I feel like I've been run over

[SiioCal]

Sorry if this is incoherent and ranty !!

DH and I were at a family do last night . DSis and I left extremely early as I am 5mths pg and as there were family members there who have done some pretty awful stuff to us in the past we decided to leave (plus the do wasn't really our cup of tea anyway)

Now these family members have treated me and my family appallingly over the past few years . Due to a death in the family my mum made an effort to start to make amends with them but it hasn't really got anywhere in months as they are refusing to believe they have done anything wrong .

Anyway , it turns out DH went to one of their houses after the do . Apparently he realised he made a mistake once he had gotten there and left . But I feel like he might as well have gotten a megaphone and screamed "you were all completely right to treat my wife like shit an even tho you ignore her and my DD I will still come and party in your house I don't care really about my wides feelings"

I just can't see the wood for the trees right now I don't know how he is going to fix this and how I am going to get over it :(

"I do want to punish him because I have been punished for three years over something that was nothing to do with me and I want him to know how I feel."

Correct me if I'm mistaken - but that's not his fault..? Why on earth should he be punished by YOU because YOU have horrible relatives...?!

I think you're projecting a lot of your anger towards your family onto your DH. Yes, he screwed up but, unless they invent time travel pretty soon, he can't undo it. So you have two choices: accept that he screwed up, is sorry and let it go, or divorce him.

If you want to nurse your anger some more and use your DH as an emotional punchbag for that, go ahead, but it's not a pleasant way to be. I don't really see what he can possibly do to appease you and I think you are being unreasonable.

She wanted it so that I'd things do come up like funerals christenings etc we werent causing an atmosphere or feel awkward and as much as I never participated in her effort I could see why she wanted to do it and felt I should let her go .

Believe me I am not making A bigger thing of what it is the repercussions of this are going to be more than I can handle . The fact that he was willing to go for any length of time is going to cause them to believe more than ever now that they are right and we will suffer that forever .

I'd also like to point out the couple who's house they were in the woman was supposed to be my bridesmaid . After all the fall out I said I still wanted her to be it . She said no . When it came to the invites I still sent them one . They snubbed it . Yet DH is good to go drinking in their house ????

So your mum can make the decision to make amended but your dh can not make the decision to go for a drink?
You really need to think about how you are handling this. If you keep this up, you could be looking at the end of your marriage. As pp said you are using your dh as an emotional punching bag. Is he not allowed to make mistakes? Have you never made a mistake and wished you could do it over?

I honestly can't believe you all think it was ok what he done ???!!!!!!!!

So if you had been through he'll with a family feud then your husband decided on a whim it would be a good idea to go drinking in their house you would think that was a perfectly acceptable thing to do ?

Somehow I don't think so .

And anyway , it doesn't matter what it is the fact that I feel the way I do should be enough for DH . It would be for me .

Not one this idiotic

Tbh, there is only so much abuse your husband is going to take, before he wises up and leaves.

You need to look at your reactions, the words you are using and expressions. Which have been basically emotionally abusive in tone throughout the whole thread and wonder, if maybe, all these people are wrong, or you.

Unless you address your issues, the day will come, where he gets sick of being punished and leaves you.

no one has said it wouldn't bother them. What they have said is that you are over reacting. He realised his mistake, left, told you about and apologised. You want him to feel as bad as you did. Why? Why would you want someone you love to feel that bad?
You want to hurt him, want him to make it up, can't even look at him. If you don't see how this is an over reaction I am genuinely unsure how anyone can help. Did you expect everyone to agree and tell you what a twat he is? The fact that no one is doing that should at least make you think you are not handling this well.
I wonder if the people hurt by your mistakes think the mistakes weren't this idiotic. I don't get why, if he wasn't allowed near these people, you left him there. Knowing they were all getting hammered.

Reflect on the fact that you have had universal advice here and yet you are still intransient in your views. Start thinking about your labour instead, I guarantee that will be the time to start feeling unreasonable anger towards your dh.

I'm perfectly capable of admitting when I am wrong . This is just not one of those times . He was wrong he knows he was wrong I just need to figure out how to deal with it . Tbh I think is have handled it better if he'd cheated then he'd only have betrayed me and not my parents DSis and DD too .

