Now it's my turn girls

[Midwife99]

DH is leaving. He read out a statement in couples counselling telling me he is leaving me & DCs with all the details of the financial & practical arrangements as a done deal kind of situation. He has blamed me for it all. I didn't see it coming although there have been problems. I'm totally in shock. I still love him
but what can I do? I know that life goes on but still - totally devastated. No so wise now eh midwife?

We will all be happy again. We need time to heal from these idiots and then time to meet someone new, someone different...someone better.

I know exactly how you feel. It does seem like the light at the end of the tunnel is just a train rushing towards you to run you down right now - and you're destined for some kind of unstoppable train wreck life!!

But before you know it, suddenly you're on the other side and things look ok again. Or not even on the other side, just not in the massively disruptive shock and horror stage. I'm hardly on the other side, but I can honestly say I believe I will be happy again - and I can see that, really, I'm not even that unhappy right now. I'm not ecstatic about life's little 'quirks' right now, but I'm not as devastated as I expected to be either.

Give yourself time, TLC and lots of opportunity to enjoy your beautiful DC. Talk about anything and everything you need to. We're all here, we give a shit about how you are and we're more than willing to pop the kettle on, pull up a pew and hold your hand for as long as you need it held for. We can also pass you the kleenex and ignore the snotty tissues piling up behind the sofa!!

thinking of you xx

Another understanding hand to hold here Midwife. I've just spent 2 hours trying not to cry while shopping in Tescos because every decision I usually make revolves around "what would H choose?" "will he think that's good value" "If I get this instead will he be annoyed" "oooh H would like that"

It takes time to step out from the shadow of an over-bearing personality and I truly believe that once I am no longer having to think of everything in terms of how it affects him, I will be much happier than I have been for years.

I don't know about you, but I have reached the decision that its over several times over the past few years, each time truly thinking it would be for the best, but never having the courage to make the leap. Be thankful that your H's cruel and cowardly decision has made that leap for you.

When you're having a strong moment, perhaps you could thank him for making such a hard decision as you know you will be better off living without him - that might catch him off guard a bit! My H thanked me and it was one of the most hurtful things he's said, albeit meant in good faith, because it basically said to me "I was miserable too, but didn't want to walk out on you" like I was some sort of charity case. Not advocating mind games, but I think being forgiving of the other person also frees you up to concentrate on looking after yourself rather than directing your energy towards hating them.

x

It's crap isn't it. DD3 was devastated when I told her our expensive family holiday to Tuscany in August has been cancelled so I've booked a cheaper single parent family holiday to Morocco instead for her & DD4 so they have other kids to play with & I have someone to talk to in the evenings.

oh good for you!! I'm planning a trip in Oct with the DC probably only a Butlins style trip but I really want to do something nice. I'm going to ask another mum to come with me, so that I'm not on my tod too. You'll be so glad you arranged something come August, life will feel so different then.

do you ladies really need to rely on a man to make you happy ?

we give them so much power...to make us unhappy, we wait for another one to come along who will "rescue" us from our unhappiness etc etc

the most stable and comfortable you will ever be is when you look to yourself for happiness, not a man

< here endeth the lesson >

feel free to give me a kick for being a snactimonious bossy boots (it's all true though)

No I totally agree AF. I was in a really good place as a single mum when I met stbx. I had a social life, friends & was comfortable with my life. I did want a lover but not another husband. He swept me off my feet & the rest is history. I'm never relying on a man again! The last 2 family holidays were crap due to step sister squabbles & stbx's crap attitude & absent libido so I know I'll have a better time on this single parent family hol with other mums. He has sent a number of emails once again spelling out the "arrangements" re the children & money. I'm ignoring him.

Seconds AF who, far from being a sanctimonious bossy birkenstocks boots, is her own warm, wise, witty, and compassionate, person.

As we all should be.

Please, no more kowtowing to penises. If you're in the process of divesting yourself of a knob, remember he managed before you met and he'll manage after - as will YOU.

The only difference is that you will most probably make a better fist of the remainder of your life that he will.

kick applied.firmly.

genuinely no offence meant AF but as you are, I believe, happily married how do you know ?

