Now it's my turn girls

[Midwife99]

DH is leaving. He read out a statement in couples counselling telling me he is leaving me & DCs with all the details of the financial & practical arrangements as a done deal kind of situation. He has blamed me for it all. I didn't see it coming although there have been problems. I'm totally in shock. I still love him
but what can I do? I know that life goes on but still - totally devastated. No so wise now eh midwife?

Doingit!

Midwife, what an unspeakable shit your STBXH is . Just remember that you are well rid, and personally I'd LOVE to be a size 14-16!

I'm extremely about "counsellors" in general, and have sadly been on the receiving end of some truly frightful "advice" from some of these charlatans people on more than one occasion, even Relate counsellors.

They are NOT generally trained to recognise or deal with EA relationships. The entire thrust of counselling is geared towards working with couples who are committed to to the process, and they often don't recognise controlling and/or passive agressive behaviour patterns such as gaslighting. And don't forget, counsellors have to appear to give equal weighting to each side of the debate, even when it's obviously garbage.

Yea I've started to realise that!

Feeling very positive last night & thinking actually life will be much less hassle without twunt but have had a dip this morning & really miss him. I wanna get off the roller coaster!

i know exactly how you feel....... Realising that will be better off without him, but still sit and cry because my life is different and Im on my own and my daughter wont grow up with her daddy here every day :-(

stay strong, it will get better for all of us at some point..

things will even out girls... I read the little engine that could last night with DS... keep finding it popping into my head now! I think I can, I think I can... keep on puffing up the mountain. We can do it because we're bloomin' fabulous!! And when we get there we'll have a great view of all the grumpy gits we've left behind us.

Not sure why I have to learn this lesson again!!!! Ok God, ok! I don't need a man to be happy!!

You don't need a man to be happy.

You'll never be happy with a man who isn't committed to your happiness.

A man who loves you and wants to share your happiness however, would be fantastic.

Hoping that one day you may meet a loving man isn't a weakness, its part of being a loving, sensual, affectionate person.

I don't need a man to be happy, but one day I hope to be happy AND have a man I love.

xx

Yeah I'm really bad at choosing them clearly!!

So how long until the self pity ends?

Not yet obviously! I think we're expecting a bit much of ourselves to be over it already sweetheart. Lets just wallow for a while and see what happens a few weeks down the line...

Yeah - I'm boring myself now!

Your thread, wallow away. That's what we're here for. x

I've had some more self pity tonight but do you know what? I'm going to start saving the pity for my STBXH. I think in the long run he is going to need it more than me.....

What goes around comes around!!!

Don't look at it as self-pity, look at it as grief. You go through different stages but you get by, bit by bit. You gradually become stronger and eventually the pain lessens. Take each day as it comes, don't expect too much of yourself emotionally - be realistic. You will feel better and sooner or later you will accept that you are better off and happier without an emotional leech sucking the life out of you.

Absolutely - it's reasonable and right to grieve for what's gone. It's not like you're beating your breasts, rending your garments, and wailing "Why am I unloveable, oh wailey waliey wailey" - it's shit that this is happening, but it won't be shit forever.

That final statement should be on a hallmark card or something, shouldn't it? I'd make a fortune! :)

How are you doing, Midders?

Ok feeling rather nervous about my financial position - have to pay extwunt2 25% of the equity of my house. It was due last November but house hasn't sold. Now I can't buy another house even if it does sell on my own. He won't take a pay off so I'm stuffed. STBX was supposed to be buying another house with me or paying extwunt off.

ergh, that sounds unpleasant. I don't have any decent knowledge of that stuff, but sending you good vibes and more power to your elbow!

Seeing solicitor in 2 weeks for advice

Can you contact the CAB for some free interim financial advice? Have you updated benefit applications etc? (Tax credits etc).

Yes applied for tax credits & the single person council tax discount. He has still paid his normal housekeeping for June & says he will in July plus has cleared the massive half term's nursery bill that was due at the end of May so I'm ok short term. It's the long term that worries me!

This fInancial stuff is scary isn't it?... I've just about got enough income to cover expenses but if he cuts his maintenance at all ill be in trouble. Trying to remortgage but not got enough income. May have to take my brother onto the mortgage... I don't want to lose my house either :(

Yes I'm caught between a rock & a hard place. Can't sell, can't remortgage

Hopefully your solicitor will be able to help you out and put your mind at rest. Nobody wants to see you and your dcs homeless, I hope there is support out there for you. Sorry, I'm not much use am I?!

Hi love - gutted for you how stressful this all is. I echo everyone else - you are not at fault, you are lovely. Keep telling/reminding yourself this. Of course you are not perfect and have probably done and said things to hurt or piss him off - that's called life. And marriage. And being human. So don't confuse normal human frailties or imperfections with being a bad wife and a bad person - that's him getting inside your frazzled head and twisting things. He is the one who has said and done unforgivable, cruel things. Thinking of you x