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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Now it's my turn girls

415 replies

Midwife99 · 17/06/2012 16:45

DH is leaving. He read out a statement in couples counselling telling me he is leaving me & DCs with all the details of the financial & practical arrangements as a done deal kind of situation. He has blamed me for it all. I didn't see it coming although there have been problems. I'm totally in shock. I still love him
but what can I do? I know that life goes on but still - totally devastated. No so wise now eh midwife?

OP posts:
janelikesjam · 20/06/2012 12:53

Do you need time off work for this?

AnyFucker · 20/06/2012 14:09

midwife I was going to suggest you see your GP and get signed off sick, or take a leave of absecence from work for a couple of weeks while this gets sorted

I think doing that will actually break this awful deadlock you are in because you can simply tell him to fuck off out of your house while you get your head together. Having him there must be fogging your brain and not helping you to start along that road to acceptance

blackcurrants · 20/06/2012 14:35

Oh that DOES seem like a good idea. Get a couple of weeks off work, get the pillock out of your house, and use that time to (1) thoroughly get rid of any trace of him and (2) start looking for childcare.

oh, and if he wants to keep using your garage as an office, it's time he started paying rent!

Original poster
Midwife99 · 20/06/2012 14:37

Yes that's the trouble. I need him to look after the kids so I have to see him. I can't go off sick. We are so short staffed & me going off too will just cause mayhem & impact on our women & babies even more. Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/06/2012 14:50

midwife I am going to speak very sternly to you

no-one is indispensable

and repeat

no-one is indispensable, not even you

And I can say that with full knowledge of what it is like to work in the cash and staff-strapped NHS.

Doha · 20/06/2012 14:57

Yes AF is right

It is not your responsibility to worry about cover, it is the NHS pen pushers who should be getting the finger out to ensure the ward is covered in your absence.
You are no good on the ward to the mums or babies if your mind and emotions are not in the right place. Your job needs full concentration.
Give yourself a break, get your life and emotions in check--then go back to work.
A week or so will make a world of difference.

AnyFucker · 20/06/2012 15:05

if you have a breakdown from the stress of all this, they will have to manage without you

I really feel that breaking the deadlock here will be very helpful for you, and for your kids

he has his feet very comfortably still under your table, despite how much he apparently despises you

make him fuck off for a couple of weeks, and I mean fuck off

you owe him nothing, but you owe yourself and your dc your healthy mental well-being

your bosses at work would have to cover your abscence somehow, end of story

Original poster
Midwife99 · 20/06/2012 15:05

I know I'm not personally indispensable but I work on the community. This weekend for instance, the only other mw on in our patch is a breast cancer survivor who has just been diagnosed with a kidney tumour & is awaiting her surgery date to have her kidney removed. If I go off, I leave her to manage. There's no one else for the pen pushers to send to help her. She's my friend, I'm not going to do that to her just because my "DH" has fucked off. I know if I was really ill or hit by a bus she'd have to manage but I can't crumble right now. I have 4 weeks annual leave in the school hols & won't have to see twunt at all if I can help it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Midwife99 · 20/06/2012 15:06

He's not living here. He's at his parents. Just dipping in for minimal on call cover. He doesn't even have keys.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 20/06/2012 15:07

Yes I am with AF.

You need to protect your own mental welfare - you won't be any good for anyone.

Tell him to bloody fuck off - he sounds very toxic. I could slap him for you for being so horrible and entitled!!!

Original poster
Midwife99 · 20/06/2012 15:07

Im going to ask a friend to help me this weekend instead of him.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 20/06/2012 15:08

And tell him to pack up his office and clear out YOUR garage.

blackcurrants · 20/06/2012 15:09

How do the Dcs get on with his parents? Could they go there, rather than him come to your place? I know it's hard and you don't want to unsettle them, but I think him having all these chances to hector and abuse you is just horrible for you.

