Now it's my turn girls

[Midwife99]

DH is leaving. He read out a statement in couples counselling telling me he is leaving me & DCs with all the details of the financial & practical arrangements as a done deal kind of situation. He has blamed me for it all. I didn't see it coming although there have been problems. I'm totally in shock. I still love him
but what can I do? I know that life goes on but still - totally devastated. No so wise now eh midwife?

Oh, Midwife - he isn't some poor wee lamb with no idea of how the world works. He met you, dated you, and married you - all of his own free will.

I sincerely doubt that the day after the honeymoon ended you pulled off your mask, like the monsters in scooby doo, and revealed that you're actually a controlling, vindictive bully. Did you?

He's decided he wants out, and he's decided to blame you for it. Fine. He can have his version of events, hell, he can shout it too the rooftops if he wants to. What he doesn't have is his own facts. The facts are: you never hid who you are or secretly revealed it at a later date. You weren't an arranged marriage ffs - he knew you!

It's now that he's decided he'd either (1) sooner get his leg over somewhere else or (2) like to stop making an effort and sit around in his pants on his own that he's decided the reinvent the history of your relationship.
Say it with me:
Whatthefuckever, loser.

He can have his little interpretation of it all, if he wants - he can have his fantasty where you were this terrible bully and he was this little mouse, a bloody saint - but I don't believe him. And don't you believe him either. If anything, you should be losing respect for him, the way he's chucking blame around rather than say: this isn't working, thanks for the good times, let's make this easy on each other. It's an immature, selfish, rather pathetic thing to do.

Yes it is pathetic. All the stuff he did & said is conveniently forgotten. The affair with his cousin, his secret texting afterwards, his neglect of me every night, the name calling, the sexual hang ups, the unfairness to step children in favour of his daughter, the blaming me for every negative thing he felt about everything, threatening to leave me repeatedly when I was pregnant & vulnerable. The list goes on.

Why do we put up with all this crap MW, and then feel so sad when we are finally released from it?

I think it's because our self esteem has been ground down by shitty men to the extent that we don't feel we deserve more. Plus of course we are always left holding the baby & that's scary. They swan off back to single life. We are always a parent first & foremost. We struggle to buy shoes & pay the bills. They keep most of their income for themselves. They can go out every night socialising, we sit in with the kids. That's why we put up with so much to stay married.

That's it MW. Having to start from scratch is a scary prospect and when you add to that the prospect of never having a man-hug again because you can't believe that anyone else will ever want you...

But we aren't worthless, the men who disrespect us and use us are the worthless ones, which we all know deep in our hearts, but we can't quite equate that to how we feel.

I suppose WRT to sitting in with the kids most nights - I am trying to think of that as a positive thing. I get to spend most nights chatting to my lovely articulate funny kids. He may well be at the pub or on his own, but he won't have me or them with him, so his loss. It seems like hard work to be left behind, but would you honestly want to trade places with him? I wouldn't.

I think you should hold onto everything you said in your post at 13:57.
Every time he blames you, every time you question if it was your fault. One day you will be able to look at your dcs and be proud of who they are because of what YOU did, not anyone else. They will always love you unconditionally and be so proud YOU stood by them, supported them and were always there for them.

Don't judge yourself by past relationships, they really don't matter now.

I think I'm going to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. The secret affair with the cousin that overlapped with our relationship prior to marriage that I found out about after we had our baby because he was STILL emailing phoning & texting her inappropriately. He withdrew sexual intimacy at that point but said it was because I was too fat. He refused to stop contacting her & let his parents believe I was unreasonable for not wanting him to see her.

What an absolute wanker. That is all. x

I've said it once and I'll say it again, midwife. He is a See You Next Tuesday.

Go for it, better than waiting two years.

Yep do it, then it will all be there in black and white.

Got an appointment with my solicitor 5th July.

go girl, get angry with his behaviour and attitude.

Write a long list of all his unreasonable behaviour to take with you to the solicitors. Perhaps you could post it as a statement on his facebook account...

So he's having an affair with his cousin? (Ew)
But YOU are bullying and controlling?

He's a right piece of work, isn't he?

From reading your posts it sounds like you on the other hand are bright, capable, funny and have real humility.
Good luck.

No as far as I know he isn't having an affair but he had one with his cousin that overlapped with the early months of our relationship which I never knew about. I found out after we were married & had a baby because they were still texting each other inappropriately. No evidence of adultery but unreasonable behaviour because he would not cut off contact with her & she was interfering in our relationship by telling him to leave me.

First cousins. His mum is her mum's sister!

Isn't that incest?!

I would say you have plenty more recent examples of unreasonable behaviour by the sound of it. Could you 'save' the cousin thing for the future so that you don't appear to be dragging things up from the past.

Or maybe mention about the inappropriate texting from an OW and her encouraging him to leave you, but don't say who it was, that way you'll have that in reserve for when the rest of it has died down and it will have more impact. As stuffit says, use that one to detonate amongst the family rather than in the legal stuff!

It could come across as 'shit-stirring' at the moment. I'm just trying to protect your dignity, as he may well use the fact that you've never had a problem with it until now, as being proof that it never happened and make you look like you're lashing out at him for leaving you.

Yes I know it's just sour grapes & they always shoot the messenger don't they. Feel so bleak today. My job is not easy when I spend all day every day with living couples. I know it's not really like that but it feels it today. Not feeling very dignified.

Loving!!

You are very dignified, I'm just trying to imagine how he could turn it around on you (we all know he will take every opportunity to do that, don't we?!)

Remember that revenge is a dish best served cold. By the time you get through this and out the other side, you will be so over him that you probably won't care what bollocks he's been up to with his cousin, and will wish they'd got it together and lived happily in incestuous bliss instead of letting you waste your love and time on him.

He says it was over before we met. How come for the first 3 months he kept cancelling weekend dates with me because his cousin was visiting & I wasn't allowed to join them? I ended up saying it wasn't working for me & if he'd rather spend weekends with his cousin that was fine but I didn't think we should see each other anymore. He decided to stop his weekends with her strangely but I still never met her. 3 years later I see a load of texts in the archive on an old phone he lent me proving their affair around the time we met. I checked his current phone & there were friendly texts inc one from him to her telling her she was still as gorgeous as she'd always been. This was after we'd had a baby of our own. We went to relate because he refused to stop contacting her as she was "family" & his parents didn't know about their affair. He referred to me as "the Gestapo" & "Spook" in his texts to her & she replied that he should leave me. He finally agreed at Relate that he would cut off all contact & I agreed not to look at his phone/emails. I don't know if he kept his side or the deal but I did. His parents still think I am a jealous bitch for not allowing him to see his favourite cousin. The rot set in at that point & our relationship has declined ever since. But it's all my fault!

No way is your fault

is it