain why that wouldn't be feasible with lots of references to nipples and episiotomies and bleeding whilst encouraging MIL to agree.

It has helped but I'm still pretty pissed off that my mum is having to fight my corner. Once we got married, I kind of hoped that would be DH.

About the wedding time thing, according to you OP your DH did not in fact spend a lot of time with your parents planning your wedding. Therefore according to my calculations (and I'm an accountant ) for the sake of fairness, your DH needs to spend a whole lot of time with his parents and you turn up for a feed and then go home.

Having had a couple of children, I can say I really really really could not go anywhere after the birth of my first child, during the first week apart from the stitches rendering me unable to walk or sit for long I was rushed to hospital suffering a post partum haemorrhage, I nearly died. I also bled insanely for a month and the only place I wanted to be was the bath tub in warm salt water soaking my poor battered and bleeding hoohah. I also spent a lot of time topless trying to get the isnanely colicky child to feed.

Can't he go to his parents and your parents can come over and cook for you letting you stay in bed getting to grips on breastfeeding and catching up on precious sleep.

I'd refuse to enter into any discussions of fairness, if he wants to spend time with his parents he can, you have a desire to be comfortable at home which is perfectly valid. It's not like you're refusing to allow your IL's to come to you either. You're husband sounds just a bit crazy.

Oh lord it sounds so much like my ex MIL - no real friends of her own near where she lived so her children made up her entire social life (and despite owning dogs she had not so much as walked down the footpath to the end of the field behind the house- the most insular & inward looking person I've ever met).

• obsessive about the amount of time we spent with her - Boxing Day was just as important as Christmas day to her. One time when we'd spent Christmas with her, I had the opportunity to see my family, including my small nephews, on Boxing day.

My exBF said I couldn't go, as his mother would be offended if I didn't stay there till Boxing day. I didn't get to spend Christmas with my nephews until after my ex had finished with me. Still hate the exMIL for that: I'll never get back those Christmases when they were really little.

I bthink foot down, new babies change the rules ! We had always done alternate xmases (well, with a few alterations necessary when I was rotaed to work), but dd2 was due 11th dec and so made it clear that I was going nowhere. She was dc2 and ds1 was an uncomplicated normal delivery but even so, i was sure i would not want to be travelling 3 plus hrs and staying in someone else's home.
We have allowed that event to set a new precedent whereby xmas is always the 4 of us at home ,with both sets of parents welcome to come and stay if they wish. Absolutely marvellous and means no hideous journeys all over the country with dc who just want to be at home with their new toys. Good luck.
As for "equal" treatment, well, your dh has to get the principle of fairness rather than equality, imho!

We just cannot discuss this rationally. Another conversation degenerated in to a huge argument because, if we do not go to PILs this year, we are going next year. Despite the fact I won't get to see my sister again at Christmas if we do that. Because that is fair. Even though it is manifestly and clearly not.

I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones but I'm just in floods and floods of tears. I genuinely cannot go on like this. I'm wondering if we're going to need to separate as I cannot go on this upset whilst being pregnant. I just feel,so vulnerable when I'm usually really good at sticking up for myself and I am not a crier. I just feel like I'm quickly losing all respect for DH and it's just so clear that DC and I are not anywhere near the top of his list of priorities. Let alone number 1.

I can't actually believe this. Fucking hell.

marshmallow - why are people like this? Why would you want people to be forced to spend time with you/impose yourself on people like that?

But what would he do if you just said nope. And did as you wanted?

It is not your fault your in laws are socially inapt and have no friends of social life.

Tell you DH that if his parents do not come to you then they miss out on "their year" and you will Christmas with them again 2014, better still do what I did and refuse to leave your home at Christmas once the baby arrives, if people wanted to spend Christmas with us then they came to me as I was not going to drag my children from pillow to post every Christmas

Oh shiny I really feel for you. I'm sure that like most men who act this way when their partner is pg with pfb (including my dh) he will look back in a years time and realise what a prick he was being.

Please try to look after yourself, go away for the night if you need to. I hope things work out for you and your family.

He'd probably just invite them here - every single year. And they'd come.

We wouldn't have much, if any, of a marriage.

I just feel like I want to get away now though. To somewhere nice and calm on my own. Where I can just focus on me and DC.

How about shifting the discussion away from "turns" and "fairness" and focus it on what else is going on here - that you feel marginalised from his priorities and that his concerns should be all about the health and well-being of his wife and child, yet they're not. Don't let him deviate back to "but it's my parents' turn. Keep bringing it back to the fact that you should be his priority. Why aren't you?

Your DH is being really unfair and I am sure that his feelings will change when baby arrives!

For what it is worth, I had DD3 at beginning of December - I made the mistake of inviting inlaws for Xmas day and ended up doing ALL the cooking to very little thanks from PILs.

The next day, I decided I needed to travel 200 miles to see my own parents and rest of my family - so we all travelled the distance. I was waited on hand and foot by my family and had a fabulous time!

PILs are difficult, but your DH really ought to be on your side here! We laugh about it now, I really hope you get past this.