christmas\new baby\pils -aargh

[shinyblackgrape]

DH and I got married last year. We are expecting our first DC at the end of November. So, unless born on the due date, DC will be two - three weeks at Christmas.

When we got married, we agreed to spend alternate Christmases with our respective families. Last year was with my Parents as my mum and dad hosted our whole family last year. They do alternate years. My DSis is married too and has the same arrangements with her husband's family so we went last year to make sure we tied in with the year DSis was there toon

Obviously, we will have a very small baby this year. PILS live about 3 hours away. They live in a very nice house. However, it is small in thatbDH has to sleep in the lounge when we visit. I'm in a single room and there is only one bathroom

DH is very anal about the time spent with both families and wants to make sure it is exactly equal. Which I find a bit wearing to be honest. I had a great relationship with my grandparents (both sets) and saw them roughly equally but sometimes I saw one set slightly more than the other and vice versa - it was the natural ebb and flow. However, I don't remember anyone keeping notes or scores.

This year it is our turn to visit DH's parents. DH brought this up tonight and Ive said to him that I really don't think this will be feasible. I'll be establishing breast feeding, the baby will only be 2-3 weeks old and if I've had a c section to a rough birth, I could still be in pain.

I've proposed as an alternative that the PILs come here with sis in law as we have much more room and I'll be settled. I normally love cooking but I've said I won't be up to it so we will need to go out to eat. Which makes me a bit sad but MIL is not a good cook and PILs are of the variety who like to be "entertained" so don't do anything to help when they visit.

DH is furious, thinks I am being completely unfair, has said that both sets of grandparents (around85+) would need to come too - even though they don't spend Christmas with the PILs but are visited as they are very infirm. they would not manage our house well as it has lots of stairs and we only have 4 bedrooms.

I was hoping to suggest that my parents came too as they are a huge help and my mum would be able to do the coking some we could all stay at home at least. Howeverx, due to the reaction re the PILs, I've not. DH is now saying that we will discuss it nearer the time and he's sure I will be fit to go er etc. we don't go this year, we have to go the next year (which would have been the year with my family so could have seen my sister - so will never get to,spend Christmas with her, my nephew and bil ever again due to rotation)

I'm verging between anger and tears. I've always been good at sticking up for myself but now I'm pregnant, I actually feel incredibly vulnerable and almost scared about all this stress at a time when I really won't want it.

I also (perhaps stupidly) feel very let down by DH. I had hoped that his first thought would have been to domwhatbwas best for me and the baby. But it's not. It's to do what he thinks is fairest for my family as he calls them. Interestingly, DC and I don't form part of that grouping which I also find incredibly hurtful too

Do any of you have any tips how to resolve this. I can see it becoming an increasing problem through DC's life. DH, to be fair, is normally reasonable and rationale but this is a real hot button. Any attempts to discuss things are met with accusations of me trying to stop him seeing his family etc.

I think your DH needs to understand how much giving birth and having a new baby is a change and upheavel. Do you have a female friend or relative, that has been through it that could explain to him by any chance! It seems like he may not understand as it is hard.
I remember going to my local supermarket two weeks postpartum, and finding even the task of shopping in a small village a bit overwhelming, it took me six weeks to go into town. I think that for this year you need to be the one that gets visited. And then how about make it up by visiting pils when your baby is a few months old and swing by the grandparents then. Just for this christmas though I think you are right to stay on your own terrirotry, its also not in the interests of your baby either.
I think the person who complained about you worrying so far ahead was pretty insenstivie too, I was exactly like you, worrying about the logisitics of how things would work with family months ahead, there's nothing wrong with making sure you have a cosy nest for your new arrival!

oh second the person who says three hours is too long for a newborn in a car seat, it would not be safe!

If both your PILs have elderly parents who expect to be visited on Xmas day, I imagine that's an obligation they'd feel it was very hard to get out of, even if they'd rather be with their grandchild.

Perhaps they could spend time with their parents in the morning & drive down in time for late lunch with you? That way you have a bit of quiet at-home time with no visitors.

My exMIL played all the passive aggressive games at Xmas - she really resented it when we went to my parents on alternate years & would take any chance for a snide comment or dig at me over it, 'Christmas last year was so flat', 'why don't you ask your parents to come here and we'll all do Christmas together next time', 'it must be so different at your parents, they don't really celebrate Christmas, do they?' - yes, they do, they just don't turn it into a massive high-pressure nightmare like you do!

The one year I broke the tradition - I spent Xmas with my parents because my mum had been ill - my ex went to his parents on his own & the next year we BOTH had to go back to his parents, even though it was technically my parents 'turn'.