I think you may be projecting some of your anger and grief at what happened previously onto your DH. That's understandable, but quite risky too.

You are clearly still terribly upset, but maybe he has moved on a bit more quickly, or maybe he was just a bit thoughtless? If he loves you, as I am sure he does, he probably feels bad and just wants to put it behind him. That's understandable, too.

I would question why its not a betrayal for your mum yo make amends but not your dh. I would say that someone who has been cheated on would disagree. I mean this in the nicest possible way but I don't think you are thinking clearly and are in a position to see if you are wrong or not. your posts are emotional abusive.
It sounds like you want to use this to beat him with. Please rethink this. Its not helping anyone. Especially not you.

Sorry that doesn't make sense. I meant why is it not a betrayal for your mum but it is for your dh.

So you were on good terms with these relatives, until something happened, but it wasn't so bad that you didn't want them to come to your wedding, but you are now more upset with them to the extent of being horrified with your DM and DH for treating them with a reasonable degree of civility?

It sounds like the snub of them not coming to your wedding is actually their worst crime, or that you were game-playing in inviting them to your wedding when you didn't actually want them to come .

Either way, your actions are coming across as really drama-queenish.

That's a good point that I missed thistle. Is it more the wedding issue op?

I actually can't believe how angry It's made me I've never been bothered by anything he's done in the past .

I don't see how I'm being emotionally abusive if you husband does something that upsets me I'm not allowed to be angry with him and vent on MN ? Have you never been angry with your DH before ? Well to be fair this is the first time I have ever been maybe my rants are a bit dramatic . But my feelings are definitely not .

They were too big a part of my life before not to invite them I jut couldn't be that nasty . But I swore after that that was their last chance I would never have anything to do with them again .

And as for my mum all she wanted was to be able to be in the same room with them without awkwardness she never wanted to be in their lives or socialise with them .

Your DH has admitted that he messed up. I am not sure what else you would like him to do.
You seriously sound as if you are being completely OTT in your response. I really, really think that you should go for a long walk and clear your head, then re read the unamimous responses that you are being really, really harsh on your DH.

Yeah D because it was his wedding thei snubbed too and I feel like he has made a fool of himself by letting the
Treat him like that and forgetting about it last night . I feel like I want to protect him from them and he's just given them more to manipulate him with !

being angry is not emotionally abusive. But the 'i want to punish him' and 'he must make it up to me' and 'i can't look at him' that is.
Read threads on here that are from people in your dhs position. People who have beg forgiveness, people who are ignored when their behaviour is not acceptable, people who are punished and made to feel like shit. All this from a person who loves them.

But if you were prepared to extend the olive branch of inviting them to your wedding, why are you so set against making things up now? Why was their non-attendance at your wedding such a big deal? If they had gone to your wedding, would you be so cross with your DH now?

Ok I see that you're upset, and I get the whole shite family feuding crap, BUT it sounds like you went without wanting to, were miserable all the short time you were there and now are pissed at DH because he made a mistake and quite frankly your comment of you wish he'd cheated is just ridiculous.

If you hate the people involved that much, dont go, end off, especially if you're then going to comment on the way people chose to remember someone. Choose to do something in your own way.

Oh and you want you DH to suffer because you suffered three years, which has NOTHING to do with how your DH treated you. Lovely OP, maybe if you follow through with this it won't be an issue for you an DH as he won't stick around, so you can go on your own.

So he's to make me feel like shit and I've just to accept it and move on ? I can't look at him because every time I do I imagine him standing in their house laughing at me .

So its not the assault its the wedding. Fallings out over wedding are pretty par for the course. The fact is he isn't best mates with them he made a mistake.
I really think you need to let it go. He is sorry and he made a mistake. Chances are he thought it would improve relations between you all, then realised you would be upset.
I don't know what else anyone can say. You clearly think you are right and have the right to punish your dh until he proves himself worthy of your forgiveness. Everyone else disagrees. I really hope you find peace with this and soon. For the sake of you marriage and dcs. But I don't what help anyone can give you.

I didnt say I wish he cheates

Maybe your DH wasn't so upset that they did not go to the wedding? If there was a major awkwardness between you and these other relatives that was not resolved before the wedding, maybe they stayed away to avoid there being an atmosphere on your special day?