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Original poster

I feel like I've been run over

143 replies

SiioCal · 16/06/2012 17:54

Sorry if this is incoherent and ranty !!

DH and I were at a family do last night . DSis and I left extremely early as I am 5mths pg and as there were family members there who have done some pretty awful stuff to us in the past we decided to leave (plus the do wasn't really our cup of tea anyway)

Now these family members have treated me and my family appallingly over the past few years . Due to a death in the family my mum made an effort to start to make amends with them but it hasn't really got anywhere in months as they are refusing to believe they have done anything wrong .

Anyway , it turns out DH went to one of their houses after the do . Apparently he realised he made a mistake once he had gotten there and left . But I feel like he might as well have gotten a megaphone and screamed "you were all completely right to treat my wife like shit an even tho you ignore her and my DD I will still come and party in your house I don't care really about my wides feelings"

I just can't see the wood for the trees right now I don't know how he is going to fix this and how I am going to get over it :(

OP posts:
Lueji · 16/06/2012 17:57

Why didn't he leave with you?

Proudnscary · 16/06/2012 17:58

I think you need to have a calm but proper sit down talk with him. Don't attack him - listen and talk.

I think you have to be prepared to hear that he doesn't necessarily agree with your take on things - maybe he thinks it was six of one half a dozen of the other? Maybe he does think you were wronged but is keen to make amends and can't bear the hostility? Maybe he doesn't like being told what to do?

I'd be open minded if I were you though obviously I don't know any details of what went on.

Original poster
SiioCal · 16/06/2012 17:58

He wanted to stay with my mum and dad which is not unusual and I didn't mind as I did only last about an hour or so

OP posts:
Original poster
SiioCal · 16/06/2012 18:01

Yeah proud I definitely need to calm down that's for sure !! The thing is though he has been on the receiving end of some of it so feel like he's made a fool of himself as well as of me DD and my family .

OP posts:
only4tonight · 16/06/2012 18:02

If that's how you feel why did you go at all?

It wasn't a wise choice by dh but I don't think he meant anything by it. It was no more a message than you turning up to said do in the first place. He was probably just enjoying a night out and didn't think of the political consequences.

Original poster
SiioCal · 16/06/2012 18:05

It was a memorial type thing so I did want to go for that reason .

OP posts:
Lueji · 16/06/2012 18:06

Does he feel he's made a fool of himself?

Have you talked to him about why he went there?

And does it really matter what they think?

Why are you letting them affect your marriage?
He just went there and left. Sometimes it's difficult to say no to some people.

Original poster
SiioCal · 16/06/2012 18:13

He said he doesn't know why he just made a stupid mistake . I jut feel like he never thought how it would make me feel . I can't imagine wanting to be anywhere near people that he feels like this towards . I feel like he's telling me I deserve to be treated like this .

And I think the point is he doesn't think about the consequences of his actions . We were completely ignored and made to feel like outcasts yet at the end of the night when everyone is drunk everyone are all friends .

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/06/2012 18:24

He stayed with your parents... he had a few drinks, he got persuaded to go back to someones house. He got there, realised it wasnt the right thing to do, and he came home.

He really hasnt done anything wrong from what I can see... maybe he thought bridges were being built (you say yourself that your mum has tried to make amends).

Dprince · 16/06/2012 18:46

Why do feel like you have been run over? He realised it wasn't a good idea and left. I don't get how that's different from any of you going to a party. I think I am missing something.

Original poster
SiioCal · 16/06/2012 18:51

The party wasn't for them they were just there . He shouldn't have went in the first place . I really don't know what to do I can't even look at him . He has made a complete fool of me and I don't know where to go from here . I think he is just hoping I will calm down and forget about it but he is going to have to put it right and I don't know how he can .

OP posts:
Original poster
SiioCal · 16/06/2012 18:52

And it wasn't even a party is was supposed to be a memorial night bur turned into a drink fest it was sick I don't get how people can use the death of a family member as an excuse to have a party it is sick .

OP posts:
MarySA · 16/06/2012 18:55

I can't reallys see what he has done wrong. Maybe you could explain it more fully. Did you ask him not to go to the person's house and come home with you. He did realise he shouldn't have gone to the house and came home. So not exactly sure why you're so upset.

izzyizin · 16/06/2012 19:02

yet at the end of the night when everyone is drunk everyone are all friends

When people with 'history' get loaded it can go either way; dear friends all is forgiven or bitter enemies sworn to eternal feuding.

As it happens, when the demon drink is liberally flowing it can go either way for those without a history.

