christmas\new baby\pils -aargh

[shinyblackgrape]

DH and I got married last year. We are expecting our first DC at the end of November. So, unless born on the due date, DC will be two - three weeks at Christmas.

When we got married, we agreed to spend alternate Christmases with our respective families. Last year was with my Parents as my mum and dad hosted our whole family last year. They do alternate years. My DSis is married too and has the same arrangements with her husband's family so we went last year to make sure we tied in with the year DSis was there toon

Obviously, we will have a very small baby this year. PILS live about 3 hours away. They live in a very nice house. However, it is small in thatbDH has to sleep in the lounge when we visit. I'm in a single room and there is only one bathroom

DH is very anal about the time spent with both families and wants to make sure it is exactly equal. Which I find a bit wearing to be honest. I had a great relationship with my grandparents (both sets) and saw them roughly equally but sometimes I saw one set slightly more than the other and vice versa - it was the natural ebb and flow. However, I don't remember anyone keeping notes or scores.

This year it is our turn to visit DH's parents. DH brought this up tonight and Ive said to him that I really don't think this will be feasible. I'll be establishing breast feeding, the baby will only be 2-3 weeks old and if I've had a c section to a rough birth, I could still be in pain.

I've proposed as an alternative that the PILs come here with sis in law as we have much more room and I'll be settled. I normally love cooking but I've said I won't be up to it so we will need to go out to eat. Which makes me a bit sad but MIL is not a good cook and PILs are of the variety who like to be "entertained" so don't do anything to help when they visit.

DH is furious, thinks I am being completely unfair, has said that both sets of grandparents (around85+) would need to come too - even though they don't spend Christmas with the PILs but are visited as they are very infirm. they would not manage our house well as it has lots of stairs and we only have 4 bedrooms.

I was hoping to suggest that my parents came too as they are a huge help and my mum would be able to do the coking some we could all stay at home at least. Howeverx, due to the reaction re the PILs, I've not. DH is now saying that we will discuss it nearer the time and he's sure I will be fit to go er etc. we don't go this year, we have to go the next year (which would have been the year with my family so could have seen my sister - so will never get to,spend Christmas with her, my nephew and bil ever again due to rotation)

I'm verging between anger and tears. I've always been good at sticking up for myself but now I'm pregnant, I actually feel incredibly vulnerable and almost scared about all this stress at a time when I really won't want it.

I also (perhaps stupidly) feel very let down by DH. I had hoped that his first thought would have been to domwhatbwas best for me and the baby. But it's not. It's to do what he thinks is fairest for my family as he calls them. Interestingly, DC and I don't form part of that grouping which I also find incredibly hurtful too

Do any of you have any tips how to resolve this. I can see it becoming an increasing problem through DC's life. DH, to be fair, is normally reasonable and rationale but this is a real hot button. Any attempts to discuss things are met with accusations of me trying to stop him seeing his family etc.

clam - I've tried. Apparently I am telling his parents to fuck off and DC and I will never be his first priority. His family is. Which we are not part of obviously or maybe DC will be. Who knows.

Normally, I'd be able to shout back and I'd be outraged. But I'm just in floods of tears. He's probably seen my crying about twice in our relationship and never like this. Strangely enough, it appears to have no effect on him. Not that I would do it for effect.

This is what is making me think this is so much bigger than Christmas.

Tell him to fuck off back to "his family" then.

What a vile nasty little man.

I agree with Rabid, if he cant put his wife and child first he isn't worth bothering with honey.
Tell him where to go, men like this make me laugh, they are truly like children themselves

Good God! I simply don't know what to say. he told you that you will never be his first priority?!

I don't know what to suggest. How can you be in a marriage "forsaking all others" if this is his attitude?

I'd be asking him what's "fair" about saying that his parents desire to see their son on Christmas day is more important than his wife's health, his child's health and his family well being?

