to be sick of dh swanning off to this conference EVERY year

[morlando]

Ever since I have been married to dh he has swanned off to a 4 day conference every year. It's not work related although it is to do with his profession. Although there are talks and seminars every day its more of a 'jolly' with everyone staying in a 4 star hotel, going out for dinners and drinks every night.

When we didn't have dc's it was fine. Our first dd was 4 months old when he went to the conference for a 4 day overnight stay. At the time I was back at work full-time trying to manage work and a baby on my own. I suffered terribly with PND after a horrific 3rd degree tear and was in a lot of physical pain still. I asked him not to go but he still went.

DD is now 8 and he has been going to these conferences every year still. We now have a 2 year old dd and yep once again he has swanned off to his conference. I have been at home struggling with work and looking after two children while he is away. Last week was a nightmare juggling nursery and school drop off and pickups without him. I've had a few texts from him while he's been out enjoying meals and drinks with friends.

I am totally fed up. Hasn't helped that while he's been away I've also had to cope with the boiler breaking, dd's bedroom window breaking (due to severe wind, so it is hanging off the frame) and a poorly cat who had to go the vet.

I am raging. I told him this year I didn't want him to go as I can't cope with everything on my own but he went. His excuse is that its good for his professional development. He's never had a job offer or other opportunities resulting from his attending the conference as far as I can tell.

AIBU to tell him if he goes to the conference next year I will divorce him. It sounds harsh but I am sick of being left on my own to cope. He is meant to be going to another non work related conference next month although he hasn't decided yet if he's going.

He left Wednesday morning and wont be back til very late Sunday night. In the meantime I am barely coping . Trying to find a glazier to fix the window, a plumber to fix the boiler and entertaining two children plus a sick cat.

God this thread is awful.

I think posters have extremely short memories of being left alone to cope, or no experience at all of trying to work full-time while having a 4 month old first child, being in physical pain from childbirth and mental torture through PND - and an absent husband who used up valuable annual leave that is always needed for emergencies when both parents are working. I can empathise with the working full-time when my first child was 4 months old which was tough enough, but I wasn't in pain, didn't have PND and my husband would have no more taken off for 4 days than fly to the moon.

So I never had it as bad as the OP and I suspect few posters who've bullied the OP have either. So what stops some people sympathising with a cry for help and instead gives them the urge to pile on the agony and make the OP feel worthless? As for the recommendations to go to Centerparcs or a hotel, do you really think everyone on Mumsnet has the funds to do that?

I agree with whoever said that it's the usual excuses being given by the usual suspects for men's crap behaviour. Well just because you would put up with this sort of crap in a man, doesn't mean that every woman should.

I so hope the OP comes back or namechanges because this thread shames Mumnset.

" I can empathise with the working full-time when my first child was 4 months old which was tough enough, but I wasn't in pain, didn't have PND and my husband would have no more taken off for 4 days than fly to the moon."

Same here.

God there is some crap on here glad some more understanding posters joined the thread.

OP, I hope you're ok. I appreciate how difficult it must be managing a new job with home and various things on your own when you're feeling so down- you're doing a great job, but then why should you have to? You are completely entitled to feel this way- your husband needs to start putting his family first.

OP, I hope you are okay too.

Big hugs and a glass of

It is a really sad thread that other mothers/ women cannot emphasise with another women/human.

About a week after I had given birth I was very very ill and was sectioned under the mental health act I had severe PND.

The midwife who had delivered my baby came to visit me as she heard I had been brought back to hospital...
She told me to get myself away home and look after my husband and baby!!!!
This was someone who should of known better surely?????

twiggy your midwife was wrong.

what a shocking thing to say.

fucking hell twiggy .

I have suffered with PND and currently struggle with anxiety and esteem issues. Small things often seem insurmountable. Most mornings I look into the mirror and tell myself I can cope with today just to get myself through the door. No one bar dh knows this and if attitudes in general are like they are on this thread I'm glad I keep it a secret.

I really hope they aren't Hob it would be a very sad state of affairs, this thread is the first one to actually make me angry. It has made me look at MN in a different light.

It is a sad fact Hobnobsaremyfave that you do feel you have to keep it a secret.

I was talking to colleagues
in work one day when one said I "oh I had pnd but I didn't take any anti-depressants as I don't believe in taking them and I pulled myself through it".

If they had PND depression severe enough they DAMN well couldn't of pulled themselves through it and would of needed medical intervention.....

Same with the pull yourself together crowd and get on with it. They wouldn't tell someone who had just broken their leg to do the same would they????

Mental illness can be invisible no-one else can see into your mind and know what's going on!!!!

I couldn't read all this thread, I'm sorry, very rarely do I post before reading it all, but this thread is hideous and there are some people on here who should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves

It is abundantly clear that the op is struggling and there was no need for all the superhero martyrs to wade in with their sixe 10's

YANBU. I have had to dig my heels in with my DH over selfish jollys with friends, the last time I threatened to leave and I meant it.