I see it as squeaky does - even though he'd had a few too many, he saw the light and did the right thing in leaving after a short while.

It could have been worse. Imagine how you'd feel if he'd continued to get trolleyed and stayed the night? That would have been a megaphone announcement proof he doesn't have the brains he was born with.

The moral of the story is stay away from toxic relatives if a 'do' isn't your cup of tea, don't sup there; and if you should feel compelled to attend, take a long spoon.

Last night was just another part of life's rich tapestry, honey. Another learning curve successfully navigated. Don't let it blight your weekend.

izzyizin · 16/06/2012 19:10

If he shouldn't have gone in the first place, why did you take him?

After I've shaken off this mortal coil I sincerely hope that if or when my nearest and dearest get together to remember me they'll have a damn fine party time.

IMO we're here to make the most of life and I can't bear to think of anyone sobbing into their beer tea just because I'm no longer around.

Original poster
SiioCal · 16/06/2012 19:11

Asking him not to go to their house would be like asking the pope to say his prayers . There is no way I would have ever imagined this would happen as far as I was concerned none of us ar welcome in their houses (the last time I was in one I was physically assaulted)

Toxic relatives is an understatement izzy Smile

and I know he definitely shouldn't have been drunk I think the fact that the night IMO was in very bad taste makes it worse that he actually enjoyed himself .

OP posts:
Original poster
SiioCal · 16/06/2012 19:13

izzy it wasn't like that honestly if you could have seen it you would appreciate how I feel . It was supposed to be a tribute to his life but half the people there disnt even know him an worked their way on because the band playing are fairly well known . Not that he shouldn't have been at the do he shouldnt have been at their house .

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 16/06/2012 19:30

I actually think you are being a bit ott and a bit out of order. It's not down to you to dictate whether he should be enjoying himself or not. Nor others, you can't control other peoples feelings.

I think you need to accept he made a mistake, realised it quick smart and move on. All this I can't get over it, he is going to have to put it right, don't know if he can, he shouldn't have been feeling. Is actually really controlling tbh, like you want to punish him. Like its never going to be enough.

izzyizin · 16/06/2012 19:34

Well, honey, when I throw a party I take the view that the more the merrier and, unless the interlopers are objectionable, I don't object to a degree of gatecrashing.

There was a band playing? Sounds like your relative's tribute do did him proud, and those who attended who may not have known him now have cause to remember his name.

Original poster
SiioCal · 16/06/2012 19:35

I do want to punish him because I have been punished for three years over something that was nothing to do with me and I want him to know how I feel. We r normally a very easy going relaxed couple and never have a problem with each other . We've never had a major fall out or disagreement and I've never really been angry with him . Until today . I actually can't even look at him . He told me when we were in the car and I had to pull over and everything . If we hadve been in the house I think I would have packed him bags and threw him out . Obv that would have been an overreaction but thats how I felt at that time .

Now we are just sitting here in silence and I don't really know where to go from here .

OP posts:
Dprince · 16/06/2012 19:38

I still don't get it. He admits it wasn't the best idea to go, left as soon as he got there. What does he have to make up?
Why aren't you mad st your parents for trying to make amends with someone who assaulted you? Just because they are family it doesn't mean they have to. I am not saying your parents shouldn't be doing this. But is that not more than going to someone's house and leaving.
I think you are being really hard your dh and making a mountain out of a molehill.

bamboostalks · 16/06/2012 19:39

The only place to go is to get over it and get some perspective. From your op, I thought this was going to be about someone finding out about an affair. It is no where near that serious. Accept his apology and stop being so dramatic.

Dprince · 16/06/2012 19:40

You want to punish him because you feel shit over what happened. Your anger is mis-directed. Have you thought about speaking to someone about your feelings. If you love him why would you want him to feel as bad as you did?

Houseofplain · 16/06/2012 19:40

You want to punish him, for something other people have done? I could tell by your posts that something was amiss. Your tone was bordering on abusive.

If you want to punish him, best this is you get help or he leaves you. You sound like you have real issues.

izzyizin · 16/06/2012 19:42

Sweetie, the days of Victorian mourning dress and sombre demeanour are long gone. If, in fact, they ever existed outside of Her Maj's court.

Either your relative left instructions for his memorial tribute, or someone took it into their head to remember him as they thought he'd have liked to be remembered.

You may not have thought it was appropriate, but I don't see that's any reason for you to throw your toys out of the pram.

5mo pg? You've got a lot to look forward to. Don't let this relatively (no pun intended) unimportant matter spoil what should be an especially rich and rewarding part of your life.