Anyway, you definitely don't want to be travelling long distances with a 3 week old baby. The PIL will just have to find a way round this!

I was over 2 wk late AND had an emsc. Regardless of that at 2-3 weeks I would be firmly stopping at home. Family would be welcome but there'd be no friggen way I'd be cooking for everyone. Sorry but newborn and breast feeding at that stage is bloody relentless. (thats without adding very sore scar not being able to walk round freely etc) With it all being new I hadn't found a way to bf subtly so there was no way I was doing it in front of family. If Youve got bf sussed great if not ul be tucked away in a room gettin the Job done which would be an excuse to stay away from the madness!!!!

I have a feeling the OP may have stopped worrying about her PIL and started worrying about all the horrendous stories listed above!

OP- Remind your DH that many cultures give women a month after giving birth before they are expected to leave the house or do any sort of chores. There is a reason for this!

I gave birth on December 3rd last year. We travelled down to Birmingham for Christmas. It was fine and, on reflection, a lot easier doing the journey than it is now!

Don't go if you don't want to but don't write it off completely.

Just realised you don't know where I live! To Birmingham from Gateshead

Hello

I had a very similar situation with DP getting SO emotional about going to see his parents (250 miles away) 6 weeks after having twins between Christmas and New Year. I didn't want to even attempt it but he was so furious and upset about me saying I didn't want to. In the end the PIL asked me if I wanted to come and I said honestly, not really but he really wants to and I think they took it on board and so bought loads of stuff so that when we got there was as easy as possible. In the end it was such a great rest! However I guess I was lucky they did that.

So back to this year as We had a similar agreement of alternate years..... He said it was his parents turn for Christmas day etc.... I have said yes as babies will be 13 months and not really know what's going on but that I wanted all our other Christmases to be at home in our own house etc.... as for children that's my idea of Christmas. He took this as me cutting his parents out - even though I said they could join - so I took matters into my own hands and spoke to them directly. I said we would come this year but after that, we would be staying home at Christmas and they can join with my parents if they wanted with people staying in the b and b down the road.

They understood perfectly, said that children should be home at Christmas and hey presto! Done! I then let DP know it was all sorted and that his parents thought I was right and all he said was "oh". And that was the end of it.

I hope you will find that you PIL understand far better than him and I think as long as it looks like you are being "flexible" to him, if they are ok with it, should be sorted fine.

It's so odd what people get het up about. My DP is generally calm and easy enough but this was one of those out of the blue hot potatoes. Good luck!

You're totally right by the way and not being unreasonable at all. It would be madness to have any plan at all!

We took DD to PILs for 2 nights when she was about 5 wks old - i'd had a C section but was certainly feeling fine, more or less, by then.

DD slept through the 2 hr journey no trouble, but just being in a strange place for 2 nights did disrupt her sleep a lot; she was very cross and grizzly when we got home and it took another 2 days for everything to settle back down again.

Ahhhh op what a nightmare for u. At that age it was taking me 45-1hr 30 mins to feed my dd, to do it all over again 2 hours later! And could only get the position right laying down. And also with emergency c sec, not lifting etc is a nightmare!

We said once we had children, we were staying home, and everyone was welcome to us. But I really didn't want to cook year gone (dd was 3 1/2 months) so we went to my parents (as was their 'turn') but dinner was very disrupted. Think I finally finished my meal an hour after they did cos of feeding etc! And we just needed to get home at about 4 (normally love the fun evening games we get up to there) as dd hadn't napped all day with all the commotion. Sod that.... Stay at home.

Oh and btw my mum us so accommodating and helpful. If ur pil are not, don't even consider it! Get dh to cook, and invite them over. Xxx

"DH is a terrible cook and, with the best will in the world, even if he promised to heat everything up, I know he would still be asking me every 10 seconds what to do and I can't face that and his sketchy clearing up."

Well he can start practicing then, can´t he?

Oh heavens. I know its not the right thing to do, but I would just say, "Sure! We'll go to your parents!" then when the time came just say, "Well, this is terrible, but I don't think I can manage to go anywhere with such a new baby, and all the stitches, and the steriiiser, and the bath, and the moses basket, and the monitor, and the room thermometer, and the nappies, and bottles, and all the changes of clothes, and the being up all night. What a shame." but there again, it would have REALLY annoyed me if DH and PILs refused to listen to reason in advance.

