to be sick of dh swanning off to this conference EVERY year

[morlando]

Ever since I have been married to dh he has swanned off to a 4 day conference every year. It's not work related although it is to do with his profession. Although there are talks and seminars every day its more of a 'jolly' with everyone staying in a 4 star hotel, going out for dinners and drinks every night.

When we didn't have dc's it was fine. Our first dd was 4 months old when he went to the conference for a 4 day overnight stay. At the time I was back at work full-time trying to manage work and a baby on my own. I suffered terribly with PND after a horrific 3rd degree tear and was in a lot of physical pain still. I asked him not to go but he still went.

DD is now 8 and he has been going to these conferences every year still. We now have a 2 year old dd and yep once again he has swanned off to his conference. I have been at home struggling with work and looking after two children while he is away. Last week was a nightmare juggling nursery and school drop off and pickups without him. I've had a few texts from him while he's been out enjoying meals and drinks with friends.

I am totally fed up. Hasn't helped that while he's been away I've also had to cope with the boiler breaking, dd's bedroom window breaking (due to severe wind, so it is hanging off the frame) and a poorly cat who had to go the vet.

I am raging. I told him this year I didn't want him to go as I can't cope with everything on my own but he went. His excuse is that its good for his professional development. He's never had a job offer or other opportunities resulting from his attending the conference as far as I can tell.

AIBU to tell him if he goes to the conference next year I will divorce him. It sounds harsh but I am sick of being left on my own to cope. He is meant to be going to another non work related conference next month although he hasn't decided yet if he's going.

He left Wednesday morning and wont be back til very late Sunday night. In the meantime I am barely coping . Trying to find a glazier to fix the window, a plumber to fix the boiler and entertaining two children plus a sick cat.

The lack of compassion on this thread has been shocking to read - so glad that there supportive replies though and I really do hope OP feels able to come back.

morlando you sound very worn out and your h sounds very selfish. You asked him not to go because you can't cope and he went regardless. If this conference is that important to him than the least he could have done was sorting out some support for you.

Hope you are alright and managed to sort out the window and boiler and got some rest.

A bit of forward planning would have made this much easier for you, op. For example, you could have booked the days off work. I assume that you knew when he was going, therefore you could have told your employer that you needed these few days off. Most employers will honour a few days here & there, if you tell them early enough!

Yes, you have had extra things happening, but your dh could not have foreseen that the boiler would break, nor the window. You say that he did this pre kids, so it is not like it is a new thing he is doing. I think expecting him to change the habit of a lifetime, is a bit much, tbh.

Agree with the others who suggested you take a few days to yourself when he is back.

So the OP should get days off work because her DH wants a jolly??
And I am shocked at the people saying the OP can't cope and foreseeing doom - someone even suggested she should cut down her working hours because she couldn't cope well - these children have two parents btw

And yes if they divorced she would have to do this (presumably) half the time and she'd have to cope. So would he though, and I get the impression it would hit him hard!

What people don't seem to be getting is that there's more to it, such as mh problems.
I think that people who have had no close experience of mh really have no clue (as is obvious by some of the replies on here), just how much you are physically affected by it. Also even if you have suffered from mh then you still have no right to judge and compare situations, as everybody copes with things differently. For some what seems a trivial thing could be a major trigger for others.
I hope op starts getting help and support that she needs.

I, too, am horrified and disgusted at the attitudes displayed on this thread. It's as though some people have gone all out to deliberately drive the Op over the edge: a dangerous thing to do when she's obviously struggling to cope and is alone with young children.
I think it demonstrates clearly the total ignorance and lack of sympathy many people have towards mental health issues.

If you really can't restrain yourselves, then keep away from threads like this. Ever heard the adage "if you can't say something nice, say nothing"?

It's nothing to do with the no-holds-barred environment of AIBU - some of the trivial situations that get unanimous sympathy on there - why don't these ghouls go and vent their spite on those?? Probably because those Ops are capable of fighting back.

I just hope this Op is ok

Stealth that may have been me suggesting cutting down her work hours not because of her dh swanning off but because if she is struggling with a stressful job and PND then perhaps her job is not helping the situation.

I have been watching how this thread has progressed since it was moved to relationships and it is clear that this was posted prematurely in AIBU, no one has an easy ride there as we all know.

The first time that her dh went off on the professional but non work related (so obviously it will help his profession and keep up contacts, but is not required by his employe) was 4 months in to a new baby, probably booked prior to baby's arrival and not in the knowledge that there might be problems. I agree it was selfish of him to have done this, but this was 8 years ago and until this particular point when dc is 2 and a few things have happened.
She doesn't say if she asked him not to go last year, or the year before and didn't say that she asked him not to go this year. She does say that she asked him to change his flights which he didn't do, which again is selfish but perhaps although he said he could he couldn't change it without some form of penalty. Either way he should have changed it or got himself someone to fill in with his duties that day rather than the op. However perhaps in his eyes she is incredibly capable and copes really well and he thought she would manage. Lots of people give of the impression of being massively competent but underneath aren't.

