I feel like I've been run over

[SiioCal]

Sorry if this is incoherent and ranty !!

DH and I were at a family do last night . DSis and I left extremely early as I am 5mths pg and as there were family members there who have done some pretty awful stuff to us in the past we decided to leave (plus the do wasn't really our cup of tea anyway)

Now these family members have treated me and my family appallingly over the past few years . Due to a death in the family my mum made an effort to start to make amends with them but it hasn't really got anywhere in months as they are refusing to believe they have done anything wrong .

Anyway , it turns out DH went to one of their houses after the do . Apparently he realised he made a mistake once he had gotten there and left . But I feel like he might as well have gotten a megaphone and screamed "you were all completely right to treat my wife like shit an even tho you ignore her and my DD I will still come and party in your house I don't care really about my wides feelings"

I just can't see the wood for the trees right now I don't know how he is going to fix this and how I am going to get over it :(

Anyway, OP, you have my sympathies as clearly you feel very betrayed, you should tell him this and talk it through

Hi Siilo,

Just had a read through of all your thread and I think you've had a bit of a raw deal on here. I can understand why you are totally fuming, its a real kick in the teeth, you feel betrayed and very upset by the actions of your DH.

I would feel this way too, you want to know that they are always on 'your team', on 'your side' but on this occasion he crossed over to the 'other side' all be it for a short amount of time, and I think this is what hurts you so much.

I think the fact this happened while you are pregnant makes it all the more harder for you to deal with. We want our DH to stick firmly by our side, we want to feel secure and safe, things are amplified and become more important when we are carrying that precious baby.

I think what he did tonight has made you feel vulnerable as well as angry which is why you have reacted so badly to this. Am I right?

The point of your post what to get advice on how to deal with this. I think the first thing to do is actually not to deal with it. He knows he made a mistake, he knows how upset you are about it. That'll do for now.

Allow yourself a couple of days to become less emotional about it. You can't change what's happened, he did what he did, so just deep breath and concentrate on becoming less upset and less emotional.

After a couple of days you will feel less angry and you will be able to see the 'wood for the trees'. You will then be able to deal with this based on your true feelings rather than those of tonight which is your initial reaction. And I expect you will know exactly how to deal with it at this point.

Your DH is a good DH, he made a mistake, but he has realised this and I'm sure when you both wake up this morning he'll already be thinking about how he can make you feel better and ways he can make it up to you.

I think a nice cooked breakfast would be a start don't you think?!

Look, you love your DH, you love the child you are carrying and they both love you too. This is your focus, this is where your priorities are, all this family stuff needs to 'do one'. You have far more important things to put your energies into.

Like I say take a few days out from your emotions, what's done is done, and I think by then you will feel so much calmer about it all.

Lets face it, 'they' are just not worth all this are they?

Best wishes and good luck. x

I can just imagine a woman coming on here and posting the dhs pov and begging for advice on how to make it up, how to make is so her dh would look at her and how she could earn his forgiveness. I wonder what she would be told?

Hi Dprince, sorry if I'm being thick but what is 'dhs pov'?

Dhs (dear husdands) pov (point of view). :)

Ah thank you! I'd have never worked that one out, glad I asked!

fanjo and hyper thanks for the support at least some people have came on to help rather than attacking me for being upset .

Whether he agrees with me or not is something for us to discuss in private . Whether he agrees or not he is my husband and in public should support me .

So what head he's to do whatever the hell he feels like and I've to just roll over and take it ? I don't think so .

The point is he left and rather than come home to me he went home with them . Just shows what he thinks of me .

I don't think anyone has attacked you. They have given honest opinions. I genuinely think you have a problem with perception. You seem to feel peoples actions are are made with the sole intention of putting you down. Which is not your husbands intentions and people trying to give you advice.

No one has actually given me advice other than to stop being upset by it . The whole point is I don't see how I can . I don't know how to be ok with it .

I think you being unfair. There has been advice. You clearly don't want it. Imo people advising you, that you are over reacting is advice.
If you don't want it that fine.

I also recommended more sessions of counselling. I would class that as advice.

Well he may as well have been as they say actions speak louder than words . I've already been to counselling because of it .

Because of what?
Cheating or this family issue?

Are you not telling us something?

Because if there are no other issues in your marriage, and you are a relaxed couple, your reaction to him on this is a little ott.
On the other hand, it it's a last straw thing, it's different.

Are you sure this is the only thing you are angry with your husband for?

Ok fair enough you did say to me about the counselling . It did help me the first time but I'm not sure there is anything else I can get out of it I feel like I'd just be going round in circles when I'm trying to move forward . I don't think telling me I'm overreacting is advice at all .

I think you really need to talk to him and find out his motivation

Yes the counselling was for the family issues . He has form for going out and forgetting to come home which i do get annoyed about but it's not like that's a big deal . This one because of where he went it is . And the fact that we had discussed going not drinking and leaving early all went out the window as soon as he was there .

How does he treat you usually.

Fanjo I know fine well his motivation was to party more he does it all the time every time we go to somewhere he has to party in someones house after it . Which again I just normally let go it sometimes annoys me but not always jut because I don't want to party doesn't mean he shouldn't . But to betray me for the chance to party is crossing the line

Sounds like insensitivity plus alcohol, a dangerous mix :(

Okay so sounds like your issue with him is not just your very complicated family tensions then?

What people have been getting at is you came across as disproportionately angry with your partner and rather controlling. You seemed to want to punish your dh for your own issues. I thought he sounded scared of you to be honest.

You are absolutely over reacting - you are projecting your feelings for the people you don't like onto your husband.

If they get to hear about this - they will love it - why give them the satisfaction?

Sometimes its takes other to point out you are over reacting for a person to realised. So yes it is advice. No one said you shouldn't be upset, but that you were blowing out of proportion. You have added bits in that didn't happen.
I think counselling would be a good idea as you still have issues regarding this. Sometimes the changes within ourselves mean counselling needs revisiting.
You sound like you have low self esteem, which is why you perceive everything as a slight against you and assume people are laughing at you.

I also don't understand something.
You and your sister left.
Your husband didn't.
But he told you in the car, presumably when you were returning home?
So, you didn't go straight home?

So, he couldn't strictly "go home to you".
Did he go to these people's house with your parents? Did they go separate ways?

Personally I would let it go, but I'd talk to him and let him know what any more "fraternising" with these people without you would mean.

Personally I wouldn't mind it that much, but if for you it's worth putting an end to your marriage, I think your dh should know about it. I don't think he thought it might for a second.

On the other hand, if your marriage is ruine because of this, then your relatives WILL be laughing at you.
Your reaction to this only shows how much power they have over your life.
Is that what you really want?

Personally, I'd let anything they do wash over as if they were strangers.

That might be what your DH is doing.

Do not let them ruin your life!

So usually he goes put and partys afterwards and he doesn't come home. But this time he realised his mistake and came home. Sounds like an improvement to me. not that I would be ok with dh forgetting to come home on a regular basis. He did consider your feelings, a little late but he did.

Lueji I think he told her in the car the next day.