You need to let it go about what happens in December 2013 - tell him you can't go to his parents this year, but if you invite them to you, he has to do the meal - I agree he can cope if you buy ready to bung in the oven food, you can write out a time table for him (Turkey in oven at X time, potatoes at Y time etc) surely he can cope with that? If his parents refuse your invite, then that's their decision, you have been fair to give them the opportunity to see their new grandchild first, if they choose not to, it's not up to you to compensate.

If they do turn you down and you spend Christmas with just the 3 of you (lovely!) then refuse to discuss Christmas 2013 now, have the argument about that year closer to it. There is no reason to do it now.

When your DC arrives, they will be his no. 1 priority, if they aren't then you have bigger problems and Christmas 2013 will be spend without him anyway...

I'm actually quite stunned at his 'you are not his family' comment.....marriage to me is starting off the foundations of a new family (if you don't have kids already) and while you will always love your parents/siblings/nieces/nephews etc - your priorities become the well being of your spouse and future children. Obviously he missed that chapter out of the book.....

"I will never be his first priority. His family is."

Good grief. THAT is the nub of your problem. Right there.

DO NOT allow that to stand OP. That was my parents. For 12 years we had to endure the only family holiday being to his parents and then my Dad would do seperately on his own. Everything was about his family and he basically went to work and ignored us the rest of the time. My Mum divorced him in the end and he went back to live there.

You need to set the record straight right now and if he cannot understand that you and your DC need to be his priority, he needs to get lost!

Hang on a minute - I think you are both worried about the same thing, but neither of you are able to express it well to one another. I don't think it is about Xmas/familes or anything really, it is about becoming a parent and the feeling of losing freedom of choice.

Don't leave the bastard (at least not yet!)

You need to have a sensible discussion with him. If you are crying when you don't normally then he is probably writing it off as hormones.

FWIW I would go to in laws and set up camp in the single room with the baby and only come out when I felt like it. I would make it clear to DH that he needed to bring food/take dirty clothes and bring them back clean/do any shopping trips/ring any medical professionals needed and arrange their visits/change bed as needed/ensure bathroom was free whenever you wanted it. That is not actually unreasonable. Surely your MIL is of an age where she would expect you to be doing this anyway.

Yes it will be a pain travelling but it will be nice to have no responsibility for hosting/shopping/cleaning/cooking/washing. Also, I prefereed DH to sleep in another room when dc were newborn as I was bf so he couldn't help much anyway and he might as well get some sleep.

It sounds to me like this is some sort of freak out about becoming a father. LIke Strawberry tall cake says, many men (my DH included) can be really twatty with a first pregnancy.

Doesn't make it any easier to deal with, especially not caring how upset you are. I would drop the subject for now, though, safe in the knowledge that I would be spoending Christmas where I wanted to with a newborn!

You know, I don't say this lightly, but I think I would be packing a bag and going back to my mum's for a few days. Radio silence. Let him sweat about where you are and what your future plans are. You have to make him see sense on this one - if you let it go, you're doomed for good.

I'd ask him calmly what sort of dad does he think he's going to be, because right now, you think he's not going to be as good a dad to your child as his dad's been to him. Does he think his dad would ever consider his mum and him to be his dad's 'family'? Tell him it's not about Christmas, you're worried he's going to be a good Dad and that makes you sad.

Jenski: "losing freedom of choice?" By committing them to alternate Christmasses for evermore and having to "make up time" to his parents because they spent a couple of extra Sunday lunches at hers while planning the wedding?
Funny way of showing it!

Clam has a good idea, can you go back to your parents for a few days? Have a break, rest,

Let him get on with it for a few days, do not speak to him.
He is being a dick and he needs to see it. As I said before put your foot down say from now on they come to you, his parents this year, yours next and so on, you will not drag your child here there and everywhere

I'm sure OP knows her DH and he has probably not changed that much - he has probably always been a mummy's boy, but OP is noticing it more now because it matters now!