I feel for the op, and I do think that she should visit her gp and discuss PND again with him as she doesn't say whether she has done this or not post the birth of her dc2. She posted (as often happens) in the wrong place and found little sympathy which is very unfortnate and hopefully she will come back to her thread and find that there is a far more sympathetic ear on mn and not just the bored saturday nighters on AIBU.

With regards to the FB thing - I just find it plain odd that anyone would link to a thread like that on FB? Cutted up pear yes, this no and that was unpleasant and I am very pleased I didn't encounter it via any of my friends.

Sorry

"when dc 2 was 2 and a few things have happened she hasn't said that she hasn't asked him to stay at home"

For some reason some of my post disappeared so I am sorry about that............

Fair enough pooh. You maybe made the comment but I've seen a few others. My point is that if the op went back to work when her baby was 4 months she's unlikely to be earning only pin money to treat herself. I find it insulting that lots of people on here are telling her she doesn't appreciate how her dh provides for them - we actually have no idea that it isn't her who pays the mortgage and him who earns the luxuries money

For those who are saying that it is lack of sympathy for MH issues, I wish I could find a link to my old thread where it was a similar situation ( although I did stress that I was normally supportive of DH going away for the odd weekend) but I was in extreme physical pain due to Endometriosis. I got very similar responses from a lot of posters - apparently women are meant to be the stoical sex no matter if its physical or mental - although I'd like to think that maybe if it was something that people can relate, perhaps going through chemo that the answers might be different.

I'm trying to imagine the roles reversed to see how we would react if someone said that their DH/DW appeared to be struggling but they really needed/wanted to go on a conference to maintain their contacts and have some stress free time. I think posters would probably support that, and I can see that regardless of the OP's state of health if its an ongoing thing at some point her DH has lost sympathy and just expects her to get on with it. However even if we disregard all that the fact that the OP has started a new job - and correct me if I'm wrong but back in the real world where I live asking for time off within the first few weeks of starting a new job is not viewed kindly - so even if her DH can't empathise or understand that the OP is struggling to expect someone to have to start late/finish early and basically bugger around new employers shows very little understanding of the current financial climate. If I were the OP I would suggest that I give up my job seeing it means so little to the DH.

OP don't know if you are still around, your problems may be deeper than this, but have you tried St Johns Wort? It takes a few weeks to kick in but if you are suffering from the blues I find it very helpful. Unfortunately I have had to cut back as it contraindicates with the contraceptive pill which makes my Endo kick back in, but certainly something for you to consider.

I would like to thank all those posters who posted supportive messages. I'm reluctant to say anything else as I do not want to leave myself open to further criticism. I did not realise threads could be posted onto Facebook and am quite upset to think there are people laughing and poking fun at me based on this thread.

A couple of things I will say to add a bit of clarity. I have started a new job and was not able to take annual leave so quickly after starting. I was already pushing it by announcing to new boss that I would be coming in late (and significantly later than my agreed start time) and leaving early (again a lot earlier than I should have been) and when I did in a circular way bring up the topic of taking time off so soon it didn't go down very well. I work in a very male dominated environment so there is little understanding (or sympathy) about how tricky it can be juggling work and childcare.

So the option of going on a spa day or taking the kids to centreparcs as suggested by some, not really an option... Not sure the school would be too happy about me taking dd out of school so soon after half term either.

I did chuckle at one poster suggesting DH is my 'carer'. I contribute equally to our finances and looking after our children. I am a coper. This is the problem. To the outside world I cope perfectly. I don't complain. I don't admit I am finding it difficult juggling a commute, a new stressful job, children - one of whom does not sleep more than 3 hrs at a time at night, along with all the mundane things involved in running a house. Someone said DH knows I can and will cope which is why when I say I need his support and ask him not to go away during a difficult time he does anyway. He knows I will not fall to pieces and I will carry on. Which is what I have done. I truly think my friends and family would be shocked if they realised how I felt yesterday when I posted. Perhaps this is the problem. I need to ask people other than DH for help when I feel overwhwlemed.

Finally, I appreciate that others have it hard if not harder including lone parents. I wasn't trying to imply that I had it harder than others.

What! Its on facebook! Who has done that!? That's fucking disgusting. You should be ashamed.

I wasn't insinuating anything about her not being able to cope..just suggested that a little bit of forward planning would have made it easier..I don't see how anyone can deny that!