However, I bend over backwards so he can go away for up to 2 weeks at a time when it is to help him in his career. I also work and my shifts are impossible to do as a 'single mum'.

A couple of months ago (easter time) he went away on a work field trip for 10 days so I booked annual leave and had a lovely holiday with my 3 DCs and my extended family.

Could you plan annual leave for next year's conference and do something nice with the DCs?

It is possible to have empathy for more than one person in a situation Living with someone who has clinical depression is tough. 4 days at a professional conference is not a lot.

I have sympathy for the OP but I don't think that attacking her DH will help her.

I really hope the OP is okay. Wish she had stuck around so she could see that not all of the people who responded were such utter unfeeling twats.

Me too manicbmc

I think the issue here is not that the conference attendance is unreasonable - it isn't - but that the OP needs a lot of support. Most mothers in a reasonable state of mental and physical health can cope with this scenario. She can't. The problem she has is that her dh is ignoring her needs. He should be working through this with her but instead he's living his life and expecting that her life will fall in to place.

This is an awful thread to read, even as a bystander. Poor OP

If you are in a loving, trusting and supportive relationship with a partner who is considerate, I guess it's best to think about that person's needs and give them space/the opportunity to go away if it's something important to them. Though circumstances may mean that their needs cannot come first - if you are ill, or have just started a new job etc.

If you are in a relationship where your needs are not acknowledged, in fact are actively ignored on a frequent/ongoing basis, then it is the absolute pits to be expected to manage in these circumstances, and to be so completely disregarded and disrespected.

I feel for you OP. I hope you will see your GP and seek help. And I wish you a lot of luck with your husband.

Have only read page one.

Its really harsh of him to go every single year no matter if you have a young baby or are in pain or not coping or whatever. He sounds selfish. He clearly doesn't give a shit how you will manage the drop offs and pickups. I can totally see why you are pissed off.

As for divorcing him, that depends on the rest of your relationship but he clearly doesn't consider your feelings in this so i would imagine he is like it about other things to?

I would book your own thing once a year too and leave him to it. See how he likes it. Have you ever done that?

True. Though he may not have realised she had PND 8 years ago, or how far she is from coping now.

Being a carer (she cannot cope without his constant support, so he is her carer) does not mean he is a saint who can go without breaks. However, he was clearly wrong to go - for his dc's sake as well as his dw.

OP - I hope this has prompted you to seek help, and that you are soon in a happier place.

I'm 37 weeks pregnant ATM and would struggle if DH took off for 4 days.

Does that make him my carer?

Or just my husband?

Sometimes in life we need support. That's normal.

Being able to ask for it, and receive it, is part of everyday life.

poor OP. The DH has at least twice chosen to go away at a time when it has caused her immense difficulties. Why should the DH's work/leisure activities trump the OP's work needs?

Hes not her carer but neither is he caring.

Some of the replies on this thread are shocking.

Talk about kicking someone when they are down.

OP, I'm sorry that those with so little empathy were the first to find your thread. I hope you've stuck around to see some of the more supportive messages.

My dh is generally a wonderful father and husband, but I did have to have words with him a few years ago about the amount of leisure time he have himself. It took a massive argument and me behaving like him for the best part of a week for him to realise how much he had taken for granted. He's behaved much more considerately since, and importantly, I've stopped enabling his behaviour and taken my share of leisure time without guilt.

And I didn't have pnd, and that was tough enough.

If this is typical of the way he regards your relationship and family responsibilities then there is a problem and YANBU.

Do you have rl support? Please do speak to your GP as soon as possible.

Hugs.

I suffer with mh issues, and suffer is the right word.

Maybe your H doesn't understand pnd or mh issues in general? Maybe he needs some help with pnd. There may be a book about how to live with, support and help somebody with pnd. I know that there is for bipolar. Seeing things written in black and white by a published author may wake him up a bit?
I'm not gloating but.... For me my dh is the person that keeps me most stable. I'm lucky that he's so understanding and supportive. I've struggled with severe self harming problems and he has helped me immensely with those.
I suffer from bipolar2 and it has made such a difference not being judged and fully supported has made to being able to manage. In the last 3 years we have spent less than 12 nights apart, work and trips for both of us. This doesn't mean that our marriage is suffocating, far from it, just don't spend time away that isn't important. Not meant to be gloating, just trying to say that it's not at all unreasonable for you to not want him to go when you feel that you cant cope. For a lot of the past 3 years, I wouldn't have coped with dh going away for unnecessary trips.
Do you have a good support network that you could draw upon to give you some strength? I realise that this should be provided by your husband.
I really do feel for you and your family. I hope that with love and support, from any source, will help you to get through. Whatever the outcome you need to put yourself first for the sake of your children as well as yourself.