I meant that he is probably worrying about being a 'Dad' himself, so running to safety. I'm sure he will get over it, he isn't the first. OP has to let it lie for a bit IMO, she can't let it get the better of her!

Have you tried asking him if ne know what a childish twat he sounds like?

Really don't let it stress you, there could be many reasons why you can't go, babies are very good at not arriving on their due date. You can smile and say yes dear now and then when it comes to it not go, he'll soon see how impractical it is. As you said initially, there's no room for you all.

It sounds as though you're both stressed and tired, try and do something nice together, you can discuss Christmas later on, but you know he can't make you go, but this has the danger of turning into something a lot bigger

This isn't about Christmas, and never was. He has told you that you will never be his priority, and that his parents are.

When somebody tells you who they are, believe them. Even if it is horrible and wrong and beggars belief and you want so so hard to believe they can change.

This is who he is, and these are his priorities.

What are yours?

"It sounds as though you're both stressed and tired, try and do something nice together, you can discuss Christmas later on"

That might have washed earlier on in the thread, but things have moved on since he's told her she's not his priority, his family is. Sweeping this under the carpet now is not an option, imo.

He's now backtracking furiously on the priority thing. So, at least he must understand that that is wrong.

Me going away is not going to be feasible as I would have to miss work and Imreally don't want to do that. We're both off next week and planning to go away but I would prefer if DH went on his own and then sorted out somewhere to stay for a while. I have calmed down and my last posts make me look like a mega troll who can't decide where to spend Christmas and then one page later is getting a divorce.

However, I do think that we need some space from each other. Even just to avoid the horrible shouty rows.

at 2-3 weeks I was still loosing large clots and being threatened with re-admission to hospital, BFing was not sorted yet, I did well to go out for a 20 min toddle or have someone round for a quick cup of tea, still needed quite a bit of privacy and space because of all the bleeding and the leaking...

If you are unlucky enough to have a colicey baby, it hits like a steam train at 3 weeks - its horrific! you do not need an audience when you CANNOT comfort your child and end up crying along with it

I was still swollen from the CS, didn't fit in most shoes, I was still on loads of drugs

DS still had jaundice which was still being monitored, we had to take him back to hospital for blood tests

I was not yet discharged by the MWs

hopefully it will be easier for you, but there it is that was me at 2-3 weeks!

(and I had a much easier recovery than most of my antenatal group, plus one of the least worrying newborns - he fed, he gained weight)

Him telling you that his family are his priority , and you and the baby will never be part of his family , is a really really big deal. Backtracking doesn't cut it here - he needs a serious rethink of his priorities. The Christmas thing is a part of this bigger picture - treating you and the baby as objects to be ferried about so the important people get a long enough turn with the toy.

It shouldn't be like this. It's meant to be fun and exciting, the start of a new chapter in your lives as you build your little family.

Isn't it your pils choice not to socialise beyond their children? Gosh. What a pressure.

Your dh is scared to tell them about Christmas. He is scared they will be disappointed in him. The guilt is far too much for him. That's why he's reacting so strongly - its easier to make you unhappy as he sees you as far more resilient when in fact you need your dh!

winky - I think you might have it in one.

Last year, PILs spent the day with SIL. MIL had fallen out with her mother (who is extremely toxic) so she and step father didn't come and visit.

To be fair, PILs only said a couple of times that it was a bit lonely but SIL really laid it on thick as I think she found it totally depressing. We left my parents in boxing day though and spent 3 days with PILs. It just feels that this is never enough.

Due to the rotation, my parents could actually be on their own this year as my aunty and uncle are spending thenday with their daughter who is married with children. However, my parents have told my sister and I not to worry etc etc. interestingly, they will have no family with them but they can just fuck off essentially as it is PILs turn. PILs couldn't come to my parents as they had grandparents to,visit which is understandable. But at least we made the effort to include them.

Sorry - rambling totaly now!