Now it's my turn girls

[Midwife99]

DH is leaving. He read out a statement in couples counselling telling me he is leaving me & DCs with all the details of the financial & practical arrangements as a done deal kind of situation. He has blamed me for it all. I didn't see it coming although there have been problems. I'm totally in shock. I still love him
but what can I do? I know that life goes on but still - totally devastated. No so wise now eh midwife?

This has to come out at some point, but don't worry about it at the moment MW, concentrate on looking after yourself.

Maybe now that you & he are over, he will go crawling back to her and everyone will realise that he's been 'keeping it in the family'.

It could explain why he's been so awful to you though. They say that these 'men' are actually self-loathing and they project their ugly view of themselves onto us, while wearing a mask of perfection to hide who they really are inside.

If he has know all along that he is an adulterous sleazebag, its no wonder he hasn't been able to love you as you deserve. He had no respect for you because you were the type of person who loves an adulterous sleazebag and you ruined his plan to be with 'the love of his life' by inconveniently being more socially acceptable than screwing his own cousin.

The rot definitely set in early, but I would say that it was before he even met you.

Yes probably true. He won't hear a bad word said about her - married to a poor bloke who is a homicide detective in a v rough city with 2 kids, apparently she wouldn't leave him for stbx because she wanted his police pension. Charming.

Hmm, shame, they do deserve each other. You however, deserve so much better.

Hi Midwife just a hello and keep going from me

Also in your shoes I would keep the cousin under your hat until a time where any disclosure is not emotionally driven. Its not so much that he will find a way to turn it on you more that it will kick up a shit storm and after the few minutes pleasure you may get from that it will be unpleasant for you

You have enough to focus on now getting things in order and just coping emotionally.

Time enough for that revelation. I have a nasty little secret of my xhs and in a couple of hurt raging moments in the early days I thought about telling. SO glad I didnt and well you never know when it may come in handy

I'm holding off with telling OW H about the extent of the contact until my divorce and finances are sorted. Then I feel he needs to know the extent of how his W flirted with my H and how the did it all behind our backs, I hope it ruins their friendship!! I'm not vindictive really I'm not but her H is being played for a fool...

Not now if ever remember as I was told...

Hope you are doing ok.

God I'm fucking cross!!!

What's the *rse done now?

Midwife, you have been so kind and helpful to me in my dark days and so I know you have the strength to get through this and come out of it a better person.

Your 'D'H is a cold calculating twat! To do what he did in a counselling seesion is totally unforgiveable. Did he think you might stab him and he needed a witness? I thought my DW saying she didnt fancy me and never had in a couples counselling session was bad enough but jeez your experience kicks mine well into touch.

You know you can do it and we are all here for you.

Keep calm, stay strong and good luck

Thanks Balotelli - it means alot to me that a man can also support me & suggest that I might be a good person. STBX has made me out to be so appallingly hideous as a wife & woman that no man could ever cope with me & therefore must escape leaving a 2 year old behind. I feel as if I'm going mad & have it all so wrong. Perhaps I am a controlling bully or a vindictive unfeminine fat bitch who deserves to be treated this way. Sorry for the rant - I feel that it's so unfair but is it really my fault?

Regardless of your size, bitchiness or anything else, treating you or any one in this way is totally unacceptable.

Try reading your original post as if someone else had written it and think about what sage advice you would have so eloquently delivered.

Everyone deserved to be happy and treated with respect regardless of anything. None of us are perfect...... apart form your stbxh apparently.. so none of us are in a position to hand out abuse of this or any other nature.

There is hope , trust me. My situation has improved dramatically and so will yours. It will take time but it will improve.

midwife, please go back and read your thread from when you posted about his comments on your weight. Read them as if someone else had posted them - you give fantastic, supportive advice to others on MN but can't see the wood for the trees in your own relationship (like the rest of us, I might add).

All you've ever done is exhaust yourself trying to please him. You're still trying to do it now, you're trying to see yourself as badly as he claims to see you. You are not the person he is claiming you are.

