I feel like I've been run over

[SiioCal]

Sorry if this is incoherent and ranty !!

DH and I were at a family do last night . DSis and I left extremely early as I am 5mths pg and as there were family members there who have done some pretty awful stuff to us in the past we decided to leave (plus the do wasn't really our cup of tea anyway)

Now these family members have treated me and my family appallingly over the past few years . Due to a death in the family my mum made an effort to start to make amends with them but it hasn't really got anywhere in months as they are refusing to believe they have done anything wrong .

Anyway , it turns out DH went to one of their houses after the do . Apparently he realised he made a mistake once he had gotten there and left . But I feel like he might as well have gotten a megaphone and screamed "you were all completely right to treat my wife like shit an even tho you ignore her and my DD I will still come and party in your house I don't care really about my wides feelings"

I just can't see the wood for the trees right now I don't know how he is going to fix this and how I am going to get over it :(

It really is hard to understand I can't say to much without being really identifiable and as much as they have hurt me I don't want to publicly slag them of either they are still my family . Don't get me wrong I wasn't completely innocent in it but all I really done was stick up for myself and not let people treat me like shit and walk over me . I think you would need to understand the relationship I had with one of them in particular to see how rejected hurt and humiliated I was by someone I had on a pedestal I think I held her at too high a standard that when she cut me from her life I was completely lost and devastated .
That's how I will never let anyone do that to me again I learn a lesson big time there .

TBH OP you need to be careful you don't go too far and really end your marriage.

If my husband behaved like this - over me deciding to go somewhere, realising it was a mistake and coming home - I'd be seriously considering whether I wanted to be with him.

Your parents are clearly speaking to them - you aren't making the same demands there.

I dont know what else to say. You are giving these people so much power, so much sway in your relationship and your life.

This amount of hatred - for so long, is only hurting you (take It from one who knows from experience), at some point you really need to let go of the past and look to the future, which is you, dh and the new baby.

silo - I crossed posts with you - I undersand the depths of your feelings for them - I really do, but can you not see - none of that post is about DH.

That's how I will never let anyone do that to me again I learn a lesson big time there
That's the problem, right there. You are punishing dh because of what they did. You think your dh has purposely humiliated you. He hasn't. You need help with this.

My parents aren't speaking to them at all . No they cut us from their lives two years before I got married .

You have maintained throughout that you mum is trying to make amends so family events can at least be civil. You have defended you mums right to do that. How is she doing this without speaking to them?

Hello again Siilo,

I thought i'd given you quite a bit more advice than just 'stop being so upset'.

You are clearly still very angry this morning, to repeat my advice, what is done is done, just get through the next couple of days focussing on relaxing and calming for that gorgeous baby inside you. Your emotions are still raw and I don't think until they become less raw you will be able to handle this rationally.

You want to handle this rationally with your DH don't you?

I am starting to think now that perhaps you have bigger issues with your DH than you have told us about.

Did none of what I say about feeling vulnerable when pregnant ring true?

OP you need to take a step back here and l hope yout total over reaction is caused by pregnancy hormones.
Your husband made a mistake, he realised and rectified it quickly.
If you expect him to grovel and plead practically on his knees then you are being totoally unreasonable.
If you are seriously thinking about ending your relationship over this--no matter how hurt you are l think you need to think about how your reaction is unappropriate and extreme.
You need to grow and learn to forgive.
If you carry on like this l would be surprised if your DH doesn't say enough is enough and leave.

'I am starting to think now that perhaps you have bigger issues with your DH than you have told us about.'

Sorry that should have been a question.

Have you got more issues with your DH than you've told us about?

I don't think people have been harsh. From what op has said, and said again. Everyone has said she is being unreasonable. So people can't all be wrong can they?

Now obviously there is more to it. Op has had a hell of a time by the sounds of it with her family, and with all that anger, it does sound like maybe silo, you need more help to deal with it.

Throw a pregnancy into the mix, op won't be the first nor the last to be so badly affected by hormones, especially with unresolved issues. That her thinking becomes blurred, by some sort of depression or anxiety.

People are being straight with her. As she is pregnant and seems so full of anger and hatred. That she can't actually see she is the one being abusive here. The thoughts posted here, are all emotionally abusive. You can't punish someone indefinitely for a minor mistake. It's not normal or balanced to actually say, you want to punish someone you love. That is the train of thought of an abuser.

We see often on here, how some people have dhs with traumatic pasts who haven't dealt with it, take it out on their dws and become abusive as a result.

Walking on egg shells with op is counter productive. As if she does not snap out of it fast and get some help for these unresolved issues. Stopping the train of thought of wanting to punish her dh.

She is going to end up very, very alone, which in her position probably isn't the best thing or what she wants.

She needs to realise her behaviour is abusive and she could well lose her husband as a result.

Ok so I have spoke to DH and I am quite happy with his apology and explanation . He just didn't realise that I could be so upset by something which I do believe .

"The point is he left and rather than come home to me he went home with them "

No. The point is he came home to YOU after realising he had made a mistake, and apologised. I can understand you being a bit pissed off but you have gone OTT and are turning it into something it's not.

I'm not saying these things to be nasty, just to try and give you some perspective.

It can't cause problems with these family members unless you let it. You don't have to ever have anything to do with these people again if you don't want to. I'm sure your DH won't make this mistake again either

Just read your last post, I'm glad for you both things are getting sorted :)

Maybe you need some family therapy? I do not bear grudges to family members who didn't come to my wedding. I can understand cutting off totally people who have been abusive (in any way).
Did your husband punish you for 3 years for something you did in the past? This doesn't sound healthy, any more than you reaction to him accidentally ending up at the house of some relatives you don't like.
I think you both need to talk openly and honestly, if you can't do it yourselves some counselling might help.

I am glad op. Glad you have sorted it and decided not to continue punishing him. I would still consider some help as this anger isn't good fprbyoubor your family.