[hands Midwife a nice strong Brew and some flapjack]

AnyFucker · 20/06/2012 15:09

your choice love, you don't need us putting extra pressure on you

it is the solution to your current and pressing problem though...if you don't need him he cannot torment you and stress you out and the dc will not be getting these mixed messages they currently are

I would do it in a heartbeat, and I am the biggest martyr to work of all (I started a new job 3 yrs ago and have had no time off sick, and cannot remember the time before that in my old position)

worth a thought, though ?

mistlethrush · 20/06/2012 15:22

Midwife... just an idea, but you working nights / weekends could actually mean that you could potentially sort out some sort of arrangement with someone if you had a room that might potentially be OK for a lodger - for instance, I know someone that's a TA with a view to doing teacher training and I know that he would be really happy to provide childcare including pick ups from nursery (provided it fitted in with school) in exchange for a roof over his head and a bed - with the right person, if you had the space, this might be a possible longer-term solution for you?

Original poster
Midwife99 · 20/06/2012 15:28

Yes I've been thinking along those lines long term about a lodger although my eldest DS (almost 20) is home from Uni at Xmas, Easter. . In July however stbxh won't be at his parents an hour away anymore, he'll be in a rented house nearby so he can pick DCs up from nursery/after school, take them home & return them to nursery/school in the morning when I'm on call. Weekends I work the same. Collect Friday bring back Sunday night. He has cleared out MY garage & apart from the basic furniture all his crap has gone. He's not working there anymore or has keys. It will get easier.

OP posts:
jen127 · 20/06/2012 15:35

Let me de-lurk !
First point is that midwife you have been through this and the first few weeks are always the worst but they will pass.
I also know of someone who offered accomodation to a student free of charge in lieu of them doing the school pick ups and drop offs and being there when they were on call.
This might work well for you ...
Aside from that you need to get as much RL support as you can to remove this TWUNT from your life!
I would get him out of your garage unless of course he can afford to pay the going rate and the associated bills upfront - though this might be more hassle than it is worth as you would see him more frequently!
If you won't go on the sick - can you at least schedule some holidays for the coming weeks just to take a little bit of pressure off of yourself- as everyone says you wll be no goo to no -one if you take ill.
Can your older DC's give you a dig out at the weekend ?
Please look after yourself during all of this , you have to find some space for you !

gettingeasier · 20/06/2012 15:37

Hello midwife

It does get easier Smile

I dont have any advice really apart from dont tell about the cousin , it will just sully your hands and once you have told you cant untell...

I had xh living in the house for a couple of months after we knew we were spiltting and in some ways in the long run it helped because so much exposure to shitty behaviour helps the scales fall from your eyes and the love from your heart

So sorry about all the financial side of things , would DH2 be likely to back off a little if he knew whats happened ?

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/06/2012 16:50

Sorry if I sounded cross, I am sure you are doing the best for yourself and DC.

Take care x

lazarusb · 20/06/2012 17:09

I have nothing but admiration for you midwife. You might not feel strong at the moment but you definitely come across that way.

Do not blame yourself for this. Bullies never take the blame. Things will settle down a bit soon and life will become a bit clearer. You sound like a fantastic friend and colleague as well as a great Mum.

Original poster
Midwife99 · 20/06/2012 17:30

Thanks everyone. I'm not crying so much now, feel numb & queasy instead. I know I'll be ok in the end but I don't want to be ok I want to be happy. My exh2 is an absolute bastard who will revel in this & make it as hard as possible financially & practically so the longer he doesn't know about this the better. Even stbx thinks he's an arsehole so that's saying something!

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 20/06/2012 18:28

don't know what to say :-( hope it all starts to get a bit better soon. Life is shit. But it can only get better?

It is definitely easier to deal with when you don't see them...

Original poster
Midwife99 · 21/06/2012 09:39

Feeling very bleak right now. Will I ever be happy again? Am I capable of having a good relationship? Sad

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 21/06/2012 09:44

you are and you will, but the healing process is hard, painful and unfortunately unavoidable.

Feeling dark and bleak myself just now (nearly 8 months out of abusive relationship)...keep telling yourself (myself!!) this too will pass and the sun will shine again even if we have to emigrate to get some ((((((hugs)))))) and I don't care if it's not the MN thing!!!

RoxyRobin · 21/06/2012 09:51

Ah, Midwife. You must be truly fed up with it all.

I'm sure you will be happy again when all this is finally behind you. In fact, you'll have moments of happiness even in the midst of it.

And I'm sure you're capable of a good relationship - it's just that the men you've been unlucky enough to hook up with aren't. But don't even bother fretting about this.

Life's shit at times.