Dont do this to yourself! i know how hard it is, my H did a real number on me with that letter, making me feel that I am a horrible person, but I AM NOT! and neither are you! They have to do this to justify leaving the child, to excuse their behaviour to their friends and family....... Remember that. Dont let him get you down.

listen to all of us, midwife

you are a good person

you did not deserve this

I'm trying

These bloody men have got a lot to answer for, I have had a shit day, done sod all, no motivation, spent half the day in tears again, for no particular reason, just feeling sad and lonely. While he swans around with DD, going to softplay, Mcdonalds, watching OW play netball....... no doubt he is tucked up on their sofa watching the England game. His life is so fine and fucking dandy and Im struggling to cope with work, which means no money coming in as self employed!

We are good people, we are the ones juggling work, child, home and everything else!!

Fuck em. and repeat!

He had a go about you weight?!

I trust this prized specimin of masculinity is aging like George sodding Clooney then, is he? Hairline, waistline, and skin smoothness all unaffected by pregnancy, childbirth, and raising a baby-to-toddler?

God it makes me so angry, I could spit!
Come to think of it, I've got a bit of a spare tire at the moment that needs putting to good use. Why dont I come round and flaunt it while bawling him out a bit and then suffocate him?
Vicious contemptible little turd.

Yes he said he didn't like my cyclical weight gain (I go up & down about 10 pounds during the year) & he's not like "P" my friend's husband. My friend weighs 22 stone & is a size 24-26. Her hubby loves big girls. I am a size 14-16. Anyway I know it isn't about me & my size. What does matter is that he's turned someone who already had a lot of sexual confidence into someone with no self esteem & is ashamed of my body.

Midwife, he is an arsehole. Your size is absolutely fine (about the same as me!) and your friend's hubby may well 'love big girls' or perhaps he just loves his wife, whatever size & shape she may be.

When we put all our heart into a relationship, we take on board the other person's view of us as being more important than our own. Now that he's not part of your life hopefully you can start to get your confidence back.

Midwife, you are such a sweetie. Now don't tell anyone but

You deserve massive respect for your kindness, decency, hard work and determination. If only you were a little less hard-working and determined in your relationships you'd have ditched the buggers before they gave you too much grief, that's the only problem.

14-16 is a great size, btw. I used to get a LOT of compliments when I was that shape. Now, alas, I'm more like your friend. Still stacked fairly well though, if I say so myself, but nobody around to appreciate it. XH loved to knock me in the body confidence department. It's a standard emotional abuse tactic, you know. Keeps you down, keeps you trying harder to please them. Bastards.

Your size is irrelevant MW. My ex used to say I was dumpy and fat and eventually I believed him. I was far from it (wish I looked like that now!). It was just another stick to beat you with, an excuse to have a go. You're right, he has shattered your self-esteem because he is an abusive bully. You have every right to be angry at that, now what matters is how you use that anger. Instead of focusing on what he said about you, look in the mirror and pick out something YOU like about yourself, eyes, hair, skin, whatever...focus on that instead. If that is too much, ask your children or your friends. You'll be amazed at what other people see in you. The confident, beautiful you is still there, she just needs coaxing forward.

The counsellor we saw seemed to gloss over those things when I talked about them & focus more on why he felt that I didn't speak to him with respect & why he felt controlled. Weird.

Counsellors don't know it all. The Relate one we saw suggested that the best way to deal with his controlling behaviours (like him checking my Tesco receipts to see what I'd bought and questioning anything that cost more than £2) was to do something unexpected like smile sweetly and give him a kiss

I'm all for taking the wind out of someone's sails, but seriously - he's being abusive and controlling and the way for me to deal with it is to stick my fingers in my ears, pretend its not happening and be nice to him? Perhaps we should all train as counsellors - the amount of experience on MN is worth its weight in gold.

Two very strange approaches to "counselling" right there on this thread.

Yes the counsellor said "well have you changed weight much?"

When she told me to do something he wasn't expecting I did suggest that it could involve a frying pan round the back of the head, but I think possibly joking about domestic violence at Relate is frowned upon