Have you suggested the weasther might also be a problem? Snow? Ice?
The first year we were going to travel to inlaws with baby (not so tiny though) it snowed and we cancelled.
Mil was not impressed and thought we should still venture up but we were not going to risk it.

Your DH is being a bit of a prick, but you are being unfair too if you expect him to miss his family turn completely.

I think your compromise of allowing his family to come to you is very kind under the circumstances, and he is being a prick if he can't see that.

I would suggest that here on in you alternate parents and a year at home on a 3 year roatation.

I don't think the issue is just Christmas, it's his rather anal obsession about fairness. I would go with the poster that said: his family, his time and energy. Don't start being the family manager for his family and sending cards, going on trips, whilst he gets away with not doing this. In our family, we each deal with our own, if my husband hasn't bought any presents at Xmas for them, they don't get any and likewise, he doesn't buy for mine. If you take on the mantle of family organiser now you will be expected to manage his closeness with his family for the next 40 years.

I hasten to add that we are not that divisive about it, we usually chat about what he's bought his mum or what I should get for my dad, and we do visit each other's families. However, the primary responsibility for contacting his family say with phone calls, cards, visits, is his to arrange, we then are happy to go along with what each other has decided.

And, personally I think family turns go out of the window when you have your own family. If you want to spend 10 Christmas days in your own home with your own family, just do it (and let the IL's visit or go on Boxing Day if you want to). I hate all this sacrificial family duty, I'd rather not be anyone's 'turn' but see them whenever they can make it.

OP: how do you get on with PILs? Is they've done previously that you need to take into account. Or is this difficulty simply your DH's problem?

I hope for your sake there is no additional background, and that you and Pls can cook up a plan with which you are all happy, then DH can be told by all sides to snap out of it.

Op-you need to nip this in the bud now-I have had 16 years of this shit!! last year I put my foot down and told dh we were staying at home. He was furious and threatened to still go to his mums-I told him to go ahead!

Turned out mil was poorly over xmas anyway but I know she is going to make a HUGE fuss when she realises we will be staying at home for xmas ad infinitum!!

Speak to your mil-I ended up telling mine myself as dh was too much of a pussy to do it.

I´m wondering-these husbands-would they actually prefer to be with their mummy than wife and baby?

Or is it simpler to say no to wife as she won´t fuss as much?

Could you arrange some kind of alternative celebration/meet up later in the year? Burns night? First day of spring?

(I am glad you are not going to go, OP. This is the right choice!)

Hi All - sorry for the delay in responding. Been at work.

DH has tried to gloss over matters last night and I did try not to think about things but I've hardly slept at all so I'm exhausted.

Unfortunately, bad timing I got drawn in to discussions this morning as DH said that we should just "cancel Christmas". I got the wrong end of the stick and thought he meant that we could spend Christmas together, just the three of us. He has said we can do that. However, due to my "selfishness" I will then never get to spend Christmas with my sister etc again as he will "insist" that the year after is spent with his parents and the rotation will start after that. Cue shouty argument just before leaving for work. It then took about 4 hours for my blood pressure to return to normal and I have had a return of the dreadeded morning sickness or the stress has just upset my tummy.

I'm completely fed up to the back teeth of this now and, I have to say, I'm seriously considering sleeping in the spare room as I'm exhausted and just want a quiet night. I'm also absolutely furious with him and dark thoughts of divorce have been going through my head today. See how you like a Judge telling you where and when you can spend Christmas every year for the next 18 years at least!

Generally, we do get on very well. I don't think that DH is abusive etc but it is impossible to discuss this rationally with him.

I spoke to my mum and she thinks that I shouldn't have actually discussed this him last night but just smiled and nodded without agreeing to anything and then, when the time comes, I would just have been unable to go. PILs could have come to us and I could have holed myself up in the bedroom. If DH doesn't cook or clean - too bad for them.

However, too late to back track now. I'm furious and seriously considering phoning MIL tonight. However, I don't think that would be wise. They are coming to visit at the end of July with my parents so we can have a full and frank discussion at that time I think. However, I am not going to PILs. End of story.

Just looked back at OP.

If ILs haven´t got room, that´s that really, isn´t it?

You´ve invited them to yours & they either say yes or no.

So if you go to them for Christmas, you always eat out?

Have they never had a Christmas lunch at home, then?

Sounds awful-& time to start some Christmas traditions of your own.

When we were still in England, we always had Christmas at home.

Christmas Day just the 3 then 4 of us, open house all day for all parents on Boxing Day.

He sounds really spiteful.

I´d let him fuck off to his parents every Christmas from now on!

At least a consideration could be given to one with yours, one with ILs, one at home.