Perhaps her dh should have stayed at home, who knows. My reasoning was that the op & her dh knew about this for some time & there are steps that the op could have taken to help, seeing as her dh was determined to go. Not saying that she has to, but it just seemed like common sense to me. Her dh obviously doesn't give a shit, is it such a stretch to think that the op could have prevented being overstretched herself?

morlando, I agree that you should ask for help, if it's possible, when you are feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like you have done a lot of thinking and are feeling a bit better today. Hope your new job works out well and you can sort out the sleeping issues, as that will make a big difference to your ability to get through the days.

Are things a bit better for you today morlando?

Do you get the opportunity with your job to go away to conferences? If nothing else it would enable your DH to understand exactly what you have to cope with.

morlando - glad you've come back. You've not posted anything at all to be embarrassed about. Many people understood and supported you.

It appears that some posters sense a vulnerability and cannot wait to either put the boot in or demonstrate their superiority. They should be embarrassed, not you.

When you appear to be a coper to the outside world you do not receive the support you need. I suffer horribly with depression but only a tiny amount of people in my life know about it. Sometimes there are days I can hardly lift my head off the pillow.

Like you I force myself to keep going. I think it's a mistake. Asking for help and support is actually a very brave thing to do.

I'm really pleased you came back OP and that you have seen the supportive messages.

WRT the nastiness you faced, I suspect very few of those posters if any, have done a full-time job since having children and would venture that none have endured your exact circumstances.

I think posters have to read between the lines too and the wiser ones realised instantly that these jollies were unlikely to be isolated acts of selfishness.

My advice to you is to start a new thread in Relationships (perhaps on a namechange) and talk about it all if you feel you could use some help processing your feelings.

Hats off to you for being a coper and managing so well, but you're absolutely right that people don't always realise when the 'copers' in life are struggling. Some people will also always take advantage of those who seem capable and manage everything, but it's especially wrong if the one who's taking advantage of it is your partner.

Good luck, love.

OP - it doesn't matter how hard other posters may or may not have it - your situation is your own and you are entitled to your feelings about it.

I do wish posters would at least read the OP's posts properly. Then at least we might not get suggestions about 'forward planning'. She's in a new job. Her husband has not given that a second thought! And there are many jobs that wouldn't allow her to be flexible at all no matter how much notice there was. If she was a teacher she'd be well and truly stuffed.

OP - I hope if (when) this happens again, you can ask for support from your friends and family and don't struggle on alone.

But I do think you need to have a very serious conversation with your husband about his role within the family.

Does he want one/

I too am glad the OP has come back and seen the supportive messages.

Christ there are some unedifying posts on here. What is wrong with people.

And that fucking 'take a spa day' crap. How is that helpful to anyone? How would it be relaxing if you are feeling glum about your relationship with a selfish bloke to go away, all the while wondering if your thoughtless DH is looking after the kids properly, and then probably coming home to the house in a tip to boot.

The poor OP is feeling at the end of her tether, and is knackered and feeling very down. How can people lack the basic humanity and seem to enjoy kicking someone when they are at their lowest ebb.

OP I totally see wher you are coming from - every time he goes on that conference it must remind you of when he swanned off when your baby was 4 months old and you were struggling. You really do need to speak to him when he gets back.

I don't think it's because you are a coper that your husband fucked off and left you.

That could only be an excuse if you hadn't asked him to stay.

He went because he's selfish and puts his fun above your wellbeing and your family's finances.

To have squandered your chance to make a good impression in your actual job that pays the bills so he can spend family money and precious annual leave on an unnecessary junket that he enjoys is the height of selfish irresponsibility.

I don't blame you at all for thinking of divorcing him for his clear demonstration that you are less important than he, that your work is a distant second to his optional networking, that you don't count as a person in your own right just as someone to make his life easier.

It's not that he presumes you will cope, it's that he doesn't care whether you cope as long as he gets to do what he pleases.

I genuinely can't get over that he has forced you to take such liberties in a new job for no tangible advantage to any of you.

I would be reading him the riot act when he came home.

What an utter, utter twat.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today op x

I can't imagine what kind of conference this is tbh. That's my beef

Rabid. There's all sorts of conferences!

I'm a coper too, and I am usually all for being flexible in my relationship.

But I think your husband is an utter shit for leaving you in the lurch when you are struggling. Swanning off when leaving one partner will cause a bit of a nuisance is one thing: going away when your OH half is clearly in need of you is quite another.

I'm glad you came back, too, morlando. I feel for you.

Depression is called "the illness of the strong" for exactly the reasons you've outlined - we get used to dealing with everything, then one day we just can't deal with one more thing and it all comes crashing down. Getting over it starts with learning to be 'weaker'!

What you've said about DH being quite uncaring about your problems is worrying. It must feel as though you have to shoulder his expectations as well as everything else. Do you think you've managed to put up such a good coping front that he assumes you don't need any support? Can you fix this?

Please do tell your real-life friends & family: everyone you feel would listen properly.

I suspect you need to talk to H about hiring in some help next time he goes away ... and, yes, organise a "just for you" break some time in the near future :)