I on the other hand single now these 2 and 1/2 years past know you are right

I know you mean no offence, GE, and I almost wrote "but who am I to say this, being happily married?"

well, I wasn't always happily married, and in my silly days I have been guilty of letting crap men walk all over me and then coming back for more (from the same tool, or a different flavour of tool)

if my DH let me down, I wouldn't be looking for a replacement any time soon

Well lucky you all for being able to afford a holiday! Have looked at my finances and its not looking as promising as I'd hoped. Now that youngest DC is at school I need to work more hours to even qualify for any help.

This suggestion coming at the moment, when I can barely keep my head above water emotionally, let alone imagine being confident enough to start applying for 'proper' jobs, is filling me with dread!

What did I ever do to deserve being left in the lurch like this? Maybe thats why we're so tempted to look for another man to fill the void. Its such a scary prospect to be totally responsible for yourself after years of having someone 'looking after you' (albeit in a very fucked up way )

hmm - don't know about the rest of you, but I did most of the looking after in my ex-relationship! It's been quite liberating to know my money only has to pay for me and DS, and my time is my own :) It's weird not having to ask for permission to make plans/spend anything whatsoever/breathe though. Weird but nice

Re read paragraphs 2 and 3 of your earlier post Doing they are spot on

This is what you constantly need to keep in mind

I used to say to myself "How could this pain go away ?" the answer was by us being together. I didnt want to go back to that so had to accept the pain

I know, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself today, sorry for the hijack MW! Have had to rely on H to help me sort out benefit confusion and told him that accepting help from him is like a dentist coming and kicking you in the teeth, then offering to help you sort them out! I just want this pain not to have happened in the first place - the fact that the source of the pain is now trying to make it more bearable is just making me feel worse.

That's like asking for a cuddle from the grizzly bear that clawed you to death !

Is there no one else in RL that can sit down with you and go through this ?

A good friend, the CAB, your mum, a sibling ?

Anyone but him, surely

No mum or dad, CAB were worse than useless (she gave me a tissue and showed me their website, where I could find "all the information I needed at home") Told me to come back once he'd actually moved out and that was that.

No friends in a similar position - all seem to be happily married - and only H has the answers I need for these forms (to do with dates/income/mortgage etc) as he has always dealt with our finances, which have been complicated at times.

I think he resents me for being like a child in that respect, I have never had to grow up as he's always done all the official stuff, but that's also why he thought he could treat me like some errant child instead of an equal.

I am sorry love

Get learning. Get the information and write it all down for future use so you never have to ask him again

Make sure every question you have to ask is the only time you ask it

You can do this

You are a grown woman, with new responsibilities, and a brain

Just because you never did it before, doesn't mean you can't do it in the future

You can do this x

Don't feel bad for not dealing with certain things when you were together DIFM. I'm sure you did plenty of other things which your h will struggle with on his own (whether he admits it or not). Things you don't even think about doing.

Don't underestimate your contribution which allowed him to live his life. You are a strong, capable woman. Everyone has down days, no matter what their relationship status. Give yourself a break.

Thanks girls. How are you this evening Midwife? x

Very tired. It's exhausting all this isn't it?

Thanks but he's done a real number on me convincing me that I'm a controlling vindictive bully & that's why I'm getting divorced for 3rd time. I still can't help but think it must be to do with me.

You've just got rubbish taste in men .. same as me Midwife! (Or more likely like me you've put up with and accepted rubbish men)

My STBX tried laying all the 'you've been divorced before .. lightening doesn't strike twice for no reason' stuff .. My previous marriage was totally different - married young - grew apart .. first XH would have done anything for us to stay together

You know that he is talking bollocks ...xx

It is difficult when they do that. My ex said I organised and controlled his own life and that he is now enjoying making his own decisions but every time we did something I checked with him and he said yes. Now he says he didn't want to rock the boat by saying no so said yes to everything for an easy life. That doesn't mean I was controlling it means that he was a wimp who didn't speak up when he should have.

I refuse to accept the blame for his problems. This is why I'm having counselling. I am not a bad person. Repeat after me! I am not a bad person!

Do not take the blame for his problems and issues.